patriciakr
Mon, Jun-23-08, 10:31
I previously posted here oh a year or so ago. I don't think I ever did an introduction, and since I am "back" to stay, thought I should.
I have been unhappy with my weight for the past 42 years. Even when I was just curvy, but a fairly normal weight, I "felt" like I was different.
I had my first "weight gain" issue my junior year of college. I was away that year at another college for a special 1 year program, and for the first time, used food to deal with fear, depression, loneliness. I gained about 20 lbs. (an amount I now would SOOOOOO love to be "all" I had to lose).
It began a cycle of Weight Watchers and a slow but steady yo-yo up to a place I then stabilized at. I went from 140's to 220's and stayed there for most of my 30s. With a very active job, and my quitting dieting, simply eating what I wanted and NO more Weight Watchers, I actually did well. Not losing, but no longer gaining.
I married late in life - age 40 - to a much younger man, and we began the cycle of fertility treatments. When after several years, what it all came down to was not enough money for the further/next level of treatments it would take, I had a hissy. A huge, self-loathing hissy where I gained 100 lbs. in a year.
I had found out a lot about my body while trying to conceive. I did best on a low carb diet. I appeared to have some degree of insulin resistance (part of my journey in fertility treatments included a mis-diagnosis of pcos, learned a lot about it, and the place of low carb eating in treating it).
Eating the CALP way, has been the only way that my body feels "normal" again. Food cravings leave, I can eat and be satisfied until my tummy growls...that's the way it should be. It hadn't been that way in a long time.
I lost almost 75 lbs. and kept it off. But towards the end of a 4 year period, I wasn't losing, I was beginning to gain slightly. The support group I had belonged to for many, many years, was no longer responsive or supportive.
I got angry, very hurt, I had a hissy. I'd do it without them! I left the group, began posting here, but not enough and I didn't do what I needed and wanted to do.
I gained it all back and went to 11 lbs. over my previous high. I had been SURE I'd never be in the 300's again. Wrong.
Except for the decision to kick myself if I ever decide to have a "hissy" again, I am not going to think about woulda/shouldda/wish I had.
I am here, I am on day 4. I feel united inside in doing this, in wanting this, and feel physically better already. I suspect my pre-diabetes has tipped into or is half-way over the cliff now, into Type II Diabetes. I've been on the edge but done so well with exercise and low carb eating - until this last hissy (and a knee injury a year ago).
I need to give this all of me. I think if I can not, do not, I will see even more health issues and a much shorter life. I am a retired RN and I don't like the changes happening in my body.
I have a husband who is a true blessing. Someone I don't want to leave alone, someone I want to be able to go on photography trips and rock hounding trips with. Who, as I do, loves to cook and supports my eating low-carb, who is willing to ease himself into that lifestyle as well. I have a lot to live for...and I think being this heavy has been a way that I hide.
I can't say I am sorry this is so long, it is what I needed to say. I very much hope to find the support I need here.
I have been unhappy with my weight for the past 42 years. Even when I was just curvy, but a fairly normal weight, I "felt" like I was different.
I had my first "weight gain" issue my junior year of college. I was away that year at another college for a special 1 year program, and for the first time, used food to deal with fear, depression, loneliness. I gained about 20 lbs. (an amount I now would SOOOOOO love to be "all" I had to lose).
It began a cycle of Weight Watchers and a slow but steady yo-yo up to a place I then stabilized at. I went from 140's to 220's and stayed there for most of my 30s. With a very active job, and my quitting dieting, simply eating what I wanted and NO more Weight Watchers, I actually did well. Not losing, but no longer gaining.
I married late in life - age 40 - to a much younger man, and we began the cycle of fertility treatments. When after several years, what it all came down to was not enough money for the further/next level of treatments it would take, I had a hissy. A huge, self-loathing hissy where I gained 100 lbs. in a year.
I had found out a lot about my body while trying to conceive. I did best on a low carb diet. I appeared to have some degree of insulin resistance (part of my journey in fertility treatments included a mis-diagnosis of pcos, learned a lot about it, and the place of low carb eating in treating it).
Eating the CALP way, has been the only way that my body feels "normal" again. Food cravings leave, I can eat and be satisfied until my tummy growls...that's the way it should be. It hadn't been that way in a long time.
I lost almost 75 lbs. and kept it off. But towards the end of a 4 year period, I wasn't losing, I was beginning to gain slightly. The support group I had belonged to for many, many years, was no longer responsive or supportive.
I got angry, very hurt, I had a hissy. I'd do it without them! I left the group, began posting here, but not enough and I didn't do what I needed and wanted to do.
I gained it all back and went to 11 lbs. over my previous high. I had been SURE I'd never be in the 300's again. Wrong.
Except for the decision to kick myself if I ever decide to have a "hissy" again, I am not going to think about woulda/shouldda/wish I had.
I am here, I am on day 4. I feel united inside in doing this, in wanting this, and feel physically better already. I suspect my pre-diabetes has tipped into or is half-way over the cliff now, into Type II Diabetes. I've been on the edge but done so well with exercise and low carb eating - until this last hissy (and a knee injury a year ago).
I need to give this all of me. I think if I can not, do not, I will see even more health issues and a much shorter life. I am a retired RN and I don't like the changes happening in my body.
I have a husband who is a true blessing. Someone I don't want to leave alone, someone I want to be able to go on photography trips and rock hounding trips with. Who, as I do, loves to cook and supports my eating low-carb, who is willing to ease himself into that lifestyle as well. I have a lot to live for...and I think being this heavy has been a way that I hide.
I can't say I am sorry this is so long, it is what I needed to say. I very much hope to find the support I need here.