Hello, my name is PJ.
The last few days I've found a number of web bbs's dedicated to a low-carb lifestyle and I have to admit I'm simply astonished (and delighted!) at all the support available. I was really hoping I could find some support through the internet, since I've none in-person, and frankly I can hardly believe my good fortune. For whatever challenges may lie ahead, lack of caring community is apparently not one of them! This site and this section is truly terrific.
Now that I think I'm getting a handle on what forum is where (I was lost in the various websites for a couple days), I'd like to ask to join your 100+ group. I was going to post on the previous 100+ thread but after reading 13 pages of posts on just one thread I thought maybe it was time to create a new one!
There were so many great posts in that thread on so many different topics, by the time I'd read it all I'd forgotten half of what I kind of wanted to respond to. So I hope you'll forgive me but as introduction I'm just going to volunteer thoughts on various things that thread brought up for me, all responding to something I read there, in no particular order.
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One thing pics of people (before, after, and during) is making me notice is that, while this is hardly relevent, it is almost a sociological phenomenon how many currently or formerly seriously obese women are downright beautiful. I mean, in the general population, people are just people, and extremely pretty women -- a totally subjective measure of my own of course! -- do not make up anywhere near 90% of the total. Yet I've spent days doing nothing but reading bbs's and success stories and websites and so forth, and I am repeatedly astonished at how downright pretty so many of these women are. I wonder, do they have any idea?? Probably not.
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A friend I love dearly is hypothyroid and struggled beyond belief with losing 40 lbs, and for a long time with losing the last 12 lbs, which she's still working toward. Of course, I have to lose about 275 lbs, so by this point in my life, anything less than 50lbs seems hardly worth mentioning, and anything less than 25 seems like whining. Yet, she and I have so much in common, which I see on these message boards also -- in the end, it is just as important to lose 7 lbs that is making your life miserable as it is to lose 150. Wellness, self-esteem, and the ability to live life courageously are totally independent of the number. So I'm pleased to see an overall group that shares together, as well as 'sections' dedicated to specific things, like the 100+ club.
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Emotional triggers to eat, as well as emotional triggers to cheat or remain fat are something I have only mostly seen 'mentioned in passing' in threads and archives, but I think this is an area that should probably get a lot more attention in its own way. My impression is that going into this Way of Eating (WOE), everyone is primarily concerned with getting through the next 10 minutes. Perhaps the psychological aspect of weight is something people closer to their goals would be more able to open up about. I also think that some degree of carb cravings and such could be psychologically prompted or emphasized, and that a very positive psychology to change belief systems, self-image etc. would be a good accompaniament to this WOE. I've seen less activity in 'maintenance' areas in many places so maybe that'd be a topic to introduce there.
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On a different thread (ah... somewhere) a saw a post about a woman whose family had focused on her weight when she was a kid, something psychologists might call the "presented symptom" (when a dysfunctional relationship-set vents and projects on one person/area, usually a child). I was thin until my early 20's. Yet my family obsessed on my "fat". I have pictures of vacations we took where the entire drive there, week of vacation, and drive home was nothing but fat jokes and comments... just horrible.... despite that I left them all in the dust hiking, and that the pictures show me to be a perfectly normal 15 year old in shorts, if anything pretty decent looking. I thought I was "gigantic". Huge. I really did. On the other side of my family, all the women (I wonder if something like PCOS could run in families?) get to their mid-20's and balloon into the 100-300lbs overweight minimum level. It is so predictable that combined with the fact that I already "felt" huge, left me not-surprised when it happened, and I just tuned out my whole physical reality related to weight. So I never really dieted (except two 1-week tries a couple years ago) because I was too busy working and refusing to think about it to come to terms with it. Now I feel rather like an AA member or something where the first stage is 'admitting' it.
But more noticeable is my finally realizing that throughout my childhood I had a totally distorted self-image, thinking I was hideously ugly and gigantically fat when I was anything but either, and then moved into being, in fact, pretty gigantically fat, which I've so avoided dealing with, that everytime I see a picture of myself (which are rare, as I avoid cameras to the extreme) I am literally SHOCKED an appalled and have thoughts like, "It can't be." Some part of me feels like I'm still 22 and athletic and just too 'cool' to be fat at all let alone to such extreme. So weirdly enough, I felt fat when thin, and felt... well, not thin, but didn't really "feel my weight" when fat. Either way, it's just totally distorted.
I think sharing real numbers with other people on these boards must be very valuable as a reality-check and putting it in black and white.
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One person mentioned her father triggering her to eat - I relate. Now, my father stops by my house, and while he has been trained to quit saying things like, "Pull up a couple'a chairs and siddown, hahaha!" or "Looks like you need to do some push-aways -- push away from the table, haha!" (mind you, this stuff when I was 5'6, athletic and 140 lbs), still, my relationship with him is such that he can push my buttons like nobody else -- and all in the area of self esteem. Five minutes with dad invalidating me can result in what I now see is depressive eating -- comfort food.
And then, as he really now encourages me (in a nice way) to lose weight, I attempt to tell he and my stepmother about the PPLP, and they get all opinionated about it, as if they know a flippin' thing about nutrition, and as if THEY don't both need to lose weight too! You know, my stepmother is a TEXTBOOK case of Syndrome X, and she follows the doc's rules and nothing ever gets better, but it never occurs to her that maybe her doctor is not a god and she should find a doctor with an eating plan that really WILL lower her blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.
I went on Atkins twice, only for about a week each, two years ago. Once I got so sick I had to go off (I really needed supplements, it was terrible). The next time, my husband (now ex) so openly sabotaged me at every turn that it was almost awe inspiring how extensive an effort it was. We lived in Nowhere, Texas and there were no stores open when I got home from work (one a block away). He'd "accidentally forget" and eat the only foods *I* could eat. "Oh! There's no more cheese, I ate that chicken, and look, I made a cheesecake! MMMMN, I think I'll have some." When I realized the degree to which he was sabotaging me, I realized the degree to which that extended to every area of my life -- food was just the one I was so vulnerable to that I finally saw it. Hence, my current single mother status.
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On the subject of people's "opinions" about weight --
For 12 years now, whether in the company of friends, coworkers or total strangers in eating situations, it's been my experience that an amazing number of people who merely perceive themselves as thinner than I am (even if they're 60lbs overweight themselves!) will take it upon themselves to pontificate about what I should or should not do to lose weight at the slightest provocation. I love sociology, and so this intrigues me, but it is also pretty annoying.
If I should so much as be asked, "Do you want dessert?" and say, "No, thanks," I might promptly get some lecture about, "You know, it is just EATING IN MODERATION that is important" -- or whatever. I didn't say I was dieting. And of course this comes with an equal tendency for people to look at you like, if you're eating anything other than carrot sticks, "Ah! She's eating what everyone else in the restaurant is eating! No wonder she's fat!" Maybe I project some of this, but after this long I think I'm just coming to recognize it without needing to soften the blow.
Of course there's that assumption that I weigh 400lbs because I sit in front of the TV eating bon-bons or something. Would it be worth it, I sometimes wonder, to defend myself with, "I was a young, single, successful executive when suddenly I gained 200lbs in less than two years. Even with periods when I've eaten LESS and exercised the same as friends who lost 20 lbs, I've lost nothing -- obviously, this is not about calories and my whole family is this way -- gee, maybe it's "some glandular thing" as they used to say."
Then I think, naw. Who cares? Why should I feel like I need to wear a sign on my chest saying, "It's a MEDICAL condition, not a LAZY-SLOTH condition!" It's like there is some profound character flaw in anybody who is not a barbie.
The worst thing is, this nearly always happens when I am simply attempting, without any fuss at all, to be healthy or disciplined, yet they're essentially trying to GET me to EAT stuff that is BAD for me! "Just one bite." "Just a SMALL dish of ice cream, no syrup." "If you just eat XYZ..." "If you just drink a protein shake for two meals and have one balanced food meal...". What gall. I wouldn't wish my metabolism on an enemy if I had one, but I'm tempted, when something like that occurs!
Over time I have gotten a droll and black sense of irony about the situation, and have actually gotten willing to respond with comments like, "What people put in their bodies is a pretty intimate subject. Do you think you know me that well? Have you lost over 50 lbs? No? Oh, well then, thanks, but I'd rather not talk about it." This is a great improvement over the response I had for my family's comments when I gained the weight in my mid-20's, which required a central epithet.
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So my lesson in all this is that I am starting this eating plan not just with determination, but with a real Xena-like kick-ass determination to not let anybody else depress me (dad), annoy me (people who 'volunteer' what they think is good for me), truly piss me off (people who rant about 'high protein diets' or 'losing weight too fast' who have zero clue what they're talking about), in any way that might affect my self-esteem or eating.
In the end, half of any discipline is holding the self-esteem to believe you can do it. Anything that harms self-esteem is going to put a risk to a discipline. I would rather take a fed-up go-get-stuffed attitude toward outside resistance to my weight loss than suffer it silently and feel bad in any way about it. That emotional energy has to go somewhere and for once I think I want to send it outward instead of inward at myself.
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I have a small child, a five year old named Rykah. She is beautiful and wonderful and I love her beyond all reason. She so wants me to lose weight. When she entered kindergarten, she'd apparently hit the age where children suddenly had an opinion about what the Mommies looked like. She tried to tell me one night, "Oh... but... well you're not fat mommy..." and I assured her that I WAS fat, that there was no reason to deny the obvious, but that it was okay, hey, some people have light or dark hair, are tall or short, have big noses or ears, everybody's different.
I don't want to die on her. I'm 36... my mother died when I was 9 and she was 37. I don't want to abandon Ry like what happened to me. I have told her about the PPLP and why mommy is cleaning out the fridge and cupboards in prep, and she has agreed to "help mommy" with great glee. She came back in my office (I work from home) and whispered to me, "Mommy! If you got skinny... could we play? Like go swimming or skating?" I said, "Well honey, it might be a real long time, but someday... sure." And she jumped up and down squealing, "Oy, YAY!" --
I nearly cried.
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I found scales that go to 440, 500 and 1000#. Not cheap, but all digital and available online. See my post at <a href="http://bbs.eatprotein.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=10&t=000791" target="_blank">eatprotein.com [post]</a> (that link goes directly to it). I also saw someone suggest a grain elevator or local place that ships heavy boxes, might let someone stand on a scale. Two of the scales on the list on that link are actually shipping scales.
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One person said lasagna made them crave carbs. Consider you might have a food sensitivity to wheat, which is pretty common. Sometimes in that case, eating something with wheat will do far more to cause cravings (a near-allergic response actually) than eating outright candy would.
I've learned this the hard way, as apparently I am pretty sensitive to milk. I have learned that if I let myself drink too much milk, especially beginning in the morning, I have to have more. If I drink more, I need more. If I drink three glasses of milk in one day, by 2am I'm out of bed and in the refrigerator clawing for some like a junkie in withdrawals. If I simply ban all milk from my house, or buy tiny containers for Ry and don't touch it, I don't have that problem. It is definitely easier for me to avoid it altogether than to allow myself a little. Which sounds like what some were saying about carbs in general.
When something invokes it in me -- if I eat ice cream, I can't even finish it without having to go find milk and drink it, it really must be some allergy! -- I've found the best way to deal with the sudden craving is to tell myself, "Yeah, sure, I'll have some of that -- later." And then just keep saying this to myself, all the way to bedtime.
It keeps me from feeling psychologically deprived from saying "NO! You can't have it!"
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Simultaneous with my getting over some serious health problems (oxygen deprivation issues from asthma and apnea both untreated for years), and with decided I am DOING THIS -- I'm just hopping with impatience, planned to start 1/10 but may see if I can get some critical supplements by wednesday and start even though I don't have everything I want for it yet (nor a doc's appt etc.) -- at the same time, and this probably isn't coincidence, I am suddenly hacked at things I've dealt with for 12 years but never pursued before.
<ol>
<li>Why do most car mfrs NOT make sealt belt extensions and you cannot buy one 'generically'? It is AGAINST THE LAW not to wear a seat belt, but car mfrs don't have to make seat belts for large-size or extensions and there's no other real options. What is this saying? That people who are fat are illegal and deserve to die?</li>
<li>Why do super-size clothes ads (mind you, not that there are very MANY supersize clothes that are not caftans...) say things like, "52 waist" for a pair of pants or skirt? Does ANY size woman buy clothes by the waist size, when hips and thighs are wear women tend to be curvy?</li>
<li>Why do so many catalogs for sizes up to 54 have models who can stand with their FEET TOGETHER and you can still clearly see light between their thighs?! -- good grief.</li>
<li>Why are even modern "full size" cars so hard for even just somewhat overweight people to fit in? -- and this goes for tall as well -- I cannot even fathom how a large MAN, who was half my girth but say 6'2, could drive anything but a truck or van or something old.</li>
<li>Why do things like movie theatres have NO seating that is "benchlike" or without arms that large-size people could sit on? It'd be cheaper than the seats, could even be hard, could be against a back wall, but no, 55% of the population is estimated to be overweight but our culture is SO in denial it won't even admit it, let alone account for it. Why don't theatres at least have things like an open spot or two for a wheelchair?<li>
<li>Why do no scales in the regular stores go over 300#? If someone is going to say that this is uncommon, they're crazy -- I see people all over the place I know weigh that much or more, certainly far more people than use some of the niche products marketed and stocked by stores.</li>
</ol>
I could go on, but I won't.
I have never "defended myself" or any kind of 'right to be fat'. I have felt as guilty as our society seems to project. I find it so interesting that it isn't until I'm actually ready to DEAL WITH the fat that I suddenly feel pissed off about, and willing to gripe about, issues that relate to being fat.
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Since I have so much weight to lose, I think instead of coming up with arbitrary goals, I'm just going to divide it all by 100 and set myself "100 Steps to Freedom." There may be "marker points" in those 100 steps, but overall it's just an even number that breaks into reasonably small accomplishments and has a clear end. I have to find a scale, a measuring tape, a camera, and a couple supplements, and I'm on my way.
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The recipes things are awesome, but you know, with dozens of LC websites and half a dozen bbs's with huge quantities of 'em and everything as separate (sometimes) messages, the database nut in me is really exasperated. Would it be worth making a free -- I'll program and host it and the site owner(s) could link directly to it, I could even make custom 'gateway' pages that match websites that want to use it so it's like part of their site -- a web database for recipes? People could search by a primary ingredients, title, contributor, total carbs per serving (if that was included), etc. It'd take some work but they could be copy & pasted into a simple form and it would sure bring some organization to the overall low-carb webworld... it would sure save some time too. I'm just starting, and looking around, and frankly I feel pretty overwhelmed by the time it takes to go through everything, and since I'll be in induction for several eons, it usually turns out half the stuff I can't make anyway, or I really hate fish but lose a lot of time reading several hundred messages that are recipes for fish in various places... it would just be so much more convenient if the community at large had that organizational tool.
Well, I'm tired of typing now. I type about 120 so I can type a small novel just while 'having 15 minutes of thought', sorry. Thanks for that 100+ thread... there was a lot of great stuff there.
Best regards,
PJ
100+ lbs ... and more
PJ
). When explained to that way, she apologised, and has stopped trying to take the remaining three pictures.
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