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[kokonut5fe]

Hello, my name is maria, and i've had a eating disorder for about 4 years.... I've tried to stop, telling myself that I'm normal, but I just can't stop binging and purging... When I eat, low carb or high, i eat in large amounts... i just can't stop... but when i don't eat, i can go on for several days without food...
i can't live like this... my whole life revolves around my appearance... i don't like to go out cuz i think i look too fat and ugly.. my life is worthless..... i can't keep living like this... but no matter how hard i try, i just can't stop. i try and try and try... but nothing.... nothing is working... i don't want doctors.. i am too embarrassed.... when i hear about people with eating disorders, i see a thin, stick-like person.. but me.. i'm not even thin, and i have a disorder... i feel stupid.... i have a disorder, and noone can tell because i'm still fat....
i don't know what to do.

please help. anybody.

-maria-

[Rosebud]

Hi Maria,

Congratulations on being brave enough to take the first step by admitting you have a problem.

Now, my dear, it's time to take the second step. I think the fact that you have had this eating disorder for 4 years proves that you need professional help to recover.

Would you be embarrassed to go to a doctor if you had a stomach disorder? This is not really any different. Your doctor is the first person to see. I'd like you to ask him/her to refer you to a counsellor who specializes in eating disorders.

I don't know how old you are Maria, but if you are still at school you could see if there is a school counsellor who may be able to help.

I wish you the very best, my dear, but remember, you have to be brave enough to take that next step. You can do it!

:rose:Rosebud:rose:

[kokonut5fe]

Thank you Rosebud..

I'm 18 right now... I am taking a year off to work full time for my tuition fee....

i just binged and purged... right at work... i started off by eating a little bit of almonds... than ate the whole bag that my co worker brought.. which was at least 300 grams.... and i ate instant cup noodles, large fries, granola bar after that....
then went to the bathroom.... and cried...

i know it may sound silly to say that i'm so embarrased, even though there are lots of people out there like me... but i never thought i would be like this... i used to see magazines with skinny models, and i was disgusted by them... but when i see them now.. the only thing i want is to be just like them...

i'm so frustrated... i'm so angry...

i hate comparing myself with people when i go out, but that's all i can do!

i hate to see a doctor... i just can't face him/her...
please... can anyone suggest something else??

[Rosebud]

Marie honey, I really feel for you.

First of all, have a look at this website, Normal Eating. (http://www.mirror-mirror.org/noreat.htm)

However, I feel you are not going to get any better until you seek professional help. Would it feel better if you see a doctor who is a stranger? I know it is going to be very hard for you, but as I said before you've taken the first step and I'm sure that was hard, too.

And please don't hate yourself. You are worth more than that. :there:

:rose:Rosebud:rose:

[Lessara]

That was an excellent site! I wish I had that information when I was younger!

I really feel for you, Maria. I was a binge person when I was in high school. It was really tough. I ate because all my friends ate. We used to meet at a local McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts and unlike my friends, my body couldn't deal with sugar. I would gain quick pounds if I didn't purge. During that time I though I was alone. Years later I was talking to a friend from that time and she was telling me how she was binging and purging too! Imagine that? If I could have said something maybe I wouldn't have started such a bad habit. Isn't hind sight beautiful??

Live each day on its own merit. Live meal to meal and try and follow a menu for the day. That way you won't worry. Eat only what the menu says. You can find many menus here on this site as well as on the web. Make a journal here and we can see how you are doing. You can do this. Its a hard journey but it can be done. :thup:

[agonycat]

Maria,

15 years ago I was hospitalized. My problem? Bulimia. I like you would binge and purge. At the time I weighed 123 pounds on my 5'6" frame. Over wieght? Not by a long shot. Rail thin? Nope. My husband saw me as fat though, and kept pushing me to lose more weight. Problem was I wasn't nurishing my body because I would purge it out before it had a chance to absorb any nutrients.

Do yourself a huge favor. Seek counseling before you too end up in a hospital. I have been on the other side of feeding tubes and it isn't fun. Trust me on this one. Confide with your personal phyisian, but get some type of help. My nails and hair have yet to recover from the damage I caused by years of abuse. If I want long beautiful nails, I have to go to the nail place and have the artificals put on.

You are not "fat" by any stretch. You have a bad body image of yourself that needs to be checked. Feel out of shape? Get thee to a gym. Nothing like being firm and toned up.

It has taken me years to heal both mentally and phyiscally. I don't think I will ever fully recover from the disorder, but it is now in check.

Like I said. Do yourself a huge favor before it's too late. Seek medical help.

[Karen]

Hi Maria!

I must congratulate you on realizing that you want to change and talking about it here.

It sounds like you need a safe place. A place where you can feel free to talk about your self and not be judged.

Have you ever heard of Overeaters Anonymous? Nothing is required to go to a meeting - there is no charge - except a desire to stop overeating compulsively.

Unlike other organizations, OA is not just about weight loss, obesity or diets; it addresses physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. It is not a religious organization and does not promote any particular diet.

Here's the link to Overeaters Anonymous (http://www.overeatersanonymous.org/).

You CAN overcome it.

Karen

[kokonut5fe]

Thanks everybody..
i don't know what to say ..
but to be completely honest, i don't think i will be doing the things said here so far..
maybe i'm stubborn? maybe a part of me like this way of life??
........

[Karen]

please help. anybody.

What kind of help did you want then?

There is no magic wand or pill you can take that will make everything better. You are the only person that can decide to change.

Playing the cat and mouse game is part of the disease that you have.

Karen

[kokonut5fe]

Karen,
Sorry.... i know i need help....
i'm so frustrating, huh??
.... sigh.....

i hear about people who have overcome ED, and have gained many many pounds while recovering...
i don't want that to happen...
i'm scared..

[Karen]

Learning how to eat sanely will not make you gain weight but overcoming an eating disorder won't happen overnight. YOur thoughts and actions have landed you here, and changing your thoughts and actions is the way to overcome an ED.

You have to realize that you can't do it without help. Having a buddy is a good thing but it's not enough.

An ED is a horrible, progressive disease. That means it gets worse as time goes on.

Imagine yourself in your 20's, living free and clear of it. It's possible if you are willing.

I think you may want to get yourself to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting today. Open the phone book...

Karen

[kokonut5fe]

Karen. thank you...
i live in vancouver like yourself~ and will (i promise!) find a support group to overcome my disorder~
although i am not completely convinced that i will be happier in my new way of life, i think i owe it to myself to try..

i have a question... i have had this disorder on and off for about 4 years.... i've been on different diets for maybe 6 years....
will it be long before my metabolism is normal again? will it be long for me to heal my body?

thank you~

[asugar]

Maria, My neice was about your size (maybe slighter shorter), and age and had bulemia. She finally got professional help and was able to overcome it. It took quite a while for her to get professional help b/c she wouldn't even admit then that she had a problem. The bulemia kept her thin, but did not make her pretty at the time because it totally ruined her teeth. She has since had extensive dental work done and did not gain any weight. In fact, she's about 10 pounds lighter than she was when she was bulemic and she looks beautiful. She controls her weight through diet and exercise and hasn't been bulemic in well over 10 years, so I assure you, there is help. You just have to take that first step and get it. Good luck to you.
asugar :wave:

[jaykay]

You're doing well Maria, naming the problem and facing the fear that keeps you stuck there are definitely the first steps in overcoming it.
I hear you about being scared of putting weight on but there's no reason why you should.

Being scared is horrid but the only way to get rid of fear is to do the thing you're scared of. It sounds back to front, but its the only way that works. Waiting for fear to go, so that you can do something, doesn't work, it leaves you trapped by the fear.
Doing what you're frightened of is the only way to beat it. You do it, through sheer willpower and all of a sudden, the fear has gone.

As for being happier once your eating disorder is gone, well that depends on lots of things. Its a bit like me saying I'll be happier when I'm slim.
Both things might help a bit, but real happiness comes from liking and accepting yourself - and that takes work if your self-esteem is damaged, as it seems it might be. You may need some counselling type help with this too, which you will also get at the OA group or you could see a counsellor separately.

Your metabolism will mend fast because you're young. Eating a sensible diet and exercising regularly but not obsessively will soon have it back to normal - this takes longer as you get older, so some of us wrinklies are having to work at this one - it shouldn't be too much of a problem for you.

You've got all the possibilities in the world ahead of you - good for you for setting out on your adult life by mending yourself and regaining your health. I wish you all the very best, you're a very brave girl, lots of love and hugs from across the Atlantic.
take care, Jay :wave:

[kokonut5fe]

Thank you asugar for writing about your niece.....
I am lucky that my teeth hasn't been completely ruined yet....
I have been so scared to see my dentist for a while, thinking that he would find out what I have done,... But i think i need to go now... before i ruin my teeth even more~
I'm glad your niece is doing well.... I hope I can do as well as she did.... you must be so proud of her for overcoming her disorder..
i want to do whats good for my body too ... i want to see myself as beautiful.... thank you.

Jay, i am so relieved to know that in time (hopefully soon) i will be normal again.... thank you thank you thank you~
I just wish I can be more confident about myself....
I guess everything takes time.... but I'm so impatient...

I am relieved.... so relieved....

It's not that i haven't heard all these advices before, but today, I feel different~ i feel ... happy....

Thank you all... I truly appreciate it...

-Maria-