Vgal--we're not married yet .

Also, your post sort of made me sad, as I met my boyfriend when he was on leave from Iraq. So I guess that means he just wants me because he's in the military and desperate?

I think what he meant was that most military men want women who are going to stand by them through thick and thin. There is no guarantee that these men will return with all limbs, eyes, appendages intact, so they aren't looking for a woman who is superficial fluff.

I am sorry you are struggling so deeply with image and confidence issues right now. I wish I could give you half of what I have--we'd both be perky, solid B's.

Unfortunately, I can't change what God gave me without surgery, and even then I fear infection and disastrous results.

I will be your ally and support if you need it.

PotatoFree, god I love that name! I wish I could be. Anyway, what a lovely story. I'll admit that nurse has more courage than I ever will. I'm a stupid and shallow girl, but if I think about it I am a product of my family. When I think about how much time I waste/have wasted worrying about ridiculousness, it's mind boggling. There are serious problems existing in the world today, people dying, children starving, wars, natural disasters and here I sit dwelling on the fact that I have no breasts and men won't love me. Blah, blah, whine, whine. I need to focus more on making myself a better person. There are far more horrible fates in life than being alone or single (parish spinster comes to mind). I could be worse off. I have good friends, a great family and people I care about in my life. I'm relatively healthy, I have a healthy body that I get to abuse and misuse as I wish - how many people can say that?

Amory, thank you for your support. I, in no way meant to imply that your fiance who seems like a doll, was desperate because he is a military man. You have boobs. For a military man to choose someone like ME would be akin to sleeping with one of his unit - then that's desperate. I wish him a safe return home to you!

Having a reduction, from what I've learnt is slightly easier than getting implants. I've known several women who have done it and had a much better time recovery/results than the ones who got implants. I think, and a few docs have confirmed this, that it's easier to take out than to put in. A qualified surgeon will know just how much to reduce and how to repair so there's minimal down time. I'm a horrible person, I haven't called my cousin since last Friday, partially because I figured she needed time to heal and probably didn't want someone calling everyday asking, "How are you?", but also because I don't want to hear how happy she is.

[QUOTE=potatofree]Why would you WANT some man who would look right through you if you weren't perfect?QUOTE]

To me that equals a higher set of standards. Is that weird?

Not weird, since I think I understand a bit... do you mean if he's "choosy" and won't look at anyone who isn't beautiful, but he chooses YOU, that makes you good enough?

The only problems I see is that somewhere along the line you've become convinced you're somehow "less than". All those negative comments made by the family have wormed their way in and warped your perception of your own value.

Whether or not you get implants, which very well might help your body image, you still need to address the self-image issues... or you just might end up still hating yourself and never feeling good enough, no matter what you look like.

It's hard to un-do the recordings of the put-downs that play through your mind, but you're worth it. Yes, there are probably some decent people who make "the first cut" based on appearance in the dating world, but most of the time when you scratch their surface, you fine...well.... more surface!

You aren't a terrible person, you're hurting. There's a big difference. You're also brave enough to voice your feelings even if you're afraid of how it might sound to others.

<steps carefully onto soapbox>

Let's take this a little afield from the 'boob' issue, and see if this makes sense. I've spent 14 years as a newspaper reporter and occasional fill-in editor. I've been a graphic designer, a community relations representive for a major blood donor organization. When I needed a job in August 2005, my current job as an office coordinator at a non-profit was available. I took a $10,000 cut in pay with the hope that it would develop into more -- which it hasn't. And I'm ready to change. Change is OK. But it's won't be successful if I see myself as just a lowly office coordinator and don't apply myself elsewhere. I don't see myself as one-faceted. I'm the sum of lots of things. And I like myself.

You, too, are the sum of lots of things. Not just boob size. Brains. Very sensitive and well-spoken, from what I can see. Probably a lot of other things, too, that I can't. Unfortunately, I work with a wonderful young lady. Very busy, very pretty, on her way to a teaching degree. Not married. Not engaged, not seeing anyone seriously. Would she like to be? Sure. She's very concentrated on her observations, her classes and this fall's student teaching. I hope there's a man for her out there. But it's not because of her body -- she hasn't found a guy yet that is a fit. You'll find a guy who's a fit at some point, but you're wonderful with or without one. That's what you've got to see before a breast augmentation would be helpful. You've gotta be OK with yourself.

<dismount soapbox> Sorry if I rambled on...

Vgal,

Free advice and worth every penny: move out of LA. It sounds like an alien existence on another planet.

My rant: Every single one of us in this forum is a gorgeous, desireable person. We all just have some layers on top right now. Once we peel those layers off (think of onions, or snakes shedding their skin) everyone will be in on our secret - the only caveat is that the physical layers aren't nearly as hard to peel as the psychological ones. So let's do it - just believe. Believe that you're hot and good and intelligent. Believe your breasts are growing as your stomach shrinks (or maybe that the fat on the rest of your body is migrating to your chest). The power of belief can accomplish amazing things.

Chris

It doesn't matter where you live, but I'm sure some places are more looks-oriented than others. Looks do matter, they kind of establish a sort of pecking order of sorts on one level... I mean who HASN'T even ONCE seen a couple where you wonder just for a second "What's he doing with HER. She must be the boss' daughter or something...?" or "Geez, he must be rich...." when you see a young model-type with an old geezer.

Not saying it's true or fair to assume anything, but it happens. Probably because there seems to be a tendency for people to choose someone on a similar "level" looks-wise. I know the young "pretty guys" aren't going to be attracted to a fat, middle aged me, but the difference is when I WAS young and thin I didn't think they would be because I wasn't pretty enough, rich enough, cheerleader enough...whatever.


I think it can take more than just to "believe". A goal without a plan is just a wish. Aside from the health benefits of losing weight, how MUCH different is dieting to change you physical appearance and self-esteem all that much different from getting implants? You're changing the outside to make the inside feel better. If someone wants to get implants, and they make her happy, cool. <shrug> If she expects her whole LIFE to be better, it's just like people who think the world will be better "when they hit goal". I've seen it a lot that people earnestly feel they'll have better jobs, get a mate, leave their problems behind... then they get there and find there's still a LOT of crap to deal with.

Honestly, I didn't start this to look better. Maybe I was hoping to fit into seats with a little less difficulty, but mainly because my doctor put me on HBP meds and told me to look forward to diabetes, kidney problems, heart problems, etc. I decided to change because my grandmother died that way. I have had good jobs, have a wonderful DH, enjoyed my sex life before, and didn't really care about looks all that much. I'm very fortunate, and now I'm just taking care of myself.

Everyone has their own motivations, that's for sure.

Respectfully, not sure if I agree with you, potatofree. From some of the things VGal said, the emphasis on looks is much different in LA from where I live (no Cleveland jokes, please! ). I certainly hope that looks aren't the only thing that determines "the pecking order" - I may be fat but I've got brains and personality on my side and I'm doing pretty okay in my professional and personal life.

I would go so far as to say that it DOES take more than just believing - but if you don't believe in yourself it is very difficult to succeed and nearly impossible to maintain weight loss (or any difficult, ongoing endeavor).

Also, I apologize if I implied that VGal shouldn't get breast implants. I think she should do whatever it takes to feel good about herself and her body - lowcarb is one healthy way to do that, breast augmentation is another. Is cool?
Chris

I'm sure LA is one of the worst placces for "looks-ism" given the whole entertainment industry thing and all, but it is everywhere to one extent or another. For most people, I would hope, looks aren't the only factor, but they do figure in there on some level.

I agree, confidence in yourself is VERY important. You can be a "10", but if you think you're a "3", you're going to be putting out a whole different set of signals. I know some "3's" who think they're a "10" who get ALL the men. They just OWN the room when they enter, and they have such vitality and sparkle you can't help but like them.

Most men I know would take that over a "10" who needs constant reassurance of her beauty and has nothing to add to a relationship other than her looks... if they want the relationship to last more than a night or two, anyway.

I think we're all pretty much on the same page.

Thank you to everyone for offering input, advice, words of wisdom. I am in desperate need of them right now. I'm freefalling and not in a good way.

PotatoFree said a mouthful, if he chooses me then I MUST somehow be "worthy". That's been the carrot dangling in front of my nose my whole life. To be good enough. Falling short is the usual for me, its my safe haven.

By not being what I really want to be, by fearing change, by not aspiring to be MORE than I currently am, I choose to stay exactly where I am. I've wanted the implants since I was 15. I envision myself as someone else, in my dreams I always am someone else. If I don't get the surgery and improve myself in the physical being than I am accepting failure and letting myself remain in that category of self defeat. I always say, you can either choose to make a difference and stop complaining or stay and wallow in misery. I am immobile.

I saw the boy I like on Friday. After several months of us flirting and his becoming more and more aggressive, nothing has happened. He makes suggestions, innuendos, overtures. He continues to "use" me as his ego stroke, while he actively pursues other women. I've seen now how he acts when he actually likes someone, and needless to say, it's not me. She = the nondescript brunette in tacky red shoes. I have come to this conclusion - we are friends and we are most likely to remain that way. It's probably for the best anyway. And truth be told, I never really expected anything to ever happen anyway.

But the realisation made me sick. I guess, heartsick. I was in bed all weekend. And then I stayed home yesterday from work and stayed in bed all day too. I didn't work out, I didn't eat, I couldn't move. With him in my life, I have a motivation, someone to work towards - yes, Potato, if I was "enough" I would be that girl he actively pursues instead of the one he simply uses to bolster his esteem. Without him, I am adrift....

The good thing is I've lost two lbs.!!!

He's not even treating you like a friend. You said a mouthful when you said he's using you. That sums it up right there.

His behavior hurts you, yes, but it has NOTHING to do with you, believe it or not. He's oblivious to your good qualities, and it doesn't seem that he CARES. That isn't your fault.

Without him, you aren't so much adrift as you are FREE. Now that you know it's not going to happen, you can move on. There IS someone out there for you who will treat you with the respect you deserve, but until then... let it be YOU.

You ever heard "dress for success"? I find that the way you act and the way that you feel about yourself are directly related. I try to act confident, then people perceive me as confident, then people treat me better.

Sometimes you have to fake a little self-esteem in order to achieve that self-esteem. Start ACTING like you matter (to yourself and to everyone else), then over time it will no longer be an ACT, it'll simply be YOU.

Honestly, it works. If it'll help, practice withering looks and catchy retorts in the mirror before you go to that family gathering. Arm yourself for a battle of wits.

Or, when going to the grocery store, simply go up to the clerk like you own the place and ask for a price check on an item, even though you know what the price is already. Hand out compliments and kudos like your opinion is treasured. Smile at people you don't know, it'll make you happier with yourself.

Just some ideas on how to put yourself out there . . .

Sheesh... just read a LITTLE of this thread... and from a man's point of view...

1) sexy is sooooo much more than the size of your boobs
2) FITNESS is soooo much more attractive than boobs
3) ANYONE who would give you a hard time about something like that KNOWING it hurts you... is just STUPID... and doesn't DESERVE to know you
4) Losing the 60lbs makes you ohhhh so much more attractive than your cousins boob job
5) Take a belly dancing class or a pole dancing class.... these are the latest rage in exercise.. AND they (according to our female dance instructor) make women more comfortable with their bodies which sounds like it would address another concern you have.

Just some things to think about....

Mike

Sooo true. I tend to look my best when I'm depressed. People will automatically respond differently. I can be in a great mood and go out in my sweats and people will ask what's wrong. Plus it will eventually make you feel better.