Yesterday I came across two totally unrelated things that got me thinking about how we are taught to hate ourselves or parts of ourselves.
The first was a comment I heard in a documentary on racism. "Growing up, I was taught to hate myself for the way I look."
The second thing I found while skimming the Best Of threads. In the thread Letter of Apology to My Body, the poster writes "You wanted to wear sleeveless tops, but I wouldn’t let you. “Your arms are too fat!”, just like I’d been told when I was young."

I learned young that fat or unsightly arms should not be shown in public. Even at goal weight, I would not show my arms in public. All of my shirt sleeves had to be an inch from my elbow or longer. Or I'd wear a top or jacket over the very short sleeved or sleeveless ones. If that meant wearing a light cover up top even when it was 100 degrees outside, so be it.

I was taught to hate my arms. I was taught to hate my hair. I was taught to hate my face because of my acne. (I still have it at age 39!)I was taught to hate my calves because they're "huge." I was taught to hate my skin for being so pale. You get the idea.....

How many of us here have been taught to hate ourselves or some part(s) of ourselves because of the way we look?
How did you learn to accept and love all of the physical you?
Or, if you aren't there yet, what are you doing to get to that point?

It took me a lot of years to realize what I had been taught was wrong. That I was taught these things by people who had no idea what they were talking about. That these people taught me these things because of their own insecurities and that these things really had nothing to do with me.

It has taken me a lot of years to accept the physical me. Each and every part of me makes me who I am and I refuse to hate any part of me ever again! I can still see areas where I could make little improvements. But until I decide to get around to those improvements, I'm OK with things just the way they are. While I may not be in love with all of my physical parts, I do love them. Perfect or not.

If you don't love every piece of you right now, I hope you learn to in the very near future. Life is good when you love ALL of you.

Great post livinright. You have come a long way in your thinking. Last summer I was on the beach in Florida with a dear friend. I wore a bikini (they actually look better on me than one-pieces). She wore a lightweight pants suit. On the beach. She said she hates her arms and will never show them. It made me terribly sad. She is beautiful, with clear gorgeous skin, lovely hair, and a nice, average figure. I, on the other hand, have less than attractive legs. Age has brought on some blue veins. In addition, a long-time rash (which I lost after quitting grains) has left behind some reddish blotches, probably forever. But, I just figured life is too short to never wear a swimsuit on the beach again. To hell with it.

I had a friend in the eighties, who was in a bad marriage to a man who never hesitated to criticize her. On top of that she battled her weight incessantly. I was at her place, helping her clean out her closet one day. She said to me, I don't know if you notice, but I have no red in my wardrobe. I looked and it was true. Everything was muted tones, blue, green, purple, yellow. She also had nothing but dresses. She had a secretarial job downtown and was expected to dress nicely. She told me she never wanted to wear anything that brought attention to her when she entered a room. She was scrupulously punctual for the same reason. People look up when a latecomer walks in. The reason for the dresses was she never trusted her ability to match up outfits, so she never bought separates for work. She had jeans for casual wear, because everything goes with jeans. I felt so awful for her. She left the husband after eight years. That happened a year or two after the day I described. She has had boyfriends, some fine, but not marriage material and some not so good, but after all these years of trying to find a man who would be what she needed, she is finally in a happy marriage with a guy who loves her to bits. She is smaller but still not skinny but she is finally really happy.
I am unhappy with my flab but I don't hate my body. I could be taught to hate it but my husband isn't like that. He wants me to lose, but right now, is fighting his own stress demons and leaves my diet and body up to me. I hope you continue to grow until you learn to just live and be you, without the hatred.

Hello Livinright

I would like to say that I find your post alarmingly true, and sadly familiar. I have been in an ongoing battle with my body for many many years. Thank you for saying things in a way that makes me feel like you have read my mind. I wonder how many of us have struggled with this battle that was not even ours to fight. I know for a fact that the people who helped bring all these horrible body issues to our attention foolishly believed the things they said to us was for our own good. The people who said the things that I feel have driven my every painful thought about my appearance have either long forgotten what they said, or in some cases, they have passed on. They have been people who I loved and respected and often the ones who otherwise protected me and taught me many wonderful things about life. So, automatically, if they said it, it must be true. Through years of therepy and learning to understand my food issues and the fact that I'm an emotional eater, I have truly forgiven all of the well intentioned friends and family members and society in general, for what has become a huge struggle for me. And it does have a negative effect on a lot of levels. So I will continue to work all this out, and find ways to believe that I am still a good person who deserves to be happy. I have an awesome and amazing husband who is my best friend, and the love of my life! He is kind and caring, and he makes me laugh! We are so happy, and I truly know that God sent this man to me! I always say that I am a work in progress. I still have issues with my weight and I also never wear sleevless shirts or blouses, even when I think that I'm at a really good weight. My husband jokes that I refuse to go swimming when my bathing suit has a hole in the sleeve! And I tell everyone that he is the man who knows me and loves me anyway! I will think about you, and say a prayer for you, when I also pray for The Good Lord to help me get through another day of body issues. Thank you again for sharing with all of us!

all the best

Baba8

I am dealing with this issue NOW and you are correct when you mention we are all taught to hate ourselves. I am still battling those demons and trying to make peace with myself at least. I too hate my arms, wont wear this or that because of how it makes me look or feel.

I know this sounds kind of silly but several times everyday I tell myself "I accept myself unconditionally right now." A doctor in a documentary I was watching suggested it. I try to really feel it when I say it. It actually does help. I use several other affirmations as well.

I am totally working on this. So happy about the progress I have made thus far. As a young girl coming up I was so Hateful toward my body and always approached dieting from a sense of self-disgust "I hate the way I look, therefore let me diet". This mentality was so deeply engrained I cannot even explain all the areas of my life it impacted.
As I matured along my spiritual path I came to understand the importance of the relationship you have with your body, how your thoughts affect your life. I began using affirmations to change the way I thought of my body "i love and accept myself right now, just as I am", "I approve of myself", " I love my body". It has been AMAZING, the transformation within.
This has impacted my level of happiness, and given me a sense of inner balance. The changes that I make now for my health and body are out of a sense of love... I LOVE my body and want to take the best care of it.
More than ever I want to REBEL against the norm, against Society and against every in-built sense of unworthiness!
Show those arms, EMBRACE your body- with ALL it's flaws, right now!
I made a collage of all these Beautiful, plus sized women who are confident and accept themselves. It is truly a beautiful thing to see and very inspirational.
There is an amazing book called "When women stop hating their bodies". I recommend it highly!

For some reason my mother hated fat men. So mother made
me feel bad about my weight as early as the first grade. She
sure didn't get my self esteem off to a good start.

Besides this I have another problem I stutter. And people who
stutter have a lot harder time dating. But up till recently I did
not realy know this. See there used to be a food aditive in all
wheat products that made me depressed, irritiable and made
my stuttering about 10x worse. I would go on a low carb diet
lose some weight my depression and stuttering would just about
clear up. Then I would start back dating. Then I would fall off
my diet and the stuttering ,depresion and weight would come back. And poof the girl would dump me because I gained some weight .... Now I see it was probably because I was depressed,
irritable,having a real problem talking and just not pleasent to
be around ect. Perhaps the few pounds I put on didn't help
but it wasn't the real problem.

That's fascinating about the wheat. The more stories I hear the more convinced I am that it's truly the devil's food. I have literally come to hate it for the misery it causes!

I'm sorry you've had to deal with stuttering. Hopefully if you stick with low carb it will answer many of your issues and give you strong self-esteem for sure. You reminded me of a job I had as a teenager. There was a young man there, absolutely drop dead gorgeous and not overweight. He was the first person I'd met who stuttered. It was painful to listen to him trying to answer the big boss if he was asked a question. Luckily most everyone except the big boss was patient and kind, so with the rest of us his stuttering was less severe. Did you see The King's Speech? One of the best movies I've ever seen in my life.

I dont understand this thread??? My parents loved me - noone taught me to hate myself - in fact no one taught me to think that deeply about myself, why would they????? I was taught to be kind, polite and honest. To work hard at school and to strive for the best



Jo xxx

Jo,
I'm thrilled that you don't understand this thread. It likely means that you grew up with a family that wasn't constantly criticizing the way you looked.

You don't understand or it is not your experience?
FWIW to you, you are lucky to have had kind and loving people as your parents. Not all of us are lucky that way.
Just because you didn't have this experience doesn't mean that it isn't valid to those who did.

I grew up with a mother who resented my very existence. To say it was a nightmare is minimizing what childhood was like for me. I'm not going to share any gory details though.
So, I totally get it about being taught to hate oneself, sorry to say.

Wow, I have been working on this stuff and deprogramming myself for years.

I was adopted, and I love my parents for opening up their heart and home to me.

However, I was also different in so many ways. And some of those ways just didn't sit well with my parents and some siblings.

In regards to my body; the way it looked, how I dressed, how I carried myself was a constant friction. I had a little bit of belly but nothing major. I was an athlete. Extremely athletic. I was a boundary breaker. First female on an all star city boys team in the state in 6th grade. Starting Center. I was in sports illustrated. I out benched half the football team in high school (that is according to my track coach who was also the ass. football coach). I had schools recruiting me for both track and basketball to college.

But I always struggle some with weight. And back then I always thought it was emotional eating from being "too sensitive" as my parents put it and just no fitting in. Now I wonder if it was some of both emotional eating with a biological component to it that made it worse than normal.

I started dieting in the 6th grade. And been dieting since. I have never known what it is not like to diet and have a constant weight struggle.

My Mom & Dad where not happy about my weight issue. I got teased at school even though my thigh, calf and bicep muscles rippled. My dad was pissed because I would loose and gain and thus new clothes ensued.

And truth be told, I was a large frame girl. I had big hands and wrists for being only 5'7. Broadish shoulders.

but it was a constant struggle. So much that whenever I go home and see a neighbor I grew up with she always tell me how beautiful I am. Because even she knew how much I was criticized for it(another woman my mom's age). So she try to make up for it in her way.

I remember one time, I was in massachussets mid-20s. And my mom sent me clothes. Some fit, some didn't. One piece she sent me was a Medium. At the time I was 215ish. I called her up and told her "Mom I think you missed the mark on this one" and she said "I can always hope".

I always saw myself as ugly. Acceptance started and has slowly progressed when I found my birth mother.

And as I put it came from "beautiful people" as she was pretty and my dad was very handsome.

When I met her for the first time I could help to notice how big her wrists where and her hands. I said yours are as big as mine. She said who ever told you that your wrists and hands were too big.

Well I had an adopted 5'0 mother, a 5'0 sister and a bean pole of another sister at 5'4.

More acceptance came when I found out that diabetes and obesity ran in the biological family. This wasn't something learned/consciously chosen.

My mother at one point was 250 pounds. My father was over 300 pounds. His mother was over 400 pounds. My mothers mother had type1 diabetes. My fathers mother had type 2 diabetes.

I started wearing bathing suits to the lake and beach ~352, said why am I wasting my life on what other people think? And more acceptance came with more understanding as I stepped out and put my weight out in the forefront.

I did more work on myself emotionally and energetically. Delving into my empathic abilities and realizing that I am seeing myself and my world through other people's eyes instead of my own.

I battled my emotional eating demons myself. But I was still struggling.

I conquered eating junk 75%, I stopped eating pastas and stuff that made me feel bad.

But I was still missing something with the food I was consuming.

The final nail in the coffin with acceptance was when I found Dr. Bernsteins plan. Once I put that into motion and saw the results and the effects on craving food as well as my mental and emotional state. That was the final piece.

And I found someone to explain to me the other demon I was experiencing was a biological reaction to even the *healthy* food I was eating.

He saved my life, seriously.

Recently, I went into the doctors office, they made me put a gown on. The doctor ripped the gown when I laid down as she examined me.

When I got up to talk to her. I didn't cover myself up. I stood there in my bra ~ 285 talking to her. No issue whatsover.

And thought to myself this is how it feels to be confident in your own skin?

Now if my clothes are a little tight I don't care.

Who am I kidding? I am wearing bulky clothes so I don't offend people with my fatness.

They know I am fat. Screw it.

I grew up with a mother who only had a child - me, cos my father wanted a son (ooopss I was a girl lol). My dad was an alcoholic and my mother a heavy drinker - I had the most hideous childhood, but I grew up with a mind of my own, which I loved. My parents needed me to look after them too. But more importantly, I grew up looking at the outside and not worrying about any insecurities or doubts from inside. In fact the one thing I did learn from my parents was not to feel "self pity" - that was something my mother would shout at me if and when I couldnt/didnt get my own way lol!!!

I also learnt to put a line under my childhood and refuse to allow it to affect the rest of my very precious life!!!! All of us in the western world should be glad that we have homes, electricity, heating, freedom, food, mod cons...... two thirds of the world have nothing, but to live in a war torn country, with...... well nothing at all! We should count our blessings!

Jo xxx

Those are brave words and I feel that you are right in many ways. We can't do anything about our antecedents. I had a pretty nice family on the whole but I was still screwed up. Who knows why. Think Philip Larkin. And now I have two girls just getting out of their teens. I hope I haven't screwed them up. In some ways I probably have, but I am getting my own act togther, slowly but surely.
I think the happiest people are those who care about others and are not always thinking about themselves, but if you are not in harmony with yourself it's hard to be kind to others.
I feel so much better since I started low carbing. It's not just because I'm slimmer, though obviously that helps. I just feel more serene. I wouldn't have imagined it possible.