Sabotage..from the ones you love

[Nae]

Does anyone else have a problem with a person in they're family who tries and usualy wins at sabotaging your diet? Where that person seems to equate food with love? And if you refuse they're offerings of food they guilt trip you, by acting sad until you take it and eat it? then they are happy again. Does anyone have any idea how to deal with this kind of problem?or any experience with it? :help:

[montanasun]

Sorry I cannot help. I guess I would say I'm sorry the food looks wonderful but I cannot eat that right now I'm trying to get healthy so I can be round for a long time. OR You can take the food and say you are not hungry right now and when you get home either throw it away for give it to someone else.

Sounds like the person is trying to control you with food. You need to stand up for yourself and say I love you but I cannot eat this.

Be strong and say no. Your stats look great so don't let them guilt you.

Sorry I'm not much help.

[ValerieL]

A lot of how you deal with it is going to be determined by who is doing it and how often. We have a guy at work here who will just not shut up if you refuse the birthday cake that comes around about once a month (we have a small office & celebrate all the birthdays with cake). He's just a co-worker and it's not often, so I just keep saying no, laugh and talk about eating a big lunch, or say to put a piece aside for me and I'll eat it later. I've even, at the beginning and really feeling fragile, taken a slice and just pretended to eat it, mushed it around with the fork and surreptiously dumped it in the waste basket.

Now, if it's your husband or significant other, it's a different thing. You'll have to deal with this every day. You need to find out why he's doing it. You need to talk to him, ask him. Ask him directly for his support.

[Nae]

A lot of how you deal with it is going to be determined by who is doing it and how often. We have a guy at work here who will just not shut up if you refuse the birthday cake that comes around about once a month (we have a small office & celebrate all the birthdays with cake). He's just a co-worker and it's not often, so I just keep saying no, laugh and talk about eating a big lunch, or say to put a piece aside for me and I'll eat it later. I've even, at the beginning and really feeling fragile, taken a slice and just pretended to eat it, mushed it around with the fork and surreptiously dumped it in the waste basket.

Now, if it's your husband or significant other, it's a different thing. You'll have to deal with this every day. You need to find out why he's doing it. You need to talk to him, ask him. Ask him directly for his support.

Yeah its someone who lives with me and that i love dearly, my mother i take care of, and its a daily thing

[SRabbit]

If it's a really difficult situation then I would say eat as strictly and carefully as you can the rest of the time as much as you can, and when she insists you eat something, take the smallest portion possible and/or just pretend to eat it. Know your carb counts so you know what you can and cannot eat, and what portions have how much carbs in them.

But better, if you can, is to get involved in the cooking enough to make your own substitutions, or get on a big salad kick--salad is generally safe even if it has a higher carb dressing--just put less on...

If she truly wants you to stay around to be with her, she has to allow you to lose your extra weight...

I do understand though, my mother never told me she loved me but she always baked the most wonderful cakes and cookies---I don't think she would have been happy if I didn't eat them (though she also criticized me for being heavy---go figure!)

Take care, be excited about losing weight and getting healthy and hopefully she'll get it, enroll her in the possibility of your health, and keep at it whether it's big steps or little steps...you can make it work, but it's going to take some work on your part, and your weight loss might be a little slower at times, but you will still lose!

Ruth

[diemde]

I would have a talk with your mother. I would educate her on why you are doing this and why it's important that she be on board with your plan and support you. It is your decision to change your lifestyle on how you eat and exercise and you really need for her not to sabotage you. I'm thinking she may not realize that is what she is doing... you may want to find a gentler word than sabotage when talking with her, though. :D

Some ideas:
... hand her a list of your acceptable foods and review them with her so she fully understands them.
... learn to cook new LC foods WITH her - learn together.
... show her some of the success stories and photos from here in the forum and let her know you are being mentored here by people who have been successful with this.
... share with her your medical issues and flat out ask her if she wants you to die early.

I know some of this might be harsh for her, but hoepfully you can present it in a gentle way. But the reality is that this is not something short term for you and your mother has to learn to support you.

I once heard a speaker who advised us that if there are people who are sabotaging you, you have to cut them out of your life, even if they are family members. You have to love yourself enough to put yourself first in this situation.

[Kary]

Wow family issues...how I hate to have them. And weight loss always seems to bring them to the forefront. You stated you "took care" of your Mom. Does that mean she couldn't live alone and that she is somewhat dependent on you? If so, possibly her making and sharing the foods you used love is her way of saying thank you. So that when you refuse the food you are refusing the thank you. Also you losing weight is a change. People who are dependent on others tend to be really frightened of change. They fear that other things will change and that they will end up out in the cold.
I would explain to her really gently why you have changed what you eat. That it has everything to do with your health. Then I would offer reassurance that whether you are fat or thin you will always be there for her. That you love her and that you will always want to have her in your life.
Lots of love and reassurance, with some humor thrown in, should help your Mom be less fearful and more open to your choices. Just remember that for some people being old = being stubborn/set in their ways and it might take quite awhile to bring her around. However, short of a funnel and flexible tubing, she can't actually force you to eat anything you don't want :) .

[Nae]

Ive been taking care of her for most of my life and she cant live alone due to a mental disability, as a child her mother starved her so she grew up equating food with love so by loving me alot she fed me alot, a simple viscious cycle i guess.Thank you all for the help it really helped me alot and gave me things to discuss with her, I also read her what you guys said to help her understand what i am doing and that i need her to be in my corner and not sabotaging me,So i can continue to be here for her. Im going to get her a copy of my atkins book so we can learn together and make new meals together as you suggested.making it fun for her as well as myself, going lc is a whole new mind change but i am doing good ^.^ i lost 5 lbs since i started on the 1st here! this is so much easier to follow than medifast by far!. but thank you once again it really helped to hear from some of you who had some pretty good advice to give

[Kary]

It is folks like you who make the world a little bit of a better place to live in. Quietly, competently going about taking care of someone who needs it. You never get any awards or ceremonies, but you do deserve them. I think you're a helluva human being.

[Nae]

Thank you, and i do get rewards daily, my award is when she smiles or when i spoil her with a suprise present, my biggest reward is to make her happier in her last years, but this is also the reason why its hard to tell her no about food

[PS Diva]

I vote for distraction. You take it, thank her profusely as you put it in the fridge for later, and ask for her help in doing something. Finding your car keys or whatever. Distraction works very well with my Mom. I walk around the house holding whatever it is keeping up a constant stream of conversation. And then I would toss it later, being careful to make sure she can't find it in the trash!

[Nae]

you are brilliant! she also has that compulsive disorder so its going to be a chllenge but il try it thanks!

[takethat!]

I have this problem with my best friend. It's really pissing me off, but I love her and can deal with it. It's not an equate food with love thing, I think it's because we've always been about the same size and part of her wants to keep her fat buddy.

[NANCI B]

My mother was a saboteur as well. she would bring cakes and other things to me....something she would not normally have done. I finally had it with her and took her offering and put it in the trash right in front of her. Well, I might as well have stabbed her. What a sin it was to waste food. She went on and on about it but she never brought no no food to me again. I felt free from her loving me with food for the first time in my life. Well, I am in my 50's and it has been going on all my life......but no longer. My mom passed last november. I am learning to miss the good things and forgive the bad.......

Good luck to you, I hope you don't have to take the hard stance but you should prepare for that eventuality.

nanci

[Wifezilla]

I finally had it with her and took her offering and put it in the trash right in front of her.

Sounds good to me!

[Kandra]

Nanci - you got brass ones girl - wish I had a pair, too. (should we call them overies? They're internal gonads afterall) I'd love to be able to do that!!

I have a friend like Takethat's friend we've always been about the same size and part of her wants to keep her fat buddy. When I started Atkins I had to avoid her and felt guilty b/c we used to eat lunch together at least once a week, talk on the phone, etc. Now we just e-mail from time to time and I've come to realize that my well-being is and will always be more important than her feelings. That's about as brass as mine get. LOL

[SugaSaint]

My boss! We were eating buddies I guess you would say. Ive only been in the office about 8 months and we would always eat lunch together, (high carb of course!) and now when it comes time for lunch she always tries to get me to eat something I don't want to. She tells me I HAVE to eat something "good" once in a while or you'll NEVER make it! It is so frustrating! Hopefully in a couple months when my weight loss is noticable she will want on the LC banwagon as well! :lol:

[Lady_Prime]

Yes, my spousal unit is NOT supportive of my weight loss because it inhibits his fun of eating where he wants to eat. He says he loves me just the way I am and is accepting of me being as large as I am...

Finally, I told him how much I weighted and said I can barely move around. He was shocked and said because (I was a former powerlifter) that my powerlifting muscles weighed more so my body weighs more. I said, NO DUMMY, I weigh more because I have a fat ~ss! It was then I lost it on him telling him about the "issues" I was having by being this large (wearing a 5x was only the beginning!!).

So, after a debate and gripe period, my spouse finally relented and so, he is NOW supporting me on my weight loss effort. The best thing to tell people who give you guilt?

Tell them you want to LIVE...not exist.

[2007]

Yeah, my boyfriend is totally always sabotaging my efforts. He is always encourging me to eat carby foods and drink alcohol. Always telling me how he loves me the way I am. Well even though I love me the way I am as a person...I'm not lovin' being over-weight

This is one of the MAIN reasons why my weight is up today after being so successful in the past.

Although, I shouldn't blame him because it's my hand that's actually taking the food and drink up to my mouth, I have notice a trend in everytime I try to do LC my boyfriend makes it a point to sabatoge my efforts.

Perhaps I'm just trying to find someone else to place the blame on, but all I know is since I have recently broken up with my boyfriend (for other reasons too aside from the sabatoging thing) my ex-boyfriend that is, I have been doing well for 9 days now. No eating at all his favorite junk food places or drinking alcohol.

I just seem to be...no not seem to be...I am in better control of myself and my food choices amonst other things. :D

Funny...he wasn't like that at all when I started this LC thing last year, he was very supportive, but I guess as time went along and he saw me getting smaller...he began to become more insecure.

Just my observation. :o



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[Wifezilla]

Sounds about right. He felt threatened by your changes. Good thing you are moving on!

[Lessara]

My son 18 comes and visits me usually bringing two egg bagels or even a pizza. I finally told him that it hurts when he brings food when we have none and if he wants to eat it, go on the porch.