I am sorry to have to say this, but your husband sounds like a nasty kind of guy. I don't know in what tone of voice he said those things to you, but the things he said sound really really suspicious to me.

I'll deal with them one by one. OK, so he wants you to "lose weight". The first question would be, for me, "Why? Why do you want me to lose weight? Is it because you don't like the way I look with these extra 30lbs (which is not much, by the way)?"

If your appearance is what motivated him to say this, then I would really ask myself, in your shoes, if you want to be married to this man for one minute longer. Is he so superficial that what you look like is more important to him than the personyou are? Do you really want to spend more time with a person who is that shallow?

The marriage vows say something about "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health", as far as I remember. They should really say "for fatter or for thinner" as well!!! These concerns with appearances are not healthy for a relationship which is supposed to last for a lifetime. If he is dissatisfied with the way you look at the moment - and I suppose you must both be about the same age, or you might be younger than him - then how are you two supposed to cope with ageing? Will he turn you in for a younger model anyway in another ten years, because you look too old for him?

Perhaps he didn't realize how these remarks came across, but that is how this comment about your weight comes across to me. Very very negatively.

The other thing he asked you to do was to "exercise and try and be more productive". Again, why?

The thing about asking you to "try to be more productive" really takes the biscuit, as we Brits say. Who the heck does he think he is? Your boss? What on earth does he think you are? A machine? Do you do piece-work for him?
Have you not packed enough greeting cards per hour or what?

Unbelievable...

If he really loves you, you will be able to talk to him about these things. If he is as superficial as he comes across to me, then you won't and you may as well cut your losses and get the hell outta Dodge.

This guy will only make you even more unhappy with each passing year if he continues to treat you like this. No man is worth that. A good partner should be your friend and shouldn't treat you like his employee, or some some commodity. A friend doesn't judge you on the basis of your looks or your size.

I know this post of mine is a bit late, but I had to hear a similar comment from my dad last year and it still rankles.

I hope you have found some way to talk to your husband in the meantime and that he has seen the error of his ways.

All the best,

Amanda

I've just re-read the posts here. Very interesting thread and some great contributions, but all of them thought-provoking, even the ones I personally don't agree with.

The most interesting thing is the assumption that being "slender" and "toned" or even "muscular" is what men regard as attractive.

This is, however, not entirely true. I think many of us are brainwashed into thinking this is so, but it is just a product of our time and culture. Just a few decades ago, the ideal female was much chunkier than today's ideal.

If we go back further in time, or consider other cultures, then the story is another one yet again.

In most cultures, skinny women are NOT considered attractive because they are thought unlikely to withstand the rigours of childbirth or to survive pregnancy in times of famine.

We are so imprisoned by our cultures sometimes, it is really really sad.

I've brought up to my bf that he needed to lose weight. I wasn't trying to be mean and it's not about vanity, but I don't want him to become diabetic and he already has sleep apnea which he didn't have 40 pounds ago. Sometimes the significant other needs to wake their partner up and say this isn't okay. I know he's not happy at his weight and he knows it too, he just needs motivation which sounds like is exactly what you're lacking at the moment.

Hi Kathy.

First of all, BIG GIGANTIC HUGS. ((((you))))

Second of all, I think it's very kind of you toward your husband to consider taking that step to bless your husband that way for your anniversary. Not many wives would want to take on that pressure.

Having said that, honey, there is probably no way that you will be able to find victory meeting those goals because they are not yours, they are his. You can absolutely make those your goals, but it has to be for you, you have to feel that it's worth it. If we allow our spouse to dictate what we are doing with our bodies, the whole process will feel like a drudgery and forced, and can really foster resentment toward our spouse and the process---leaving us eating tortilla chips and eating ice cream.

There is so much more to losing weight and taking care of ourselves, and part of it is the emotional issues attached to eating/not caring for ourselves. It's something we have to dig into and feel, and when we are not in it for the long haul because we are doing it for someone else, chances are, we'll gain it all back, unfortunately.

Please stick around, figure out if you are willing to be in it FOR YOU. If so, then dig in, let us walk with you, and get to work!

More big hugs and welcome!

I agree with ojoj. I think it's a reasonable requests from the husband. If all he wants is a happier and healthier wife than how is that so bad? If they are both reaching 50 they need to be VERY careful about their health to make sure they prevent a stroke or heart attack. If anything he loves his wife so much he can't bear the thought of leaving him sooner than necessary. I don't know , maybe I'm being naive...

Not "healthier," "more productive," like she's a big, fat slug or something.
That sounds like a slam to me.