Self Esteem Down in the dumps

[Talon]

Today I found out that I have been passed over yet again for that promotion that my boss has been dangling in front of me for several years. I do more than my job description calls for, I am dependable, always there.

I am still having feelsing it because of my weight. About two years ago I went looking for another position - and all the phone interviews went well and the people seemed very ethusiastic about my skill set and setting up an in person interview. But after meeting them, their entuusiasm waned a great deal.

I;ve told my HR department that I am not happy, and I would like some consideration. But the truth is, I am AFRAID of looking for a new job - I am afraid of those reactions again.

Sure I've lost weight, but 2 years ago when I looked for a new job, I wasn't at my highest weight.

I'm just feeling really down right now. And wondering whats "wrong" with me.

[Nems]

Hi Talon,
I'm really sorry you got passed up for the promotion. Ya know, it could be your weight but I don't think so. Usually when a boss does this it's because they feel threatened. They don't want someone to take their job so they keep their prize employees hidden. Not all bosses are like this, just the ones who don't know what their doing and depend on their employees to make them shine which evidently you are one of them.

There are many companies who would love someone who knows what they are doing and dependable to boot. There not many out there anymore who take pride in their work.

I personally wouldn't work for someone who didn't appreciate my work and gave me yearly bonuses and promotions. That's how it was when I worked.

You take care. He's the idiot...not you. :D

[lucylu]

Hi Talon,
Let them promote someone who isn't as qualified as you are. It's their loss when that person can't do the job. I certainly don't think you should pick up any of the slack. It may be your weight, but I think it is because they know what you can and can't do in the office, they just want to see how long you will put up with it. I have just started looking for a job, today was my first time out. I knew where I was going(5min down the road) it took me forty minutes to talk myself into going. I am 191 lbs. and I let my weight hold me back. I was proud after I left from applying. With every application and interview you fill out or attend, your confidence will build. keep up the good work on the weight loss, you've come a long way!!! :angel:

[TeriDoodle]

Talon, I'm so sorry. :(

Have you asked your boss why you were passed over? If not, I think you should. Tell him you want an honest answer so that you can improve the areas he's concerned about....that you are very interested in advancing your career and wondering what it is you're "missing". Even if you don't apply those answers to your current job, it may give you a hint as to what employers look for in that particular position.

Is it a management or supervisory position? Perhaps he simply thinks you're not aggressive or "tough" enough....something like that. I know you've said in the past that you don't wear makeup....maybe you need to concentrate on "polishing" your appearance. I'm an executive secretary, so I have to pay very careful attention to those details or I'd never be able to hold the position I do. Perhaps its time to buy some new clothes that fit nicely! :) Could the issue be something like that? I doubt it's only your weight!! You're a skinny-minny now!! :D

[DWRolfe]

...I agree totally that it's important to find out what the reason is. As hard as it might be to ask (or hear), you will otherwise create your own possible scenario that may have nothing to do with the truth of the matter and will sabotage your own self esteem...

It's hard to say without knowing your boss, but I really doubt that weight is the issue. You're clearly an intelligent and capable person. Have you noticed your boss place mega-importance on appearance with others?

Teri is also right about not being assertive enough. If it's a position that would require you to make some hard-nosed, unpopular decisions, he may feel you're "too nice". That has happened to me in the past. And I can be very mean (for a teddy bear)...

Honestly, I know many women that are very much over weight and have positions of authority and responsibilty. Does discrimination exisit? Absolutely! But I don't think you should jump to that conclusion until you request some time with your boss to find out why you were passed over. If indeed he dangled it before you, he's obligated as a manager to tell you why he's denying you the carrot.

Be proactive and confident.

Sorry for this bummage...

Donald :wave:

[Atriana]

I agree with everyone else about asking your boss what the reason was. It is better to know the real reason than to imagine all the different scenarios.
Also, if you are not happy where you are the only thing that can change that is you. Yes, job hunting can be an experience filled with rejection. But, if you are rejected 10 times and on the 11th interview find a job you are thrilled with - wouldn't it be worth it?

[Talon]

Thanks everyone! :bhug:

Yes Terri it would be a management position - but I already have 1 person reporting to me, and am the lead in several major projects that I manage. Donald, I do tend to be a "happy happy" person, but I feel I can/have made the tough decision when I have to. However, my boss is in another state, and may not see that since I am not with him, and just talk on the phone daily.

With that it is hard to have a good serious talk on the phoen! I've talked to him in past years about my career, and he has told me that I am doing nothing "wrong" and the only thing that he could see that is I would need to take some management courses (par for the course at my company). I've tried to schedule some in the past year, but he keeps putting off approving them.

Your also right Terri, that I've not worn much/any makeup in the past - but since I've gotten my hair cut and out of the pony tail :) I've been wearing makeup (fondation, eye liner, masacara - a little blush) My company does put a a bit of not-so strong empasis on looks - after all I work for a "beauty" company - pictures of models everywhere.

I didn't have a chance to talk more in depth, he told me this while on the phone - I was at my desk/cubicle - not exactly prime area for a heart-to-heart on my end. I talked with my local HR person, and he suggested I talk with my boss and tell him exactly my concerns (again) - which I had planned to do any - soon as I can get him on the phone. :)

Donald you bring up a good point, I need to be more confident in myself - I am very good at what I do, and others think so too - I just need to have more confidence in myself and stand up and crow about it more.

Atriana you are right, I am going to polish up my resume this weekend, and start hunting in earnest after the first of the year.

[SueJ]

I'm a hiring manager for a very large help desk. I've had as many as 140 people working with me.

Let me assure you that weight is probably on the bottom of the list as far as reasons for not promoting someone.

I was given some very good advice when I was on my way up the ladder. The president of my company, knowing I was up for promotion, scolded me for not being more visible. I did my job 110%, totally remainded focused, never missed a day, etc., but no one new I was around. He encouraged me to get out on the floor, have opinions, get involved. It took away from my focus of my duties (or so I thought) but made me more visible to the other management of the company.

There's an incredible amount of truth in this. You've got to sell yourself, and you can only do that by being visible. Have an opinion: it doesn't even matter if you are right, just that you are not afraid of speaking up and taking a stand. Stay open to suggestion, praise those around you. Never put someone down who may be your competition. It makes you look bad.

This all worked for me! I've reached my goals, and now have my sights on greater goals. I'm overweight, I'm short, and I have a large nose! All those things contributed to a low self-esteem which contributed to me actually trying to be invisible. I thought everyone would just "know" I was doing a good job. Nope. I had to stand up and be noticed.

Good luck moving up!

[deb_o]

What a great point you bring up, Sue. I never thought about it, but you really DO need to "toot your own horn", so to speak. Especially, Talon, since your boss isn't there to see what you're doing. (I can't imagine that works very well).