Tinakaye
Tue, May-08-01, 09:03
I wrote this as a reply to someone asking about motivations and what keeps me going. I thought I would go ahead and post it here as well in the hopes that it might to help motivate or just help someone here.
I sit here with a 1000 different starts to this email, as Im really unsure of how to start or whateven to say! (imagine that!)
I guess on some level there is nothing you can do thin, that you can't do while heavier to some degree. But due to general health and fitness then you can do most things better.
But I really can't tell where you are coming from but can see your fear in being smaller. I can't help but wonder what your hiding from as when I've been heavy I've always wanted to be thinner!
I feel so much stronger, fit and more healthy now that Im smaller and yes,even more "powerful" I know now that I can rely and trust my body to do what it is that I want it to do, without the fear of failure or looking like a nincompoop!
As far as motivation goes. It has to come from within. Yes I could have stopped losing weight when I was a size 10-12 as that is the "average" size nowadays. But for me that would be like stopping 10 feet from the goal line of a marathon. At one point, yes that would have been "good enough" but thankfully I started food journaling and that helped me to see just how much
I turned to food for comfort, for love, for affirmation, and for safety. For me anyway a size 12 was all about being safe. I was no longer considered obese and looked like a typical average woman.
When I was a size 18-20 I felt that everyone looked at me and just seen my fat, when I was a size 12 I felt invisible. I think we only notice the extremes and not the averages. The real motivation for me came when I started weight training. I noticed muscles where before I only seen fat. I felt strong and vibrant,to see what my body was capable of. And realized that "good enough" wasn't good enough anymore. I can't be "perfect" but I can be the best that I can be. And I didn't want to hide from myself or others any longer. I didn't want to be "invisible"
So yes, Anything I do now I could have did then, BUT I didn't allow myself to do it. I sat on the sidelines instead of playing. Not only in sports or fun activities, but in life!
I can remember taking my boys roller-skating. I sat and watched them and cheered them on, but in my heart I wanted to be skating with them, to whirl around the rink and act silly and goofy BUT let that fear consume me. Would their fat mom embarrass them? Would those bratty teenagers give me "that look"? Would I fall down and EVERYONE look and wonder what that fat woman
was doing on the rink? Would my face be bright purple because I was so out of shape? All these thoughts would force me or immobilize me into sitting right there.... Now being fit, I can get up and skate with them :) Yes I still might fall down, people still might look at me funny but it no longer matters to me. Yes most of that is the mental weight, but that was my biggest problem and barrier to losing weight.
I've said I know a 1000 times that the mental weight has been much harder for me to lose then the physical weight. And that is so true for me anyway. Fat kept me from living my life, from having fun and kept me prisoner in my own body. And in losing this mental weight, I now can trust my body and know
that I will not gain the weight back this time. I like myself for the first time ever in my life. Losing the weight helped me to find me. Who I am, what I like and not to be afraid of life and to participate in life.
Man, I know im rambling but.... hehehe anyone can choose not to read my words if they like :)
Yes, I've gotten to goal before, twice even ;) only to gain weight right back the moment I hit goal. Why you ask? Well I didn't do any of the mental work necessary before. And I like you didn't know what thin people did! I acted out in very dangerous ways and was like a kite blowing in the wind! That was scary for me so.... eat, eat, eat because that was safe and I felt more "responsible" and yet again this word, "safe" in my heavier body. I knew how to be a heavy person, I knew how to dislike myself....
This time I've learned what and how a thinner Tinakaye can do, how she can act and what she can wear And how not to let myself hide from food but to deal with it responsibly. I find my own strength instead of being afraid of it. I can take pride in my appearance and not think im a "bad girl" for being attractive. Its a learning process, Im not "there" yet and still learn more things about myself everyday. But its been one heck of a journey so
far, and Im looking forward to learning new strengths that I never knew I had.
Its not about how my husband looks at me now ( but I do like that!) or even how my sons look at me now. Its how I see myself now that keeps me motivated and on track. Its much more fun to like yourself
I hope on some level that I have answered your question and helped you tosee some possibilities.
I sit here with a 1000 different starts to this email, as Im really unsure of how to start or whateven to say! (imagine that!)
I guess on some level there is nothing you can do thin, that you can't do while heavier to some degree. But due to general health and fitness then you can do most things better.
But I really can't tell where you are coming from but can see your fear in being smaller. I can't help but wonder what your hiding from as when I've been heavy I've always wanted to be thinner!
I feel so much stronger, fit and more healthy now that Im smaller and yes,even more "powerful" I know now that I can rely and trust my body to do what it is that I want it to do, without the fear of failure or looking like a nincompoop!
As far as motivation goes. It has to come from within. Yes I could have stopped losing weight when I was a size 10-12 as that is the "average" size nowadays. But for me that would be like stopping 10 feet from the goal line of a marathon. At one point, yes that would have been "good enough" but thankfully I started food journaling and that helped me to see just how much
I turned to food for comfort, for love, for affirmation, and for safety. For me anyway a size 12 was all about being safe. I was no longer considered obese and looked like a typical average woman.
When I was a size 18-20 I felt that everyone looked at me and just seen my fat, when I was a size 12 I felt invisible. I think we only notice the extremes and not the averages. The real motivation for me came when I started weight training. I noticed muscles where before I only seen fat. I felt strong and vibrant,to see what my body was capable of. And realized that "good enough" wasn't good enough anymore. I can't be "perfect" but I can be the best that I can be. And I didn't want to hide from myself or others any longer. I didn't want to be "invisible"
So yes, Anything I do now I could have did then, BUT I didn't allow myself to do it. I sat on the sidelines instead of playing. Not only in sports or fun activities, but in life!
I can remember taking my boys roller-skating. I sat and watched them and cheered them on, but in my heart I wanted to be skating with them, to whirl around the rink and act silly and goofy BUT let that fear consume me. Would their fat mom embarrass them? Would those bratty teenagers give me "that look"? Would I fall down and EVERYONE look and wonder what that fat woman
was doing on the rink? Would my face be bright purple because I was so out of shape? All these thoughts would force me or immobilize me into sitting right there.... Now being fit, I can get up and skate with them :) Yes I still might fall down, people still might look at me funny but it no longer matters to me. Yes most of that is the mental weight, but that was my biggest problem and barrier to losing weight.
I've said I know a 1000 times that the mental weight has been much harder for me to lose then the physical weight. And that is so true for me anyway. Fat kept me from living my life, from having fun and kept me prisoner in my own body. And in losing this mental weight, I now can trust my body and know
that I will not gain the weight back this time. I like myself for the first time ever in my life. Losing the weight helped me to find me. Who I am, what I like and not to be afraid of life and to participate in life.
Man, I know im rambling but.... hehehe anyone can choose not to read my words if they like :)
Yes, I've gotten to goal before, twice even ;) only to gain weight right back the moment I hit goal. Why you ask? Well I didn't do any of the mental work necessary before. And I like you didn't know what thin people did! I acted out in very dangerous ways and was like a kite blowing in the wind! That was scary for me so.... eat, eat, eat because that was safe and I felt more "responsible" and yet again this word, "safe" in my heavier body. I knew how to be a heavy person, I knew how to dislike myself....
This time I've learned what and how a thinner Tinakaye can do, how she can act and what she can wear And how not to let myself hide from food but to deal with it responsibly. I find my own strength instead of being afraid of it. I can take pride in my appearance and not think im a "bad girl" for being attractive. Its a learning process, Im not "there" yet and still learn more things about myself everyday. But its been one heck of a journey so
far, and Im looking forward to learning new strengths that I never knew I had.
Its not about how my husband looks at me now ( but I do like that!) or even how my sons look at me now. Its how I see myself now that keeps me motivated and on track. Its much more fun to like yourself
I hope on some level that I have answered your question and helped you tosee some possibilities.