Maureen Kilar: Do not hold my buns!

By Maureen Kilar, correspondent, February 8, 2004

http://www.tcpalm.com/tcp/living/ar...2632009,00.html

I wasn't especially happy when they took the fat out of cheese, and there was no real joy in life after they took the sugar out of Jell-O.

But now they've gone too far.

I want my buns back!

Always on one diet or another, I recently thought I'd try a low carb lunch and see if it worked. I was at a fast food restaurant and ordered a double cheeseburger, the Atkins way.

The young man touched the register button for double cheeseburger and bellowed, "Hold her bun!"

"Excuse me," I said to my order taker. "How many carbs does that pickle on the burger have?" He didn't know. I guess I was the first serious dieter he'd ever waited on.

I took my bunless, pickleless burger to a table and began to lunch and lose. I picked up the double burger with my hands and took a little bite. Something was missing. Buns are there for more than the rounded aesthetics; they are the hamburger handles.

I returned to the counter for some utensils to tackle this new way of eating. I tried cutting the burger into itsy bitsy pieces so I would think I had more to eat, but that old trick didn't fool me. In no time at all there was nothing more to eat. As I came to realize, buns don't just take up space, they also take up lots of time.

Without the bun, it's amazing how much cheese gets wasted sticking to the wrapper of a double cheeseburger. I scraped off what I could with the little plastic knife and fork but it stuck like tar on a bumper. They should make those wrappers stronger now that customers with no buns have to sit there and scrape the delicious melted cheese off with their teeth.

Non-dieters with their big fat buns were sitting around me watching me suck on a burger wrapper, so I said by way of a general announcement, "Waste not."

As I sat there with nothing to eat, my thoughts wandered to the Earl of Sandwich, the genius who invented slapping ham and cheese between two pieces of freshly baked, soft bread. Were he alive today, the Earl would file a class action lawsuit against Dr. Atkins estate.

I am not sure what killed the Earl, but Dr. Atkins came to his untimely demise after slipping on an icy step. There are no forensics to back me up on this, but I believe the accident was diet related. If he had followed the Earl's wise example instead of going off half-cocked and reinventing the sandwich, he would have stayed home that day, enjoyed a proper lunch and not have been in that weakened state when he fell. Just my opinion, but I don't want to be quoted.

I know Atkins is the rage and people from every walk of life are leaving their buns behind, but I am not so sure about this low-carb craze long-term. I watched a woman in a restaurant the other night moving filet mignon around on her dinner plate. She never took a bite. Then without warning, she lunged clear across the table to snarf up the crouton that had fallen off her husband's salad.

There are plenty of things besides burgers and ham and cheese sandwiches that will be impacted if this thing continues. We're tampering with the food chain here. What happens to peanut butter and jelly? And what was the doctor thinking when he chucked the roll from the all-American hot dog? Where does he expect us to put our relish and sauerkraut?

Clearly, there will be some major changes in the way we live, eat and do business. The International House of Pancakes can close up shop. It will be a sad day when we say good-bye to some old standbys like the ice cream cone and Corn Flakes. Just makes you wonder what Krispy Kreme will be selling when the Hot light is on.

As I picked up my wrapper to leave, I was ever thankful I hadn't stopped for lunch at Pizza Hut.

Maureen Kilar can be reached via e-mail at (MO8723~aol.com)

What is wrong with these people? They are not being forced to eat a bunless burger, they are not being forced to give up their Crispy Kremes. It is all about personal choices, and the more options available the more ability we have to live life as we see fit. If this author prefers her buns, so be it I will not judge; however, I would like the same consideration and respect from her. I am tiring of the Anti-atkins movement. It is a well informed decision I made. The life and health at stake is mine. Eat your buns and leave me alone. Your poor attempt at humour is tiring, and your condescending tone is insulting.

Actually I kind of thought the article was funny. But I wonder, is the woman overweight???

I think it's great that lc stuff in groceries and restaurants is on the rise, but I know better than to ever think krispy kremes will ever disappear.

Maybe I'm being grouchy, but I find this kind of journalism (fluffy editorials) really pointless. I can't believe they're being paid to write this kind of stuff. I can think of many, many excellent writers who write better than that in online journals (even here on the forum), and they don't get paid for it. Is that just the way it is at newspapers? Sometimes you really have to fish for something to write about?

I was slightly put off by the implication that diet impacted Atkins death... Could be I am just a little touchy... lack of carbs thing you know...

I'm with Cori. I thought the article was hilarious. There's no reason to get all prickly, just because some people want bread. The author is a writer, and a funny one, discussing a current topic. At least she tried it.

We all have to live together. Let's keep our sense of humour.

Kay

Clearly. Saying he would have stayed home that day does not implicate his diet in his accident. It's a JOKE, people.

Kay

Hmmm, wonder if Mrs Atkins finds this funny...
Of course she didn't want to be quoted... kind of like a mayor we know.

Like I said before, its all about choices... You choose to find it amusing... I don't. No big deal either way.

I know that this was meant to be humorous. At least I sincerely hope that she doesn't really believe that an "Atkins lunch" is nothing but a double cheeseburger. Where's the veggies, lady????

The picture of someone lunging for a crouton is pretty hilarious!

I used to LOVE croutons. I'd practically have a loaf of bread in croutons on top of my salad. I don't even miss them now!

Well, I don't find it offensive or anything, even remotely..

But I don't find it very funny either. I'm with Kristine on the fluffy editorials remark - but I mean, this one doesn't even have an ANGLE or ORIGINALITY. It's sooo 'so you know ppl have buns without the burger now! crazy!'.

Lolzors, mb99! Let's B off in teh bunmobile and save teh day four tehse poor lsot souls!!!11

The moment I read the pickle comment I lost all chance of respecting that woman. Pickles (dill, anyway) are low in almost EVERYTHING (besides sodium, say), and the fraction of a carb (okay, so maybe it was a big pickle, so a carb and a half at most) the pickle provided is nothing to get one's back up about. Really. You'd think that someone who purports to know about food--at least enough to write an article/editorial about it--would know a thing or two about pickles.

I hold the onions on my burgers, but mostly because I hate onions, not because they add a couple of carbs.

Gosh, folks, lighten up! This isn't religion or politics, though diet is now on my list of subjects not to bring up in light, friendly conversation.

I thought it was a very funny article. I think we have all been so conditioned to thoughtless, sometimes vicious attacks on this WOE for so long that we bristle at the slightest thing said about it. I think it's kind of nice to get to the point that someone can poke gentle fun at the new trend in eating.