Realistic goals... and my frustration

[evenik]

Hi all,

I have been reading this board since 2003, but only started posting recently.
Currently I am at my lowest weight since 2003.

I have never been skinny. My lowest adult weight was 141 pounds, which I achieved by a combination of fasting and very low calorie diet. I was 20 at the time. Needless to say I stayed at this weight for only about a month. At non-dieting times I was fluctuating between 146 and 150 since I was 16. In 2003 I started gaining rapidly and ended up at more than 175. After the scale showed 175 I refused to step on it and probably gained some more, before I found low carb and this wonderful board.

I am 27 now, finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism (Hashimoto) and hypoadrenalism about a year ago. It took about 10 months to fugure out correct meds and their dosages. Now I am finally losing again. I am approaching my "regular" adult weight and I started wondering about my goals.

I put 140 as my goal because I have never been 140 and it is still pretty close to the weight I was before gaining. Now, is it realistic for me to push my goal to maybe 130?
I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I like the possibility that I might weigh less. On the other, I am afraid that I am just trying to postpone the maintaince phase because I am scared to fail at it (I never was able to maintain any weight loss).

I am also struggling with the male attention now. It has not been very bad, mostly stares. It freaks me out.

I need help. Everyone's opinions are welcome

[kuukuu]

140 sounds good for right now, and when you get there, you can decide if 130 is better.

As for the stares, use it for your advantage. Feeling desireable is a good thing. Just always play it safe. If someone is making you feel uncomfortable, say so.

[SlowNStedy]

I don't know if I can give you any profound advice about lowering your goal weight, having myself not yot been anywhere close to goal. If you're at 152 now, why don't you just wait until you get to your goal of 140 and then see how you feel at that point. If you then find that you aren't losing any more, that will be a sign of your body telling you that it's time to stop.

As far as male attention, the fact that it freaks you out sounds like it could be an issue for you in the future. It would be really, really easy to sabotage yourself so that the attention that makes you so uncomfortable would stop. Are you talking about leering, catcalls, and that sort of thing, or just wayward glances? If it's the first case, that sound like a perfect time to get in a guy's face and tell him off. In this day and age, women should not have to endure that kind of obnoxious behavior. If it's simply a lingering glance, I would just smile and say "hi". You never know what could come of it.

[droppin]

140 is a good weight to be and when you get there you will decide what you want to do then

[evenik]

Thank you all.
I think I will stick with my goal of 140 for now. Even if I will need to lose more than that, I will still have to face the challenge of maintainance sooner or later. I just need to keep going, however hard that might be.

As for male attention:
It did scared me before. It scares me now. I do not want to sabotage myself again.
I was raped when I weighed 146. At or below 155 I get stares and sometimes comments, above 155 - I do not register on the most males radar. Since I am older now (and probably look more intimidating) I do not get catcalls or whistles, just stares. I wear baggy clothes now, try not to look at the strangers in attempts to keep men away. I learned to be comfortable when someone looks at my face, but an inch below that and I get very scared and angry.

I do not want sexual attention from men. It confuses me, all this time I was straight, now I want to have a relationship with a woman. It can mean that I am a lesbian, it also can mean that I did not work out my negative past experience.

Again, I do not want to sabotage myself again. It feels like I am in the middle of an earthquake - do not know what to do or where to run. I always thought weight loss involves just weight loss, but as I approach 150 all my issues suddenly came up.

Sorry for my ramblings

[LiveWell]

I really feel for you. I myself have had those exact problems. I would still get the attention though at 250lbs even....seems by my current weight that I made sure they went away :lol:. I dont worry about the weight part of it, Im only concerned about the health part of it honestly. Carrying this weight around is going to kill me sooner or later and I dont want that so I keep trying.

[NYNikki]

I asked just about the same thing a while ago ....

To goal weight or NOT to goal weight...that is the question:
http://forum.lowcarber.org/showthread.php?t=316586

[lcgrrl2006]

Thank you all.
I think I will stick with my goal of 140 for now. Even if I will need to lose more than that, I will still have to face the challenge of maintainance sooner or later. I just need to keep going, however hard that might be.

As for male attention:
It did scared me before. It scares me now. I do not want to sabotage myself again.
I was raped when I weighed 146. At or below 155 I get stares and sometimes comments, above 155 - I do not register on the most males radar. Since I am older now (and probably look more intimidating) I do not get catcalls or whistles, just stares. I wear baggy clothes now, try not to look at the strangers in attempts to keep men away. I learned to be comfortable when someone looks at my face, but an inch below that and I get very scared and angry.

I do not want sexual attention from men. It confuses me, all this time I was straight, now I want to have a relationship with a woman. It can mean that I am a lesbian, it also can mean that I did not work out my negative past experience.

Again, I do not want to sabotage myself again. It feels like I am in the middle of an earthquake - do not know what to do or where to run. I always thought weight loss involves just weight loss, but as I approach 150 all my issues suddenly came up.

Sorry for my ramblings
We have similar backgrounds. I too was raped (twice when I was younger). I dated women for 10 years then started dealing with some of the issues I had with men. I consider myself bisexual now and have started dating men.
Are you in therapy to help deal with your fears? Have you tried to take a self defense class? I have been weight training for a year now and I think it helps with physical empowerment. You can stop living in the fear and feeling like a victim - I did with time. Awareness is the first step....so you are on your way....I feel for you. We all have so much more power than we realize. Denise

[SlowNStedy]

evenik,
Wow.
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine trying to deal with what you've been through. It must be extremely difficult for you to have all these feelings wrapped up together.

Please remember. Women of all ages, shapes, and sizes are raped. No matter what, your attack wasn't based on you being a certain size or looking a certain way, you just happened to be at the wrong point in the path of some sick, twisted f**k. You can't rely on hiding behind your weight to keep you safe, and you can't let yourself believe that losing the weight will put you in danger.

You have to do what it takes to keep yourself healthy in both body and mind so that you can be open to a quality relationship with a quality person, be that a woman or a man. You also have to put yourself in a mindset where you see yourself as strong and powerful, and do whatever it takes to get there. I would suggest talking to a therapist to resolve some of the issues, but you've probably heard that a million times already.

You've got to see your potential. You're so much more than this event. Don't sabotage yourself and let the bad guys win.

Stay Strong!
SNS

[evenik]

Are you in therapy to help deal with your fears? Have you tried to take a self defense class? I have been weight training for a year now and I think it helps with physical empowerment. You can stop living in the fear and feeling like a victim - I did with time. Awareness is the first step....so you are on your way....I feel for you. We all have so much more power than we realize. Denise

I did martial arts and weight-lifting and loved it. Somehow it made me more centered and calm. Unfortunately, I can not do it now due to some joints issues. I hope it is only temporary. All I can do now is yoga, so I set a minimum of 3 sessions per week and do that.
I see a therapist and she is great. I feel really comfortable with her. We talk pretty much about everything, but I do not know how to bring up the weight issue. :help:

[evenik]

evenik,
Wow.
I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine trying to deal with what you've been through. It must be extremely difficult for you to have all these feelings wrapped up together.

Please remember. Women of all ages, shapes, and sizes are raped. No matter what, your attack wasn't based on you being a certain size or looking a certain way, you just happened to be at the wrong point in the path of some sick, twisted f**k. You can't rely on hiding behind your weight to keep you safe, and you can't let yourself believe that losing the weight will put you in danger.

You have to do what it takes to keep yourself healthy in both body and mind so that you can be open to a quality relationship with a quality person, be that a woman or a man. You also have to put yourself in a mindset where you see yourself as strong and powerful, and do whatever it takes to get there. I would suggest talking to a therapist to resolve some of the issues, but you've probably heard that a million times already.

You've got to see your potential. You're so much more than this event. Don't sabotage yourself and let the bad guys win.

Stay Strong!
SNS

Thank you so much.
I need to remember that, remind myself every time I tempted to put a "fat suit" on.

[evenik]

We have similar backgrounds. I too was raped (twice when I was younger). I dated women for 10 years then started dealing with some of the issues I had with men. I consider myself bisexual now and have started dating men.


I have been so wrapped up in my issues that I forgot other women probably had awful experiences as well. I am happy that you are able to deal with that in a healthy manner. This gives me hope.

[CNYMom]

Sadly, you are not alone. I had a similar experience many years ago, and can completely relate to the "fat suit" concept. I do exactly the same thing.

Unfortunately, when we wrap ourselves up in order to protect ourselves, we also keep ourselves isolated from finding a truly intimate relationship with anyone else. That's something I myself am learning the hard way, as well. I wish you luck.

[cs_carver]

Definitely--stick to the 140 as long as you need. There's a lifetime to experiment with different weights, and 27 only feels "older." I'm 48 and still experimenting, and in no way out of the game.

If you're inclined, you might want to look around the www.emofree.com site and see if the EFT technique (which is like saying SAT test...) suits your temperament. It can be used to ease anxiety about bad memories and it's strangely effective. I like it because it doesn't try to deny any of the past or replace anything with "positive thinking;" it faces ugliness head on. EMDR is similar but requires professional assistance most of the time. (I accidentally did it to myself and had a massive break through once, but I do kinda wish I'd had professional support at the time.)

If you haven't already read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, I highly recommend it. It's about learning to predict violence in many situations and makes useful suggestions about avoiding troubled situations before they get irredeemably ugly. It may help give you some additional tools and behaviors to use to respond to the world around you.

Good luck.

[evenik]

Definitely--stick to the 140 as long as you need. There's a lifetime to experiment with different weights, and 27 only feels "older." I'm 48 and still experimenting, and in no way out of the game.

If you're inclined, you might want to look around the www.emofree.com site and see if the EFT technique (which is like saying SAT test...) suits your temperament. It can be used to ease anxiety about bad memories and it's strangely effective. I like it because it doesn't try to deny any of the past or replace anything with "positive thinking;" it faces ugliness head on. EMDR is similar but requires professional assistance most of the time. (I accidentally did it to myself and had a massive break through once, but I do kinda wish I'd had professional support at the time.)

If you haven't already read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker, I highly recommend it. It's about learning to predict violence in many situations and makes useful suggestions about avoiding troubled situations before they get irredeemably ugly. It may help give you some additional tools and behaviors to use to respond to the world around you.

Good luck.

Tanks. I will look into that.