HA! Well I have my own list of 10 best reasons why a low carb diet is just wrong, wrong, wrong.
10. If I eat low-fat/high-carb and stay fat, I can insist those around me be my servants (due to my obese helplessness) the rest of my natural life. Low carb has already dropped 85 pounds off me in 3 months. Not only do I not require someone else do my shopping now, I actually FEEL like doing it myself. Low-carb has already deprived me of some of my life of ease. They never warned me about this.
9. Thanks to lowcarb wiping out my acid reflux, I no longer am forced to sleep sitting up, and no longer wake up several times a night, staying up for hours. Do you have any idea how much email I'm not getting done that I used to? I know my dear family misses terribly my 3am tomes about the most miniscule details of my thoughts about my life. This is sure to cause a great rift between us any minute now. The bonds of family are precious, and low carb is ruining it for me by letting me sleep blissfully through the night! Just one more nasty side effect those lowcarbers never warn you about.
8. Now that I eat lots of protein, avoid starches and carby stuff it turns out I'm mildly sensitive to, and I stay in benign dietary ketosis all the time ("BDK" for short, or, "It isn't diabetic ketoacidosis you moron" for long), I find my desire to eat useless junkfoods that I loved but helped me weigh nearly 500lbs has gone away. No more am I gasping like a heroin addict getting a fix with the milk carton at 2am. No longer am I eating enough carbs in pasta to overdose a marathoner and still knock me out from the blood sugar drop a short time later. But do we not call on God to help us fight such trials? Lowcarb has already come between me and my Divine Pleading by making it easy for me to eat healthy food all on my own. Lowcarbers hide the spiritual risks or nobody would dare try this. We're talkin' about the fate of your SOUL, man.
7. Recently I discovered that having mental clarity all day during my job went a long way toward hearing and understanding what everybody around me was saying -- and sometimes, not saying. Did anybody ask me if I REALLY wanted to know that kind of information? Did it not occur to anybody that "ignorance is bliss," and that being a space cadet has been proven to lower job stress? Sure, I'll lose weight and be healthier but what if I die of the added stress that "comprehension" of what my boss wants has forced on me? Yes, it's these kind of insidious little things that those fad lowcarbers will never tell the newbies.
6. Last week I was traveling, and as I noted in my blog, a young cabbie spent half my taxi ride making eyes at me and suggesting he liked "big women." Had I not felt friendly and energetic and, may I add, had lowcarb not restored my complexion to its former healthy glow, I seriously doubt I would have been faced with this kind of ten-minute-temptation. Do people really understand what kind of danger to a married woman lowcarbing could be? There may come a day when people actually look at me without sneering, looking away, or bursting into uncontrollable laughter. This could definitely loosen my morals in a matter of minutes just from the novelty of it, frankly. And do you suppose this constant challenge to Moral Integrity is ever mentioned by lowcarbers? Nooooo. You'd think people ALWAYS looked and felt better and it was no issue at all. Well I disagree. People considering lowcarb should be warned of this potential!
5. Now that I have more energy, my child is getting to bed on time more often, and my husband is actually having to answer for having a relationship. Neither of them are particularly happy about this. I find the better I feel about myself, the more I actually expect other people to treat me decently. This kind of imbalanced lack of subservience on my part is causing all kinds of ripples in my life. Family strife! Social dissent! Lowcarb actually reminded me I was worth something and had the right to make my life what I want it to be. I'm sure my more dysfunctional family members would like to 'deprogram' me from this lowcarb cult so they could live comfortably with me being appropriately yet quietly miserable. Yet another wide-reaching side effect that few people ever mention when discussing carb counts.
4. Since going on lowcarb, I actually wake up in the morning. I don't feel like I am 20,000 leagues under the sea anymore. I am even capable of getting up and functioning without a major injection of some kind of drug like caffeine. The water drop and weight loss has made me more limber, and I move around a lot less like Frankenstein or Egor than I used to. My shift into being a bit more of a morning person has grossly offended my family, my coworkers, and all eight (!) of my cats. Do other eating plans cause this kind of interpersonal contention? I think not. Lowcarb ought to come with a warning label.
3. Now that I eat lowcarb, I'm ingesting more vegetables than I ever have in my life. I've begun depending a lot on my garden for fresh vegetables and strawberries and scallions on demand. Thanks to low carb, Walmart is making that much less money off my shopping every week. Does nobody even care about the impact that more financial self-sufficiency and healthier food might have if everyone ate like that? How many jobs could be lost just because of millions of backyard chili peppers? Our country's economy depends on us to buy Mac & Cheese, McDonald's and deep-fried Fish & Chips! (Not to mention our medical industry's financial well-being.) Lowcarb must be downright un-patriotic.
2. With all my sudden added energy and enthusiasm, I have begun to think about sex a LOT more. A lot. More. Do I really need to elaborate here. Baby you just have NO idea. Nobody ever warned me that eating steak and eggs instead of fruit loops would turn me into a brazen hussy. (Maybe it was really The Forbidden Steak all along. Which would explain people complaining that the opposite sex is often perceived as meat.) Did I mention... a LOT more? Maybe I should have made this reason #1. (LD where are you when I need you?)
1. Assuming I continue this questionably-sane eating plan known as lowcarb, there's a very real possibility that, just as my doctor warned me, down the road, I might actually live to see my little girl grow up. I might not keel over dead before she's 12. I might not even develop any major diseases. I might, while we're on that subject, actually live long enough to have her bad mouthing me as a teen -- or, heaven forbid, pawning her squalling little babies off on me someday. That's a whole lot of life and stress between then and now that I'm probably going to have to put up with, since DYING becomes so much less an option, short of swan-diving into traffic, the longer I low carb.
Let this list serve as a warning to all.
ha. I think I may post that on my blog actually.