- and I am sincerely hoping it is for the last time.

(sorry this is a little long...)

I have, like many of us, I suppose.....been on and off of LC many times. For whatever reason, around the 25 pound loss mark, I usually take a day off for some reason or other (it's my birthday, or it's a holiday, etc). Well, instead of taking a special meal off, I'll take the entire day off. Then that day turns into a week, which turns into a month, and then I'm planning my new "start" date for many months,......... So, (after all these attempts), I get that part.... I'm addicted to carbs, so I can't take time off or it will take me forever to get back on.

The part that I haven't fully figured out yet, is that the last time I was on LC (about a year ago), I was actually very successful. I had passed my critical 25 pound marker, and had lost over 45 pounds. I was doing so well. Everyone was commenting on how great I looked; I felt great, I had absolutely NO desire to cheat (even for a holiday). Then a very odd thing happened, something that I still can't completely understand. I got scared. Yes, I got scared that I was losing weight. Ever since I had my kids and put on all this weight (for 18 years), I have been dreaming of the day that I would finally lose the weight. And here I was, finally doing it. And I got so scared that I quit! After much soul searching, I think I've isolated some of the reasons I felt that way, but I still don't fully understand them. (I see a therapist for anxiety, and I've discussed these issues with him as well). I know I felt very uneasy about all of the increased attention I was getting from other men (even though, on one hand, I was actually very flattered). I am married (but my husband and I were separated for part of this time.) I was also worried because my breasts were getting smaller. I mean, I've been a large chested woman since I was a teenager, even when I was thin. It was like I was losing my identity. I couldn't believe it when the salesperson would tell me that I needed to try on a smaller size. And sometimes, I just couldn't get myself to actually believe that it was true. Am I really going down sizes? Can I really fit into that dress, those pants...? I was getting upset by things that people would say- things like "Oh, what a beautiful person was hiding underneath all that weight...." things along those lines. Of course, they were rude, but I'm sure they didn't mean it that way. It still hurt though, and I even think perhaps I was actually scared of becoming one of those rude, thin people myself. (although I don't know why...I was thin before, and I never judged people based on their size). My therapist and I discussed this and he said that it sometimes takes people awhile to get used to being thinner. I truly had no idea that I would feel this way. And it took me awhile to figure out the real reason I wanted my weight loss to stop.

Whatever it was, I sabotaged myself, because I did stop. For about 6 months, I stayed at the same weight, and then slowly but surely, I got out of control with portion sizes and put 30 pounds back on.

I've been planning my new "re-start" date now for at least 2 months, since I've tried to wrap my head around why I was so scared about losing weight in the first place. I definitely don't want to get back to my highest weight.

So, here I am again. Trying to drag myself back on again, and hoping to get back on track, and be able to handle the mental/emotional part of it this time, when I hopefully start losing again.

Anyone who can help me with tips on dealing with the "mental" part of this journey? That advice would most certainly be appreciated, as I embark on this journey yet again, a little older, but hopefully, a little wiser.........

Sonia567, at least this it isn't a foot-race, so it is always a perfect time to start!

I wish I could help you with the "mental" part, I also wish someone could just give me my perfect answer.

The closest I can think of is: You are a collective of all the triumphs and challenges of your life. You have adapted many different ways of dealing with the stresses and the joys of life, many might not be the healthiest. Time, repetition and even enduring failures is the only way to break through old habits and unhelpful eating styles. (Sounds bookish-right )

I am still enduring my own failures. Some of my habits are harder to shake off, even when I have acknowledged they no longer serve me or are in my best interest. The people here are a great resource. I've learned a lot.

I read journals to see how other people have or are dealing with not just LC but with life. Life keeps moving on even as you focus on your health. People have had sadness, tragedies and brand new loves. Some members have passed away. Life happens between the pages of the journals. I am dealing with my food issues here, but I am also a woman who wants to embrace life.

Anxiety and food issues are a rough combo. I am glad you already have a therapist. (I hope to get one of those myself this fall) Even happy events or change, like weight loss, can stir up old issues, the ones that were well buried and forgotten. I really believe you will learn more about yourself, you'll piece together more things in your life and gain insight here. Leave yourself open to the experience and you'll gradually heal your heart.

RubySpider, thank you so much for your post. I love what you said here:

Thanks for pointing this out. That is how I need to look at when I quit last time and regained those 30 pounds...as the "enduring failures" part of the equation, that makes us who we are and in the end, WILL help us to accomplish our goals, whatever they may be...



Thanks for these insightful words, as well. I will try to remember this, as I am losing weight this time.
And I do need to heal my heart... even as I was losing so well last time and becoming a slimmer person, inside I think I was kind of hurting for the older, "heavier" version of me that I was leaving behind, who had been insulted and hurt by others about for my weight for all those years.... that sounds kind of "weird" as I type that out...but it's the best I can describe how I felt.

BTW, I'm off to an awesome start - I have already lost 6 pounds! I know it's probably water weight, but I don't care..... it's still 6 pounds down and I finally feel I'm back on track!!

Wow, can I ever relate...this is an excerpt from my journal:
"At some point, women who have lost weight might ask themselves, was I getting any subconscious benefits from my extra weight? Does that seem crazy to you, that a woman might find real advantages to her additional pounds? It's not -- extra weight not only gives you more physical presence, but it also provides more of a barrier between you and the rest of the world."
Still working on my own head, but maybe we can help each out and welcome! You've made the right decission..

Thanks, Robyn!

Yes, let's help each other out.

All I can say is WOW...my thoughts are totally in sinc, if we had a talk show we would soar into the hearts and minds of thousands! And what's with us when we lose weight ( 100 lbs. 3x plus gained back plus more each time), when we go wild with our newly found weightlessness? Even going so far as to forget where we came from and want to pretend we were never fat, and want to feel "normal" for the first time in our lives maybe, therefor not want to even hang out with our fat friends and family? Of course it's a temporary moment, I believe we are then cursed to gain it all back out of pure payback from our behaviors...next time I lose 100 I promise.... stay humble and...NEVER FLY FASTER THAN MY ANGLES CAN KEEP UP!

AMEN !!!!! The definition of crazy: Keep doing the same thing over and ever again and expect different results!

Wezi, it's so nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way....ya know?

That's why I love this board and the TDC...