Self-esteem

[CNYMom]

I have crappy self-esteem. I have for a very long time. At some stages in my life I've hidden it better than others, but no matter how much I smile, the pit is still there. Deep down inside, I believe I am not as good as other people, and that my very presence is offensive and tiring to others, to the point where I must apologize for simply being in the room. I don't always do that out loud, but except when I am with people with whom I am very comfortable, I always do it.

What usually happens when this hits me is I freeze. My heart pounds, I actually get cold and clammy, and I can't speak. Everything I know falls out of my head, and I'm lucky if I can remember what day it is. I find that this is worse when confronted by someone with a very strong personality. Makes sense, I suppose.

Anyway, my weight is often a visible reflection of my self-esteem. As my weight has dropped over the last couple of months, my self-esteem has gradually improved in some respects (although one of my managers still causes me to have panic attacks just because she scares the cr*p out of me), and I suppose it's still not as bad as it was a few months ago, but it's amazing to me how quickly I go back to the "it's because I'm a horrible excuse for a human being" place, you know? I've had this fliration with a guy going for awhile now (totally shocking to me because it's been years since I've even been interested in someone) but I'm beginning to think it's not going to work out. There are even logical reasons why not, at least not now. The thing that amazes me, though, is that instead of thinking "well, he has this and that that he needs to deal with before he can be in a relationship with anyone", I immediately leap to "it's because I'm fat, ugly, and a horrible person." He's never said anything like that, and I know for a fact he doesn't think anything like that, but that's still my gut reaction.

My fat is my shield. I hide behind it. If I don't date, it's because I'm fat. If I don't have friends, it's because I'm fat. It has nothing to do with me as a person, it's just the fat, you know what I mean? As the fat comes off, though, all that's left is me. Then, if someone doesn't like me, it's because of me, because they see the person inside. What do I hide behind then?

Thanks for listening.

[ElleH]

I know exactly how you feel...

except for me, it's that I feel invisible. When I'm in a group of people, women especially, I feel that no one even knows I'm there, or cares what I have to say. I have perfected the smile and the nod, but no one really notices or cares.

Heck, even here at home, I feel like I'm talking to myself most of the time, with 3 young kids, there's always a lot of noise and I have to scream just to be heard sometimes.

Self esteem is a tricky thing, isn't it? I still can't see myself the way God supposedly sees me, as a child of his.

[3shewolf8]

To get over your fears, you have to face them. As you can see, I have lost quite a bit of weight. At 245 I didn't want to be seen, much less heard. I didn't think I was good enough for anything. then, When the weight started coming off, I was getting a lot, I mean A LOT of attention. I decided to make the most of it. I would take a deep breath, and just plunge in. I stopped caring if anyone laughed at me, and would laugh with them instead. I will never forget the courage it took to bid on a job I wanted. I had to start by giving a presentation in front of about 50 people. It was so scary. But, I decided that I knew what I was talking about, and I just had to prove it. I was so glad when it was over, but now I do it all the time, and it doesn't bother me at all. Just look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you love the way you are, you love who you are at this minute. You have to love yourself before you can let other people in. Remember, you are just as good as anyone else, and you deserve everything that you want out of life and are willing to work for. If you sit around waiting for things to happen to you, you will miss out on so much. go out and grab life, make things happen. You can do it!!!