Potato, I am free in a sense. Feel lighter but with a heavy heart. These two issues are separate and yet very connected. I don't want the implants to please anyone else, per se and still they will - I understand that someone else besides me will enjoy them I WANT someone else to enjoy them.

I see the the looks pretty girls get, I see the attention they get and I'm stupid enough to be envious of the looks. I feel like a troll, a toad next to them. I see them at the gym and can't help but wonder what it's like to be them? And yeah I know that there will always be someone prettier, sexier, slimmer, smarter, etc. to feel inferior to..... where does it end?

I realise this sounds stupid and shallow. But don't we all desire to be loved and admired? Or maybe this is simply a simple woman's wish?

This boy, is merely that. A boy. He's a musician which explains his insecurity and his own wish to be worshipped and desired. He definitely has plenty of options, and a willingness to explore them to the fullest. I like this boy, but I doubt that he can be what I want or need him to be. Sometimes it's more about wanting to be liked, than it is who is doing the actual liking. He is the first guy I've ever been interested in, that expressed a mutual interest. I'll miss that.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It means alot to me to have somewhere to vent how I feel. My other friends don't understand where I'm coming from being that they all have boobs and I don't, and often they come from a good place - "Oh, you're too good for him," or the "He doesn't deserve you,"s that end up making you feel worse than when you started. I know that's not true.

I can fake a good mood with the best of them. If life were an acting class, I'd be Meryl Streep with 32 Oscars. But it's an empty and hollow victory at best. The mask we wear so well, reveals nothing of who we truly are or want to be.

Right-io Daddio, thanks for the suggestions. One of my yoga instructors teaches a belly dancing class before our yoga session on Sunday afternoons. Not for me though. I've seen what they do and it's too complicated for me and pole dancing seems useless and skanky for my tastes. And I couldn't be further from skank if I tried. Maybe that's part of my problem.

Vgal, I just read the whole thread. I can totally empathise. Australia is like one big California, and I happen to live in a very popular tourist town, so it's worse. I do really well at school, I dress conservatively and I don't sleep around. Hence I'm almost 17 and have never had a boyfriend, or anything close. The one boy I had a crush on for a year was JUST like your musician. He would call me and talk and flirt all the time, and it would totally confuse me and I ended up really hurt.He didn't care about me, just wanted to make himself feel better.
In our town, at my age I don't know one boy who doesn't see women as a piece of meat, and it makes me really sad because 1)I don't have a chance, and 2) even if I did, I wouldn't want to be around any of these idiots who want nothing but a body to have sex with. Maybe they'll mature eventually into good men but right now.... ugh.
And it's also really hard when your skinny/big chested best friends are all having relationships, and though they are great friends it is hard not to get jealous and even more lonely. I start to think: "What is WRONG WITH ME??!!!"
My conclusion is that I'm not going to let these immature boys define me or how I see me (though I cried many many many times, including this morning over it), and I'm going to hold out for that right person who loves me for me, as heaps of other posters on this thread has described. It sure does get lonely waiting though!

I don't have an opinion about the implants - I just hope you find your love for yourself and someone who will love you for YOU and not what you do or don't look like.
So yeah. Just adding my vent to let you know you aren't alone. Wonderful thread.

Elizabeth,

Thank you sweetie! You are a wise young woman, so much smarter than me that's for sure. Keep on maturing, and hopefully one day those boys will catch up! At least that's what I keep telling myself

I think it's difficult to keep telling yourself "There's nothing wrong with me" when there exist forces in the world that would disagree. Plastic surgeons testifying before Congress that small breasts are a "deformity". Unslightly? Yes. Freaky or bizarre? Maybe. Ugly? Absolutely. But a deformity? Well.... that's where I think I draw the line.

I think we like to make it out to be much bigger (no pun intended) than what it is. I could be alot worse. I could be deformed or crippled or not able to function on a normal, daily basis.

This has been on my mind for a LONG time, I think that's obvious and has been troubling me more persistently recently. Last nite, I came home from the gym and as tired as I was I turned on the tube. Got hooked on an episode of Tyra. Yes, the worst possible talk show of all time. Her topic of discussion? Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong!!!!! Cue, dramatic music.

You know damn well I HAD to stay up and watch even though it was midnite and I had to be up at 530am. Tyra is the worst host of all time, but the topic was something close to my heart. Needless to say, the first guest was a breast implant gone horribly wrong. Now, of course they NEVER once say who or where she went to get her surgery, although the unstated implication was the patient made the wrong choice in selecting her UNQUALIFIED plastic surgeon. It was almost laughable. This woman picked someone more than likely not certified and not qualified to perform this type of surgery and we're supposed to feel sorry for her? ONE out of about 1000 patients experience the type of HORROR she did. It was awful, horrific. If she had gone to someone who knew what they were doing, she could have avoided the whole drama.

Or could she? I felt terrible for her. 15 surgeries to correct the problem and she still wasn't free. Terrible infections, upon infections, etc. I think it could have been avoided, and yet who knows? Right? I mean, anyone could still have terrible reactions to the implants. It's a foreign object you're inserting into your body.

I worry for my cousin now. When you see the afteraffects of surgeries gone wrong, specifically cosmetic ones, you begin to question what you're doing. I could be the ONE out of 1000 who experiences disfigurement, chronic physical pain, loss of breast tissue, numbness, etc........Although it's tough to imagine, I could be WORSE than I am now. I think I'm more depressed than when I started.

I would simply walk behind them and bend over and start talking to their butt - and when they ask what you were doing, tell them that you couldn't tell the difference between their ass and their face.

My response to that is, how we let dare anyone, especially men who PROFIT from women's self image problems, tell us what is beautiful and what isn't, what is a deformity and what is normal. Ugh it makes me so mad, all they want is to make people like you and me feel exactly like what they said - deformed - so we'll come running to their office for implants. No thanks for me!!

It is in our control to feel good about ourselves or not, NOT in the control of tyra banks, or plastic surgeons, or immature boys or ANYONE ELSE.

I hope you aren't still depressed.

IMHO

Elizabeth, you are a strong woman indeed! Fear for the man who dares to cross you! :lol

I feel the same way and yet.... still feel badly about my own body and its' shortcomings and defects. Watching the Tyra show didn't convince me 100% not to have the surgery. It made me reassess what I wanted, but it doesn't change the way I feel about my body and how much I want to look like a woman. I grow my hair long and my nails long in an effort to look feminine, what's wrong with wanting the rest of the package that isn't "glamour" or illusion?

There is NOTHING wrong with you or what you want for yourself. If you keep working on the inside, but eventually decide you still want the surgery, it's your choice. Yours alone.

You're obviously intelligent enough to weigh the pros and cons, and you know implants aren't going to make all your problems go away.

I see a lot of women who look wonderful, who happen to be flat as a board. I've seen a lot of women get implants who had a lot of trouble. I've ALSO seen women who got very natural-looking implants and loved being able to shop for clothes for the first time ever. I personally know two women who had breast reductions who felt "normal" for the first time ever...

Looooong story short... you do what you think is best when the time is right. It's what I would tell my own daughter.

I'm scared of the risks, I'm scared of the potential damage they could do. I'm scared of pain. Ironically I'm not afraid of dying. I know alot of people won't have surgery because they fear death, I am not one of those people.

I know getting the implants isn't going to "cure" me. I still have a whole shopping list of other areas I want to get work done, but the implants have been and will be #1 on the list. The area I can't change on my own.

Without a padded bra on, I'm as flat as a board, can't imagine thinking that looks wonderful.....but to each their own. I think it looks freaky.

My mother makes comments about actresses or women on TV "Oh poor, thing she has no boobs." I wonder if she ever looked at me and thought the same? It really bugs me.

I guess the time will be right when either I get the courage to live my life or meet someone I feel is worth the effort. Right now, I'm single and not looking to "date" anyone, so I can keep hiding. But how long can I use my being fat or flat as an excuse? And even more, how long will I WANT to?

Hey Vgal,

I feel soo sad reading your posts you sound so unhappy. There are a few things that concern me. The "boob issue" is only the first. For example sake let's say you got a breast augmentation, you admitted that there is a "shopping bag's worth" of more things you aren't happy with. First it's the boobs, then the nose, then some lipo.....where does it stop. You sound like a super sensitive girl and very intelligent, so it sounds to me like this is more of a self-esteem issue. The boy you like in all likelihood won't be more interested in you with a full chest. I havn't dated loads, but I've talked to lots of guys and one of the most sexy qualities believe it or not(to them) is confidence. If a girl projects a sexy self image that is how men will often see her too. The girl who refers to her parts as freaky, bizarre, and ugly can't project confidence. I feel like a consultation with someone to work on self-esteem issues would be very beneficial. When you are comfortable in your skin then make the decision.

Just as a FWI, my brother's girlfriend got them. She doesn't look more confident. Her breasts look bolted on, and these were the kind placed under the muscle. They were very painful and honestly they look like nothing more than an accessory, like a hair tye or make-up.

I hope I don't sound like a great big biotch I too am not blessed with alot up front, and I can tell you that after breast feeding two kids, and losing a load of weight, my boobs look more like pudding skins than breasts. It just makes me so sad that women feel the need to change something so trivial. Don't get me wrong, I would enjoy a lift, just so they don't hang out below my bra I would like to restore them to their former glory is all. Please consider the underlying reasons for this procedure and be really honest with yourself. I just worry that after the breast augmentation you will be back...depressed and talking about a new procedure.Just a Mom's two cents here

Take Care Vgal, I worry for you and hope you find the beautiful person I know you to be without ever having seen you.

Take Care
Leanna

P.S. About your family...be as blunt as possible....start by saying "I know you don't mean to hurt me by saying that...but it does...please stop" Inevitably families are the worst to their own flesh and blood. Heal your own self-image and those insecure comments of theirs will roll off. From experience, people that say those kinds of things usually feel terribly insecure about themselves. Take their rude comments as compliments. You must look really good since they feel the need to beat you down to make themselves feel better

Is it possible you only think your flat chest looks bad because teh females in your family are so obsessed? Geez, the old aunt, and even your MOM? Are they flat-chested themselves?

Even if she never insulted YOU about it, your Mom's attitude is sure to have registered in your subconscious.

Leanna,

Wow. Thanks. You definitely don't sound like a beotch, just a mom. A NICE, caring mom. You're right about the "what next" type of mindset. Plastic surgery is like tatoos, once you get one you want more. What else can I do?, etc.

I think you may be right about this boy. He has come on to me when I'm not all glammed up and prefers me more natural with nappy hair and little makeup. Who can tell what goes on in men's minds? He likes me to verbally spar with him, and I challenge him. I'm bold like that, confident in my intelligence and little else.

BTW, I'm seeing him tomorrow nite at a party. I may finally have the courage to say "What's up with us?" and jump his bones! Wish me luck.

As far as the rest of it goes, yeah I would assume that someone who refers to themselves in such a negative fashion wouldn't attract a load of admirers.... but what can I do? I have been in therapy but it didn't seem to accomplish anything. Words are only words, actions are needed - and how long can you sit and talk about STUFF?

Maybe because I am uncomfortable in my skin, that I'm indecisive about the decision. This could explain my hesitation about pretty much everything. Thanks for adding that insight.

Your brother's GF's breasts sound awful and that's what I fear the most - the "bolt ons". I want my boobs to look natural and I know that some women get them, but since I have nothing to start with, I'm told that might not be possible. Little to no breast tissue creates the bolt ons.

This isn't going away anytime soon and that depresses me also.

Regarding my family, I'm still dreading the first family function that Marcy will be at and I will be made aware of my hopelessly inadequate body..... but I've gotten some good suggestions from posters here and I might be able to stop them before they start. You'd think after all these years, I'd be used to the insults by now?

My mom is STACKED. My aunt isn't particularly well endowed, but she's got some. My cousin Michelle is a C/D and her mom is also pretty busty.

Hey there,

Sometimes the therapy is all about the therapist. I don't know many women who don't have self-esteem issues. A good doctor should be able to get to the root of the problem and give you some coping strategies and ways to help build you back up. BTW you should never have to get used to insults at the hand of the ones you love. I also applaud you on asking this guy to affirm feelings or not. You are not his personal ego pump. If you are interested say so...if he isn't....welll...he's not worth you or your time.

As for Marcy, remember that her self esteem issues are pretty much the same. You may be jealous of her new assets, but I bet that all her insecurities never disappeared with a new chest. I have nothing against self-improvement. I just believe that you should be comfortable with who you are first. I think you should try to find a positive thing about yourself daily both physically and mentally (it won't be hard). Don't allow yourself to berrate yourself since you don't want other people to do the same right? I'll start...you are smart, sensitive and my god woman you have lost almost sixty pounds. You should be so proud Don't let people knock you down, but be aware those comments arise from insecurities. Like it or not these are the bodies we've been given. Let's appreciate and improve upon rather than add frankenstein parts. As your outlook changes so will the way other people see you.

Take Care Chickie
Leanna

Leanna,

I liked my last therapist and felt very comfortable with him. I was candid and honest with him in a way I've never been, but like I said I didn't feel it was all that helpful in terms of sitting around and talking about problems doesn't really solve anything. I can sit around and talk about sh*t and analyse it till the cows come home and it doesn't accomplish anything - change, resolution, etc.

I haven't spoken to Marcy since the surgery, but I will call to check up on her today. I feel like a terrible person for allowing my own jealousy and insecurity interfere with my concern for her health and well being. I need to put those feelings aside.

UPDATE about the boy. He showed up at my friend's party last nite. Christina was having a house warming party and I was playing co-hostess since she's been having back problems. I was in the kitchen preparing food, making sure everyone had drinks, etc. He was there early and got to see me in full on Suzy Homemaker mode. We talked for a bit, he asked me about work/school, etc. We talked about his latest project, small talk. It was all fine and dandy. We kissed, we hugged hello sort of when he walked in. I my hands full of something edible that I was putting on a tray, so I couldn't do it but he did and wrapped his arms around me anyway. He made the effort, that must mean something, right?

Oh, what a fool believes!! We, women love to read too much into small, little things.

When he was leaving, I decided to be bolder and more confident than usual and ask him what the deal was with us. We were in an open space, but we were close together and no one was around. He said, "Not tonite." And I laughed, "Yeah add it to the long list of excuses, blah, blah."

We laughed and hugged for a bit and he held me to his legs, "Feel that?" he asked. His crotch/pocket was vibrating. I laughed, "That's the most action I've gotten from you ever!" and I made another comment about us. I was buzzed from several drinks, to the effect of, "We need to do this while I'm still young or we're never going to hook up." And he said, "And yet you're still entertaining the idea that it's going to happen."

I nearly swallowed my tongue. Thank god for my quick wit, because I replied, "More like ENTERTAINED, dear." But seriously my heart stopped and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

What could I say? I felt like such a fool! All this time, it's all been a joke. The months of flirting, etc. Apparently it's all been this thing inside MY head. He was never really interested in me, it's all been a game. It was all a lie.

I said goodbye to a few other guests leaving and he and I didn't kiss and hug again like we always do. He said, I think almost bitingly, "Well have a good time." And I smiled, "I always do."

I cleaned up Christina's place, took out the trash, etc. and tidied up a bit and about 45 minutes later I left. I had to be at work at 7am this morning, so I had planned to leave about midnite. It took every effort not to cry as I was cleaning up.

I made it to my car before I burst into tears. As I drove home I kept thinking, what did I do wrong? I felt like Cher in "Clueless" - "Did I step into some bad lighting?" I replayed the past year since he first came on to me..... I was too aggressive, not aggressive enough, I was too opinated, too smart, too mouthy, too talkative, not thin enough, not pretty enough, etc.....

I don't know. Everytime I would think I was over him, this little THING whatever I THOUGHT it was, he would lure me back in, but this? This was the final breaking point. He could have hit me over the head with a baseball bat to make it more clear. I think he was as kind as he could be about letting me down. What else could he do? Get this bitch off my jock!

So that was my Saturday nite and now I'm at work for a few hours bright and early Sunday morning. Hope you all had a better weekend than me!

You're not alone!
That boy I used to like (who was just like your musician) did almost the same thing.
From what you've said and I've experienced I don't think it was in your head (or my head). I think they just like to use that flirting to prove they can have anyone they want, and don't care after that. It's such a terrible thing to do - manipulate and decieve someone into thinking you like them and want to be with them, then tell them you never cared and that it's all their imagination. Bull$#%! Not only does it make the other person feel bad, it makes them feel as if they were a little crazy - did I make it up? Am I just THAT desperate?
It's a mainupulative, selfish thing to do.

Hugs to you Vgal!!!