Bulimia antics- my struggle with myself.
Right now I feel literally exhausted. I just had the most intense sugar craving I've had in awhile. So I ate a salad and chicken breast. All of the sudden some of my old binge/purge demons came back to me, and I ran to the bathroom to rid myself of my HEALTHY low-carb dinner.
As I was lurched over the toilet, finger down my throat, beckoning myself to "just throw up. just do it already" I started crying uncontrollably, stopped myself before the purge actually gave way, and sat on the bathroom floor for a few moments.
Anyone who knows the monstrosity of emotions that go along with being bulimic, know that stopping oneself, after begining to induce any action associated (binge or purge) to be the equivalent of stopping a bullet with Cling wrap.
BUT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The entire reason I initially wanted to purge my dinner tonight was because after I got the INTENSE sweet craving, I wanted to go on an ice cream binge, and having eaten dinner, there would be too little room in my stomach.
After the purge, I was then planning on rushing out the door, to Cold Stone Creamery. (The ONLY thing I really miss being LC) But you see, when I eat ice cream, its not just a bowl. or two. or even three. It's the whole carton. And when I go to Cold Stone, its not the child size... it's the BIGGEST one there. With whipped cream, candy bars, hot fudge, pound cake, gram crackers, cookie dough, carmel, THE works.
Instead of jetting off to COLD STONE CREAMERY... I went into my bedroom, took my clothes off, and stared at myself, long and hard, in the mirror. I then put my absolute FAVORITE skirt on (the one I only sorta fit into anymore) that used to look FABULOUS on me... and I'm wearing it, as I sit here typing.
That, and a cup of peppermint tea... BROKE my binge.
I wish everyone else who endures what I did tonight, all the strenght and love in the world. This forum is my sanity. Good luck all.
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