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  #1   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 20:32
missaec's Avatar
missaec missaec is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,834
 
Plan: modified Atkins
Stats: 252.4/171.2/166 Female 66 in
BF:40.74/27.63/25
Progress: 94%
Location: Norcross, GA
Default Problems with husband

I've lost about 56lbs now. So you'd think that'd make my husband happy, right? No. I gained all this weight between two pregnancies. The first pregnancy I lost as it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was really depressed between the two pregnancies because of that (About 6 months) and that's how I gained so much weight, really. Anyhow, now I'm about 12lbs from what I weighed when we got married.

So my husband and I don't really have sex anymore. We never really did it much in the first place, but now it's like maybe once every 2-3 months. He told me the other night that "a significant reason" why he doesn't have sex with me is my weight and that he's not attracted to me. That was upsetting. I asked him what about the weight I was at when we started dating (I was 166, but a size 8) and he said he felt I was actually overweight then too and not all that attractive. Last week he actually turned on the tv and pointed out women that I need to aspire to look like since I'm losing weight anyway.

This is absolutely killing my self esteem. I don't really know how to even put it into words because it's so upsetting for me. I just don't have the words for it.

I just don't know how to deal with this.
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  #2   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 20:38
MoonDansyr's Avatar
MoonDansyr MoonDansyr is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,606
 
Plan: LCHF/Keto
Stats: 162/116.6/117 Female 61 inches
BF:30.6%/22.0%/22.1%
Progress: 101%
Location: Kentuckiana
Default Big Hug

I'm so sorry. That's the most inconsiderate, selfish thing I've ever heard! Maybe he needs to have some hot studs pointed out as what he needs to aspire too!

And by the way, you are cute as a button. He doesn't know what he's got!!
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  #3   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 20:47
Water Lily's Avatar
Water Lily Water Lily is offline
Independent Thinker
Posts: 742
 
Plan: Paleo
Stats: 198/186/140 Female 5'5"
BF:
Progress: 21%
Default

I had a husband like that once. It took years and counseling to undo the damage.

Even though it is YOUR HUSBAND who has the issues, do yourself a favor and find a good counselor now, so he doesn't screw up your head for good with his mental cruelty.
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  #4   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 20:52
missaec's Avatar
missaec missaec is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,834
 
Plan: modified Atkins
Stats: 252.4/171.2/166 Female 66 in
BF:40.74/27.63/25
Progress: 94%
Location: Norcross, GA
Default

Oh, I've had a counselor for the last 5 years. I know (logically) that it's not my fault, but emotionally it doesn't feel that way at all.
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  #5   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 21:00
jschwab jschwab is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 6,378
 
Plan: Atkins72/Paleo/NoGrain/IF
Stats: 285/220/200 Female 5 feet 5.5 inches
BF:
Progress: 76%
Default

This is emotionally abusive. It's not a normal attitude.
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  #6   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 21:02
pinkclouds's Avatar
pinkclouds pinkclouds is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 6,164
 
Plan: Atkins-ish
Stats: 255/250/175 Female 65.5"
BF:Size 22/16-18/10
Progress: 6%
Location: Colorado
Default

That really really sucks! You don't deserve that at all. You know you are better than him and that he is very wrong, right? Still, I think I would be devastated too if my husband told me that. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes what a great woman he has! keep looking out for you and find your own ways of validating yourself. You are doing a fantastic job. I hope the therapist is helping and giving you some advice. hugs!
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  #7   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 21:30
missaec's Avatar
missaec missaec is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,834
 
Plan: modified Atkins
Stats: 252.4/171.2/166 Female 66 in
BF:40.74/27.63/25
Progress: 94%
Location: Norcross, GA
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jschwab
This is emotionally abusive. It's not a normal attitude.


Oh, trust me. I know he's wrong. Although I know he's wrong, it doesn't make it hurt any less. It's like as I've lost weight he's gotten MORE critical of how I look. Like I'm not losing weight fast enough. He hasn't been supportive at all. When I tell him how much weight I've lost, he's just like "Yeah, that's great" kind of sarcastically or completely ignores it.

I'm not losing the weight for him at all. I'd be happy back at my lowest weight of 166. I wasn't perfect, but I thought I looked really good there and I was happy. But when I told him I was thinking about stopping around that weight, he just looked like I was crazy because... I guess how he put it... when I was that weight, my lower half of my body still really needed work. (I carry most of my weight from the hips down.)

It just makes it ten times harder to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for me--not him. I'm not sure if I can keep on when he gets so much more critical with every pound I lose.
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  #8   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 21:42
jschwab jschwab is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 6,378
 
Plan: Atkins72/Paleo/NoGrain/IF
Stats: 285/220/200 Female 5 feet 5.5 inches
BF:
Progress: 76%
Default

I wonder if it's actually threatening to him that you are losing?
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  #9   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 22:04
missaec's Avatar
missaec missaec is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,834
 
Plan: modified Atkins
Stats: 252.4/171.2/166 Female 66 in
BF:40.74/27.63/25
Progress: 94%
Location: Norcross, GA
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jschwab
I wonder if it's actually threatening to him that you are losing?


I considered that. That might be a small fraction of the problem, but primarily... I'm the only person he's ever slept with or actually seen naked in person... So basically all he's got to compare me with is porn. Doesn't bode well for me...

But I was thinking it might be marginally threatening to him. He's already really insecure with me because I'm (not being conceited--just factual) more intelligent than him and generally more successful than him at almost everything. I mean, I don't try to be. I'm just really, really motivated and ambitious by nature and he's... the opposite? I definitely don't rub this stuff in his face, but any time a sentence comes out of my mouth, he thinks I'm criticizing him when I'm really, really not. He's even admitted in the past that just me being who I am makes him feel inferior. I mean... I can't do much about that myself without just generally and purposely trying to suck at things.

Weight may be the only thing he sees as truly inferior about me, so he's honing in on it... But again... we never had sex often to start with. He's never had much nice to say about the way I look, although he never used to openly criticize me like this.
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  #10   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 22:10
MoonDansyr's Avatar
MoonDansyr MoonDansyr is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,606
 
Plan: LCHF/Keto
Stats: 162/116.6/117 Female 61 inches
BF:30.6%/22.0%/22.1%
Progress: 101%
Location: Kentuckiana
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jschwab
I wonder if it's actually threatening to him that you are losing?
That's what I was wondering.

I think if it were me, the next time he started showing me skinny chicks, I'd ask him why he thinks it's okay to be such a jerk. But I can be quite a witch when provoked.

I'm not promoting divorce, but I too left a jerk 20 years ago. Jerk is the right word because he verbally jerked my emotions around. I went to lots of counselling, but he would never go because "there was nothing wrong with him." Eventually I realized that I was the only one putting any effort into our relationship and one day I woke up and was completely over it all.

I am now remarried (been together for almost 15 years) and my husband now is a complete gentleman and tells me all the time how pretty I am - - and even though I have rolls to lose, he still makes over me as if I were a supermodel.

Just remember, what goes around comes around and eventually, your husband will get his.
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  #11   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 22:19
MoonDansyr's Avatar
MoonDansyr MoonDansyr is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,606
 
Plan: LCHF/Keto
Stats: 162/116.6/117 Female 61 inches
BF:30.6%/22.0%/22.1%
Progress: 101%
Location: Kentuckiana
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by missaec
But I was thinking it might be marginally threatening to him. He's already really insecure with me because I'm (not being conceited--just factual) more intelligent than him and generally more successful than him at almost everything. I mean, I don't try to be. I'm just really, really motivated and ambitious by nature and he's... the opposite? I definitely don't rub this stuff in his face, but any time a sentence comes out of my mouth, he thinks I'm criticizing him when I'm really, really not. He's even admitted in the past that just me being who I am makes him feel inferior. I mean... I can't do much about that myself without just generally and purposely trying to suck at things.
This reminds me SO MUCH of my first marriage. SO, SO MUCH! I wanted to further my education (we married out of high school) and after taking the ACT and being so excited when I found out I passed and was accepted into the college, he got ANGRY at me! ANGRY! He eventually admitted that it was because he was threatened. Well I certainly wasn't going to lower myself to HIS standards. We lasted about another (fretful) year.
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  #12   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 22:29
missaec's Avatar
missaec missaec is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,834
 
Plan: modified Atkins
Stats: 252.4/171.2/166 Female 66 in
BF:40.74/27.63/25
Progress: 94%
Location: Norcross, GA
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonDansyr
This reminds me SO MUCH of my first marriage. SO, SO MUCH! I wanted to further my education (we married out of high school) and after taking the ACT and being so excited when I found out I passed and was accepted into the college, he got ANGRY at me! ANGRY! He eventually admitted that it was because he was threatened. Well I certainly wasn't going to lower myself to HIS standards. We lasted about another (fretful) year.


Yeah, ever since I've gotten closer to completing graduate school... he's given me a really hard time about it. Like he knew when I started grad school that I wouldn't be able to work in my final year and that he'd need a better job to support us. He never bothered to get one, so on top of a 20+ hour a week internship, taking care of a 15 month old (who does NOT attend day care), and school... I work from home as much as possible to support myself and my son... and also give my husband about $300 a month to help with his own expenses since he can't support himself completely.

I can't imagine what he'll do when I go on to get my PhD...
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  #13   ^
Old Thu, Nov-18-10, 22:36
cactusrose's Avatar
cactusrose cactusrose is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,798
 
Plan: JUDDD 4/30/2012
Stats: 154/141/135 Female 54.5 inches
BF:
Progress: 68%
Location: Tucson
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by missaec
I've lost about 56lbs now. So you'd think that'd make my husband happy, right? No. I gained all this weight between two pregnancies. The first pregnancy I lost as it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was really depressed between the two pregnancies because of that (About 6 months) and that's how I gained so much weight, really. Anyhow, now I'm about 12lbs from what I weighed when we got married.

So my husband and I don't really have sex anymore. We never really did it much in the first place, but now it's like maybe once every 2-3 months. He told me the other night that "a significant reason" why he doesn't have sex with me is my weight and that he's not attracted to me. That was upsetting. I asked him what about the weight I was at when we started dating (I was 166, but a size 8) and he said he felt I was actually overweight then too and not all that attractive. Last week he actually turned on the tv and pointed out women that I need to aspire to look like since I'm losing weight anyway.

This is absolutely killing my self esteem. I don't really know how to even put it into words because it's so upsetting for me. I just don't have the words for it.

I just don't know how to deal with this.
Your husband is being emotionally abusive toward you. Period. This is not normal, and unacceptable! What is important is a mutually respectful relationship between two people. I lived for 18 years like you are living now. It started out "harmless" enough and then over the years intensified. It is really particularly difficult having children, and exposing them to this kind of environment, because eventually the children also will bear the brunt of his emotional abuse. My eventual aaahh-hah moment was when I realized if I had a girlfriend who treated me like this, I would tell her to f*#k off. And then we would no longer be friends. Do not let this man poison your mind against yourself. There are indeed people out in the world who will respect you and accept you totally for who you are. Surround yourself with those people. Life is too short not to. I do soooo feel your sadness, and warm thoughts are being sent your way...
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  #14   ^
Old Fri, Nov-19-10, 00:31
Rebecca123 Rebecca123 is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 75
 
Plan: low carb
Stats: 141/141/122 Female 5'4"
BF:
Progress: 0%
Location: California, USA
Default

He is bringing you down intentionally in order to build himself up. He is a weak coward. Your accomplishments should be inspiring him to better himself, but instead he is trying to drag you down to his low level. Any man who who would say such things to his wife who just endured two pregnancies and LOST over 50 lbs is really scum and should be discarded.

I am sorry that you are enduring this and I hope you are able to find a way to cope and focus on your precious baby instead of him.
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  #15   ^
Old Fri, Nov-19-10, 00:56
Gina_185's Avatar
Gina_185 Gina_185 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 124
 
Plan: atkins
Stats: 198/198/165 Female 5'10"
BF:single ;)
Progress: 0%
Default

this is the secret to relationships;

there are selfish people in the world and there are not

you have to choose what kinds of people you want to associate yourself with

I understand he is your husband, yet I've been married to selfish, and I know what it feels like, the worst feeling in the world.

you want someone who loves you, wants to be near you, who wants to show affection to you, and worries about you.

I recently ended an engagement to a selfish person.

sometimes being alone is easier than being ignored..

believe me, I've lived through alot.

compassion and love, is what i will settle for, and if someone has these qualities and proves this to me after observing them, then just maybe they will be worth my time.

please don't let this ruin you. remember Lorena Bobbit, her husband treated her like crap...and look where the abuse took her...emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse, and sometimes worse, I've lived through both, hugs.
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