I know that for me the key is finding a reason that is soley for myself. Every time my motivation has been external, I've failed.

This time, it's all between me and God. He and I are all I need on this and nobody else's opinion matters.

The thing that really kind of panicked me the other day was my wife complimenting me on the way I'm starting to look (she always has, but it's better when it's the eyes and not the heart talking). She commented on how she's always like compact, wiry men. Not that this was something I didn't know, but the thing that hit me was that, as a man, I did not want to be "small." I don't know if it is the perception that small does not equal strong or what. I've got some more soul-searching to do on this one.

I guess that's bigorexia (sp?) or some other body image issue and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that one. I know intellectually that I have to lose the fat first and that it will take quite some time before I can gain muscle that is as large as the layers of fat. That doesn't mean that I have accepted/dealt with it on an emotional level.

Does anybody have a clue on this one? I pray and tell myself that it doesn't matter if someone else thinks I'm small, but I'm not ready to accept myself thinking I'm small.