rebsee
Mon, Apr-14-03, 10:03
I always find that no matter how much I know I've worked hard or how good I feel about myself there's always something outside that knocks me back down again.
Today I didn't want to do anything, just wanted to watch TV and sleep, but I made myself go out to get an application form for Sainsburys so I felt I'd acheived something. On my way there some teenage boys were walking the other way and one of them shouted 'fat arse' at me. Of course I told them where to go. But it makes me wonder why I went out at all. Nobody on the outside seems to realise that actions such as that make us the way we are.
The way I am - overweight, anxious, tearful, lack of confidence, inability to articulate verbally, nailbiter, trichotillomania - is due to child abuse (Not from a member of my family) and a very stressful childhood in my family home, teamed with constant bullying at school - people spitting in my face and throwing rocks at my head. For what? Being overweight. But the being overweight is a result of the abuse - a constant, horrible circle.
When I moved out of my family home the nailbiting stopped and I lost 35 pounds but the other symptoms continued, and are still there. I've lost a further 16 pounds over the last 6 months, and the symptoms are still there.
Everything outside my homelife seems to be malevolent. At work I get hostility and sexual abuse, I go out to get something and I get verbal abuse. What little confidence I have is slowly being chipped away at every day. I start counselling on the 29th but thats 14 days away, then my doctor's certificate runs out on May 4th and I have to go back to work. I can get it extended but do I really need it?
The more I stay home the worse the outside world seems, and the more I go out the more I'm proved right. I know I have to go out, but I'm afraid to.
Today I didn't want to do anything, just wanted to watch TV and sleep, but I made myself go out to get an application form for Sainsburys so I felt I'd acheived something. On my way there some teenage boys were walking the other way and one of them shouted 'fat arse' at me. Of course I told them where to go. But it makes me wonder why I went out at all. Nobody on the outside seems to realise that actions such as that make us the way we are.
The way I am - overweight, anxious, tearful, lack of confidence, inability to articulate verbally, nailbiter, trichotillomania - is due to child abuse (Not from a member of my family) and a very stressful childhood in my family home, teamed with constant bullying at school - people spitting in my face and throwing rocks at my head. For what? Being overweight. But the being overweight is a result of the abuse - a constant, horrible circle.
When I moved out of my family home the nailbiting stopped and I lost 35 pounds but the other symptoms continued, and are still there. I've lost a further 16 pounds over the last 6 months, and the symptoms are still there.
Everything outside my homelife seems to be malevolent. At work I get hostility and sexual abuse, I go out to get something and I get verbal abuse. What little confidence I have is slowly being chipped away at every day. I start counselling on the 29th but thats 14 days away, then my doctor's certificate runs out on May 4th and I have to go back to work. I can get it extended but do I really need it?
The more I stay home the worse the outside world seems, and the more I go out the more I'm proved right. I know I have to go out, but I'm afraid to.