Hi, im Luciana, i ve been reading this forum for the past month (and join in around a week ago) and i must say it has given me a lot of inspiration and i found a lot of heartreaking stories of struggle and succes that gave me hope.

Thats why i dare to confess this to strangers. Because sometimes is more easy to say the more private and sad things to strangers than to people around you. Because sometimes words from a stranger can help you in a way nothing else can. Specially when you are desperate . I feel like im in a point of no return in my life. I live closed in my apartement and almost never get out. Im scared to get a job cause i feel i look so awful that no one would ever want to hire me. I live alone, and the best friends i used to have have stop calling me and they drove themselves away for me . Im going to the university and have no friends there. I ve had a lot of awful experiences in the university in the last 6 months. I ve been FAILING in every exam possible, I study but i dont seem to be able to succeed in anything. My friends of "life" (i had an amazing group of friends) who are not calling me anymore made me very sad. This all happened in the last two months: my exams faling, my friends staying away from me, me feeling more and more horrible every day (and here - i live in Argentina-, the spring just started and i hate the thought of usiing less clothes and short sleeves, and they days are sturting to be up 80 farnehit and i hate it). I live alone in a different city from my family, and things are awful down there. My parents are about to get a divorce, and my sister try to commite suicide 3 times in the last 9 months. My little brother is going through a bad time too, im afraid he would want to commite suicide too, and i feel bad i dont see him everyday to help him .


And, despite all this i have said, i have a boyfriend. Yeah, i know, i cant even understand why he is with me. We known eachother for 6 years. When we met, i was joyful, happy, thin, beautiful and full of friends. Now im all the opposite. He is the most handsome men i ever met in my life (including movies). Actually, when i met him, i thought he was waaaaaay out of my league (and i was really thin and in shape and had amaazing body then, but still) and we became BEST FRIENDS for 2 years. We had everything in common: we had same tastes, same view of life, and laugh like crazy together. But he was 10 times more goodlooking than i was. Well, one day we started dating, he kissed me one day out of the blue and it was like a dream come true from there. He was not only incredibly handsome, but he is a great person, super smart (he has 2 degrees from different careers, and university here last 6 years, so its a big thing. And he is only 27!) and lovely and sweet and everything i could ever dream for and much more.

BUT, the sad part is that he gets all the attention from girls, i ve had a lot of awful episodes, girls doing mean things to me, "friends" of him trying to say bad things about me so he left me (luckily, he got rid of them) and women try to pick him up ALL the time. And i feel that i cant take it anymore. I never felt like i deserved him. Not then, when i was thin and beautiful. Not now, that im fat and ugly and despressed and useless and lonely. Imagine that. Every second i spend with him is painful, i love him so much but im waiting for him to DUMP ME. I cant stand myself and i dont understand how he can stand me. I think he might be dumping be soon. He better do cause im useless.


And he is not even the main thing, the main thing is that I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE and i dont see any hope in this . I ve considered suicide seriously A LOT of times in the last month. I ve been reading about it too (less painful ways to die). I dont know what to do. I wake up feeling like i should stay in bed for days and let myself die alone in this filthy appartment. Alone. Like i dont deserve more.

i dont think i deserve more.



Im sorry for this, is too long and im sure is full of writing mistakes.My main languaje is spanish, not english. So im sorry. I hope someone read this and give me their thoughts. I know you dont know me but i feel so sad and you people inspired me so much, you all been through a lot. Im sorry.

Luli I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down! The way you are talking I think you would be best off contacting a mental health professional right away to help you through this crisis. I know in Argentina you must deal with a lot of body issues where we in the US would consider you in fine shape.

Do you exercise? If you can, start taking 30-45 minute walks around someplace you like - the park, zoo, hiking paths. A walk does you a world of good both physically and mentally. Get some 5-10lb dumbbells and start doing some upper body muscle building. There is something incredibly satisfying seeing your arms start to develop tone. I know you don't feel like doing anything, you'll have to force yourself - you can do it! Say it out loud - "I can do it!"

Do you have time to volunteer? Maybe you can volunteer at a local animal shelter - take the dogs for walks, help with care.

But please please please contact a counselor right away. Does your university have a women's center? That might be a good place to start.

Lulee, I'm very worried about you. As Alanehilo said, I think you need to get help right away - today - from a trained mental health professional. You have serious self esteem issues, depression and serious issues regarding body image.

You really need to get one on one support from someone properly trained in your area, going to a doctor might be a first step or a counsellor at the university, but make the call today. We are all here for you, to support you in your health goals, but we're no substitute for a mental health professional - and if you're having feelings about harming yourself, you need to seek help immediately.

Do your boyfriend and family members know how you are feeling? Can you go to one of them that you trust and ask for assistance in getting help, if its too difficult to seek professional help alone?

I'm speaking from experience - 10 months ago I was severely depressed and thinking of suicide. I got help and am getting better every day. But it was only possible because I reached out for help.

You've made the first step in reaching out to us, now you need to reach a little further.

Lee

Thanks so much AlaneHilo and Leemack! your words mean a lot to me, really, more than i can say. Thanks .


Im thinking in returning to the shrink (i used to go 3 years ago) or maybe look for another one, i have a good health care and they covered therapist and everything. I think that after writing all my secret thoughts (didnt say this to anyone else) it made me realize how much i need proffesional help. I dont wanna talk to my mam or dad cause they both have a lot of problems right now, they are thinking in getting a divorce and my dad is having (according to my mom) a male lover, he might be gay but he dont want to admit it, so imagine he might be going through a lot too and i dont wanna add up (dont to mention my brother and sister problems wich are worst than me or the same). I would feel really gulty adding up to all that .

But this weekend, my boyfriend (he also lives in my home town, where my family lives) is coming to visit and im thinking to tell him how I feel. I dont know how he would take it but i hope he doesnt start thinking im less of a person or im too depressive to be around .


About your question Alanehilo, im training . Started in march, quit for june and july but restarted in august. Im going to class gim 3 times a week (1 hours and a half each) : i do tae-bo, power fit and circuit training and it really helped my body a lot an it also makes me feel better (for a while). I steel feel horrible, but i admit im in better physical shape than in january, for example, but i have a long way to go before the summer starts (december) and all the heat cames.



Thanks both for your answer, really .

I was feeling the same way...even about my boyfriend...a few months ago.

PLEASE go to the doctor at your first opportunity and tell him how you are feeling. Your doctor will help you take the next step.

One thing I have learned is that there will always be someone thinner than you or someone fatter than you....someone richer or someone poorer...someone prettier and someone uglier...What we do to ourselves on the outside doesn't make a difference in the big scheme of things.
Who are we comparing ourselves to? Why?

Don't let the lives of other people interfere with YOUR life.

Your boyfriend is with YOU for a reason. Don't question it. Enjoy him.

Good luck!

Dear Lulee, the other people who responded have said what needed to be said, and you've heard it, I too hope you find a professional that you can talke to, this is important! My similarity to you is the issue of work, yes, its intimidating to think of going and looking for work when you're bigger than you would like to be -- but as Sandollar said, theres always someone bigger, smaller, richer, porrer than you....and look at the people you know that are working, and that are doing well, there are large people there too, they take care to look smart, and to do their job well, you and I, we see our fat first, but at work they DO want to know that you can do the job. Your self esteem will benefit immensely if you get out of the house and look for work - I know this. You'll have some set backs because it takes alot of time and energy, and you have to be ready to learn through your 'failures', always improving your application and interview skills. Start out in small steps, do you have training? Do you know what you can or would like to do? Do you need any training in order to do what you want? maybe that is a place to start....well, all the best, know that many people are with you...

Lulee, I feel for you and I hope you will follow up. Please post today so I can see you are alright. You deserve a place in the world no matter what your appearance. You deserve happiness.

Hi Lulee!

I won't go into what you need to get over your depression, as others have covered that quite nicely and my approach is not a socially acceptable one.

However, I can offer advice on getting better grades. There's a series of cd's that will teach you how to study called "Where There's a Will There's an A". It's geared primarily for high school students but the ideas are applicable to college. It is well worth the investment or you might be able to get it through your college library.

Hola Lulee!

Yo soy de Argentina y te entiendo muy bien! Por Dios, ni se te occure pensar en quitarte la vida! Tienes que luchar por ella!

I know first hand how appearances are so much more important there. And the GUILT! You are full of it. You feel guilty that you are another problem for your parents and that you are not good enough for your boyfriend. But you must know deep down that they all love you and you can not leave them. The best gift you can give them is the same one you can give yourself: love. Love yourself and fight for you.

Everyone has given you wonderful advice and I hope that you do immediately seek professional counsel. They will help you make a plan for how you will get out of this negative place you are in, so that you can realize that your life is worth living, and not only that, but you will be able to help others too.

Thank you for sharing with us... come back and tell us how it's going for you.

Hugs!

Thanks for all the replies guys! I cant tell you how helpful all this is for me! You are giving me great advice and each one of your words is big for me in this moment. Yesterday, two persons i knew died (one was a not so close relative of mine ) and i went to the funeral of one of them , and seeing all the people that loved them so much crying and suffering, it make me think a lot. I know is selfish to want to die and i dont wanna be selfish, i dont wanna be the person that cause all those who love me that kind of grief. I dont wanna my mom and dad suffering more, they are 2 wonderful persons and been through a lot, and it hurts me so much even the thought of hurting them . Im determined to overcome this. On tuesday (monday is non labor day here) im gonna go seek a therapist to help me, i think mom and dad are gonna be happy about this, and so is my boyfriend. He is coming to see me tommorrow so im gonna spend this weekend with him, telling him all that is happening in my mind, and hopefully he will comfort me, he is always been very supportive.

I may not post in the weekend cause im not gonna be in the computer much, but when i return to my loneliness computer nights , i will write to tell how im doing. Thank you so much for caring. This means a lot to me. I hope when i feel better i could help others that feel bad too.

Please tell us how it goes! I'll be waiting to hear any updates.

Have a warm and loving weekend, looking forward to hearing from you in the new week. Hugs!

how are you feeling Luciana?

hugs

Hi, thanks all for caring, its really sweet of you .


I was feeling as """"optimistic"""" as i could be giving my depression (wich it wasnt much) for the weekend that was coming: havent seen my boyfriend in more than a month, been working out a lot lately, and after i did my catharsis here i was honestly feeling a little better, specially after i decided i was going to do something about it.

Well, my boyfriend left today and i spent the hole weekend crying. I thought it was gonna be different, but a picture (a picture we took together, when i could see the size of my belly) made me burst into tears on Saturday, and it was all tears from that day on . Of course seeing my inmense belly on a picture was only the tip of the iceberg. Theres A LOT that is wrong with me, and maybe the belly is the smallest of my problems, and all that sadness and selfloathing come across when i started crying. My poor boyfriend had to put up with a crying girlfriend all weekend. Even when we tried to do things we usually enjoy, tried to go see one of my dearest friends who i always laugh with, i couldnt. i just couldnt laugh. I just felt like i had to do an EFFORT to laugh, you know what i mean? did this happened to any of you?. I felt like crying all the time, and when other people was laughing, i couldt managed to do it (i was always a girl who laughed a lot, very cheerful, so this was a brand new situation for me).

My boyfriend told me this: "it was so sad to see you so defeated in your friends house. Everything, the way you were sitting,the way your eyes where shinning like you were gonna cry. You looked like a defeated person".
That made me so sad! Knowing that the rest of the people will see me like that! I hate to be an extra weight to people, you know what i mean? I dont wanna be the depressed friend that people had to deal with, i want to go back to be the cheerfull, helpful nice friend/girlfriend i used to be! , but im like the opposite person now. I just CANT seem to enjoy anything anymore.

Today i went to my healtcare and i have an interview with a therapyst in 2 weeks. Im gonna have to wait until then, but at least thats something. I wish she could help me in some way. Also, my boyfriend and i were talking about my belly. He spent 4 full days with me and saw exactly what i ate and how my belly is. He was scared. He say he is 100% that i have something, some kind of ilness, that makes my belly SO puffed up. Like on saturday, for example, i havent eated in 9 hours (and before eating i had a relativly plain belly) and my belly started to get more and more inflated.....and without even eating again! By night, i had my belly totally puffed up. Im gonna go to the doctor tomorrow to see if this is some medical condition (im not pregnant ) or something weird. As soon as i figure how this work, im gonna post a picture of my big belly inflated of saturday (and thats a belly that has not eaten in 9 hours!). Maybe if this is all some kind of ilness i will understand some things like the lack of results after 6 months of training. Do someone of you know something about this kind of stuff? this big, puffed up bellys that suddenly grow withouth aparent reason?


Oh well, i think i wrote a lot, im sorry if there are spelling mistakes there. Its always a good catharsis to write here and to read all that you write to me its always give me comfort. Thanks for that.

Luciana- what kinds of food do you eat? some people get bloated from veggies, some from fiber, some have reactions to dairy. Even if you had eaten 9 hrs before, that food would still be in your intestines.

I had some pretty severe depression this summer. I did not care about anything, cried over everything, overreacted, felt like I made everyone miserable. I finally got myself in to see a doc who gave me lexapro. I was really against antidepressants, but they have really helped me. If that is something you are looking for, maybe ask your doc tomorrow. If your therapist is not an MD, they may not be able to give you anything(I am NOT trying to push this on you- I just know how desperate I felt when it was happening to me)

More natural things to try would be walking in the sun, meditation, positive affirmations, omega 3

take care of yourself and I hope you feel better