Active Low-Carber Forums
Atkins diet and low carb discussion provided free for information only, not as medical advice.
Home Plans Tips Recipes Tools Stories Studies Products
Active Low-Carber Forums
A sugar-free zone


Welcome to the Active Low-Carber Forums.
Support for Atkins diet, Protein Power, Neanderthin (Paleo Diet), CAD/CALP, Dr. Bernstein Diabetes Solution and any other healthy low-carb diet or plan, all are welcome in our lowcarb community. Forget starvation and fad diets -- join the healthy eating crowd! You may register by clicking here, it's free!

Go Back   Active Low-Carber Forums > Main Low-Carb Diets Forums & Support > Low-Carb Support Focus Groups > Emotional Issues & Body Image
User Name
Password
FAQ Members Calendar Mark Forums Read Search Gallery My P.L.A.N. Survey


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1   ^
Old Fri, Aug-12-11, 01:08
TaraTea TaraTea is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 132
 
Plan: LC Maintain
Stats: 220/127.5/140 Female 5'4"
BF:20.6
Progress: 116%
Location: Northeast Nebraska
Default losing weight and losing a friend?

i've lost 33 pounds since may and i think it's affecting my friendship with a specific friend. we've been friends for a few years and we were/are pretty close.

the thing is that before i started a LC lifestyle, we weighed about the same. we would complain about it, but never do anything about it. instead, we'd go out, eat unhealthy things and talk about what we should be doing.

i've changed and now i have a hard time listening to her complaining about her weight. i've worked hard and i'm almost half way to my final goal. i've told her that i don't want to hear it anymore. i try to give helpful suggestions and she yells at me. i try to tell her how much losing weight has helped me and how i feel like an entirely new person and she yells at me.

we used to be close. we used to talk just about every day and i have a hard time even bothering anymore. she's selfish and jealous. i guess i don't understand complaining for the sake of complaining anymore. i want to live my life to the fullest and being overweight wasn't allowing me to do that.
no one can make me go back the way i used to be even if it's uncomfortable for them.

does anyone else have experiences with friends who don't like the fact you are losing weight and living your life differently than before? i'm not even sure if my friend truly acknowledges that she feels that way.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2   ^
Old Fri, Aug-12-11, 01:15
Eric Pisch's Avatar
Eric Pisch Eric Pisch is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 148
 
Plan: Primal
Stats: 478.4/248.0/228 Male 73
BF:28.9%
Progress: 92%
Default

unfortunately when it comes to weight loss we have to want to do it and cant be pushed into it by others

its a difficult situation, for me i wont be around anyone that wants to sabotage me
Reply With Quote
  #3   ^
Old Fri, Aug-12-11, 08:27
cnmLisa's Avatar
cnmLisa cnmLisa is offline
Every day is day one
Posts: 7,776
 
Plan: AtkinsMaintenance/IF
Stats: 185/145/155 Female 5'5
BF:
Progress: 133%
Location: Oregon Coast
Default

Perhaps she is jealous.
Perhaps she is selfish.
Perhaps she fears failure, again.
Perhaps she sees herself as inferior.
Perhaps she is scared.
Perhaps she feels weak.

Perhaps....


Perhaps now is the time to show her some compassion. It sounds as if your pain of staying the same became stronger than your pain of change. She has not arrived at that place yet. It's wasting your breath and frustrating you, making her angry...she will not persue the changes she needs to make on your schedule but on her own schedule.

Stop trying to change her. Stop discussing it. Walk silently. Lead by example.

In the end you may have moved past this friend, or in the end thru you example she will move forward to change and be grateful for your example.

Progress not perfection.

Lisa
Reply With Quote
  #4   ^
Old Fri, Aug-12-11, 08:49
Sue333 Sue333 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 924
 
Plan: Paleo/Primal
Stats: 226/181.5/150 Female 5'7"
BF:Why yes it is!
Progress: 59%
Location: Saskatoon Saskatchewan
Default

Is it possible that much of your friendship was due to the fact that you were both overweight, and enabled each other? Now that you are no longer an enabler, and do not want to be enabled, much of the basis of your friendship is gone? If this is the case, you need to find a new basis for your friendship, or acknowledge that this friend was a friend for "a season," and not for life. This is not a reflection of your characters, it's a reality of how we relate to people. I wish you luck with this issue!
Reply With Quote
  #5   ^
Old Fri, Aug-12-11, 08:58
teresaw's Avatar
teresaw teresaw is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 7,064
 
Plan: LC and PH now and then.
Stats: 176.5/153/140 Female 60 ins
BF:
Progress: 64%
Location: Sardinia, Italy
Default

It sounds a little like when one friend has a boyfriend and the other is the gooseberry! they can tag along, but your really not that close because your consummed with your new life. You haven't broken friends, but your busy with other things. You either live 2 lives, your low carb life and then being your friends friend. If she wants, she can join in. People do not want to be told what to do, just leave her to ask you how your doing.
Another example is when someone has a baby, all they can talk about is the new baby, nappies, breast milk etc, it takes another new Mom to appreaciate it... all her other friends are rolling their eyes. Do they hate their friend? NO, they just don't have that common ground anymore..... time changes everything.
Reply With Quote
  #6   ^
Old Tue, Aug-16-11, 01:59
TaraTea TaraTea is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 132
 
Plan: LC Maintain
Stats: 220/127.5/140 Female 5'4"
BF:20.6
Progress: 116%
Location: Northeast Nebraska
Default

i've considered the fact that we were bonding over being overweight. i do have a new life now and it involves keeping on top of things, so i don't fall back into old habits. this gets easier every day. i do think about it a lot and anyone who is in my life will hear about it, because it is part of my day. i want to share, but it must be hard for her. i can try to say less and see if that helps, but i worry the more and more that i lose... the more resentful she will become.

mostly, i don't want to hear her complaining anymore. she is like a sound clip stuck on repeat. negative, negative, negative. i want to hear good things. we can remain friends, but she needs to keep her negativity to herself when she's around me, because it stresses me out. she can do whatever she wants with her life, but i'm tired of her disrespectful attitudes towards me.

i guess only time will tell. thanks for your feedback.
Reply With Quote
  #7   ^
Old Tue, Aug-30-11, 19:06
Silver Div's Avatar
Silver Div Silver Div is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 26
 
Plan: Modified Adkins
Stats: 221/199/170 Female 5'4"
BF:
Progress: 43%
Default

You know, any time you give up an addiction, especially one that has become woven into the relationships in your life, you will find all of the relationships changing.

I quit smoking pot with my first husband and his friends because it causd me to have asthma attacks (a REAL downer!)...and found myself divorced. That was in the 70's.

I quit drinking AND smoking (tobacco) in the 80's, and lost all of my friends because I couldn't go out and 'party' without longing for that beer and cigarette. I chose to go for a run or bike ride instead because it was that important for me to lose the bad habits that were affecting my health.

My eldest daughter recently discovered she was pregnant...right before a long-planned trip to Kansas City to watch the Boston Red Sox school the Royals with several of her friends. No way was she going to NOT see her Red Sox play...but several friends were miffed that she wasn't interested in doing the bar scene afterwards. One tried very hard to convince her that "just a few beers" wouldn't hurt! Needless to say, daughter won't be running with that bunch, even after Baby is born!

Treating your friend with compassion and understanding is a fine thought...but if Miss Downer threatens to affect the positive changes you have made in your life, I'd step away. You have worked hard to remove the toxic substances that were poisoning your body. Don't let a 'toxic' personality poison your mind and soul, and throw a major wrench into your momentum.
Reply With Quote
  #8   ^
Old Tue, Aug-30-11, 22:14
RolyLeo RolyLeo is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 134
 
Plan: carnivore w/ IF
Stats: 214/000/127 Female 5 feet
BF:plenty
Progress: 246%
Default

I feel bad for both of you guys, but maybe more for your friend because she has kind of been left behind and you are off towards better things, kwim? It seems like you're feeling hurt and angry without considering where her behavior is coming from. And I agree with what cnmLisa said about having a little compassion.

Otoh, I don't think you should let her treat you badly and just take it. When things get hard maybe you should call her on it and try to talk about what's behind it.
Reply With Quote
  #9   ^
Old Wed, Aug-31-11, 05:22
krystalr's Avatar
krystalr krystalr is offline
Induction ≠ Atkins
Posts: 5,886
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 270/164/180 Female 69 inches
BF:28%
Progress: 118%
Location: Frisco, TX
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaraTea
we can remain friends, but she needs to keep her negativity to herself when she's around me, because it stresses me out. she can do whatever she wants with her life, but i'm tired of her disrespectful attitudes towards me.


Just to play devil's advocate, she probably feels that you are being disrespectful to her by continually trying to get her on board and talking about what you're doing when she's made it clear she isn't interested.

It sounds like it's time for a heart to heart about where you two are at, and how to fix it *IF* both sides want it to be fixed.
Reply With Quote
  #10   ^
Old Wed, Aug-31-11, 08:15
Nancy LC's Avatar
Nancy LC Nancy LC is offline
Experimenter
Posts: 25,843
 
Plan: DDF
Stats: 202/185.4/179 Female 67
BF:
Progress: 72%
Location: San Diego, CA
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaraTea
i've told her that i don't want to hear it anymore. i try to give helpful suggestions and she yells at me. i try to tell her how much losing weight has helped me and how i feel like an entirely new person and she yells at me.

This is probably the crux of the matter. Before you were probably non-judgmental, sympathetic, a good ear to unload onto. Now you've become evangelical about your new WOE and it just makes her feel bad that she isn't/can't/won't do the same.

If you want to keep this friend then you'll probably need to keep a lid on how fabulous you're doing and how wonderful your diet is. Find a new common ground to talk about. But the more you beat her on the head with it, the more she's going to react.

Just guessing, of course, but this issue could be 50% you. Something to think about.
Reply With Quote
  #11   ^
Old Thu, Sep-01-11, 20:02
Jonahsafta Jonahsafta is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,304
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 248/149.2/148 Female 69 inches
BF:
Progress: 99%
Location: Las Vegas
Default

Look,friendship is about love, acceptance and support....my bestest friend. Diana..loved me fat. thin...l/c or s.a.d...skinny or fat..our relationship has ALWAYS been abt things way deeper than our appearance..over 20 yrs later we are exactly the same sz...embrace l/c.....but neither of us..badgered the other to get there.. we have always embraced the positive....the joy in our lives....and we have kicked each others butts when we were negative...disrespectful or arrogant..thats true friendship..IMHO
Reply With Quote
  #12   ^
Old Fri, Sep-02-11, 13:48
WereBear's Avatar
WereBear WereBear is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 14,606
 
Plan: EpiPaleo/Primal/LowOx
Stats: 220/125/150 Female 67
BF:
Progress: 136%
Location: USA
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TaraTea
the thing is that before i started a LC lifestyle, we weighed about the same. we would complain about it, but never do anything about it. instead, we'd go out, eat unhealthy things and talk about what we should be doing.


Once upon a time; you were the same kinds of people, faced with the same problems... and deciding to handle them the same ways

That's not true any more. So unless there's another basis for the friendship; there's isn't any basis for the friendship.
Reply With Quote
  #13   ^
Old Fri, Sep-02-11, 14:14
red1cutie's Avatar
red1cutie red1cutie is offline
"Natural Mystic"
Posts: 5,905
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 178/108/120 Female 5' 1"
BF:45%/17%/15%
Progress: 121%
Location: T.O.
Default

I agree with most of what has been written. The point I wanted to make is that she is probably also afraid of losing her friendship with you.

Perhaps she feels that the "New" you might not want to be her friend anymore.

Maybe she needs carrying for a while but that is what true friendships/relationships are about.

Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -6. The time now is 16:37.


Copyright © 2000-2024 Active Low-Carber Forums @ forum.lowcarber.org
Powered by: vBulletin, Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.