Shame, self-loathing and sex drive

[RosieGirl]

Hey people...

I'm baring this, hoping a few of you can relate...

I am one of those people who, when they got chubby and overweight, felt embarrassment and shame in showing their body to their partner. I would sometimes try to avoid being naked with him, avoid intimacy. I am certain that my hang-ups and issues have impacted negatively on our sex life (so unfair on him, who has only ever been sweet, loving and accepting of me), because I have been selfishly pre-occupied with how I was being perceived.

Man, when you write it down it just sounds soooo horrible and unfair. We spoke about it once, and he was telling me that he thought I wasn't attracted to him anymore, which wasn't at all true... he couldn't believe that I was hating on myself like that.

Now I'm losing the weight I know my bod is looking great and my confidence has improved in loads of areas, but this whole feeling is hard to shake off.

Girls... if you were ever like me, how did you get your sexual confidence back?

[kimmie67]

I had the same issues. I went out and bought myself the sexiest nightie I could find and watched my man's eyes light up. Made me feel like the sexiest woman in the world. It also helps when I over hear him telling other people how beautiful I am. Little compliments go a long way.

[Marcia Mae]

Just take it slow, it will come back. I was the same way, still am but not as bad. Before I wouldn't even let hubby see me in my underwear. I've gotten a little better though, not dancing around naked by any means. I'm sill a little uncomfortable being naked, but at least I do get naked now. The other day we took a shower together, that was a big accomplishment for me. I sound like such a prude, but really I'm not.

[erinleigh]

For me its always been one step at a time! As the weight starts to melt away and DH compliments me and that helps! Knowing the he can tell that I am going in the direction I want helps boost my confidence and then the rest follows!

[Citruskiss]

I met my husband when I was at my highest weight ever. He was (and still seems to be) crazy about me. At my perceived 'worst' - he made me feel absolutely beautiful.

It was then that I realized that what I'm thinking and what he's thinking are two different things.

Also - something to consider... we're all very susceptible to thinking it's "us" when things aren't happening, so to speak. So even if you've mentioned to your partner that you're feeling shy and whatnot, chances are - he may be having doubts as to his own attractiveness and desireability. It's a natural human response - we think, "He doesn't like me anymore..." or "She's just not interested in me anymore" etc.

So, in view of this - I would suggest a good 'way through' this awkwardness and discomfort that you're feeling is to focus on your partner. Even if you feel bad or weird, don't forget to mention if you think he looks particularly good in a certain outfit or whatever. Compliment him and do what you can to help him feel like you still think he's the most wonderful and attractive person ever. Pay attention to him, and I think this will go a long way towards getting your own confidence back. It's also a very good way to 'get out of your own head' so to speak. (distraction works well!)

Sounds weird, but I think it might work.

Every time you feel bad about how your body looks or if you find yourself avoiding 'situations' - try to remember how easy and human it is for all of us to start doubting ourselves. Even though you may have mentioned this to him, chances are - he's occasionally thinking, "She's not all that attracted to me anymore..." or what have you.

This doesn't mean you suddenly have to start parading around the house and so on - it just means paying some extra attention to your partner, as a way through this negative body-image stuff that you're experiencing.

What do you think of this idea? No pressure - no need to suddenly become ultra-confident with prancing around the house or anything like that - but just give him some extra attention, in an effort to sort of side-step your own temporarily negative body image.

[Citruskiss]

Wanted to post again - because I was worried that my post wasn't all that clear.

I am not suggesting trying to butter him up or make up for anything, what I'm really trying to say is that if you feel bad about yourself - maybe distracting yourself by taking a good, long, appreciative look at him might help a great deal. Maybe it might be a whole lot easier if you can turn things around a wee bit and start focusing in on what you like and love about your partner.

Look at him, and let him know. He will respond, and even though you feel self-conscious, you will feel a whole lot better because your focus will have shifted from worrying about how you feel about your body, toward him and the things you love about him.

It doesn't have to be, "Am I good enough?"

It's more like, "Wow...he looks really good, and I'm crazy about him..."

I think this might be very effective.

[Sandollar]

I have always found that men are more interested in enthusiasm than our physical flaws.

Your partner wouldn't be with you if he didn't think you were great. Enjoy each other!

[jschwab]

http://www.hipsandcurves.com/plus-size-lingerie/bras/shelf-open-cup-bras/HC1001/plus-size/open-tip-lace-bra

You just need this! I was looking at these things all day trying to decide what to replace my old lingerie with (it's too big now...) I think I'm going with the cupless bra - it looks like your grandmother's bra with a sexy twist.

[RosieGirl]

Thanks for all the replies, ladies. It's comforting to know I'm not alone...

Citrusklss... I like your idea. When I first started up with my boyfriend I was so adventurous and amorous. I have definitely changed, and you're right, I need to get out of my own head and focus on him.

Maybe I'll take him lingerie shopping or something fun like that, and make it for him and not all about me for a change.

I guess I can't expect things to change overnight, but I also can't expect things to change by themselves either, after I have put such a strain on matters.

Thanks again girlies.

[Kay2008]

I had/have the opposite... my bf insults my weight and always has done, that's the main thing that put me off being intimate with him anymore (the last time we were intimate was April, time before that was August 2008)...

When I first met him I was around 161lbs (as I had previously lost weight, but gone up by about a stone) and our sex life was brilliant... by about a year in I had gone up to around 178ish lbs... and still our sex life was good, but that's when the digs started coming... he would comment on my weight saying I need to lose weight etc etc. It REALLY hurt, but I used to get over it.

About 2 and a half years in I decided to go low carb, I lost 2 - 3 stone and felt GREAT, and looked so much better. My confidence was amazing and I was back to feeling confident in the bedroom with him.

2 more years on, I am now 199lbs!!! gained back all the weight I lost plus an extra 2 stone :( and I wouldn't DREAM of having sex with my bf right now... I hate myself, I am disgusted with the way I look and I know he is too. (long distance relationship so luckily he doesn't get to see me much so I don't get picked on too often!).

I have been thinking about this for a while now and I thought to myself, I doubt I will have any confidence at all to have sex with my bf again until I am AT LEAST down to 168lbs (so 30lbs to gooooo!) and even at that weight I will still be 'fat' to him :(.

[scrapbookr]

http://www.hipsandcurves.com/plus-size-lingerie/bras/shelf-open-cup-bras/HC1001/plus-size/open-tip-lace-bra

You just need this! I was looking at these things all day trying to decide what to replace my old lingerie with (it's too big now...) I think I'm going with the cupless bra - it looks like your grandmother's bra with a sexy twist.

This must be naughty cuz i tried to look from my work PC and it was blocked as a restricted site. Now I REALLY need to see it! lol

[Sandollar]

I had/have the opposite... my bf insults my weight and always has done, that's the main thing that put me off being intimate with him anymore (the last time we were intimate was April, time before that was August 2008)...



. :( What a shame. I hope you can work this out. Personally, I would not be with a man who insulted me in any way...but you need to choose your own path. Good luck!

[Marcia Mae]

That is terrible how your bf treats you, Kay2008. I doubt your lack of sex has anything to do with your weight, its his comments that really turned you off and made you feel bad about yourself and self conscience in bed. Nobody should have to feel this way, no matter how much they let themselves go. He's lucky to still have you!! You must be a very forgiving person.

[Scarlet]

Kay

Why are you with someone that treats you badly? There are men out there that are happy to be with women of all shapes and sizes! I mean you are not even obese are you?

[Kay2008]

Than you Sandollar, Marcia Mae and Scarlet.

I have been with him over 4 and a half years... I have always had confidence issues anyway, even before I got 'fat'. But putting on all this weight has made things worse... so I think the reason I stay with him and put up with it is because I have such low confidence I convince myself that if my bf speaks to me like that and calls me names, so will other men. I know I shouldn't put up with it... but I feel a little stronger lately. Like if he commented on my weight, it would hurt of course, but I think I have the confidence to stick up for myself and answer him back.

Well according to the doctor and these charts you find online I am classed as Obese... my BMI is 35.5 (I know people shouldn't go by/rely on BMI) but I certainly feel obese :o

I know I wont stay with this man... I know we aren't right together and in a way I am glad I have no realised this. I just need to get confidence to tell him straight, but it's hard when your bf keeps knocking it right back down again.

[Scarlet]

I am very glad to hear you will soon be dumping this man. Having read your thyroid results in the thyroid forum, I do wish you would get your thyroid treated. Your doctor does not have a clue if she wants to wait till your TSH reaches 5 before she treats you. Anyway, off topic, but feel free to pm me.

:there: :there: