Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in awhile--I have been happily cruising in maintenance mode since July. But I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I just wanted to post my thoughts about this.

This is the thinnest I have ever been in my life--even in high school I was bigger, so being so-called "hot" is new to me. I have never been That Girl, the one hit on all the time, asked out, whistled at. I had to rely on my charm to attract guys. And believe me, I am charming (modest, aren't I?) A natural born flirt, really. But I now find that guys FLOCK to me; at work, I am constantly being hit on, asked about, and while I am flattered, it also makes me kind of uncomfortable. I've been in a happy relationship for three years. Where were you guys when I was single??? I ask.

I can handle the male attention. What I can't handle is the fact that once these guys find out that I am taken, many of them just STOP being friendly. Whereas before when I was larger, I had lots of male friends, now that I am thin, I am only looked at in a romantic light by men. I am disappointed in this, because it makes me feel more like an object of attraction and not a person.

I have also found that WOMEN dislike me more often now. I get catty comments, and from my larger friends endless comments on my weight, both good and bad comments. A friend of mine from work told me she wouldn't go with me to a bar, because she didn't want to be "the fat friend." She makes a lot of comments around me about being fat, and it makes me feel so helpless. I know that my very existence makes her feel bad. And I don't know how to deal with it; I try to pump up her self-esteem, tell her she has great tits and pretty hair......I offer to get her a free guest pass at my gym when she expresses an interest in losing weight......I know it's not my responsibility to make her feel good, but I still feel kind of awkward about the whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I love being this weight, I feel healthy and "light." I am so tall and lanky, this is a perfect size for me. A healthy size 6. But *sigh* there are pitfalls....

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? See, never being all that thin, I didn't experience the opposite effect, going from thin to fatter and experiencing the increasing disinterest in the opposite sex. I am curious if anyone else who has lost weight (or gained weight) has experienced similar things....

Grace

Welcome to the world of reverse discrimination.

Beauty and success provoke as much negativity as ugliness and failure. The only way to avoid overly positive or negative reactions is to be average, plain, and non-threatening. Un-noticed.

Men: visual beauty is a powerful sexual stimulant. Heterosexual men are NATURALLY attracted to a physically attractive woman. But few are able to handle the over-stimulation in ordinary interactions. So, unless they know there is some possibility for "action" they tend to avoid this source of distracting or uncomfortable stimulus.

Have you never experienced meeting someone you find extremely attractive (breath-taking) and your reaction is to avoid them? Many models and actors report they others rarely approach them for a date.

Women: your positive self-image is either a threat (jealousy/competition), a rebuke (poor self-esteem) or an emotional trigger (unresolved past traumas).

In all cases, the responses will be a refection of the other person's maturity and stability (or lack thereof).

Solution: develop a strong sense of self that does not rely upon anyone's approval or disapproval.

The zen of low-carb.

Grace,

I have been on both sides of this fence. Going from the once "drop dead gorgeous redhead" that would constantly be hit on from co-workers and clients to the "overwieght mom figure". I had the opposite problem on the guys though. Some would not take no for an answer and would constantly follow me around trying to "convince" me they would be a better mate. The ego of mankind. I would smile brightly and tell them to go take a cold shower and walk off.

You can't win. Truer words were never spoken McRumi in "develop a strong sense of self that does not rely upon anyone's approval or disapproval". You are who YOU are and no one else. If the only thing a guy wants to meet you for is to get in your pants you are better off without them in your life, lest become a notch on their bedpost. As for the women and their catty remarks....just look at it as jealousy and ignore it. Offer help if they ask otherwise be yourself. They are miserable because they chose not to do something about it. Not something that you personally have created for them.

There is only one person you know your entire lifetime. That is yourself. The people you meet from day to day are a mere passing thought. Do not let them influence how you feel about yourself or how you look upon others.

Grace,
Been there too.
Before my kids I was a plain redhead, didn't attract too much attention but got myself a lovely man.
Had 2 children, put on tons of weight...aghhhh.

I have since lost the weight, still got the redhair and at the age of 36, I'm fighting them off...one as young as 23 ... how flattered was I !!
All this attention is a first for me and I'm enjoying it !!

So think positive, if your friends don't like it, that's their problem.
If men don't want to be friends after being rebuked, tough, again their problem.

Be proud of your achievement, enjoy the attention and ignore or ditch the friends that can't be happy for you ...

Enjoy it !!
Ali

I used to be about 115-120 lbs with big breasts, chestnut hair and big blue eyes. My nickname was "Pamela Anderson" and I was so used to compliments from women that they became meaningless after a while. Everyday women would say to me that they wished they had my body. Also, whenever I went out men would be all over my best friend and I.

Then PCOS hit and 50 lbs later I don't get loads of compliments from women ( I am fatter than most), men don't adore me and fall all over me and I feel unequal compared to other women. I also feel very jealous and inadequate compared to all my female friends as they are all so much thinner than me. Now I am the one to be pitied. I don't feel special anymore at all. I wish I could wear a sign saying " I used to be thin, I was one of you, I'm not this fat girl". I am now Ms. average on a good day.

So, there is a HUGE difference in the way ppl react to you when you are thin yes. There most definitely is.

Hi Grace....

I'd like to point out that YOU are not responsible for others' feelings and responses. Your friend from work seems to have a lot of self-esteem issues, but try not to take ownership of them...they're her issues, not yours. I think it's a shame that people can't be happy for you when you've accomplished something wonderful for yourself instead of reacting with cattyness and jealousy, but humans can be strange creatures from time to time....
I agree with alibubble....be proud of your accomplishments and ignore the catty comments from people who can't be happy for you.

I can totally relate - being on both sides of the fence - thin and heavy. When I was thin I got so much attention...more attention when I was hooked up than when I was single and available...then I gained weight and all that stopped...for the most part...which was OK by me cause I was married and didn't want that type of attention. Now I am getting more smiles, and even some mild flirtation and at first was feeling awkward and didn't know how to react....now I am enjoying it for the most part because I am proud of my accomplishments.

And you are right about women...its a competitive world out there...no one wants someone to look better than them, get more attention thant them, lol...its been like that since cave-women times.... My office is just one place. There is this bimbo (and truth is that she is...not just saying that) who was always the center of attention till I came along...as I was losing weight, she was less and less friendly to me....and now we rarely exchange words....on her end... not mine. Its all jealousy.

Personally, I don't care...my true friends have been with me thru thin and thick and they are the only ones I care how they perceive me

Hi Gracie-poo!

I have a female couisin who has also done Atkins. I don't know if she experienced a similar thing but I do know she joined a local operatic society and made loads of male friends who don't hit on her.

They are all as gay as pink paint but that is another matter - she is happy!

Here's hoping you make new friends who don't see you as a sexual object.

Robert

That sucks....

BTW .... what are you doing Friday Nite?




Jeff

Seems like you've been given so much good advice here...

...I hope you won't let the reactions/actions of others influence your self image too much.

You've been so successful. Enjoy your success and feel free to look as good as you do.

Work it.

Donald

Very interesting thread.

When I'm 'thin', I have what I affectionately call a 'tavern wench' figure. Busty, tiny waist, round hips. Add blonde hair and green eyes and I get a lot of attention from the guys. Unfortunately, the bulk of the attention often falls into the 'inappropriate' category. I'm also pretty smart - smart enough that the guys attracted by the looks didn't need the cold shower once they got a clue about the intellect. It seems a pretty woman with a brain is just too scary for many men to handle. In college, my best friends were gay men most of the time. Since the sexual aspect was removed, they could enjoy my personality and wit w/o being intimidated by it. My women friends also tended to be bi or lesbians who didn't have to worry that my looks would 'steal their man.'

I'm closing in on a "normal" bodyfat level now, and much of the attention - both welcome and unwelcome - is returning, as is the difficulty maintaining friendships. I recently lost my two best friends - a married couple - because the woman somehow decided that I was a 'threat' to her marriage. When I was fat, there were no problems.

It's a weird, weird world sometimes. You play the cards you're dealt and do the best you can. That's all anyone - even you, yourself, can ask.

Cheers,

Friday

I am also experiencing the same situation as gracie-poo...

Since I was a kid, I was plump and was the ugly one in my all-girls school. I had to join the Trim & Fit club during most of my years spent in school.

I had problems finding suitable clothings till I got my first pair of jeans in Canada...i was so thrilled that i could actually fit into a size 36 Levi's Jeans....Singapore doesnt have size 36, maximum size 32. And at then, there werent many shops for the big girls. My mom gave up and brought me to shops selling Clothings for Middle Age women.....(stereotyping middle Age women as big). And for every Chinese New Year, yeah what i was wearing were actually meant for Aunties....

(too long to insert all my fat childhood tales here)

When i discovered Atkins.....the woman jealousy factor wasnt present yet....probably i should say it took me 5 years of low-carbing (my mom says my way of eating is a losing weight diet...dont really like the way she labels my lcing) before all the male-flirtation....crushes come in. haha

i recently got employed with a big organization, and there are many eligible bachelors in my dept. And I am beginning to feel the bad side of being attractive and 'slim'....probably i just got started and i am still trying to adjust to the higher amt of attention... usually i will be the one having crushes on guys...now it is the other way round...and now everyone is trying to pair me up... i never had someone who would be dewy-eyed at me, i never had someone who will smile so sweetly when i am nearby. i never had someone who was caught checking me out.

in all, i am feeling scared of the big flow of attention. though no co-worker ever asked me straight abt love/relationships... but they dropped hints or asked about my current status. or a bunch of guys cheering loudly as they try to push my admirer towards me....

and perhaps some hostility among female co-workers....as slowly they saw how my admirer reacts to my presence each day. i should say they were not as friendly as before.

another case was this guy who tried to pick me up at a disco last saturday.... he saw me and scanned down to my toes.... he got dewy-eyed but i knew i had to get rid of him. he told me my eyes are beautiful and kept wanting to hold my hands while dancing. i tried to get away and got irritated/scared when he was tagging me. Luckily my friend brought her guy friends, if not I can imagine the worst scenarios to come true. I rejected him straight when he approached me for the 2nd time. I left the disco earlier, and he asked my friend where was I....I was quite shocked when my friend told me about it.

When i was fatter, I yearned for more attention and admiration, juz like those pretty girls in school. Now I have a different opinion, but still trying to adjust to the new attention.

I have noticed a direct correlation between my adult weight and attention from men, but I don't think that is the whole story. I was very thin (probably too thin) in high school and never received much attention. My self esteem was low, and I think that not feeling good about how I looked affected how attractive I appeared to others. Also didn't help that I had a reputation of being the "smart girl", but that's another story.

So for me, getting attention as an adult was still a novelty, even though weight was not an issue. What was really funny to me is that both time during my pregnancies I still got a lot of attention from men. I received plenty of compliments on my appearance, and trust me, I was NOT tiny! But when I was heavier for awhile after having the babies I definitely felt invisible. Even with some male friends I noticed that they talked and flirted with me less until after I had lost the weight. That I guess bothered me the most, because it seems as if your friends shouldn't care how you look.

It really is a shame that people are quick to judge others based solely on outward appearances. A thin, beautiful person might be mean, greedy and vain, but you can't see these flaws. Finally saw "Shallow Hal" last night and thought it made some good points and was funny to boot.

Jen

Hi, this is my first post. I am 50, luckily look about 35 and have been a size 16 for 10+ years. Today I just sent in an essay about online dating - heaven or hell stories. In the past 13 years I have had 4 ,3 year relationships. None with a man who particularly was attracted to big women. Two of the men happened to be VERY handsome. I had an experience of hostility often from women when they saw me in the company of my boyfriend. They seemed to radiate, "how could an ugly fat thing like you get this guy" Occasionally I even got nasty comments(I live in NYC, people aren't shy). Men seemed to accept me in a couple with no problem.

I have lost one size since going Atkins and am starting to get more attention from men - makes me a little nervous. And sadly still getting negative responses from women, some of my friends even. Mostly they seem angry that I can do this WOE and I am not feeling deprived. They have sometimes tried to sabotage me, "oh, just a bit of birthday cake". Luckily my closest friends are very supportive.

Currently I am single and am going to surf into online dating again. It will be strange not to have to insert the caveat, "I am not a waif, I am a normal size girl, size 16".

I have reached the stage where I can tolerate some carbs - I had a potato in my brisket soup last week with no bad result. I found that it made me feel overfull and I didn't want more. I miss fruit but will do a planned "cheat" some weekend. I find the forums really helpful in answering questions. I found that when I added a half hour of brisk walking EVERYDAY, the weight came off more quickly.Thanks all of you for sharing your experiences so daringly.

I can't believe the things I am reading here.

I SO remember what you are describing. Mean comments from girl friends, and certain kinds of unwanted attention from men.

Plenty of the attention was good, a lot of it wasn't. I think I've just started realizing that the fear of the kind of pressure you are describing here is what keeps me (on a regular basis) sabotaging my diet.

I will start to lose weight and then for no reason (seemingly) blow it, then try again and as soon as I see progress, blow it again.

I'm trying to come to grips with the fear, trying to reassure myself that I won't have to deal with all the crap you are describing again, if I do lose the weight and get to goal.

But I'm sure that it is part of what has slowed me down. You are probably much younger than I am though. I'm sure your experience would not be mine. I think I would manage (even at goal) to be less of a threat or an attraction (than I used to be) just because of my age now.

I do so remember feeling that way though when I was young before I put on the weight. There were some pretty uncomfortable situations that I still remember. Amazing that you can "have" what we all want, to be thin and attractive, and that when you do it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. You still have to deal with creepy jealous people or creepy come-on-too-strong people, or you wind up finding that the nice guys that you want to attract are too intimidated to approach you and the creepy ones won't stay away.