So I'm often guilty of self sabotage. I'm really scared to be thin. Illogical...even as I write it I find it sounding stupid.

I have been overweight since age 8 thanks to a hypothyroid, too much processed food (I didn't know you could buy vegetables that didn't come in a can until I started buying my own groceries), and closet binge eating.

My fat never held me back from anything I wanted to do. I wore the same clothes as my friends, I had a healthy social life, dated men who were totally out of my league (based on others standards), I was and am normal...

My husband and I want a baby. No problem, healthy cycle, I ovulate every month without fail and have a normal period. Only one problem...my fat IS holding me back for once. I want to give birth in a birthing center instead of a hospital and that requires a healthy body fat percentage.

I lose weight easily when I stick to plan, I average 4 lbs a week. I'm young and love being outdoors so when I eat properly I melt...but a soon as I get to 249-250 I binge...and fall off the wagon with a hard thud. I'm so scared to weigh less than that...

So here is what I'm scared of: if I lose the weight and suddenly don't want to get pregnant anymore. Like losing weight will bring out an evil twin who thinks only of herself (think nutty professor). It's dumb but I can't seem to get over it!

I can't convince myself that changing my exterior won't change my desire for a child.

Tiptoeing into the minefield ...

First off, implying that not wanting to have children is selfish is ludicrous. It's more selfish IMO to have a child when you can't afford one or are not emotionally ready for parenthood or want someone to love you unconditionally or save your relationship or just because you want one. It seems like women give more thought to what trendily misspelled name they're going to give the kid rather than what parenthood actually entails. Maybe you're realizing that. Not everyone's cut out to be a parent and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that and choosing not to have children if it comes down to it. Nothing to do with your weight. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you wouldn't have any trouble getting pregnant when you chose. But maybe there's some things you'd like to do first--in a non-overweight body--before you turn your attention to children. There's nothing wrong with that either. You have to be selfish, because if you don't look after yourself who will?

Have you ever faced a fear in another area, and gone through it to the other side?
What did you do that time?

It could give you a clue about how you, personally, really like to change. Not what some article says you should, but how you really do it, when you git er done.

For me, it's putting in comfort things before I take on scary things.
I see this pattern over and over.
So, if I was facing what you are now, and knowing what I do about how I like to make changes, I might get to 250 and stay there for a minute, while I check and make sure the new place isn't changing my perspective of the world. The comfort part is staying where I know I'm comfy. The scary part would be going under that number.

Change never really has altered my views or choices by the way - just seems like it might, from afar.

Mandalay:

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't properly communicate what I was trying to get across.

I do not think it is selfish to not have children and STRONGLY agree with your opinions on people who aren't ready having them being a more selfish choice. Emotionally, I am as prepared as anyone will ever be. I used to be a live-in nanny, caring for a newborn and his two year old brother. I know the difficulties of waking up every two hours to feed and soothe a child, the pain of convincing a two year old that it is in fact NOT time to be awake (at 3am) despite the baby's alertness. I am still a nanny (though I live in my own home now) to a lovely family of two children (2.5y.o. and 1y.o.). There is nothing I want more than a child of my own. Financially, even if I didn't work, my husband makes enough to comfortably provide for us and we just bought our first home. I really am quite blessed. We have thought long and hard about having a child and determining what time would be best, it isn't a sudden urge. We have an excellent marriage, great pets, and are just ready to extend our family.

I certainly could get pregnant right now and probably have a healthy pregnancy, and fine delivery. But I would like the opportunity to birth outside of the hospital environment, in a birthing center, and that requires a healthy body fat percentage due to the increase in possible complications that comes with being obese.

My hangup comes along with the fact that I do so want a child, and mentally I am afraid that I will suddenly not want a child anymore just because my waist size is smaller. It doesn't make any sense since I am losing the weight to provide my child (IMO) with a better start and a healthier mama.

I believe it stems from the fact that two of my close friends (who are both thin) got pregnant without trying and both acted like having a pregnant tummy was an insult to their figure. Their reaction to being pregnant and gaining only the necessary weight was so negative, I guess it wrote something on my mind that stated "if I am thin, I won't want my baby either". But it is different in my case as I am planning for a child and do want it.

As for things I want to do in a non-overweight body...I've had a rather adventurous life as a fat girl! I do not feel like there is anything that I need to do once I lose weight that I haven't done as an overweight woman. And if that does come up, then I don't think I would feel bad in saying "I want to do *THIS* before I get pregnant." I also know my husband would support me in saying that.

Thank you for your response...because now that I have written out this LONG response I am realizing *WHY* I was afraid in the first place. I musn't compare myself to my friends when I am wanting a child and they had unplanned/undesired pregnancies.

Seejay, thanks for your response!

Yea...I hate change quite a bit! I think it would be a good idea for me to take it one lb at a time and if I start to get nervous, I can simply go up to maintenance calories for a day, let myself breath and adjust, and then move on. 1lb at a time I think. Little by little helps me quite a bit with my fears.

That sounds good to me! it's how I like to do change too.

Also, if you never have been as slim as you are contemplating reaching, that can feel like a "foreign body" and what it might want and need could be "different."

But it's still YOU, either way.

Yea, I'm trying to get to my sixth grade weight...it does feel quite foreign. I'm sure it will all be fine, your right I will still be me. It's just hard to think about.

I had to put my scale away. I even had the same exact weight-speed bump as you! I called it the 250 curse. When I hit that number, something bad would happen. I think my problem was I believed if the weight came off to easily then that would mean I spent many years needlessly in misery. I wanted it to be a difficult struggle-needed it to be, then it would be ok that I waited this long to take care of it. Otherwise, I would have to look back at 20 wasted years where I could have been a better/healthier me, when the "fix" was apparently so easy and fast. But I am a bit older than you. You really can learn a lot about yourself here. I have leaned so much about me lately, good and bad. I felt the same as you about living life as a "big girl". I river-rafted, rode on a motorcycle, beach-combed, rock hunted, played at growing a garden, all while carrying extra weight. My body just started rebelling in the last couple years. I hurt. I recognized my body was saying it was tired of being this weight, it is too hard on it anymore. Pain is a unmistakeable "message" from the body. So everything had to change, and believe me, I threw a big pity party for myself!! I hate change too! I'd like to say it is getting easy, it would be more correct to say it is getting less hard.

I don't know if it will help, but here's my take on it:

First child I weighed about 165 when I got pregnant and up until the last 6 weeks when I ate everything in sight I loved my pregnant body. I was shapely and fit in all kinds of cute maternity clothes. Loved it.

Second child, almost five years later I weighed about 230 and lost almost 20 pounds, then got pregnant (By the way, this seems to be a pattern, being much more careful this time!) No one even really noticed until I was about 7 months thanks to just some baggy shirts. Now, this was kind of a hit to the self esteem when I was heavy enough that no one could really tell I was carrying a child, only a couple of months from delivery.

What I'm trying to say is, the slimmer you are when you get pregnant not only will you be healthier, but you look divine. It's some kind of primal protective thing that guys just can't resist the shape of a pregnant woman, and other women told me I looked great, too. If you do choose to have a baby at a higher weight, that's fine. But I don't think your vanity will change that much with a few pounds off.

Anyway, big hugs and a huge congratulations on the little blessing in your future!

When I lost weight I didn't know WHO I WAS. I thought I had to be a sexpot - and acted like that. But I didn't really like that person. So the weight came back - I'd been so long a person wishing I could lose weight and be skinny - I knew how to be that person, and it was familiar and safe. When I lost the weight again, I thought I could moderate the sexpot - and eventually some of the weight came back because I didn't want to be thought of that way -- but it was the only way I thought I was if I was skinny. Either I am fat and frumpy, or a sexpot and skinny. I'm learning to accept myself, and be true to myself and question those beliefs. Not easy. Can I be me and by skinny???? The fear is I might not know myself anymore. Need to change my thinking more so then just lose the weight. Guess time will tell.

I did lose weight before I got pregnant so I could get off my blood pressure medicines.
It is weird I didn't become obese till High school. I got below my weight!!
You can do this!!! One day at a time one meal at a time. When I binge its on steak and asparagus! Been through that too.
Big hugs and keep moving!!

Ruby, Thanks for the support

Raven, that is something else...I really want to see my baby bump grow! I really want to have those cute maternity photos taken without the extra flab! Thanks for your input!!

Krystal, I feel your angst. Luckily I feel like I really do know who I am and I love who I am...I am just afraid that who I am might not be the same when I'm skinny. Irrational...I'm sure I will just be a thinner, healthier me! That goes for you too!! HUG!


I am trying to think of 250 as a challenge. Like when you were a kid and you would run and leap over a puddle. Ok maybe only I did that but it was fun and a little risky (because if I fell in and muddied-up my clothes my mom would be ill). So I am making 250 my puddle. I am going to head full-force towards it and make a leap of faith, hoping not to land on my butt in the middle!

Your feelings are normal in my opinion.

You should just try and lose the weight, since you do want to be healthy and birth in a birthing center. Once you reach your goal weight, you can analyze your feelings then, see how rational or irrational your fear was. I know many people start to feel disconnected with themselves after losing weight, but you seem like a confident, strong, well grounded person.

Ladies I have good news and bad news (if you are following this thread still)

I won't be able to deliver my first child in the birthing center
BECAUSE
I'm expecting my first child

Quite giddy here, found out yesterday.
Due in December!! <3