Debatable.

And most restaurants aren't requiring overweight people to sit in a special "Fatties Section" where other patrons won't be put off their food by looking at us adding to our adipose. Nor is our "addiction" taxed for our sins the way tobacco is -- and a damn good thing for us low-carbers, too, as the nutritional establishment would probably want to give "healthful" low-fat products a big tax break and make us pay big time for our steaks and cream.
Have you ever seen Nick Nolte mentioned in Jay Leno's monologue since his (Nolte's) drunk driving arrest last year? Leno has milked Nolte's mug shot at least as much as he's mentioned Monica Lewinsky.

I think if there's an organizing principle, it's that if one's self-destructive behavior makes one less attractive, the "comedians" come out of their kennels. Robert Downey Jr. might have drug problems, but he still looks pretty good -- Nick Nolte looked like crap. Result: Downey gets a pass, Nolte gets ridiculed. Smokers look pretty good (until they start coughing up chunks of lung in a hospital), but overweight people look less attractive. Result: "Yo' mama is so fat, when she sits around the house -- she sits AROUND THE HOUSE!"

Whether it's "all right" or not, people who injure themselves in stupid ways get ridiculed too. See http://www.darwinawards.com or maybe http://www.fark.com (just for starters). The Germans even have a name for it: schadenfreude -- "Would that English were so honest!"

Even if we are held responsible out of proportion to the harm we do, so what? Would it really make it easier for us to lose weight if comedians stopped making fun of us?

Just to add a bit of fuel to the fire here --
Take a look at the first letter in Dan Savage's column from June 18-24 2003
http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0325/savage.php
(site may not be suitable for work)

Myself, I agree with Dan.

This whole thing is just so horrible to watch. To have all this displayed on a website is so hurtful and tasteless.

I feel sorry for Andy, he's obvuiously married to the wrong woman if the only thing that turns him on is her body. Does he not find her face, her movements, her energy etc. sexy? Chemistry is not reliant on body size, it's either there or it's not. 30lbs shouldn't effect chemistry that much, not like she's gained 100lbs!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me theres a lot more problems with this marriage than poor "Candy's" weight issues.

D'know if this is even real though, I mean who's called Candy and Andy?

Whether he is concerned for her health or not, he doesn't SAY so. He is acting like a jerk, and it's jerky to open up this kind of discussion online.
What if he was losing his hair? Would it be a "get a toupee or I'm divorcing you" thing?
Perhaps they deserve each other.

wow! Now, aint this the truth? I had a drinking/drug problem for years, but very few people saw the need call me on it. I have also struggled with my weight since I was about 9 years old and I could fill a book with all the things that people (friends, relatives, STRANGERS) have said--ridiculing, shaming and blaming me for my condition.

I have ceased the drinking/drugging--no one seems to notice much or care (which is fine with me), but I've also lost about 20 pounds and the amount of praise that I have recieved is staggering!

What is wrong with this picture? In my mind, my drinking/drugging had much more serious ramifications to my health than 40 extra pounds (not that that is healthy either) and yet the substance abuse is not seen as cause for ridicule. But just try being 40 pounds overweight and everyone and thier brother takes the opportunity to cut you down and tell you how to live! Including people who are heavy themselves. It's amazing!

wait a second.....so alcoholics (people who are drinking themselves to death) have more "going on" than severly obese folks (people who are eating themselves to death)?

They are two different means to a very destructive end. Why does one group deserve special treatment and more respect than the other?

I don't think eating too much is that different from drinking too much, gambling too much, even drugging too much. (Who has had a tooth out, bone surgery, or similar need for drugs? They aren't bad, they can just be used for bad purposes.)

I know I always blamed myself for my weight problems. Part of it was my fault, since I had a problem with emotional eating. But part of it was also the carb cycle, making me always hungry.

Any addiction has two components like this: the emotional side and the physical side. Gamblers can get hooked on the adrenalin rush of their large bets. Because we have emotional and physical sides which interact, all addictions have these two sides.

The way society regards various addictions is always subject to change. Right now, with the physical problems with carbs not recognized, overweight is seen as something entirely within someone's control, while drinking is seen as something totally out of someone's control. The truth for both is somewhere in between.

Society thinks it's entirely okay to have an intervention with a drug addict, "You must get help!" Etc. Does anyone do that for someone with a weight problem? It's interesting.

Given the number of people who pointed out my weight to me, compared to the scant few who acknowledged my ex's alcoholism you'd almost swear they don't think you KNOW you're fat!

"Man, you've really put on the weight.."

Me: "OMIGOD! Thank you SO much for pointing that out to me! I never would have REALIZED that without you telling me... To think, the tighter, plus-sized clothes, breathing heavy after exertion of any kind, my doctor telling me my health is at risk..not being able to fit in the chair with ARMS in his waiting room...the Slim-Fast, the Weight Watchers...crying myself to sleep....none of that was a clue until YOU called me fat and snapped me to my senses! Thank you SO much!"

<ahem>

Nope. We get to sit with everyone else and have total strangers feel free to comment on what we order and how much of it (loud enough for us to hear, of course) and our friends/family get to share in the embarassment with us.



Which validates my earlier point that only the thin and beautiful are "worthy" of validation in our society no matter how destructive their behavior is.



There's a big difference between laughing at someone who is stupid enough to put a cup of hot coffee between her legs, get burned and then bring a lawsuit against the restaurant who sold her the coffee for not warning her (in writing, no less), that the coffee was served hot. I doubt too many people would find it acceptable behavior to go down to the local closed head injury or spinal cord injury clinic and mock the patients because they got they way due to their own carelessness (careless/impaired driving, extreme sports, etc...) and yet it's perfectly acceptable to mock someone who is overweight "because we did it to ourselves"? Besides...those with disabilities (self-inflicted or otherwise) are protected from discrimination by the Americans With Disabilities act...those that are overweight are not.



The question isn't whether or not it would make it easier to lose weight if people stopped mocking us, although obviously it doesn't do much good or there would be a lot less fat people walking around and for those that have an emotional component to their overeating, it only contributes to the problem. The question is why should we have to wait until we get thin or BE thin to be treated with dignity and respect.



I don't care what their opinion is as long as they keep it to themselves. I do care when that opinion becomes action in the form of verbal abuse or discrimination.



Nope. They wouldn't likely say it to your face. Just behind your back while they're hiring someone else who is thinner and better looking for the position saying something like, "Well...we had a candidate who was more qualified, but he doesn't project the type of image we'd like to represent our company..."

While all these posts are really interesting conversation, I guess, to go back on subject...

It doesn't make you a bad person to admit that your spouse's weight gain makes them less sexually attractive to you. That being said, a marriage shouldn't be contingent on your partner's size, since, presumably, you married for deeper reasons than physical appearance. Trying to bully or humiliate your spouse into changing is poor form, to say the least!

Should we lose weight to please our spouse? My knee-jerk reaction would be "NO"... only to make ourselves healthy and happy. Go a little deeper, though, and in the context of a loving relationship, I'd have to say "it depends"...

That may seem like a wishy-washy answer, but I quit smoking more out of love for my children than my own reasons. I love them enough to want to spare them the pain of losing another parent when I could do something to prevent it. In a way, I'm losing weight and gaining health more for them than myself... although it didn't happen until I was ready... no amount of ridicule would have made it happen any faster.

What it all boils down to for me is the spirit of the whole thing. He comes off as a shallow jerk.

When you were at or near your maximum weight, would you have been willing to allow your husband to have sex with someone in shape, as long as he promised to not fall in love with her, but only be attracted to her on the physical level? After all, marriage is about more important things than shallow, superficial physical attraction, right?

I agree. Unless nothing else works, that is -- then bring on the bullying or humiliation. Or bail, and find someone who will take care of him/herself, someone more to your liking, and let the ex look for someone who doesn't care what her/his spouse looks like. But I think if you care enough about someone to marry them in the first place, you ought to care enough to bully or humiliate -- if that's what it takes to get them to make a change that's pleasing to you and beneficial to his/her health.
Sometimes, that's what the spouse or kids are for -- to get you to do something good that you wouldn't do for yourself.

Amen, sister! In my opinion, marriage should be about bringing out the best you have to offer. Spending hours a week sitting on the couch watching football or soap operas when you might be improving your mind does not count as bringing out your best. Neither does letting yourself go physically, gaining weight year by year, until you get to the point where stomach stapling starts to look like a good idea. Marriage should be about two* people becoming more than either could be alone -- not a long, slow roll downhill from one's physical and mental peak.

*Or more if you can manage it -- I'm not prejudiced. But making it happen with just two is hard enough for most of us.

My husband did and still does say to me " it doesn't matter how you look I still love you " But for me I want to lose the weight I'm tired of huffing and puffing as I walk up the steps or down the street. Then there are times (not often) I think he does mention my weight because he thinks that will get me motivated again.
(wrong ! just makes me feel worse and I pig out. ) As long as he is supportive I'm happy. We will be celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary on Thursday and I have had more gain than loss.

Then I think about my sister who is married to an A--! I have heard that he has told her if she gains weight he will leave her . He has also told her if she ever cuts her hair he would also leave. From what I understand she had her hair trimmed and he wouldn't talk to her for 3 weeks. To me that is a Major. A--

[QUOTE=Dean4PrezUnless nothing else works, that is -- then bring on the bullying or humiliation. Or bail, and find someone who will take care of him/herself, someone more to your liking, and let the ex look for someone who doesn't care what her/his spouse looks like. But I think if you care enough about someone to marry them in the first place, you ought to care enough to bully or humiliate -- if that's what it takes to get them to make a change that's pleasing to you and beneficial to his/her health.QUOTE]

I hope for her sake that your gf never gains weight or does something that's not exactly to your liking if bullying and humiliation are what you deem acceptable treatment of someone you're suppossed to love!! You're obviously not familiar with the concept of unconditional love!!

I mean c'mon "If you care enough about someone to marry them in the first place, you ought to care enough to bully or humiliate". What a lovely view of relationships you have!!!!

No, I disagree strongly. There's NEVER a good reason to bully or humiliate anyone.

After all, if it worked, none of us with unsupportive families would still have this problem, right?