Nonsupportive family frustrations

[LittleZu]

I'm pretty angry right now. I've been low carb for over a year at this point, so it's not exactly news to anyone in my life. Last night I got a call from my brother regarding our family gathering tomorrow for late Thanksgiving/early Christmas. (He lives a few hours away from myself and my mom, so we tend to get together for the "holidays" at once to save on commuting time)

The conversation went something like this:

Me: What are we doing for dinner? Are we cooking here or going out?
My brother: I figured we'd just order pizza.
Me: . . . you know I can't have pizza.
My brother: They have side salads.
Me: Well I guess if you just have to have pizza I'll just eat a salad.
My brother: *sigh* Well if it's gonna be a problem I guess we can get something else.

I don't understand at all why every.single.time my brother comes to visit he wants to get pizza. It's not that I can't have a side salad and I guess the cheese off of a slice, it's that there are a million other choices that don't make me an outcast who can't have what everyone else is having. It's always an issue with him, and I always feel like it's some sort of intentional slight. I'm comfortable with my lifestyle and and I feel like when I say that I don't want us to have pizza as a family meal when we could get lots of things we can all enjoy and share as a meal that I CAN have, that that is not an unreasonable request.

The big exaggerated sigh made me angry more than anything, because it says to me that he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing. My diet is a big deal to me, and so is feeling comfortable and having a nice meal with my family.

No one would ever consider going to a seafood place because my mom is allergic, and no one would expect her to go and eat a side salad while everyone else really enjoyed their shrimp, so I don't see how avoiding choosing something ridiculously off my diet plan is any different than that.

It's very frustrating to me and I'm beginning to wonder if I am being unreasonable . . . I really don't think I am.

[3shewolf8]

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. I have the same issues with family. I have been eating like this a long time, I like eating like this, and I feel better eating like this. My extended family just don't get it. Neither do my friends. Just yesterday a friend says "You know, you really are fine just the way you are. You can stop dieting now." They just don't get it that this isn't a "diet" it's a way of life. I doubt people would be so ignorant if we were eating vegetarian or low fat, but mention low carb high fat and all of a sudden it's a "diet". Sorry I went on and on but I totally have the same issue, maybe we are relatives or something!!

[Janice A]

First of all, congratulations on the progress you have made! And no, you are not being unreasonable. Do any of your other relatives realize how hard you have worked and would be willing to step up and say something to your brother? Your brother sounds like a real winner-totally thoughtless. does this pizza place serve other stuff like steamed clams dipped in butter, shrimp broiled or grilled or is it strictly pizza? I have actually ordered subs (hoagies, grinders) depending on what part of the country you are from without the bread. Best of luck to you.

[LittleZu]

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. I have the same issues with family. I have been eating like this a long time, I like eating like this, and I feel better eating like this. My extended family just don't get it. Neither do my friends. Just yesterday a friend says "You know, you really are fine just the way you are. You can stop dieting now." They just don't get it that this isn't a "diet" it's a way of life. I doubt people would be so ignorant if we were eating vegetarian or low fat, but mention low carb high fat and all of a sudden it's a "diet". Sorry I went on and on but I totally have the same issue, maybe we are relatives or something!!

lol, Maybe we are relatives! ;) I get the whole "you can stop dieting now" thing a lot as well and I continually try to explain that I'm never going to "stop dieting" because I changed my diet, not started a diet. People just don't get it. I'm not active enough due to medical problems to eat like average Jane, so I found something that worked for me to keep me healthy and I'm sticking to it. :agree:


First of all, congratulations on the progress you have made! And no, you are not being unreasonable. Do any of your other relatives realize how hard you have worked and would be willing to step up and say something to your brother? Your brother sounds like a real winner-totally thoughtless. does this pizza place serve other stuff like steamed clams dipped in butter, shrimp broiled or grilled or is it strictly pizza? I have actually ordered subs (hoagies, grinders) depending on what part of the country you are from without the bread. Best of luck to you.

My mom is pretty aware of how much effort I've put into being a healthier person, but I doubt she'd say anything to my brother. He is rather thoughtless, and the past few times he's come to visit it was exactly the same scenario. In fact, last time he came he just had to have pizza, so I had to go to Hardee's and pick up a low carb burger and eat that while everyone else ate pizza. It frustrates me because the point of having a meal together is to eat together, not I have to get my own special thing and not be included with everyone else. This pizza place's menu consists of pizza, breadsticks, and side salads (just lettuce and tomato) so there's pretty much nothing there that would seem even remotely like a meal to me. I don't understand why my brother can't understand why I don't want to continually go to that place, when there are literally 50 other places to go eat here where there are menu choices for all of us. Or I could cook, that'd be fine with me as well.

What's particularly ironic about it was that my brother was one of the main people on my case about having gained so much weight before I started Atkins, so you'd think he'd be more supportive than anyone else in my family, but the opposite seems to be true. Sometimes I wonder how we two are possibly related. :p

Thanks to you both for letting me know I'm not crazy- I've been going over and over it in my head all day wondering if I really am being unreasonable, and if it's a little silly to be upset about it.

[Ptrcmcc6]

I don't think you're being unreasonable but then again OTOH....I wouldn't even think of pizza as a late Thanksgiving/early Christmas meal for a family gathering. Maybe a kiddie's birthday party or something like that but it wouldn't be my choice of food as a Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner. I was going to suggest you cook something and make it a more special meal being as it seems like you don't see each other that often to begin with with the distance between you. If you're brother wants to order pizza......then he can go ahead but you'll have all your lc foods at hand. I'm sure once he sees the spread you put out.......he'll knix the pizza idea.... ;) .

[algts]

I don't think you're being unreasonable but then again OTOH....I wouldn't even think of pizza as a late Thanksgiving/early Christmas meal for a family gathering. Maybe a kiddie's birthday party or something like that but it wouldn't be my choice of food as a Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner. I was going to suggest you cook something and make it a more special meal being as it seems like you don't see each other that often to begin with with the distance between you. If you're brother wants to order pizza......then he can go ahead but you'll have all your lc foods at hand. I'm sure once he sees the spread you put out.......he'll knix the pizza idea.... ;) . This is just what I was thinking! Maybe your mom has some ideas about what she would like for your celebration meal, then it won't be your "fault."

[jschwab]

Maybe salas seems like diet food. Tell him you need a steak!

[girlbug2]

lol, What's particularly ironic about it was that my brother was one of the main people on my case about having gained so much weight before I started Atkins, so you'd think he'd be more supportive than anyone else in my family, but the opposite seems to be true. Sometimes I wonder how we two are possibly related. :p
.

My dh is the same way; got on my case about being overweight, gave me a hard time any time I wanted ice cream or chocolate, and then when I started LCing and lost weight suddenly he's either ridiculing my food choices or subtley sabotaging my efforts to avoid temptation by bringing home all kinds of unhealthy, carby treats and then telling me to just have more willpower!

I finally decided my dh was just being jealous and insecure ( he is also overweight, in fact, he could stand to lose more than I) and to ignore him as much as possible. Easier said than done, I know.

[LessLiz]

He is rather thoughtless, and the past few times he's come to visit it was exactly the same scenario. In fact, last time he came he just had to have pizza, so I had to go to Hardee's and pick up a low carb burger and eat that while everyone else ate pizza.Okay, brother is a bit selfish. The only thing you did wrong was asking him his thoughts on food. :) Talk to your Mom and the two of you decide where the family meal is going to be, and that might be your house.

No, you are not being overly sensitive or unreasonable in any way. I'm with the others, the idea of a family celebration meal being pizza is kinda sad to me. Besides, for the price of pizza for a crowd you can have standing rib roast and delightful sides at home... for less money.

[gabmal]

see now I take a different approach... I never disagree with the dinner choice if it seems unlikely I'll get something healthy...Then when the times comes, I do one of two things:
a) Make something at home and take it with me...usually a low carb version of the same dish.
b) Call the restaurant/take-out place and explain my needs, and ask for substitutions.

Worst case scenario: Caught off-guard I would simply order extra cheese on the pizza with a salad, then scrape it off of my slices, add to my salad and then answer all the questions that would be shot my way.

That way, they're the bad guys or at least you're both on even ground.

[LittleZu]

On the advice of you lovely people, I called mom and we decided on ribeyes, salad and baked potatoes. (no potatoes for me) I'm good on the grill too, so I'm sure everyone will be happy except my brother, but he can not get his way for once. ;) (He's older and used to bossing me :p ) I'm sure he'll have a fit, but he's free to go get some pizza if he wants it that badly. I personally don't care if he eats the steak I make for him or not. So! I am off to the store to get some nice steaks and I feel much better about tomorrow. :)

Edit: Sounds like you have it figured out, Gab. I mainly only get upset because I have a different idea of what "family dinner" means than my brother does, I guess, and I don't like continually feeling excluded from the meals we have with our mom.

[Jenai]

Good for you - brothers can be jerks. We had the traditional Thanksgiving dinner and my brother sat next to me with his plate piled high and never even noticed I just had turkey and salad. I didn't care till the 280 lb. jerk ORDERED me to bring him a piece of pie like I'm his waitress. That act was old at 15 - it looks down right sad on a middle aged man......
Maybe just keep it in mind that it's not you, it's not your weight, he's just a jerk and to heck with his childish attitude.

[girlbug2]

Way to go Littlezu! If your brother misses pizza so much he can order some (but not without looking like a jerk). I wonder, is pizza scarce where he lives? :D

[LittleZu]

Way to go Littlezu! If your brother misses pizza so much he can order some (but not without looking like a jerk). I wonder, is pizza scarce where he lives? :D

I think he's just a carb addict. ;)

Everyone ate their steaks and I'm pretty happy with how the day went. :) Another family holiday successfully navigated! :thup:

[Nancy LC]

You should make a "Deep Dish Pizza quiche" and you'll probably convert your brother to low carb. :)

http://forum.lowcarber.org/showthread.php?t=44087

[jschwab]

We had nuked pepperoni slices last night plus a nice whole pineapple. My husband said, "look, it's like pizza night!". Just add some ham slices and it's a family pizza night! The toppings are the best part anyway :yum:

[algts]

I think he's just a carb addict. ;)

Everyone ate their steaks and I'm pretty happy with how the day went. :) Another family holiday successfully navigated! :thup:Great news! :wave:

[shellienz]

hey there,
heres a thought. tell them you have been diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, or Coeliacs. then you cant eat grains for medical reasons! That should get your brother to leave you alone?
Hope it goes well at your xmas gathering :)

[kuukuu]

Given the choice of steak and pizza?...mooooooo! I like mine crunchy! Throw one on for me!

[suzanneyea]

I look out for myself and either eat ahead of time or bring some food that I can eat. I never rely on friends or family to have my LC food around. II am usually pretty easy going, but pizza is one thing I avoid. I will go to almost any restaurant, but I do speak out on pizza places, there is just nothing for me there. I am not a salad eater and do not want a sald for dinner. I am a steak and burger girl.

[2bthinner!]

I look out for myself and either eat ahead of time or bring some food that I can eat. I never rely on friends or family to have my LC food around. II am usually pretty easy going, but pizza is one thing I avoid. I will go to almost any restaurant, but I do speak out on pizza places, there is just nothing for me there. I am not a salad eater and do not want a sald for dinner. I am a steak and burger girl.Our pizza hut has wings. That's what I will usually get if we eat there. I may have some toppings too. :thup:

[suzanneyea]

I need more than wings for a meal!

[IrishShrty]

I have a sister that is 10 times worse than your brother, I get so sick of hearing it!! I just tell her she can be the child with diabetes, I prefer not to be! She eats sugar, I don't.
Ignore it and don't put much into it, if they are not low carbing, they will never get it and the waste of time trying isn't hurting or affecting them in anyway, just you!
I would order a steak someplace and a nice salad, eat like a queen, it is a holiday!:)

[Hismouse]

We went to Pizza hut tonight, We ordered a med pizza and salads. I got a big salad, and my half of the pizza was veggie, I scrapped it into a pile:) and my mound was high, got full to. of course the bread was in a nasty pile too. Its hard to ask for the topping without the bread, Like a burger with no bun, lol.
When you do this long enough, you can usually find a way.
Last yr my Mom decided to upset me, I'm thinking. She has had me for 52 yrs,and 36 yr she known I have been a diabetic. every yr she makes a salad, green beans, and corn, potatoes, turkey, and dressing and a zuccunni casserole. Last yr, she said I'm not making green beans or a salad. And I know she did it for a reason, she always cooks meals around my needs, and may add a potatoe and rolls for them. Last yr she decied it was about all the other 20 people. Fine, no problem I said.... I sat near her, and kept asking for more turkey and zuccunni. She kept looking at me, then said is that all you are going to eat. I said Mom you know I have been a diabetic for 35 yr, you have been down my back for 16 of it. You made me make these choice for myself. It got silent at the table. Then My husband said, I am proud of her, she is strong willed. I said nope I am not, I know in my Mothers house if I had ate the other stuff, she would have scoled me right there in front of everyone. I felt set up.
And when desert time happened, I took the pies all out, and her eclars, and she anounced, I hope you know all of that has sugar in it. O duh, yes Mom I know , I brougt me SF jello. I was pissed.
So this Christmas is Me and my hubby,,,,,, I will make what I want to eat.....

[girlbug2]

Hismouse, I am sorry last year's holidays went so badly for you. At least your husband is supportive, I'm assuming you spend a lot more time with him than the rest of them:).

It is easier to cook one's own low carb food at holiday time, that's what I'm doing this christmas eve, thankfully. But tomorrow our relatives are coming in from out of town and we're planning to go to a mandarin chinese restaurant on Christmas day, hmmm, not much lc stuff there. I will have to do a good job of faking it so that nobody notices I'm not eating much aside from the meat and nuts in the food. I try to do everything I can to avoid those comments and starting up discussions about diet, esp at holiday times.

Best wishes to you all for christmas!