I am not hungry and not really in the mood for food. I do not want to cook or prepare my meals because I am not really hungry. Food doesn't seem appetizing to me right now. I just do not want food nor do I want to eat.

I think it might be due to personal stress but on Sunday it will be a year since I lost my first boyfriend in a car accident and I am stressing out over going to his memorial at the cemetery and his family being upset with me for getting a new boyfriend ten months after he died and them thinking I am moving on and forgetting their son when really I could never forget him and I miss, think about and love him every single day. I also do not want my boyfriend to think I am not moving on or not ready to be in another relationship because I am and I need him and am finally feeling "Whole" again and remembering how amazing it feels to love and be loved by someone now that I am with him but a piece of my heart will always be with my now deceased boyfriend's family and he was my first love and my first for everything and I was with him for two years which is a long time for two kids (I was 20 when he died and he was 21) and we have a lot of history and memories and it is just so much. I do not want it to be a year since he died because I do not want to accept that time is moving on and so am I nor do I want anyone to think I am forgetting him because I could never forget him or what I experienced for the two years we were in love.

I am so sorry for ranting up there I am just majorly stressed out and need to vent and get it off my chest, I broke down on my roommate today and cried on her shoulder for 20 minutes just gut wrenching sobbing because I am and I thought successfully moved on and I have been living the way he would have wanted me to and I have a new boyfriend and have been so happy and doing so well in the last few months but then the anniversary of his death is coming up on Sunday and now suddenly I am a mess. My roommate told me that a part of me will always love and miss him and that a one year anniversary of someone's death is the most difficult and the pain will always make an unwanted appearance on these dates and even sometimes when we least expect it. I just wish it wouldn't because we made a promise while he was alive that if we were ever separated by death that we would live for the other one and live the most happiest and best life possible for the both of us which is what I have been doing and I really have truly been happy so I don't know why I suddenly am bursting into tears. I was training a clients horse early this morning as it is my half-day today at the barn and I was blanketing him and he was standing in the cross ties and he seemed to know I was in need of it because he nuzzled me and put his head over my shoulder in such a manner it was almost like he was trying to give me a hug. Which I really needed.

Anyways I was wondering I probably won't end up eating until at least Sunday because my stomach is a mess. My boyfriend is taking me to his hockey game on the weekend and he wants to spend as much time with me as possible because he knows this has been and still is a difficult week for me and though he doesn't know how it feels because he has never had a significant other die he understands and wants me to feel as best as possible so he is staying with me pretty much everyday so unless he convinces me to eat I do not think I will as my stomach is twisted in a giant knot and I feel like I will be sick if I eat. Will not eating do anything negative to my body? Will I drop muscle or any weight for that matter? I just feel sick and do not want to eat.

Thanks.

Dont worry about food, eating or your body, just get through your grief right now. Our bodies are amazing things and will go with you on this.

Be strong!

Jo xxxx

Josiebear, yours is such a sad post. It's natural that you must still be going through a grieving process, and you just need to be gentle with yourself and not put extra demands on yourself. Don't worry about the eating, but try to drink a few calories. Try drinking yoghurt diluted in water - it's an Indian drink which is very palatable when you're feeling sick, and will help keep your body functioning better. Personally, I cannot eat when I am miserable either, but sadly for my waistline, I'm normally a very upbeat person, so I am still a tubster.

Sometimes there can be a bit of an expectation that people "move on" from sadness, usually from people who haven't experienced a major loss themselves, and don't really understand or have the capacity to deal with it. You're lucky to have a supportive flatmate, and hopefully those tears will have helped the healing process on it a bit. I think guilt is probably one of the emotions which everyone goes through when they lose someone they love. I'm sorry that you're worrying that your boyfriend's family might disapprove of you being with someone new, but actually even if they do, that's more about trying to cling to the past than embracing the changes which must now take place. It's healthy and right for you to mourn your loss and also to allow yourself to form attachments to other people. Just be gentle with your heart, because it could be easily broken at this time - don't invest too much emotion in your new boyfriend. It's easy to transfer your feelings onto a new person, and sometimes people end up in the wrong relationships as a result of this. Give yourself time to get over your last relationship first before making any long-term decisions. That said, your boyfriend sounds really, really lovely and understanding, so I wish you both well and hope it works out.

Something I found very helpful when I went through a period of extreme grief was taking some time alone every day and quietly thinking about how I felt then writing it down. For me, that helped me to stay in touch with my inner emotions and was an outlet for everything which generally had to be supressed and bottled up in order to get through the day.

I hope that the memorial service proves to be another healiing experience for you. Things will eventually feel easier - I am sure of that.

Its been 10 months for goodness sakes, you do what you need to do for you and not the rest of the world. As for food, you don't need to eat for several weeks and you will survive, you will be fine. But when you do eat, make sure its low carb because you don't want to be feelling any worse than you already are.
I do understand where your coming from, I lost my high school sweet heart back when we were still in school. We were together all through high school till the middle of our Sr year. He died in an aweful car accidnet and I will never forget that night.
I understand the heard ache and missing him. I still miss Mike from all those years ago, but I carried on with my life and here I am with a wonderful man and 3 kids.

Chin up, ignore the others and do what you need to do.