Quote-"I'm thinking I'm gonna go nuts if I actually make it to something crazy like 130 lbs. I'm gonna dye my hair blonde, wear real jeans. Be an extrovert. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well I see there is. I just want to lose weight. I don't want to change."

Sorry but life is change and this is a change for the best. I sometimes have to remember that I CAN be more social. I tend to still try to keep to myself and stay away from social events. I am still socially awkward but I'm working on it. I am still the same bubbly person I was before but now I move more, I don't just sit there and wish that my head wasn't attached to my body when someone turns to look at me. I walk up to people, I initiate conversations now, I even look at men and though they still aren't quite staring my way just yet, I have had a few positive glances my way. I am trying new things.

I remember crying on the phone with my sister when I realized that doing low carb would mean that I would not be able to bake like I was. I was getting really good at baking and I had this fantasy that my daughter would grow up and tell everyone how I baked for her all the time and how good of a mother I was. MY sister told me, "Maybe when you lose the weight, you'll focus on something else, maybe instead of baking, you'll have new hobbies." I thought about it and I knew she was right but I really couldn't see it. Now you can't get me in the kitchen!!!

Like today, my friend called me up and said, "Hey, would you like to go to the lake." I said, "We're in a pj's just relaxing and watching t.v.-(which is what we used to everyday but now its just on Sunday). She told me she was heading to my house and for me to hurry and get dressed and she took us out to someplace we'd never been, a lake with a beach and I watched my daughter swim. We talked about several things and planned on coming back for the holidays to bbq and for our kids to swim. The last cookout I was at was with my sister's friends nearly 2 yrs ago. It was horrible. I was the fattest person there and no one spoke to me, not even my sister and her husband. I just sat by the food, what a lovely picture hunh, a fat person by the food! So, I faked being sick so she would take me home, leaving my daughter to play with her cousins. My sister knew what I was doing too, because I would do similiar things to get out of being around other people, because I knew that I just stood out like a sour thumb and I had nothing to say to them. They were all married or with a significant other and I have been single my entire life with a child, no other relationships, I am socially in-ept and after a few minutes of speaking to me, there was nothing else for me to say.

So, now I am planning on going on a bbq with my friend and her daughter, I may even get into the water with my dd, just to have a good time, something I would never have done before because even if people didn't stare at me, which is what they often did, I would feel like they were. Now I know that I don't stand out, so no one cares. I am 30 yrs old and I am having experiences I should've had when I was that lonely teenager who kept to themselves in their own world because I had no friends, I couldn't relate to anyone else, and I was overweight.

Every experience I have I am learning more and I am becoming more sociable and I would never want to return to the reclusive person I was just 1 1/2 yrs ago.

Wow, this is just so intense. I just love all your postings ppls. Yes, I guess I see that there are some things that I may do now, that I hadn't done before. Public swimming, for instance. I'm so pleased about the fact that I actually might be able to help ppl understand heavy ppl better...since I've been here. (and still am) Since thursday I decided not to check my weight. So todays Monday and I finally weighed in....I lost only 1 lb. Not so encouraging. Considering I was doing all my workouts. My only things that I did different since thursday is changing my lunch to a big salad with lettuce, aragula, cucumbers and one tomatoe with pieces of hard cheese in it. (not too much cheese at all) And I baked the kids a peach pie for the first time in my life (baking for me too by the way) and the second day when I was washing the empty pie plate I found a tiny slice of peach in it still and some crust and decided that I really did want to taste it....so I ate the piece of peach and then spit out the crust in the garbage. I was really hoping I'd lose more...but I suspect that 1 lb in 3 days is probably good, right? By the way....can anyone tell me how to attach my ticker? I can't seem to get it on.

i think you will be extroverted because it was stiffled inside your big body. i too feel the same way. i know i will become more outgoing, more flirtatious, date more, laugh out loud more, enjoy the rest of my life more..but isn't that a good thing. i think so!! good luck to you.

I am so glad that you started this thread, I saw the comment you are refering to in the other thread and it touched me and I responded with this:

I have worn my size kind of like a badge my whole life. I have always been heavier and I made sure that it stopped me from doing nothing, I was a cheerleader, an aerobics instructor etc. Anything to fight the stereotypical restrictions on a fat girl, so what will I be if I am not the fat girl flying in the face of convention? I am a little worried that my weight has become a huge- pardon the pun - part of my identity.

Hi...thanks for tracking me down!! I was active in my teen years even if a was heavy. I played high school, volleyball, badminton and field hockey. I also played baseball in teh summer. I have about 20 trophies from baseball and made the all star team every year. I've had my picture in the paper for baseball and field hockey. I played field hockey for OFSAA, Ontario team. I was ACTIVE. But after all that...I converted my religion to islam....then I got married.....years later with 4 children. Life has just changed. It's time for me now. I think I know what you mean about carrying your weight as a badge. But I think mine is a little rusty around the edges. I'm gonna put in my order for a new one...but instead of saying, "successful fat lady" I'm going to think of something new. Any ideas?

This IS an interesting topic!
I was just talking to my husband the other day about something very similar-
I had went to the home improvement store & was there to purchase a pressure washer- sort of heavy- rather bulky good sized box- ok- I was there with my 12 year old daughter & had 2 or 3 men standing around that worked there- I proceeded to pick this box up to put it on top of the buggy & NONE of them offered a hand or hinted that they wanted to!
What irritated me most was that I told my husband if I had been 130 pounds they would have been ALL over there helping out! Then I said something that I am going to try HARD to fight in myself as I do lose the weight- I told him that I can see myself becoming bitter when I lose the weight- if people can't accept me as I am now- then forget them when I DO lose the weight. This feels like it's along the same line of what you are saying about losing yourself- I LIKE who I am now inside- I don't want to become some bitter skinny bimbo- ha ha
So- What I think is that we will always have human tendancies on certain occasions or under certain circumstances to react negatively. We just need to understand that this is a normal human imperfection & work hard to overcome this just as we have worked hard at losing the weight! Losing the weight isn't just about the pounds- it's a real life journey! To be succesful- we must come full circle & be whole in ourselves- mind body & spirit! Changing not only our bodies- but adjusting our mind along the way as well.
So you just keep your eye focused on who you are & those qualities that you like about yourself & always remember who it is that you are inside & that is who you will always be!

I think it is an entirely necessary process to go through, this finding yourself stuff and discovering your place in the world, who you are and where you fit. What your values are and how to live them in an imperfect world.

I do think though that this process is not necessarily tied with weight loss. Often the two coincide, you may not have felt the need to do this stuff until you started losing weight and had to deal with changes in life, but I think I did most of that stuff far before I ever lost the weight.

Consequently, I don't really notice any change in who I am or what I am or what I do as I lose weight. I just am me still. It's a little easier to be me as I lose weight because I'm not feeling self-concious about how I look, but other than that, no big changes to my basic personality.

Valerie

i have a poem i wrote about a nightmare i had as i was preparing myself to start losing weight, and it was about knives slashing my flesh, and the fat calling to me saying but i was your lover, your solice, your only friend, the one who kept you safe all these years, why are you doing this to me, and i think that is where this duality of fat personality/thin personality comes into play, along the way we lost pieces of ourselves and replaced them with what ever our drug was (i could mainline sugar from the bag, why bother with the bowl of ice cream or cookies when i wanted sweets, just open the sugar bag and pour into my mouth). so, we keep trying on new pieces of ourselves to replace we lost along the way now that we are not carrying around that "tonnage" of empty flesh

great question. none of my relationships with my friends changed as i got thinner. they were all happy for me, and they were all my friends before - they accepted me for who i was, not what i looked like. my relationship with my parents has always been tense around my weight, so that has changed in some ways; on the one hand i no longer feel tense around them because they are no longer judging me for being overweight, but on the other hand i resent the *positive* attention i get from them now because i wanted them to be like my friends; accepting me for who i was, not what i weighed, all those years. my relationship with my siblings has deepened in some ways, and in some ways i've become their advisor in matters of diet, which is quite amazing, coming from the one who was always the fat one with four slim or relatively slim siblings. have i changed? i agree with many people who talk about the 'real' them coming out. it's not so much that i've changed, as that the person who was stifled for so many years is beginning to emerge. put simply, i now feel like i deserve to be here, i walk down the road and hold my head up high, and i don't spend my days in paroxysms of shame and self-loathing because i hate what i'm imprisoned in. i have also let go of the guilt i felt that it was all my fault. knowing i have faulty biochemistry and that i'm not just greedy and a glutton has been amazingly liberating. i do do things i wouldn't have done before. i walk into a room on my own and am not scared to do it, because i'm not dreading seeing people's eyes on me. i go out more. i'm less scared of meeting new people, or of putting myself in situations i'm not entirely in control of. last year i went to the beach in the summer with my sister; first time i've been to the beach in years, and i love the sea. i'm dating, or at least putting myself out there - something i just didn't do before. i find i can't blame men 'shallow' enough to have not been interested in me before - *i* wasn't interested in me before. on the other hand, a 'well intentioned' 'compliment' a year or so ago from a male friend of mine made me see red. complimenting me again on how wonderful i looked, he made a comment somewhere along the lines of "if only us men who like thin girls had known we should just wait a bit longer" ie he's married now, but had he known i'd get thinner he might've been interested? this is someone who knew me all the way down. that's the kind of superficial judgment that so many of us have had to suffer. in all the essentials, i was the same person fat as i am now, almost thin. and it's the judgments of society upon us that makes us different people when fat, i often think. if i'd never felt like being supersize was a crime against society, then i would have been as confident going out then as i am now, as much myself.

If I had any ideas I wouldn't be so bad off ! I like to think of myself more as a fat revolutionary. I think that I have a hard time with this because I want to make sure every step of the way and every change I make is because I want to, not because society forced me to conform and for some warped reason losing weight has tied itself to conformity in my mind, but I am working on it.

Hi again everyone. I think we are actually getting somewhere with this. I got a great message to put on my badge now....how about, "working on the whole". Sort of means how I'm working to lose weight and working on the internal things as well?? Somebody has to get something better. This morning I actually jogged a little on my morning walk. Just a little....but I had the energy to do it and I did. My husband is overseas right now and coming back in less than a month. We've agreed to start jogging in the morning. I'm worried I won't be able to keep up. Well, I've got about 3 weeks to get better at it. (He weighs 188 lbs and is active) I'm thinking of going back to the Stillman's fast for another 3 days so that I'll drop some more pounds....I've done it before and then worked in the carbs...but I just don't feel like I'm getting the results I want.

DONNA2128: You are so right about picking up that box and no one moving. What is it about being tiny that makes ppl think you need help with anything? And anyways...it would have been just polite if anyone helped. My daughter is 13 by the way...she's my oldest. I once wondered if she had any issues about me being overweight. I don't think she does...but my 10 yr old does. I was once standing beside her and her friend and heard them talking about a teacher who just passed us in the hallway. (the other little girls mom is heavier than me) My daughter told the other girl, "I wish my mom was as thin as her". I heard it and I hated myself for being overweight. Good luck on our "real life journey"!!

VALERIEL: No big changes with your personality? Well that just shows how stable you are. You've really come a long way...GOOD WORK and DEDICATION! By the way....I live in Egypt, but am originally from Mississauga....and my girls used to attend a private school right there in Oakville. I love Oakville....GO WAL-MART!! Oakville WalMart is the best one! Is that great dollar store still open across from it?

SKUDDLE: I'd love to read that poem....do you think you could post it for us? Pouring sugar in your mouth...WOW! Stick with it, okay? I keep referring to the new weight that I'm trying hard to achieve as mini-me....lol! You keep on going!!

DEBMEG: Ouch! about the comment about waiting. That's sort of sick don't you think? From Jerusalem? Are you from there originally? You've lost 99 lbs? I can't wait to put up something like that!! Great job!! Since I live in Egypt....we see Jerusalem on the news everyday....not necessarily in a positive light. I'm happy we can at least post together without issues!

KAINIKI: I wrote the name of my badge up top. Was sort of a take off on some comments from Donna, I think.

Well just to end off....I'd like to talk about me and my obsession with the ANT song....HELP ME!! LOL, it's been stuck in my head for a long time now. I love the song and it always makes you feel great singing it. By the way....can you all see my whole ticker? I only see the top half of it and I'm not sure if it's just me.

This is a great thread, and I love seeing the different perspectives. It is my hope that I can, like Joanee said, forgive the shallow even if I can't befriend them. I really hope I don't end up bitter - "you wouldn't help with this heavy box before, but NOW you want to help? BITE me." - but I have that cynical side in me and think I'll have to fight it.

I talked with my husband about this very issue, and he smiled his sweet smile and said he thinks I'll be more confident, have more self-esteem, but will never be a real extrovert. He got a chuckle out of me when I said, "But I want to have my bellybutton pierced." I guess that's about the extent of my wild side.

I want my son to remember his mother full of energy and pep. I want him to be confident in himself and have a healthy self-esteem, and I know that's something I have to instill in him by example. I want him to know that there's nothing he can't do if he's willing to work for it, and to teach him that I have to conquer these demons and reach my goal. These are the ways in which I hope my personality changes as my weight changes.

Cairo is a long way from Oakville, but it's nice to know another from around here! If you come home to visit, let me know, we do get-togethers of forum members occasionally!

Val

To the Fat Revolutionary...Boy can I relate, I used to say to my friend, "Why can't we just be fat and happy? Why can't people just leave us alone to be fat and happy?" Well, I believed that for awhile as I got bigger and bigger and my life became limited to the couch to the bed. It was horrible.

It took some time to realize that though I felt that it was conformity and that I didn't want to be like everyone else, I wasn't like everyone else and I was missing out on life. Then it doesn't become conformity, it becomes inclusion. You want to belong to a group where you DON'T stand out. Its funny how I wish I could've taken back those years when I was fighting so hard to be fat.

seek et al, i will post the poem in my journal