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  #1   ^
Old Mon, Dec-04-17, 20:05
Nic 41's Avatar
Nic 41 Nic 41 is offline
New Member
Posts: 17
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 224/207.8/125 Female 5’2
BF:
Progress: 16%
Default Friends Threatened By Your Weight Loss?

I have a friend who decided what my weight should be and that I should stay at 150 lbs. She told me since I’m in forties, it will much more difficult to lose weight. I’m only 5’2” and have never had ANYONE tell me what my weight should be. 150 lbs at my height is still high on the BMI. This is a person who is 5’4 inches and about 165 lbs. she does go to the gym but doesn’t follow any specific food plan and carries most of her weight in her stomach.

She uses excuses that she can’t lose weight but here I am in my forties and what she said I couldn’t do I just did. I hope to lose another 2 lbs by Dec 7 which will be one month. The fact that it’s harder to lose weight in your forties is b.s. IMO. If I lost another 2 lbs in the next 3 days ( if it happens great, if not I won’t stress), it would be 12 lbs in one month and that included low carbing while on vacation for a week where I upped my carbs a bit and also monthly female cycle that stalls everything.

It really irked me that she is telling me what weight I should be. I told her that’s my decision and I will decide.

Is this someone who is threatened by me? She also says she has a sarcastic sense of humour but uses that excuse to put other people down. She once insulted me about a shirt I was wearing and then said she was only kidding. This is also someone who constantly needs to validate herself through others by bragging.

Her jabs are rolled up in her so called sarcasm or being passive aggressive and so comments about my weight loss motives don’t surprise me. Once I went back on atkins she didn’t she offer her support or cheer me on.

After many incidences, I wonder if I want her as a friend anymore.

Have you ever had anyone threatened ed by your weight loss?

Last edited by Nic 41 : Mon, Dec-04-17 at 20:19.
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  #2   ^
Old Mon, Dec-04-17, 20:20
cotonpal's Avatar
cotonpal cotonpal is online now
Senior Member
Posts: 5,283
 
Plan: very low carb real food
Stats: 245/125/135 Female 62
BF:
Progress: 109%
Location: Vermont
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic 41

After many incidences, I wonder if I want her as a friend anymore.

Have you ever had anyone threatened ed by your weight loss?


That was going to be my question. Why do you want to be friends with her? You know you are doing what is best for you. No one needs that kind of negative energy around them.

Jean
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  #3   ^
Old Mon, Dec-04-17, 20:28
Nic 41's Avatar
Nic 41 Nic 41 is offline
New Member
Posts: 17
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 224/207.8/125 Female 5’2
BF:
Progress: 16%
Default

She started out as really nice as we are both single parents and have teenage kids with other things in common. I’ve just found in the last few months, I’ve seen another side of her I don’t like. It’s like she wants to get a reaction out of me. Plus I am also friends with her older sister. Right now we are taking a break from each other as we spent a week together on vacation where I saw more things I didn’t like. I’m by no means perfect but it is always one sided and about her. I always believe that friendships are reciprocal but I don’t feel the equality in this one. Many time I have been interrupted where the situation turns back to her. I am only imagine as I progress with my weight loss, she is not going to like it. I was always the fat friendly one and it probably made her feel better because she wasn’t the fat one. I feel as though I can’t share good news with her or show her something I bought. She is someone where it has to be about her or nothing at all. I feel she isn’t someone who is able to share in someone else’s happiness.
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  #4   ^
Old Tue, Dec-05-17, 01:42
Ambulo's Avatar
Ambulo Ambulo is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 3,171
 
Plan: LerC, TRE, IF
Stats: 150/120/120 Female 64 inches
BF:
Progress: 100%
Location: the North, England
Default

Sounds like you have sussed her out. It is sad to lose a friend, or someone we thought was a friend, but at least you know enough not to undermine yourself by dancing to her tune.
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  #5   ^
Old Tue, Dec-05-17, 09:51
kathleen24 kathleen24 is offline
Monday came.
Posts: 4,418
 
Plan: my own
Stats: 275/228.6/155 Female 5'4"
BF:ummm . . . ?
Progress: 39%
Default

It sounds like you miss the positivity you once saw in her. One option is to remove attention except when you see what you like, and then turn the spotlight on and shine. Essentially retrain her to be the person you are willing to be with. Limited eye-contact, distracted "mmm-hmmm's" when she's being a bore, and then when you see glimpses of what you liked in her, full eye contact, and a big smile and nod. She'll start giving you more of what gets her what she wants. Especially if life requires you to be around her now, such as a co-worker, or wanting to be around her sister without awkwardness.

You get to chose your limits. The reality is that she's not going to know your weight unless you tell her, or what you're eating, or whether you've lost, or how you're working out. Just set boundaries. If she insists on bringing it up, say "I've decided not to discuss my weight, food, or exercise with anyone but my doctor for the present." If she presses, repeat the same sentence until the message has been received.



Who cares what she thinks about whether you can lose weight, since you're doing it? Talk about the weather, or how she's decorating for the holidays, or a movie you've both seen. Or do things with her that don't involve conversation--go to a concert together.

People can be peculiar. You could probably salvage this relationship if you decide to, but keep it light, get in, get out when you've had enough.

I knew a woman once whom I had to deal with; worked with her husband, lived in the same building, our kids were friends. She looked at me once in shock when I'd been losing weight and said, "How much do you weigh?" I told her, and she said, "I have to lose weight." Woops! Message was clear--my job was to be fatter than her, and I'd screwed up. She defined herself, but I just laughed inwardly and moved on. Some people are true friends, and some are just acquaintances, and won't ever be worth the time to get to the bottom of problems like this. She sounds like this kind of person, but also probably not worth the energy she would take if the relationship turned antagonistic.

Just create a little distance each time she offends. "Nope, can't see you. Busy. Gotta go. I have plans that day, sorry. Something in the oven, bye." Etc.
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  #6   ^
Old Tue, Dec-05-17, 15:50
bkloots's Avatar
bkloots bkloots is online now
Senior Member
Posts: 10,147
 
Plan: LC--Atkins
Stats: 195/162/150 Female 62in
BF:
Progress: 73%
Location: Kansas City, MO
Default

Looks like Kathleen provided a thorough discussion.
Quote:
After many incidences, I wonder if I want her as a friend anymore.
Your decision. There are degrees of friendship, and life is too short to let some person be a constant aggravation.
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  #7   ^
Old Tue, Dec-05-17, 19:08
barb712's Avatar
barb712 barb712 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,435
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 240/188/185 Female 5'11"
BF:
Progress: 95%
Default

Sometimes friendships end when the dynamic changes. I've experienced that with people in my life. Oh well. You'll attract new friends more in tune with where you're at now.
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  #8   ^
Old Wed, Dec-06-17, 01:10
Grav Grav is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,469
 
Plan: Banting
Stats: 302/187/187 Male 175cm
BF:
Progress: 100%
Location: New Zealand
Default

I don't know if I'd go as far as to say that I know of anyone who might feel "threatened" by my weight loss, but I'd certainly say that some friends got a little quieter along the way as I got smaller.

Still, as someone who was previously overweight his entire life, I'd much rather deal with a handful of people who might feel threatened by my newfound success, than with a world full of people who felt offended by my past failure.
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  #9   ^
Old Tue, Dec-19-17, 22:02
nawchem's Avatar
nawchem nawchem is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 8,701
 
Plan: No gluten, CAD
Stats: 196.0/158.5/149.0 Female 62
BF:36/29.0/27.3
Progress: 80%
Default

I had this situation last year. I finally got in that place where I wanted to eat LC again. My good friend did everything she could to sabatage including sending a big goody box and stated that I couldn't start until Jan 1st.

I took a long look at how our relationship had evolved to that point.

Long story short there's no longer a friendship. I want to be an equal and be respected.
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  #10   ^
Old Wed, Dec-20-17, 10:51
Nic 41's Avatar
Nic 41 Nic 41 is offline
New Member
Posts: 17
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 224/207.8/125 Female 5’2
BF:
Progress: 16%
Default

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. Well after a week of not speaking , I reached out to ask how she was and she never responded. I had invited her for Christmas dinner and she got her sister who has been a long time friend I worked with to get her to tell me that she won’t be coming for dinner and that she is in too much pain physically “ to deal with me”. She has done me a favour because I realized that I don’t want a negative person like her in my life. Looking back, it was a one sided phony friendship on her part. True friends try to work out their differences and I figured once she realized that I had her figured out, she disappeared-literally! No sweat off my back but I was the mature one to reach out and she gave me the silent treatment. Since then I’ve been doing great and dropped another 5 lbs. I don’t have to listen to negativity anymore or her sarcastic passive aggressive jabs at me. I have other friends where we take care and support each other.
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  #11   ^
Old Thu, Dec-21-17, 13:16
nawchem's Avatar
nawchem nawchem is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 8,701
 
Plan: No gluten, CAD
Stats: 196.0/158.5/149.0 Female 62
BF:36/29.0/27.3
Progress: 80%
Default

Nic it took me 4 months to get over the loss of my friend, we had been friends since we were 14. There was anger and hurt. Now I can say I love her, she was a sweet friend and I wish her the best. It was an unhealthy relationship and a lot of it was my fault. That's when the peace came.
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