Sizes, Dysmorphia & Me

[Finola]

Please understand that I come from an eating disorder/body dysmorphia background. If you aren't familiar with issues from those backgrounds, you may not get this post. It may sound silly even if you do understand my issues. I just need to get this out. Thanks.

Like a lot of people who need to lose weight or are in the process of doing so, or have a history of eating issues, I have had a hard time "seeing" what I really look like.

You know, like when someone takes your picture and you almost die when you see it because you really, truly had no idea you were that fat?

Or when you think you are about the same size as a friend and then find out they are wearing a pants size that wouldn't even fit up your thigh?

For a long time I have had some kind of a fantasy, that women all around me had their clothing sizes clearly marked on their rear ends. That way, I could look at someone passing and think "Well, they look pretty good. Oh! They wear the same size as me. I must look okay too!". Sadly most women in the world aren't so keen on that idea. :lol:

But this weekend the next best thing happened. We were staying with friends. The woman is 5 inches shorter than me, and has generally been petite. She has, as far as I know, always worn smaller sizes than me, even when I have been at a normal weight.

During this visit I could not stop looking at her rear end. It simply looked enormous to me. I could not tell if it was some form of my dysmorphia or if she had gained weight or what. She does have a very heartshaped rear - tiny waist - and doesn't look obese by any means. Her rear just looked very, very big. I was actually relived when my husband commented on it, because it meant it all wasn't in my mind.

Then I found myself standing next to her and trying to compare. Was I bigger? Smaller? It was driving me crazy.

Finally, she said something. She was complaining about jeans and I showed her a website where you enter your measurements and they tell you which jeans will fit you best.

SHE DID HER MEASUREMENT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!

I was beside myself. And all her measurements - waist, lower waist, hip, lower hip were more or less the same as mine. And when she put those numbers into the computer it told her......that she needed jeans 2 sizes smaller than what I wear. Two sizes smaller than the same program had told me to buy!

It makes no sense!!!!

I know this is stupid and vain. But seriously. Stuff like this drives me crazy. I simply cannot see myself as I am and stuff like this DOES NOT HELP!

She weighs about 25 pounds less than me and is 5 inches shorter than me, but if her measurements are the same, why does she wear a size so much smaller than mine? Why do I (and my husband) see her standing right next to me and see her as wider across? ARGGHH!

Now I feel quite determined to get into her size of jeans. Because if that is what a size 6 looks like, I cannot be happy with being a size 8 or a size 10.

Thanks for letting me get this out. It was killing me.

[jschwab]

I completely understand. I have friends who weigh 50 pounds more than me and wear smaller sizes just because of their shape. It completely burns me up, partially because I am still in that realm of clothes being harder to find if you wear a bigger size. Some brands do not go up to my size, for example, because they stop at 12 or 14. It completely has a psychological effect - if I am wearing plus sizes, I must look very fat, right??? I know it's just a number on the label, but I can't get past it at all. Even when I've been an almost normal weight, I've been a 16. Then I see pudgy size 4's...

[Nancy LC]

Aw, don't get hung up on comparing yourself to others or numbers. Just concentrate on the fact you're losing weight, getting healthy and things are going in generally the right direction for you.

Sizes are so illogical it's just insanity. There are *no* standards any more, except in sewing patterns (which I think have the same sizes they always did -- which is a rude shock if you start sewing again after a long hiatus).

[Rachel1]

If she's short and in "petite" sizes, keep in mind that those petite sizes may not be the same as regular sizes. Short people are proportioned differently. When I put on "regular" jeans, not only are they too long in the leg, but the waist is up around my ribs. Petite sizes are a completely different cut than regular sizes, and I wouldn't be surprised if the labels don't correspond accurately.

It also depends on the make of jean. I take anywhere from a 6 to a 10, depending on the manufacturer and the cut.

Rachel

[AZDweller]

I just read a post somewhere on the board from someone who weighs 30 pounds more than I do and wears the same size pants I do. I carry my weight on my hips and thighs, so I'm sure that's it. But I'm sick of my size at the moment. I need to focus on my plan more and maybe a little more movement.

[lisa53098]

I had a similar experience in high school, and realized that the other person was 5 inches shorter, and that alone would let her wear a smaller size. Lucky you, you're the taller one. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[clubsoda]

I'm sorry you're so upset, but honestly this clothing size stuff drives me crazy. Sizes are 1) not standard, and 2) inflating rapidly. Nancy, I do sew clothes and I use a size 14 pattern. Yesterday I wore Seven jeans in a size 8, and today I'm wearing size 2 Lucky jeans, and the skirts in my closet range from size 4 to 12. I'm whatever "size" a clothing company thinks will part me from my money. Each manufacturer chooses a model of one size, often size 6, and then scales a line of clothing up or down around it. The scales vary by manufacturer, and they don't scale linearly (i.e. the difference between size 2 and 4 is smaller than the difference between size 12 and 14). Clothing companies also think that women want to have a lower number on the tag, so they've been competitively increasing the measurements on sizes for years. If you fit into a size 4 in Jeans A, but a 6 in Jeans B, Jeans A will get your money, even if it's more money than Jeans B wanted for the same item. This really makes me angry.



SHE DID HER MEASUREMENT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!



No offence, but this reaction sort of disturbs me. I'm happy to tell anyone who asks what size I'm wearing or my weight or measurements or whatever they want to know, but I don't expect to be judged for that openness. If I thought someone would have an emotional reaction to the simple fact of my being honest, it would make me really uncomfortable. I guess I don't really understand why it was a big deal that she did this in front of you. I've also never been able to fathom those women at the gym who change their clothes in the bathroom stall (usually when I really have to pee!!!), so maybe it's something similar. One reason that I'm comfortable being so open about my body is that I believe that no one else is really interested or paying attention. Your post reminds me that it's possible someone is paying VERY close attention, and changing their behavior because of my body. That's pretty heavy stuff.


Now I feel quite determined to get into her size of jeans. Because if that is what a size 6 looks like, I cannot be happy with being a size 8 or a size 10.

My heart goes out to you if you feel this way. I know this will sound silly, but it could work. Remembering that clothing sizes are meaningless, perhaps you could just wear your own size 6. Find a pair of jeans that you look hot in, then cut the size tag out and replace it with one that says "6." This is actually how clothes are sized anyway (see above).

[Finola]

Club soda

I appreciate your comments about sizing. I am well aware of the randomness of sizes and vanity sizing and have a wide range of clothing sizes in my closet. I am also aware that even within a single clothing line sizes may vary widely. I have size 30 jeans that are several inches smaller around the waist and hip than several pairs of size 29 jeans. Same brand and (more or less) style. I get this.

But as I mentioned in my first paragraph, I have a history of body dysmorphia and eating disorders. This means that I have difficulty, emotionally, with certain things. This means I do not get on the scale willingly in front of other women. This means I would not willingly measure myself in front of other women, as my friend did without blinking an eye. She is, without a doubt, much more healthy, emotionally, than I am.

I gave birth in a public parking lot. Any body modesty I had probably died that day. But that does not mean I am comfortable with my weight or size. I would like to be so, but it is a struggle. Posting here is one step towards acceptance. I can post my measurements, anonymously. I can post my weight, anonymously.

And here, in the emotional issues/body image section I sometimes post my more ED thoughts, that might not be appropriate in other sections of this site.

I am reminded, however, how as a child we did not always have a scale in our home. And when we did it was a simple, inexpensive one. Our next door neighbors had a doctors scale. My parents would take me over there and weigh me in front of them and their children, my friends. Then there would be much discussion about how much bigger I was than my friends, especially the elder, who was two years older (and many inches shorter) than me. The friend was a gymnast, competing at high levels. I was just a regular kid.

Today we both struggle with eating disorders. And I would not hop on a scale in front of someone, nor would I take my measurements in front of them.

[Samantha22]

It's interesting....the idea of women wearing a tag so I can see....sounds great!

I've always wondered what size others are wearing.
It's worse now that I've lost weight.
I've even said to random strangers "I'm losing weight, and you are about my goal size....would you mind if I asked what size your jeans are"? lol. I'm a freak I know. But usually people are receptive.

In this society today, all women are struggling with their image, regardless of how much they weigh...of what size they wear.

[clubsoda]

Finola, I'm sorry if I sounded critical, I really didn't mean to be. Of course we're all here because we have emotional issues with our bodies, myself included. Some days I get really upset with what I see in the mirror, and forget looking at most pictures of myself, ouch. I've been known to cry over what I percieve as an ugly picture of myself.

That's terrible that your family weighed you like that. It's no wonder that you have a hard time with EDs and weight. What I think I was reacting to was that your friend behaved as I might have, typing her numbers into a website. I have absolutely no interest in anyone else's jeans size, etc, and it never occurs to me that anyone wants to know my size. I live under the assumption that no one could possibly be half as interested in my stats as I am. So thinking about someone else scrutinizing my numbers (or my ass) feels really intrusive and invasive. Probably like your parents weighing you and commenting on the results. (Ok, I do know people look at my ass. But anyway.)

I'm sorry that you had such a painful experience, and I'm not trying to put you down at all. It's just that this stuff can be hard to think about for a lot of reasons.

[Finola]

Clubsoda -

No harm, really.

I do understand it wouldn't feel good to be on the other end of my insanity. This woman is a friend of mine. If I am critical of her, it isn't because I am critical of HER so much, but because I am critical of ME and I genuinely cannot see me. I have no concept of how I look, because from day to day, hour to hour, that seems to change. Is it real when I look in the mirror and think I look pretty darn good? Or is it real 30 minutes later when I look again and see something totally different. Or is the truth somewhere else?

Comparing my physique to someone else's is the one way I can get an accurate reading on what my reality is. For example, my sister is very thin and always has been. I always see her as thinner than me. But once she left some new clothes at my house and I tried them on. They fit me. I had never (as an adult) been able to wear the same sized clothing as her. That helped me to see that I was not so much larger than her as I had assumed. That if I considered her thin, I could consider myself thin as well.

This friend of mine has always been petite. She mentioned she was gaining weight. Her bottom was noticeably larger. On her short frame it was quite obvious. I was really surprised to think I was smaller than her. Then I was surprised to find that her measurements were similar to mine. Then I was surprised to find that two people with the same measurements (save height) would be told by the same website that they needed very different sizes in many different brands of jeans.

So that put me in a bad place (I'm bigger = I'm badder). My friend's bottom looked very large at that size. I wear a larger size. My bottom must look even larger. What I was seeing with my eyes (which was confirmed by my husband's eyes) was untrue. My bottom must be unattractively large.

All very frustrating for someone with dysmorphia issues.

[Citruskiss]

It's interesting....the idea of women wearing a tag so I can see....sounds great!

I've always wondered what size others are wearing.
It's worse now that I've lost weight.
I've even said to random strangers "I'm losing weight, and you are about my goal size....would you mind if I asked what size your jeans are"? lol. I'm a freak I know. But usually people are receptive.

In this society today, all women are struggling with their image, regardless of how much they weigh...of what size they wear.

You've asked people? Because this is something I'd really like to know too.

Seems silly, but I have a hard time trying to figure out what 'goal' should be for me, and furthermore - sometimes I actually have a hard time 'seeing' myself too (like Finola).

The vanity sizing and non-consistency in clothing sizes is making it worse.

Don't laugh, but I actually recently typed into my google search bar, 'what does a size 6 look like?' - didn't get anywhere.

Come to think of it - if women were wearing their sizes tacked onto themselves, then we'd all maybe realize that the size thing is becoming meaningless?

And Finola - I strongly suspect that what's going on is the fact that your friend is in the petites - they are probably quite a bit different than the regular sizes.

Hang in there everyone.

[jschwab]

You know, I saw an interesting comment from Kelly Osbourne awhile back where she said "I am not fat, but I play a fat person on TV" and it resonated with me. Sometimes it's not our size, per se, but how we look, how we slouch, where our pudge is located, even what kind of clothes we wear. That's why, even at a kind of normal weight (150 pounds), I still look very fat. My shape is out of whack and no amount of getting into a size 6 will help that. I am always remarking to my husband about women who look fat who are really thin but because they have broad shoulders and big boobs look much, much bigger than they are just because of the way clothes fall. If they wear tight jeans and a tight shirt you can tell, but then they look like Jessica Rabbit and that won't do LOL. BTW, I am not a Jessica Rabbit type - I just have the dreaded back and tummy fat that I would have to be anorexic to get rid of.