I agree completely. I don't feel being supportive is being overboard PC. And your right to swing does end before the other person's nose!
I was in an emotionally abusive marrige and I grew up in a family that defies description. I refuse to allow that to change the potential for happiness in my life today. I will not allow the past to cloud my future.
I have been through plenty, but I can only control my reaction to TODAY.
My point is coming... hang on...
I have put so much effort into finding joy, I refuse to let some nameless faceless person on the internet affect my state of mind. I seek out friends who are kind and loving, and there are many. But my happiness is worth every effort!!!
Above all... remember how important YOUR happiness is to your son, and to closing each day knowing you have wrung every drop of happiness out of it!
Hang in there... smiles are sent your way.

Hey guys.
I'm trying to stay away from posting right now to focus on getting my sh%t together to lose weight, but I must add this. A lot of people bully here because this isn't "real life", but I know this, there are "real feelings" involved. I'm far from a "bunny hugger", but I do have a soft heart. In person, I can either be your friend, or very difficult to deal with if you get on my bad side. The only reason I get into these debates is because I still believe in "picking on somebody your own size", here or in "real life". Its easy to bash somebody who's down, so why don't you try this one for size and see if you can handle a real challenge? And I'm the same way in "real life", I just have to choose my words carefully here. I don't think I could be so civil in "real life" if I saw someone being bashed. Anyways, I don't know if that makes sense to ya'll, its just funny to me people assuming I'm a bunny hugger because I'm sticking up for things I believe in. If only they knew

Oh, I can be a real bi*** when I really get backed in a corner, but I think it's all my "people pleaser" crap coming out, too. I still have trouble with telling people "no" and/or telling them to knock it off and STFU. They might not LIKE me... (Yeah, I know there are plenty of people that DON'T, but... )I just have to figure out what it is that makes me feel like I have to try to be some sort of rescuer. Maybe it's my hyperactive maternal instinct or something, but I hate it when I feel someone's getting picked on. Maybe it's because I got picked on so much myself?

<shrug>

Its called a kind heart sweetie, its called compassion. It hurts you to see someone else hurt. Thats not a bad thing, its a good thing. Its called empathy and its one of the main things I've taught my daughters, and I'm soooo proud when I see it in action. If only there was more of it in the world

I have a mean streak as wide as my ass, but only when provoked

Empathy is a very good quality to cultivate... I just get so that I start putting other people's feelings and problems ahead of my own, which isn't so good.

Compassion is a gift. But you shouldn't feel you need to please other people at your expense. Those are two very different things.
You feel genuine compassion for others when you see them getting hurt, that is a good quality, and should never be apologized for.
At all costs, you should please yourself. If it offends someone then they have crossed your line. I tend to be a people pleaser, and it is something that cost me 20 years of life in two bad marriages. Now, at 44... I understand what I did wrong.
Kind of sad to waste so much time, but here I am! LOL
I will sound like a broken record again... Take care of YOURSELF.
You are your best advocate!

Sometimes I don't even know where my lines ARE until someone does something awful. I've forgiven SO much and overlooked even more in the name of getting along, that my own lines are blurry.

I've forgiven all manner of bad behavior from others, but yet I hate myself for eating a candy bar.

You women are amazing. I'm really enjoying this thread.

And there was something I didn't address, and that was because I was feeling so awkward, and awful about it, that I didn't know what to say.

Red - I'm so sorry about your daughter, and I'm sorry if I made it seem like there aren't that many bad days. I really put my foot in my mouth there, and jumped in with a comment before knowing where people are coming from. I was more thinking about the day-to-day stresses, and how I didn't want to let my own bad days rule the not so bad days, and because I didn't think of where other people might be coming from - I probably came across as rather flippant or something. I'm sorry.

With regard to the rest of the thread, and all the interesting turns it's taking, I'm enjoying reading and posting here.

Now we're onto boundaries, and people-pleasing.

Know what's funny? I'm so good at being quiet, being 'nice' and so on for long periods of time, and sometimes I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Go ahead, bully me, be rude to me, take advantage..just go ahead".

And yet - like Sublime and Potatofree have said - I can get very upset when I've had enough.

The funny part?

People are so stunned. So darned surprised...taken aback.

"What do you mean?" "You're being really selfish all of a sudden" and whatnot.

Not sure if any of you have ever read a book called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, but in it, she describes a phenomenon where people will do anything to get you to 'change back' if you step outside the 'system' (or comfort zone or 'how things were').

I'd really like to become more outspoken sooner, so that there aren't so many shocks when I finally do say something, or worse - do something (like walk out or whatever). I'd like to become the sort of person someone wouldn't dream of stepping on so much.

I've often heard the idea..."You teach people how to treat you" and I must admit, I hate hearing that!

I wonder if it's true?

Gah...

Where's my 'spinning brain icon' when I need it?

Oh, I think it IS true. It doesn't mean it's our own fault that people walk on us, since it's not about blame, but that it's a lot of people's natural tendency to take advantage if it's allowed. It doesn't have to be getting walked on until you finally SNAP and bark like I've been known to do, to me it's about learning how to establish boundaries early on, gently. Like if you do a favor like giving a friend a ride to the store, then they call and ask again...and before you know it, you're going out of your way and becoming their personal taxi when you have things of your OWN to do... but you can't RUDE and say "I can't do that today, I have plans." and if you DO say it, they come back with "What plans?" and you feel compelled to explain yourself instead of just saying again "I'm sorry, but I really can't do that."

Doing something nice for someone should be a gift, not a chore. I tend to make myself responsible for other people wayyyyyy too much.

Yes, exactly Potato.

So where can I order this magical early boundary establishment contraption?

Maybe it's all about being more present in the moment, and checking in with ourselves, "Do I really want to do this?" or "Is this ok with me?"

Changing behaviour and response is ...not so easy is it? Like I said, old behaviours (for me) are entrenched, almost automatic.

Talking about it in here helps a lot though, and getting back to the original idea, I *still* believe that it's important to forgive ourselves for the way we handled, or didn't handle a particular situation. I mean, we did the very best we could at the time, given the circumstances...right? Plus, we don't want to allow those things to become so huge in our minds that we end up hating ourselves, and therefore less likely to be able to make changes.

There's been some talk about compassion, and I am starting to realize that compassion doesn't work unless it includes ourselves. And I can't help but wonder if people can somehow see that. I mean...can people tell that when we're offering compassion to others, that it's not as real as it would be if we were more compassionate to ourselves? And getting back to that business of whether or not 'we teach people how to treat us' - then, compassion (ie. forgiveness for our 'mistakes') for ourselves is paramount, is it not?

Here's a quote I'm liking lately:



What a wonderful discussion this has been. I'll be interested to see where it goes next.

Talk to you soon,

Sara

Citrus... No offense was taken! I understand that I am in a unique position, and I don't think you were being flippant.
It is hard to explain, but yes every day is potentially a bad day. I decided that every day is potentially a great day. And it is up to me to decide. But I have to keep my guard up.
I used to be so passive and permissive. And I am a people pleaser, but I have learned to express myself more in the given situation, so things don't mount up. I used to let things slide, then a litte more heaped on me, then more... then I would LOSE it going off on the poor soul who was unfortunate enough to be my "last straw".
We are certainly works in progress!!! It is interesting to see how lifes ups and downs give us choices and options. It is frightening and fun.
My perception of my loss, is that God was gracious enough to give me an amazing family, and my DH is unreal. I know he is my knight in shining armor!!

I don't want to neglect this discussion.

Right now, I'm helping my daughter find a new place and deal with her break-up from an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I've made some bad food choices while sitting and being her shoulder, so I need to STOP THAT and be supportive while crocheting or something.

I will say I never sleep ANY better than when I have BOTH of my kids under my roof, so that's a plus.

The idea that if we expect nothing we dont get dissapointed, comes from Budhism. I think it is fabulous. HOWEVER...if we expect nothing, we dont get that joy either.

Ok...next thought: How do you go from a "slip" you know...a bite of toast...to a full out BINGE. How do you stop yourself from saying " well I had that bite of toast, so now I just might as well keep going and have a binge fest and just keep eating!!" HOW DO YOU PREVENT A SLIP FROM BECOMING A TOTAL BINGE?