So much of your story matches my own. I hope my success will match yours. I too have used food to dull the pain, to stifle the feelings. I too have had a brush with 12step programs and left them behind. Some mantras stick, but I do not attend meetings. Still have a lot of 12step literature and some tapes. Probably will fall in with 12step programs again someday. For now, the online support of various LC groups seems to help me. Thanks for posting your story and for sticking up for yourself. I look forward to hearing how you do in maintenance and what happens as you create a new life for yourself.