Big hugs to you!! When I started dating my now husband he was aware of all the garbage I went through and was sweet and didn't even try to hold my hand until I initiated it. To me that is a real man. He wanted me for me not to just satisfy some male libido issue. Took him forever to kiss me. But it was well worth the wait!!
YOU are worth waiting for!!! If you are not ready then to bad so sad for him or anyone else.
Counseling is a great idea. I went with my kids we all needed it. They've seen too much its not easy on them either. I'm thankful they get to see what a healthy relationship is now.
I also have to say what awesome parents you have!!
You should be proud of how far you've come!! Good job on not letting him invade your space. Keep it a business relationship when it comes to the kids.
Good luck!!

Wow, you can't rant any time you like, I know exactly where your coming from and am totaly understanding. My first X hated me when I lost weight, I still hate him, he's living with my little sister who's heavy and he likes it that way. My 2nd X got physicaly and verbaly abusive, he never hit, but found other ways to cause pain and liked to see me flinch so he could call me a puss or baby or worse. He called me and my children awful names that arn't repeatable. Nothing made him happy, he turned to porn, then he didn't want me any more. I turned off internet (I really did) and he hated me for a long time for that. I would like to know, how someone that says they love you can hurt you so badly in the next instant? That question will always haunt me.

We split and I started dating my present BF 6 months later. My X and I were still married, I started the divorce because BF had beliefs againt dating a married woman and it bothered him (but didn't stop him). I couldn't afford it, but that divorce was the best thing ever! He became more violent, there was always a friend or relative here when came for the kids. Texts put me in tears, he new how to get me. I thought BF was going to leave me, but he stuck it out. Here we are, year and a half after X left. I've lost 42lbs, still have some to loose but look good and I let him see it. I hold my head high and I look my best when he's around. I want him to see what he tossed away, and I want him to feel the pain of it, just like he gave to me.

Tonight, he dropped off the kids and wanted to stick around and visit. I'm sitting here in a white tank and tight jogging shorts, I had just finished my work out. I didn't cover myself, I let him see me and what he can't have at home. He stuck around for 15 min, he was friendly, talked about the kids and the painting I've done in the house and the damage to my car when I hat that dog.

BF loved me when I was heavier, and he likes my new shape and isn't bothered it when I go out and get attention. I still fear that some day BF is going to turn mean and hurt me and the children, but he appearls to have a gentle hand and a fairly high tollerance when it comes to his temper and he's willing to talk when theres a problem.

But I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've learned to not rust men.

Hold your head high, and don't let him yell at you. I know you have to deal with him about the kids, but texts and having some one there will help keep his temper under control. Never get into a situation where you can't get away from him. I've had to shove my X out of the house, a neighbors showed up because the X was here way longer than normal. Do what ever it takes, don't loose your temper and don't let him push you around. You don't serve him any more, you can tell him to kiss off.

BTW, I know what you mean about getting into trouble when you don't have the kids. I love my every other weekend and every Wed. without them. BF and I run crazy one day, then the next we sleep all day and its the best in the world. I can go out and be myself without fear of kids seeing Mommy be naughty Wear a condom, and be careful when you get yourself into trouble. You will settle down after a while, single life can be fun, for a while.

When I started therapy after my ex dumped me for a younger needier version of myself I asked my therapist: "When you look at me what do you see?"
Her response: "A victim."

That was a kick in the stomach, but just the kick I needed. She helped me gradually come to that place where whatever my ex (or anyone else for that matter) said was only a reflection on himself. I no longer needed to hear him put me down.

From your posts the basic message I am getting is that you feel the need for him to attack you because it is secretly what you feel inside yourself. As you stumble along the path to loving yourself, and taking actions that prove your self-love, you will arrive at that place where his rants will bounce right off you. But funny thing is, the moment when you no longer need those rants is the moment when he won't be ranting.

It is possible that you two, as parents, will be able to respect each other. Or at the least you will be able to respect yourself and he will, too. Bless you and carry on.

Yeah. My self-pity induced partying got to a really bad place last year. By July, right before I started my job, I was doing some excessively stupid things. I was always "safe" about the insanely UNsafe situations I put myself in.

I know exactly what you mean on him knowing how to get to you. XH knows just how to push my buttons. 6 months after I posted that rant, he still does, but I can proudly say I can push it aside and just smile. We have friendly discussions every other Saturday morning when he picks the kids up, speak to each other when there are issues with our children, and that's about it. When he lost the power to piss me off, he just stopped trying.

I told myself for the first few months after the divorce I'm not a victim, I'm not a victim but it wasn't until I got my job and started putting my own life back together that I was able to really step back. I realized that I was pushing off so much of what happened on him and never mentally smacking myself for letting it happen. Every "rational" justification for why I allowed it came down to fear.

The big test was when Mom died in November. My first instinct, four hours after her death, was to return to the known of my XH to alleviate the immediate fear of the unknown. I picked up the phone to dial my girlfriend for the third time that morning and begged her to list off every reason my XH is a worthless piece of crap. She just sighed into the phone and said she was glad I called her. She'd been worried since the first call that I was going to go back to my ex for stability.

My BF has some serious issues understanding my emotional problems. There are many things I just roll over and take, because after being abused for so long, you learn to pick your battles. Other times, I fly off the handle in self-defense.


This. I have such a hard time relying on my BF. We're pregnant now (almost 3 months), because the BCP failed. I find myself wanting to discuss things and just can't. Things I would have said to XH in a heartbeat during my other pregnancies. Money, living arrangements, excitement about the baby, fears for the future. XH and I used to sit down, in good times, and make stupid little drawings of our "dream house." I can't even bring myself to talk about more than 6 months from now with BF. Once bitten, twice shy. I feel like I gave all my trust and love to my XH, and while I can give my BF love, I won't be able to trust him the same way.

I'll probably be seeking counselling soon. Better late than never. Between the divorce, my mom's sudden death and the ninja pregnancy, I'm just an emotional mess. I have serious control and privacy issues, which have prevented me from seeking counselling before. It's just gotten to the point that I need to swallow that pride and do it.

Altari, big hugs to you. There are parts of that about trust that I could have written myself. My husband doesn't understand why we don't really talk, and you laid it all out in that post. We are better than we used to be about it, but still. Our "ninja baby" is just over a year old now (thought DH was sterile, um, yeah) and things are ok. One day at a time, as they say.

Altari, you are a beautiful (I looked at your photos), strong, independent woman. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but at least now it's over and you get to live your life the way you are supposed to: be confident, allow yourself to be admired by others and find a strong man who can handle having a gorgeous woman by his side and knows how to show her that he appreciates her. I just commented on another one of your posts, the one in which you mentioned having your photos taken. You truly are an example of success!