How do I l/c when my son won't?

[ladybugvv]

I have tried to stick to l/c before but the weekends trip me up. On the weekends my 14 year old expects me to cook him breakfast. He doesn't like eggs and bacon much. He wants pancakes, waffles or donuts and he makes me feel like a horrible person for not wanting that junk in the house.

He is really overweight (maybe 30 lbs) and could benefit by this, but he is not interested. I know he's embarrased by his weight. He is failing P.E. because he won't change clothes in front of the other kids. He also always wears a jacket or vest even when it's hot. But when I try to casually bring up the topic of weight loss, he shuts me out.

I'm a single mom, so I can't afford to buy all this extra junk food for him. And I really don't want it in the house. How can I convince him to eat healthier and help both us us lose weight?

[Cream]

Hi Ladybug,

Reading your message I had one question screaming in my head:
Who is the parent in your household?

Just because he expects you to do something doesnt mean you have to do it. If he expects you to buy him drugs, would you?

Really, at his age if he wants something he can work for the money and buy it for himself. As far as I can see your responsibility is to offer him food. From than on its up to him whether he eats it or not.

Sorry, I might sound a bit harsh, but it looks like he is applying pressure on you that he really shouldnt. Especially because you are a single mother.

Please dont let him treat you with no respect. Its gonig to be better for both of you.

Hugs

[liz175]

Originally posted by ladybugvv
I have tried to stick to l/c before but the weekends trip me up. On the weekends my 14 year old expects me to cook him breakfast. He doesn't like eggs and bacon much. He wants pancakes, waffles or donuts and he makes me feel like a horrible person for not wanting that junk in the house.

You don't have to cook pancakes for him unless you want to. In my opinion, no child should be allowed to get away with making his parent feel like a horrible person. When my kids try that on my, I very calmly and politely tell them that they are not permitted to speak to me that way and it will never result in getting what they want. Then I make sure that I do not give in to whatever demand was presented in such a rude manner.

My kids are 13 (a girl) and 17 (a boy). They like pancakes on the weekend and they make the pancakes themselves. My 13 year old has known how to make pancakes since she was 11. I can't remember when my 17 year old learned how to make them, but it was quite a while ago. They are also both very competent at making pasta and other high carb treats. I keep tortellinis (my daughter's favorite) and boxed macaroni and cheese in the house, but I don't cook them. These high carb foods really aren't very expensive -- in fact they are usually cheaper than the low carb foods I eat.

I cook what I eat, although I do throw in some side dishes for the kids. If I am making fish or meat and a vegetable for dinner, I will throw some baked potatoes in the oven for the kids. However, I will NOT make them a special dinner. If they absolutely won't eat what I am serving, they know they can make themselves something else.

As you can tell from the above, I do keep high carb foods in the house. They don't tempt me now that I am past the early stages of low carbing. I think the other members of my household have a right to these foods, even if I don't want them. However, that right does not extend to asking me to prepare them.

You also asked about how to get your 14-year-old to eat low carb. I can tell you from experience that 14-year-old boys are rebellious. If you let him know how much you want him to do it, he will not do it! Lead by example. Eat low carb yourself and let him see how much weight you lose. Don't preach to him. If he genuinely wants to lose weight, he may follow your example, especially because you will have lots of readily available lowcarb foods in the house. If he doesn't want to do it, all you are doing is asking for trouble if you try to force him. When he is ready, he will lose weight for his own reasons. You cannot make him do so.

If I were you, I would never again bring up the topic of weight loss with your son. He has made it clear that he does not want to talk to you about it. If he changes his mind, he'll let you know. You can discuss nutrition and healthy eating, but do it in terms of what is necessary for a growing kid (protein, iron, etc.), not in terms of what is necessary to lose weight.

Good luck! Sharing a house with adolescents is one of the more challenging things I have done in my life.

[ladybugvv]

You're right, both of you. I love my son very much and am very guilty of using food to show my love as I was raised. But there is nothing stopping him from making his own stuff now that I don't choose to make it. Dinners are no prob. I make a meat dish, low carb veggie, and let him have his own dessert.

I had just run into the problem AGAIN this morning and didn't know how to handle it. I don't know if I'd go so far as to compare drugs to Bisquick, but I get the point.

I have noticed that when I jump on the treadmill, he will do it too. So we can have a little (healthy) competition!

Thanks for the advice!

[freydis]

Did you know that sugar, when it was first refined, was considered a medicine? It was used only for treating illnesses. Not until much later did people begin using it for non-medical reasons.

Knowing this, knowing what sugar does to our bodies, knowing why it is such a prevalent force in our society, has helped me to be stronger with my daughter. I, too, caved to her demands for sweet treats and refined flour products. But, guess what - it IS a drug.

It is also a poison. There is NO nutritional value to sugar. Refined flour has value only because of supplements added to it.

This is your child and what you do is your choice. I will not judge you harshly for giving in - I did it, too. I'm stronger when well-armed with information.

[liz175]

I think that raising an adolescent boy is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I can show my daughter my love in multiple ways -- we shop together, we watch movies together, we get our hair cut together, etc. My son hates to shop, only watches the types of movies that give me nightmares, and make it extremely difficult for me to show him how much I care about him. If you find yourself showing your love to your son through food, it may be because there are so few good alternatives with boys this age. Don't blame yourself for it.

My son does love steak, so every once in a while I surprise him with a huge thick, juicy steak. It's still showing my love through food, but at least it is healthy.

[Deshukel]

I can't help but jump in here also...
You ARE the parent. You make the majority of the decisions! You can include him in special treats or meals.. I have four children who ask ALOT......they would like bagels, doughnuts, and pancakes. But I know how they make me feel, so I just don't keep that in the house, it can't be good for them either. My oldest(8th grader) craves white bread, and angel hair pasta! So about once a month I make a nice "Italian dinner". It's "a treat!"

It's hard for me to look at my two year old who wants to eat Goldfish crackers by the gallon, but again, I know what this will do to her in the long run. So again. We get a small bag as a treat once in a while.

Children won't starve! I'm a firm believer in putting choices out there for them to decide on, just make sure that any choice they have will be a good one.

For example... You can make a crepe type pancake with eggs, cream, water, splenda. Mix it up very thin. Fry it up quickly. Fill with blueberries and whipped cream.
LOW CARB, Sweet, maybe this with some ham would please your son.???

[SaturnStar]

ladybugvv,
I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from - People are much too quick to judge when you give your child a pancake or waffle :) . Telling you "let him make it himself", may not be the best answer. The fact is that he is only 14 and you ARE his mother and there is a mothering instict (I believe) to make & provide food for your child. And in this life we get busy with work, appointments, errands etc and if your a single parent your doing it yourself - so I can't blame you for wanting to take the time to make your son breakfast on the weekends! I am sorry that he's not very receptive to the low carb life. But perhaps you could sit with him and explain to him why it is important for you to eat this way. Maybe by understanding the benefits it's having on your life, he'll be more open to the idea. That way you haven't addressed it as his problem but rather your problem, then he won't feel under attack. I'm hoping for a good outcome for you & your son.
Saturn

[Kurlylocks]

Hi Ladybugvv,

I am the single parent of a soon to be 14 yr. old boy. He is very thin (lucky him) but I have warned him if he continues to eat junk, he won't be! I make a nice dinner, same for both of us, however I will make a serving of instant mashed potatoes for him or noodles, etc. I also do not keep treats in the house anymore except popcycles since it is hot here. I guess during school I will give him a treat in his lunch once in awhile.But it will be something I don't crave. As far as for your son, I would explain to him that you want to be healthy and live a longer life. That might help since teens are so into themselves, if he thinks that you might become ill or something happen to you, that might motivate him to help you. Also seeing you lose weight will motivate him to lose also. Being male is a big plus since he'll lose faster and become motivated that way. I still make my son french toast and don't have any myself. I make myself eggs and bacon.
Good luck, I know how hard it is!
Kurly

[moth]

Whew. This is a tough subject. It's something I think about, often... probably every day.

I WAS that kid, the one who didn't want to undress in front of the other kids during PE. And since both my husband and I are not exactly skinny, I want to make sure that my kids get the best chance they possibly can. So I'm going to offer up some of my thoughts, but since I am still only a Beginner Parent (meaning my kids are ~2&4), take it for what it's worth: a good intention.

By the time I reached my teenage years, let's say age 12, I was already pretty seriously overweight. My parents were always slender, and now I understand that this was due to their consumption of illegal drugs. This makes my circumstance (ie, depression) different from your son's, in that I did not have such a loving, concerned parent. But regardless, I would have given anything, at the time, for the knowledge and insight that I have now, just to lose the weight. So my first thought is, let your son read the books you are reading, himself, so he is not getting his information from The Parent. Remember how much YOU listened to your parents?

Next, I remember that eating was one of my chiefest sources of pleasure. I grew up very isolated from my peers, probably because I was working so hard to hide my parents' activities from my schoolmates... but I think it is very hard for teenagers to feel isolated for even the simplest reasons, like not fitting in. It's part of that struggle to discover one's own identity and probably a very important one, but I'd draw a line when it starts to cause problems that might end up in life-long ill health. And that is exactly what you intend to do, whether you realise it outright or not.

Is there anything that your son likes to do that doesn't involve food? Skateboarding, rollerblading? Keeping fish? When I started my first LC diet at age 14 (barely knowing what it really was, and having NO idea who Atkins was), I remember very clearly having to distract myself from wanting to eat. My usual activity was to read fiction with a pile of snacks nearby (Saltines were my favorite!). I was fortunate in starting that diet: we were moving, and I was changing schools, which gave me a temporary opportunity to reinvent myself. I lost 30lbs over the summer, so I started sports in the fall. Getting into shape was hard at first, but once I did, I did my best to stay there for almost a decade. The internet was my downfall, but that's another story. *grin*

I'm a little distracted by my kids, so I hope I remembered to say everything that I thought when I initially read your post. One last thing: I would have given ANYTHING to have a parent like you. Of course, I say this in retrospect, because I am 100% certain that I would have had the same reaction to you that you describe of your son.

Even at age 4, my son does not celebrate my 'Love' when I refuse to give him a second bowl of cereal for breakfast. Nor does my daughter, and they are DOING IT RIGHT NOW!

Hope this helps!

Erin Ptacek

[moth]

Ooops, I meant to say "I think it's very EASY for teenagers to feel isolated..."

[Sanny]

Hi :roll: I have a 7yr old daughter who would eat junk food morning, noon and night if allowed. We have always tried to keep an eye on what she eats but, to be honest, we were not strict enough. At the moment she is ok weight wise, poss could do with losing 5-6 Ibs but I was very overweight as a child and was bullied because of it. I do not want the same thing to happen to her so the buck stops with us! Trying hard to explain to her that she needs to eat healthily without mentioning the "fat" word. Isn't it crazy how sensitive even very young children are about their weight! My husband and I are both lowcarbing and she see's us eating healthily, no more fast food and, it is beginning to rub off on her. Obviously due to her age she still needs her bread and pasta etc but she is gradually cutting down on the sugar as I won't have it in the house anymore. Like other replies, I give her a choice of 2 or 3 things (not what she wants) and make sure all options are healthy. We have had many screaming matches and tantrums but I am determined she will not suffer as I did. Good luck, I know it is not easy!!

[DannysMom3]

All I can say is that if your 14 year old doesn't want to eat what you cook - he is old enough to do it himself! YOU are his parent - as my mother always told me - I'm the dog, you're the tail, and the tail doesn't wag the dog!

[Lisa N]

Tough topic! I have to cast my vote with the "let him make the high carb foods himself" group. Unless he plans to eat all his meals at McDonalds when he's grown, he'll need to learn some basic cooking skills eventually and at 14 he's plently old enough to learn. How about showing him your love, but teaching him to cook his own meals? That would also give you an opportunity to discuss basic nutrition and what a growing boy's body needs to be healthy and fit.
Of greater concern to me is the emotional blackmail and manipulation that appears to be going on. That needs to be nipped in the bud or it will only continue and in other areas besides breakfast as well. How you handle that is up to you, but if it were my kids, I'd take the direct approach and point out the behavior while it was happening saying, "What you are doing is called manipulation. It's not appropriate and I'm not buying it".
My girls are 8 and 9 and have learned by now that badgering and manipulation is the quickest way to get a very firm, "NO!" from me as well as time out (doesn't stop them from trying, but that behavior is becoming less frequent because it never gets them what they want). Disrespectul tones and attitudes will get them some time in their room to think about it as well. I'm not an overly harsh parent, but I will not be treated with disrespect by my children.
Kids are smart and will learn quickly the best way to get what they want, whether it be tears, tantrums, badgering or manipulation. Our job as a parent is to say yes when we can and no when what our kids want is not in their best interest. It's a dirty job, but if we don't do it, nobody else will.

[moth]

Something that has been bugging me about this, lately -- I found out that there are soda and snack machines in schools. Apparently the large soda companies offer kickbacks to schools for being allowed to place their machines in the public schools.
My kids are only 4 and 2, and even now I struggle with keeping their sugar intake moderate. Since I am on the border of being diabetic, I have that additional concern that my kids could be at risk for it themselves.
Perhaps someday we will be suing food manufacturers the same way smokers were suing (and winning against) the tobacco purveyors in the last decade.
Erin

[potatofree]

People are already suing fast food restaurants...and I think it's wrong. Nobody is tricking or forcing people into eating foods they know will make them fat or unhealthy...who BUYS the Happy Meal for a two year old?

Our school does get a break from the soft drink companies for having the machines in the school, but they are turned OFF except for after school hours and during basketball games. There are also rules about a certain percent of the offerings have to be bottled water and fruit juice. You can't FORCE the kids to choose them, but suprisingly, they sell as well as the sugary things!

I keep treats in the house, but have largely cut out refined sugar and white bread, etc.. At first I tried being militant about it, but it backfired!! The forbidden fruit that tastes especially sweet... when I backed off, I was amazed to see they ate the veggies I had cut up for snacking (I pretended they were "special" for ME.....and they disappeared!) and left the chips languishing in the pantry except for the occasional handful.

What worked for me may not work for everybody, but my 18-yr-old survived it, and is normal weight, navigating the perils of college eating pretty well! My 12-yr-old would LOVE it if I let him eat sugar all day, but tests me on ALL levels to see how much he can get away with....it's a kid thing, I guess!

We all have to make the choices we feel are best...it's not easy is it?

[diemde]

I have a 17 yr old daughter and wish I had understood lc when she was much younger. 14 yr olds are a tough lot! The "Mom doesn't know anything" attitude will get better - it's just a phase...

I have tried to stick to l/c before but the weekends trip me up.

I would suggest you delve into why they trip you up. If it's making the pancakes and you are tempted to eat them, maybe you should eat your breakfast before making the kids theirs. Reminding yourself why you are doing this and taking advantage of your eating times may help in this area.

I On the weekends my 14 year old expects me to cook him breakfast.

You've set that expectation, right? It takes 21-28 days to make or break a habit. I would suggest you really think about whether or not you want to continue making breakfast on the weekends, and then set the expectation accordingly. I would not recommend you make the distinction that you will only cook a lc breakfast because that may alienate your son to lc being good for him.

He doesn't like eggs and bacon much. He wants pancakes, waffles or donuts...

It seems to me he is wanting sweet breakfasts. In general, sweet breakfasts don't have to be made from grains (baked goods). My daughter eats yogurt for breakfast quite a bit. You might try the mock danish in the recipe forum. Maybe think "out of the box" for some other breakfast ideas. As a kid, I used to eat hamburgers for breakfast sometimes.

...and he makes me feel like a horrible person for not wanting that junk in the house.

No, you are making yourself feel horrible. You might want to analyse this a bit. Why do you feel guilty because you want healthy foods? Do you think that you are denying them something by not having junk food around? Or are you helping them to a healthier lifestyle? In 5 years, he'll thank you for it!

He is really overweight (maybe 30 lbs) and could benefit by this, but he is not interested. I know he's embarrased by his weight. He is failing P.E. because he won't change clothes in front of the other kids. He also always wears a jacket or vest even when it's hot. But when I try to casually bring up the topic of weight loss, he shuts me out.

My daughter was the exactly same way. In 7th grade she wore her jacket everyday, all day at school. I couldn't get through to her. She did stop during the summer, so this will pass. Also, she would change for gym in the bathroom stalls.

I'm a single mom, so I can't afford to buy all this extra junk food for him. And I really don't want it in the house. How can I convince him to eat healthier and help both us us lose weight?

I am a single parent too and I know how hard it is to be both the "good" guy and the "bad" guy. When my daughter was that age, it seemed like I was always the bad guy. I think about age 15-16 she started coming back around and I was the good guy once in awhile.

My daughter is sitting here while I type this and is telling me that my weight loss is what has motivated her to start this WOE. She and I both agree that the best thing is to not discuss his weight, but to just continue on your path to losing weight. Also, keep learning to cook healthy lc meals so that when he is at home eating, he'll at least get the right foods there. Hopefully, he will begin to grow out of the weight as he gets taller.

My daughter also wants me to have you tell him that middle schoolers are are "little $***heads". [Those are her words, not mine, LOL]. By the time he starts high school, this type of behavior from the other kids should stop.

Hope this will help. Good luck.

[DannysMom3]

Moth - FYI, California just past legislation banning soda machines in public schools, in order to combat the state's obesity rates!

[itsalguod]

ok, i just have to toss my two cents worth in.

I am not a single parent however I do have 3 wonderfull step-children.(I only add that because of the content of this.)
Their mother used to let them eat what ever they wanted after school and for dinner. To the point she would even cook 3 different things....I understand she was try to compensate and show her love. However it was detrimenatal to 2 of the kids. The oldest (a girl) and the middle (boy) they both have a different body type and metabolism ;than their brother. My daughter was a size 12 in womens when in 6th grade. She would not change in front of anyone. walked around with her hads up around her and very self concious. She is now 14 and has slimmed down to a size 9. This is in part that she plays a lot of soccer....5-6 times a week for a couple hours each. ... I am happy for her. We dont always eat right here at home. In fact I was 135 in 97 and now 189. I am the one who cooks meals. All of my children know that what I fix is what there is to eat. Sometimes I fix stuff they dont really like and they may say so, and if it turns out to really be that bad I dont make it again. However if its not so bad then we doctor it up some. I dont always expect them to eat what I want so I do try to fix stuff they like also. They get cereal and I dont. They get pancakes I dont.
However they will taste what I make and if that is something they like they are more than welcome to have it. I made the mock french toast the other morning and my daughter said it wasnt bad, and she does not like eggs either....
And for dinner I have been making low carb things.
I guess what I am trying to say is.....dont let him demand anything of you. You are the adult and need to be in control of your home. You may offer what you wish. I dont know if you have used the recipe section of this site or not but I have found it very helpful....When I come across something that sounds strange I just keep an openmind and try it. So far it works pretty well..My daughter is sometimes my toughest critics but at the same time she can be the most helpful. She will usually be honest, even if it sometimes hurts. She thinks I am strange with some of this stuff but is there. So maybe just take sometime with him and laugh about what you find here. I know I have rambled but there are so many thoughts running through my head..

TIP*******can find small BBQ drip pans make meals for 2 and freeze....... :roll:

[itsalguod]

ok sorry that was about 2 dollars worth. hope it helps.

[LadyBelle]

However they will taste what I make and if that is something they like they are more than welcome to have it.

My son will really suprise me on some of the LC things he likes to eat. I was amazed he ate lamb meat, protien bars, and a few other unusuall things. Maybe by having them experiment with foods young, they will be more open minded to trying new things as adults too.

[itsalguod]

My daughter made a LC PeanutButter Choc. Pie for all of us on friday and it was really good. Even my boys liked it.
I hope things are going well for you.

[Mua'Dib]

This may have already been said but he has no right to expect you to cook him all this junk food and put you on a guilt trip if you don't. Cook him what you eat. If he doesn't want it then he goes hungry.

[BlitzedAng]

The hard task was showing my 4 children a new way of making better choices.. They were all for it once they saw me eating cheese sticks, jello, and steak-umms. (LOL) they have been great :)

[Porcellino]

What I'm about to write may sound harsh, but it comes from experience and learning the hard way. I think the issue goes deeper than food. You are teaching your son a way of relating and getting what he wants by manipulation and trying to make you feel bad. This will extend out in the world and he will act this way with others, who may or may not put up with it with consequences that I am sure you don't wish for him. If he is overweight already, you are not doing him any favors in the long run by keeping high calorie/fat foods in the house, but making him happy in the moment and relieving you of being the 'bad guy'.

This may or may not apply to you, so if it doesn't, call me nasty names and forget this post :), but, I was a single parent for 7 years before I married my husband. My child has special needs, and because of some pretty heavy guilt that I felt (too long a story for this forum) I unwittingly gave in to a lot of his demands and taught him to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted. It took some 'heavy lifting' to change the way I parented and there were some rough patches when he realized (he is now almost 14) he could no longer demand or push me around, but he is a better and nicer human being for it. I still catch myself now and then slipping back into old patterns but overall, things are happier, and I am stronger. I know it is not easy, in fact it can be mind numbingly hard in a way that only someone who has been there can understand. I wish you all the best, you deserve to be treated with love and respect by your child, but he has to learn that from you and how you allow him to treat you.

p.s. if it's not in the house, it won't get eaten
p.s.s. child services never took a child from the home because there were no doughnuts :)