Fat Shaq fever

Jerry Greene

Published May 28, 2003

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Shaq, you may be fat.

Please, Shaq, forgive me for bringing it out in the open like this, but this is for your own good. You may be fat -- and you may be in denial. Could that be why you ducked your exit interview with Phil Jackson? Were you afraid the interview might go this way:

"Shaq, you're fat."

"I'm so outta here."

Slam.

Listen, my big-boned brother, let's talk. Just you and me.

First, let's turn to the most dreaded mathematical tool in the universe -- the Body Mass Index. According to NBA.com, you are listed as 7-foot-1 and 338 pounds, so for our purposes we will ignore the nasty claims that you are "nearly 400 pounds." That's nothing but hearsay and innuendo -- although that is one big bowl of innuendo.

The BMI that I found on the Web gives you a rating of 32.9. Uh, that's a little high, Shaq. Most of these guides say anything over 25 is overweight and anything over 30 is porker country. This particular BMI places you in the 98th percentile, weight-wise, of all adult males who are 7-foot-1.

How many of you are there, anyway?

This BMI also says your ideal weight is 287. Wow, small world or what? I'm your ideal weight and just 15 inches short of your ideal height.

This is your problem, Shaq, not mine. After all, your first and middle names, Shaquille Rashaun, mean "Little Warrior" in Islam -- and that could be up for review. So which direction are you taking during the off-season? Here are three possibilities:

Take the Atkins Diet. As I understand it, this is a high-fat and low-carbohydrate diet, which I think means you can eat all the steak and ribs you want and put butter on them, too. (And, no, I don't think the diet that killed the late doctor.)

Forget dieting. Invite Ruben Studdard and me over to your place to just hang. Hey, we can have pie-eating contests and do some karaoke, just like on American Idol.

Make another movie. How about "The Marlon Brando Story?"

OK, we've had a little fun -- primarily because I'm assuming you don't know where I live. But now it's time for me to watch your back. All this talk about what a terrible season you just had -- but statistically it was almost a wash with the season before, maybe even a touch better.

In the 2001-02 and 2002-03 seasons, you played in 67 games each. Two seasons ago you averaged 27.2 points and 10.7 rebounds in 36.1 minutes per game. In the regular season that just ended, you averaged 27.5 points and 11.1 rebounds in 37.8 minutes.

In the season just ended, you hit on .622 of your free throws, your pro-career high.

Did you slip some in the playoffs? Yes. But blaming you for the Lakers failure to win another championship is a little cheap, especially when the blame is coming from the coach who should be backing you instead of verbally hacking you.

And let's not forget your bad big toe.

I know, others snicker at talking about being slowed by a bad big toe. But in your case, we are talking about a big big toe.

So it's up to you, big guy. I just thought if we had this private talk, you could sit down and decide what you want to do.

If you want to talk some more, let's do lunch.

Fat huh? He's a damn sight more fit than most of his critics I suspect. Who cares if he's gained weight? If he's happy, then his fans are happy. Ever since they invented BMI, life has become misery for people just because you 'don't add up' to the right figures. Grrrr.