Stumblin' IN

[kathleen24]

Dear friends,

I am writing this off-line, to be posted later. It’s morning, the time of fresh starts and hope—it’s even a Monday morning, and the first Monday of a new month. It’s coming spring here, and what lies ahead is easier done without the pain of this baggage. None of those are the reason I’m posting today—I’m here because I can be here, for the first time in a long, long time.

Some of you know my posts before and some of you I haven’t met yet, but we’re here for the same reason, for our mutual survival. I know what worked in the past, and I am trying to build my life-raft out of the same pieces that kept me afloat before, before the storms of the last 18 months battered me so.

So here are the main pieces of the raft:
• Reality check:
o weighed this morning, and took my measurements. Knowledge is power.
• Hydration: I start the morning with hot water and lemon juice and sweetener, at least three cups, six is better, eight almost assures me of making it through the day without going off of my eating plan.
o My first quart of water is beside me; I plan to finish it before I eat. I’d like to drink one more. We’ll see how it goes—I have half-an-hour before I need to leave.
• Nutrition: I start the day with a low-carb, high-protein, high fat breakfast.
o I have four eggs boiling in the pot. Not exactly inspired, but they smell like hope.
• Accountability/support: I have wanted to get on here before, but allowed myself to isolate because I don’t have internet at my house and I usually like to start out the day w/a post--it helps keep me honest.
o I realized this morning that I can write this now and post later—I know, not exactly a stroke of brilliance, but some of us are slow learners.
• Exercise;
o I don’t know what I’m going to do about this yet.

I have regained almost all of the 85 pounds I lost a few years ago, using those things listed above—I’m 8 pounds away from my former high, but I’m willing to call this a draw, and turn back. I have hit the place I think of as hell; it hurts just to be; not an hour passes without my confronting how much harder my life is with this weight; it takes a conscious decision to turn over in bed; it hurts to stand up in the morning; I look huge; summer is coming. A few days ago, I passed that “willing to do anything” point. I found myself looking up bariatric surgery sites yesterday, and I read on one of them, “This is not a magic bullet; you still have to restrict your eating, and exercise.” I thought, jeeze, then why have the surgery? We still fight this battle for our lives in our soul.

I also read about the use of topiramate for people fighting addictions, about the brain scans that they do that show their brains lighting up like Broadway when they see something that triggers the urge to use their drug of choice. That resonated with me.

I have had such a hard time understanding why, in the face of a decision not to overeat, I still do so. It’s as if I have surrendered my will to something so destructive, set so much in opposition to what I want and who I want to be.

For what seems like the first time, I acknowledged my accomplishments. I earned an education, have two fine children, am successful in my profession. I am creative, and can do just about anything I set my mind to do—except this. When I looked at it that way, it just didn’t add up. Why could I do all of those things, and not do something so simple as to chose not to overeat, or not to eat the things I knew put me in that kind of weakness? And I remember how easy it was to go for months without eating carbs, how I would get into the groove and then be able to stay there effortlessly.

It made me realize there are other forces at work here—it isn’t a question of will, or of worthiness, not a moral issue. No matter how I berated myself in the past, that didn’t do it; God knows, if self-loathing would have made me thin, I’d have solved this problem decades ago.

I couldn’t figure out—and still can’t—what drives me to do something so self-desctuctive and contrary to my purposes—all I know is that only those things I listed above, locked together, could save me.

This other thing—the why, is still a mystery, but I recognized that it’s not something I’m doing deliberately to myself. When I realized that, I felt such a wave of relief—as if I had spent years feeling guilty and shamed for something that was out of my control—and as if the one who had been blaming me suddenly stopped blaming and started offering support, and an attempt to understand, instead.

It’s been a lot more peaceful living in my head since I saw that.

Okay, it’s time to go to work. I finished the first quart of water. I’ll try to post this later.

Thanks for reading this.

Kathleen

5:30 pm update

I made it through the day, drank 7 cups of water and ate 3 or 4 eggs. Okay, so not ideal, but it’s pretty amazing to have gone all day w/out overeating or eating crap. This is the first time I was able to get on here today. And no, I haven’t made it all day, yet, but I might. I just might. I haven't updated my stats yet, and that's probably going to be a pang, but I'll get over it.

[kathleen24]

Quick follow-up. I updated the stats. And it's okay--it's just information. Hope to have a victory to report in the morning, that of keepin' my wheels between the lines on the highway.

[Judynyc]

Welcome Back Kathleen!! :wave:

I remember you well...I recall that you did very well last time and I bet that you will do it again :thup:

[diemde]

Kathleen, welcome back! :wave: I've missed seeing you on here and was hoping you would rejoin us. I went missing too and regained a lot of weight, so I understand your frustration. The best move you've made is to come back and post here to gain the support of the TDC team!

In hindsight, there were things I probably could have done to prevent such a large weight gain, but at the time it was happening, it would have been the straw that broke the camel's back. Was it self destructive? Probably. But maybe it also allowed me to focus on surviving the other stresses in my life that were more important in my value system.

While I wouldn't wish regaining on anyone, the lesson I learned is so valuable that I don't really regret regaining. I know that sounds odd, but now I truly know that this must be a way of eating for life. It is what it is. I hope you find that this has added value for your life lessons, too.

Good luck on restarting!

[Greenwitch]

I'm too new to recognize you, but it's nice to meet you. I too regained 85lbs which led me back to this attempt to lose it.

Good luck!

[dearmommy]

Welcome back kathleen.

[Kandra]

Dianne:
While I wouldn't wish regaining on anyone, the lesson I learned is so valuable that I don't really regret regaining. I know that sounds odd, but now I truly know that this must be a way of eating for life. It is what it is. I hope you find that this has added value for your life lessons, too.
Oh such words of wisdom. I've gained and lost and gained back and lost so many times (X-chronic yo-yoer)it's amazing that my metabolism even gets me outa bed. Seriously though Kathleen I agree that you did it before and you will do it again. Only this time with the wisdom of a Sage.

[mmf503]

Welcome back Kathleen. I'm new here but not new to lowcarbing. I have lost and gained the same 100 pounds several times now so I know how you feel.

[ldypgmr]

He he ... kinda sad that the board seems full of us. I too lost 125 pounds on Atkins about 3 years ago and gained all but 30 of it back... Now I am loosing it again ...... I need the inspiration from this board to keep me on target. The accountability to do well.

Welcome back!!!

[Bat Spit]

Welcome back Kathleen.

TheBetty just came back too, and I saw your posts in her journal just yesterday and thought "Where do you suppose Kathleen has gotten to?"

I'm glad you're home.

[skippie]

Welcome Back. Glad you found your way home.(so to speek)

[Charran]

Welcome back Kathleen! I remember you from before and really enjoyed your insightful posts. I can relate to so much of what you said in this one. It's like I'm reading my own thoughts. You know you're not alone here. I hope you have much success!

[kathleen24]

Hi you guys! Big smiles to see all the notes--on the fly, but will post what I wrote last night.

I’m just going to try to make it through this evening. I sound like a junkie. I’m away from the ‘net, so I will just be typing this in and then post it all tomorrow.

I want to remember this for later, that it’s uncomfortable just to sit. Breathing feels like work. I feel like I’m old. I don’t want to live like this any more.

I’ve made it ‘til 7: 39.

I was thinking earlier, and asked myself if I would give up the junk for 15 minutes if I could be thin. And I didn’t know the answer. You’d think—of course, why not? Well, that’s really the scenario—it just takes a lot of those 15 minutes strung together. So right now, I’m aiming for 8 o’clock. I’ve got dinner cooking. That’ll help.

Another thing I did that helped was get another big glass of water when I came in, and I’m drinking that down now. I can’t remember if I had one or two this morning, but that would put me between 11 and 15 cups of water for the day. That’s an achievement, right there.

7:56
9:15

If I make it until bedtime, it will be the first day in a long time. Can’t remember how long. Months. And I am so afraid. Or that place past fear where you don’t torment yourself with hope anymore. I think I fear hope, because it’s a trick. If you don’t hope, you don’t hurt. If you don’t try, you don’t lose. Sugar makes you numb.

Stumblin’ In. Does anyone remember that song? “Laying our hearts on the table, and stumblin’ in.” That’s all I remember of it, but I chose it, or it chose me because that’s how I feel. It’s just me, and I’m just here. Utterly empty-handed, I have nothing to offer to anyone. Please reach out and help me keep from falling.

9:19

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed. Before I do, I’m going to put a glass of water on the bedside table. It’s like throwing a treble hook into the future. It’ll be there in the morning when I wake up, and I will remember why I put it there.

And if I make it until then, you know what then? I will get to wake up tomorrow, and say, “I did it. I made it.” And I think that will make me very, very happy.

And in the morning, when I leave here, I’m going to leave a big glass of water on the table, as a reminder for me when I come home. It’s like a promise to myself. Stumblin’ in. But here.


AM follow-up--made it through the night, slept well, and got up and exercised this a.m., and drank 6 cups of water. I feel good!

[gweny70]

Wow! Welcome back! You are off to a great Day # 2!! One foot in front of the other...One day at a time. I hope you have great success!!

Have a terrific day!!

[Charran]

That's what I do Kathleen...one day at a time! Good for you!

[j13]

Welcome back. I don't think I was here when you were, or if I was it was before I was very active, but your posts so far in this thread were really good. I've talked a lot in my journal and around the board about how my accepting and trying to deal with the fact that I'm a food addict was really the difference to me this time. I hope that being detached from the physical cravings will give you the distance you need from it to start thinking about the psychological and emotional reasons that are underpinning your problem. That's what it did for me.

Good luck, and KUTGW-

-j.

[JAnn]

Hey kathleen, I remember you too. Welcome back. It looks like the forum is growing again. It's nice to have so many friends.

[happy07]

Hi Kathleen, welcome back. I'm new here so didn't know you before. I am, however, loving your posts. Your first post on this thread sounded, to me, like it was straight out of my head....if I had your way with words.

You know what you need to do and will be successful.

[kathleen24]

Hi all,

I've made it through another day, and woke up feeling good this morning--that jump-out-of-bed excitement--and I also woke up four pounds lighter w/3 inches off my waist. (I *felt* smaller, and checked it out.) 'm feeling energetic. My muscles feel engaged from the workout I gave myself a few days ago.

Happy, I know what you mean--I had that same feeling reading your post. As a matter of fact, I just posted there, and then came over here to finish up because I felt like I was going to threadjack you.

Years ago, I read a book by Dr. Stillman about his low-fat, low-carb plan, and he said, "Don't think about it too much, just do it. Just start. Start now. Give it two weeks." And I did, and it changed my life. I'm back now, ready to change my life again. But the only way I got to this point (and I'm still a little nervous about how easy it would be to slip) was by starting. You know that `click' that comes and tells you you're ready? Well, you can't always wait for the click. Sometimes you've got to just start, `act as if,' as our fellow-addicts in AA say, and the feeling will follow.

I love j's sig line, about character. If you lack that quality, this forum serves as a pretty good substitute; for me, TDC is that force that enables [me] to carry out a resolution once the mood in which that resolution was born has died.

It seems like so many of us are back here w/the same realization--beating ourselves up about failure to have lost the weight and keep it off just isn't working. We have to do this as an act of self-compassion and caring. I heard a man say recently, "Taking care of yourself is hard work." He's thin, healthy, active, exercises daily, is thoughtful about what he puts in his mouth--but he's absolutely right. It is hard work. No one else will do it for us. (Fantasies about being dropped on an island somewhere w/a fishing pole aside.) This is about doing good things for myself, not self-deprivation or self-loathing.

I *didn't* exercise this a.m., because I felt like my body needed the sleep more than it did to move--and I think that was absolutely the right choice. Okay, the adventure is underway.


Judy, what a lovely thought--thanks--it's slipped inside my brain and replays frequently.

Dianne,
I may appreciate this lesson more *after* I've taken the weight off again <g> but seriously, yes, I'd like to think that it's a learning experience--the key here seems to be self-compassion.

Greenwitch, I'm glad you're here. I look forward to getting to know you better.

Dearmommy, hellooooo! Good to see your post!

Charran, thanks for kind welcome and encouragement--I just saw a movie I loved, called Mozart and the Whale (it's great!) It's about a support group of adult autistic people, and the whole theme of the movie seems to be about embracing and accepting your quirkiness. Do you think we'll get to that point--welcoming the unique constellation of qualities that make up the TDC'er?
Something to ponder. . .

Batspit, good to hear theBetty is back, I look forward to stopping by journals for tea and chats. Kathleen had to go down into the depths by herself, because that was where her soul had gotten itself off to. I found me, and am climbing back up towards daylight. You know something? I didn't know that until I wrote it here. Thanks for the welcome :~}

Kandra, losing-regaining-losing makes us wise, I am the Dali Lama of Retreads, lol! BUt I agree, each time we do something right, we learn from the process. I can draw on what got me to 167 last time, and get there again.

503, j, jAnn, thanks for your welcoming words--I am so pleased that you are here.

Thanks, Skippie, happy to be here!

Gwen, thanks for the well-wishing--I am starting to get optimistic--love that sig line! It sure applies here, doesn't it?

[eyesofblue]

It’s just me, and I’m just here. Utterly empty-handed, I have nothing to offer to anyone. Please reach out and help me keep from falling.

Hi Kathleen,

You may feel empty handed, with nothing to offer, but do not underestimate the power of your words, you put words to some of my thoughts and feelings in your first and second post in this thread. It always amazes me when I read posts from members of the TDC, sometimes I feel as though they are speaking for me, sometimes I feel the words serve as a gentle chastisment, words that while I don't like what is being said, speak directly to me, cutting through the excuses, and how can the words be ignored when they are spoken by someone who has been where I am and has/is accomplishing what I want to accomplish.

Thank you for sharing your journey. I am glad you are back.

[kathleen24]

Thanks, eyesofblue. I was hangin' on by a thread when I posted those first few days, but I knew I could come here just feeling exactly that way--empty-handed, just needing some support. Robert Frost has a poem, in which he says, "Home is that place where, when you got to go there, they got to take you in." I read that not to mean that one is forced by obligation, but by the way they are wired to respond to you--and that was the way I felt coming back here. Stumblin' in, but knowing that the latch-string would be out for me.

I'm on my fifth day now, down 7.4 pounds since Monday, and I guess I've switched over from burning the carbs left in my system to burning fat for energy--feeling much better! Put on the jeans I've been afraid to wash (you know!) and they were lose in the waist. No kidding--what a difference 5 days makes!

Thanks, all, for your support.

[happy07]

Thanks, eyesofblue. I was hangin' on by a thread when I posted those first few days, but I knew I could come here just feeling exactly that way--empty-handed, just needing some support. Robert Frost has a poem, in which he says, "Home is that place where, when you got to go there, they got to take you in." I read that not to mean that one is forced by obligation, but by the way they are wired to respond to you--and that was the way I felt coming back here. Stumblin' in, but knowing that the latch-string would be out for me.

I'm on my fifth day now, down 7.4 pounds since Monday, and I guess I've switched over from burning the carbs left in my system to burning fat for energy--feeling much better! Put on the jeans I've been afraid to wash (you know!) and they were lose in the waist. No kidding--what a difference 5 days makes!

Thanks, all, for your support.

Kathleen, I just want to say that you are doing wonderfully. 5 days and 7.4 pounds is something to be proud of. Love your Robert Frost quote! So appropriate for this board.

[Heike]

Hi Kathleen,
I wish you all the strength you need.I also identify with a lot you wrote.It feels such a lonely business,when it creeps back,like it did on me and it's good to read we're not alone.Great people here to come back to,like old and new friends.Let's support each other-I'm in it.

[kathleen24]

Hi Kathleen,
I wish you all the strength you need.I also identify with a lot you wrote.It feels such a lonely business,when it creeps back,like it did on me and it's good to read we're not alone.Great people here to come back to,like old and new friends.Let's support each other-I'm in it.

You betcha!

Heike, nice to have you here--you're doing great--almost to Onederland! How sweet it is. Bet you're excited.

[Judynyc]

I'm on my fifth day now, down 7.4 pounds since Monday, and I guess I've switched over from burning the carbs left in my system to burning fat for energy--feeling much better! Put on the jeans I've been afraid to wash (you know!) and they were lose in the waist. No kidding--what a difference 5 days makes!

WOW Kathleen!! What a wonderful result for you!! :thup:

Happy Easter!!

[susansmk]

I stumbled in to this thread a bit late, but wanted to say welcome back! It is so good to see you...I remember you and your posts very well. We are fortunate to have you here with us!

You are doing a wonderful job so far and I'm sure will continue to do so. I, too, recently returned after regaining much of what I lost...this forum and the TDC in particular are instrumental in my success. It is truly a blessing to find people here who are on the same journey and understand the stumbling blocks, the pain, and the overwhelming joy even the slightest accomplishment can bring.

[Heike]

I stumbled in to this thread a bit late, but wanted to say welcome back! It is so good to see you...I remember you and your posts very well. We are fortunate to have you here with us!

You are doing a wonderful job so far and I'm sure will continue to do so. I, too, recently returned after regaining much of what I lost...this forum and the TDC in particular are instrumental in my success. It is truly a blessing to find people here who are on the same journey and understand the stumbling blocks, the pain, and the overwhelming joy even the slightest accomplishment can bring.
Very true.I can't talk to anyone else about it.Bet the guys at work are pretty fed up with me,after complementing about 2 stones off 3 back on.Actually nobody says a word,but of course they all know.I don't even want to know what they think about me.All I see are the calorie counting superfit colleagues.They must think I am a right prat.Won't tell them a thing this time about me having another go.Not good for my selfsteem.

[Kandra]

Won't tell them a thing this time about me having another go.Not good for my selfsteem. Isn't it wonderful that you can come here where people understand because they are going through the same types of struggles?

[kathleen24]

Very true.I can't talk to anyone else about it.Bet the guys at work are pretty fed up with me,after complementing about 2 stones off 3 back on.Actually nobody says a word,but of course they all know.I don't even want to know what they think about me.All I see are the calorie counting superfit colleagues.They must think I am a right prat.Won't tell them a thing this time about me having another go.Not good for my selfsteem.

I suspect 95% of us know that feeling. Actually, I find, though that the calorie-counting superfit are often our best supporters--they also know what it means to work hard to take care of themselves. It's the ones who need us to be fat to feel good about themselves that scare me.

I read a great book about sobriety written by a raging alcoholic who drank for decades before he pulled out. He's been sober and happy for decades now, too, but wrote that he went on a serious three-day bender a few years into his sobriety (he was in England at the time, and went to some total strangers in a train station, and said, "You've got to help me," if I remember the story right. They called the police, who got him into a hospital, and he has been sober since.) But he still counts his sobriety from the time that he first quit drinking--he regards that slip as just a learning experience.

I have been putting the data in my P.L.A.N. since I got back, and I thought it would be so hard, so hard. But you know what? It's okay.

One of my students is on the chubby side, and told me that her aunt was yelling at her, and said, "Do you want to be fat?" I thought about it, and this is what I realized--the aunt (misguided and cruel as she was) is right about something. Being fat is a choice, just like being a drinker or a smoker is a choice.

I think some people are born with alcoholic tendencies--but they can chose not to drink, and do the things that make it possible not to. Some people are addicted to cigarettes from their first smoke--I was--but I am not a smoker, haven't had one in 30 years.

Most of us have learned the hard way that `thin ain't cured'--and `thinner' isn't either. I will always have addictive responses towards food, esp. refined carbohydrates. But it doesn't mean I have to be fat. That drunken aunt screaming at her sweet niece asked the $64,000 question--do you want to be fat? If the answer for me is no--and it is--then all that is left to ask is, what am I willing to do about it?

[Judynyc]

I think some people are born with alcoholic tendencies--but they can chose not to drink, and do the things that make it possible not to.

I always really love to read your posts...you are a gifted writer, Kathleen.

Your statement above is very insightful. When I was in OA, they spoke of how when an alcoholic becomes sober and gives up alcohol, they can live without it.

When we give up our substance, refined carbs, we still need to confront food 3-5 times a day...which is very different than what I drinker has to do. We have to find a peace with our food. We cannot live without eating!!

I know that for me, I needed to totally accept the fact that I cannot eat refined carbs as I used to. I allow myself a small treat once in a while and I do it with great caution. What I have done is create a large array of foods that fit into my food plan today. I can honestly say that I have made peace with my food.

I wish this for you too!!

[kathleen24]

Thanks, Judy--what a coincidence--I was just thinking about how a week ago I was in the thick of my carb fog, and eating like an automaton--and now it's like someone has flipped a switch. I'm not long enough back on this to get very brave about saying this, but the honest truth is right now, at this moment, I don't want that stuff.

I'm still a little afraid of the abundance in the frig--I'm afraid of going all out on the good stuff. Right now, I'm feeling good, not overeating, and just ridin' the wave. Tomorrow morning makes it a week, and I'm looking forward to stepping on the scale and taking measurements--so glad that I had the resolve to do that even knowing I wouldn't like what I'd see there.

Went through my clothes today and organized them into keepers, and pitch-ers and I realized that I don't have any `fat' clothes that I love. Nothing here I want to keep once it no longer serves a purpose in my life. That to me is another indicator that I really want to live my life feeling good about my size and shape and level of fitness.

Susan, hello and thank you. I went over to your journal, and from there wandered to someone else's and someone else's.
I don't think I actually posted there, but I wanted to thank you for the welcome. Man, it's good to be here, and good to have friends on the journey.

[Heike]

Thank you Kathleen for what you said.It's easy to forget that sometimes but I often realise that learnt behaviour is hard to change.I have comforted myself with the wrong kind of stuff for so long and eaten for all these emotional reasons-seldom for hunger,which freeks me out-that it's such a hard lesson for me,a complete new learning process,again and again.Each time I fall off the wagon,I know what I'm doing,but I do it automatically,like a robot(I,Robot).However,you are of course right,this is exactly what I'm dealing with.No,I don't want to be fat either,but the being fat is just the symptom,the visible bit.What is the cause?If I could only tackle that for good,I should be free.The overeating bit,the portion size.I tried GL recently,and I eat too much of it,because the portion for one was too little.Will never work.That's why I had to be back here and it's the ONLY place I feel better.Thanks for understanding and supporting me.This forum feels like home to me.Honest.

[kathleen24]

Heike,

I don't think that I ever will be free, in the sense that I understand you to mean.

I think that if I smoked a pack of cigarettes each day for the next week, I'd never quit--although I have no desire for a smoke, find them gross. I think that bear is just sleeping, not dead, and I don't want to take a chance of waking it.

Alcoholics can choose to be sober for 20 years, but all that makes them is sober, not someone who can drink socially (or so I understand it.)

I have tried for so many decades to beat this--and I think I can't, and that's such a relief. All I can do is accommodate it, like someone who lives with a chronic illness. I have to do certain things to keep from being fat and from eating compulsively. If I do them, I pass as a normal, but I will never be free from that tendency in myself, as far as I can see. But it won't matter. That feels good to me, even if it sounds depressing and discouraged to some. All the energy I put into fighting myself was misplaced. All this time, I was not the enemy.

[Bat Spit]

All I can do is accommodate it, like someone who lives with a chronic illness. I have to do certain things to keep from being fat and from eating compulsively. If I do them, I pass as a normal, but I will never be free from that tendency in myself, as far as I can see. But it won't matter. That feels good to me, even if it sounds depressing and discouraged to some.

This is very much the conclusion I came to a while back. I think it is very freeing. Fighting it doesn't help, and I can't be 'normal' no matter how much I wish I could.

Just as, as an asthmatic, I never leave the house without my rescue inhaler and avoid cigarette smoke like a plague, as a carb intolerant person I never leave the house without an acceptable emergency snack in my purse and I just flat out don't eat bread or pasta.


You are not the enemy. Its not a head thing. Its a body thing, and there is a limit to how much we can change that.

[FatFreeMe]

Stumblin’ In. Does anyone remember that song? “Laying our hearts on the table, and stumblin’ in.” That’s all I remember of it, but I chose it, or it chose me because that’s how I feel.

Suzi Quatro...Sure I remember it! First thing that entered my mind when I started reading this thread way back when you first started it. Loved that song! Just been lurking (and reading) more these days then posting.

[MizKitty]

Hi Kathleen

Welcome back, it's nice to meet you. Thanks to you for starting and everyone who has contributed to this thread, I have picked up a lot of encouragement and support from it.

[kathleen24]

Epiphany a day keeps the junk food away. (groan)

Thanks, Batspit, for that twist on it. I have someone near and dear who has psoriasis, and took this person to the dermatologist once--and then he refused to go in, because "I am cured." I went in, instead, and she told me, "All of my psoriatics are like that--as soon as their symptoms clear up, they are in denial that they have a chronic condition."

That puts a whole new spin on it for me--it's not so much a regain as a relapse, triggered by prolonged, intense stress (same thing that triggers psoriasis, among others.)

If I had to eat like this to control a chronic illness, would I? If a symptom of it was an inability to make wise choices under certain circumstances, would I show compassion towards myself? Maybe more so than I have with this problem all my life. That is a real mental adjustment.

I knew someone who told me her technique of weight control, and I had the sense that she thought I should try it, too. She said, "I stand in front of the mirror and yell at myself; I say, `look at you, you fat disgusting pig . . . ' " and so on.
Could you imagine someone berating themselves like that for, say, being short? Or blonde? or left-handed?

Where have I been all my life?

Hey, Jody, I went and found the midi after I read your post--what a fun piece of music that is.

[susansmk]

I knew someone who told me her technique of weight control, and I had the sense that she thought I should try it, too. She said, "I stand in front of the mirror and yell at myself; I say, `look at you, you fat disgusting pig . . . ' " and so on.
Could you imagine someone berating themselves like that for, say, being short? Or blonde? or left-handed?Hell, many of us do that anyway...just not out loud. We beat ourselves up in many tiny ways every day. Speaking only for myself, I can admit to mentally berating myself every time I pass a mirror, see clothing I'd like to wear but can't, and so on. Will that self-degradation end once I'm at goal? I like to think so, but it's been a cycle for me as long as I can remember - way before I got this overweight. For many of us, the cycle began when we foolishly listened to others (parents, even) tell us our value instead of relying on our own perceptions.

I think this journey is about more than physically healing our bodies, but a step toward healing mentally and emotionally. Losing weight won't magically make all those bad feelings go away, but hopefully it's a step toward forgiving and understanding ourselves. Perhaps along the way - especially with the support here - we can begin to see the value within ourselves that has no relation to a number on a scale or a skirt size.

Well there's my ramble for the night...

[dearmommy]

Hi,

Thanks for stopping by. I am doing better at not getting at myself so much although it is so much easier to fall back into old habits. I have been working on something called the Four Day Win by Martha Beck. Basically it is doing something rediculously easy such as working your way up through your goals. For example say you don't drink any water at all and you would like to drink the recommended 8 glasses a day. Well that is a big jump so you say to yourself I can drink 4 glasses a water a day to start but even that may be a bit overwelming. So you say you can do the rediculous goal of having 2 glasses of water a day. That is beyond easy and off you go. During the whole time you reward your self daily for completing each day and at the end you give your self a larger reward. Not quite sure of all the logistics of the theory however I have used for several areas of my life and it is working well for me.

[ValerieL]

All I can do is accommodate it, like someone who lives with a chronic illness. I have to do certain things to keep from being fat and from eating compulsively. If I do them, I pass as a normal, but I will never be free from that tendency in myself, as far as I can see. But it won't matter. That feels good to me, even if it sounds depressing and discouraged to some.

That spoke to me too. I just spent Easter at my in-laws where there was lots of food that I don't normally encounter (sugar, primarily). I was ultra-aware of food and my choices all weekend. I was always aware of what food was out, who was eating what, thought constantly about what I would eat for dinner, snack, dessert, whether I was eating too much, indulging too much, passing up something I wanted, etc, etc.

That's not "normal". People aren't generally as constantly preoccupied with the food as I was this past weekend. But, it's who I am as a former 340 lb woman. Food has an irrationally high importance and focus in my life. I could give myself a hard time because I haven't completely been able to let go of the lure of food, but I don't. It's just another part of who I am. I just have to deal with it. It's hard enough to fight against the food sometimes, I don't need to add fighting with myself because I'm not over the need to fight with the food, too!

Val

[kathleen24]

Yep, yep, and yep!

Here was my metaphor for the day, and I got it before I even got out of bed this morning. I had a picture in my mind of looking out from a mountain hut, and seeing a glistening snowfield, with not a footprint on it, and thought, okay, this is where I am.

Stress and the emotional battle and being wasted away again in Carbville were like being lost in a buffeting storm. I am finally past that, thank goodness. TDC is the hut where I found shelter and waited for the storm to pass. Now the sun is out and I'm feeling fine, but there is still the aftermath to deal with. It's just work. And I know how to work.

[Kandra]

Hi,

Thanks for stopping by. I am doing better at not getting at myself so much although it is so much easier to fall back into old habits. I have been working on something called the Four Day Win by Martha Beck. Basically it is doing something rediculously easy such as working your way up through your goals. For example say you don't drink any water at all and you would like to drink the recommended 8 glasses a day. Well that is a big jump so you say to yourself I can drink 4 glasses a water a day to start but even that may be a bit overwelming. So you say you can do the rediculous goal of having 2 glasses of water a day. That is beyond easy and off you go. During the whole time you reward your self daily for completing each day and at the end you give your self a larger reward. Not quite sure of all the logistics of the theory however I have used for several areas of my life and it is working well for me.
Many years ago I hired a life coach and this was one of the things she taught me because I was feeling overwhelmed at all the work opportunities (new things plus regular work) and I took on new stuff but was not really moving forward for anything.
With her help, I made small goals and a time line and immediately (because of the tiny goals) I was moving forward and not stuck in that overwhelmed feeling. What I also discovered is that I wasn't giving myself credit for my acomplishments because I was always waiting until I finished the BIG goal before I would acknowledge my work.
Thanks for that post, I haven't thought of consciously doing that with weight loss, but I think that I will now.

I also agree with what's being said on this thread. I noticed that elsewhere on the boards many (if not most) people are motivated by quick weight loss and aren't talking about or putting energy into the maintenance aspect.
I know that's what has always gotten my weight back up. No planning for a lifetime of eating LC (or whatever plan works for you). I look at people like Judy and the journals of others who are longtimers and realize they put a lot into the maintenance aspect of day to day living with our types of metabolism/bodies.

[Judynyc]

I look at people like Judy and the journals of others who are longtimers and realize they put a lot into the maintenance aspect of day to day living with our types of metabolism/bodies.

Thanks for this Kandra!! :rheart:

I need for you to know that being that I chose to do SBD, I never did count my carbs and still don't. I was happy to begin our phase II and add fruit back into my plan whereas many on Atkins never do add anything back and at some point begin to feel deprived and lose their way.

I cannot stress enough the importance of doing OWL phase of atkins to find out which good carbs will work for you as you still lose weight. This is what gave me the wide range of foods that I now eat and am able to stay on my plan and ENJOY MY FOOD!! I do not have feelings of deprivation and as long as I keep eating this way, I won't have them.

To me, deprivation leads to binging. I still have my favorite foods, (all of them are refined flour) but in a very limited and controlled way....once a month. I had my Dreamfields pasta the other night with my yummy beef goulash!! :yum: I make sure that all the foods I learned how to cook taste the way I like them to taste!! :idea:


I'm glad that I am being a good role model for you. :D

[FatFreeMe]

Hey, Jody, I went and found the midi after I read your post--what a fun piece of music that is.
And I put it on a CD with some other oldies, and sang them on my drive yesterday lol

Stress and the emotional battle and being wasted away again in Carbville
Thinking of stress and emotional battle.... I should try to write in my journal, but haven't been able to this week. TDC is a comforting Hut, Kathleen.

[deborah c]

Kathleen I just found this thread and will now forever more in my mind's eye refer to myself as a 'retread'! Very true, it's cuter and works for me more then a yo-yoer.

I'm fairly new, started lurking here in November, posting a few months latter...it is so hard to expose yourself and especially an addiction. My name is Deborah and I'm an addict - opps let me admend that - a recovering addict.

You are inspiring and getting me through the day. I have to make sure not to fall back into that carb fog ever again. Judy said something to the effect about slowly adding in carbs and learning which (healthy carbs) you can have without undermining the weight loss. How do you do that without stopping the decrease of weight loss? And when do you start to add these lifetime acceptable foods? I am afraid to try this although I know eventually it must happen. Feel like a reformed drinker staring at a beer (cookie, cake piece of pie) only that is what is so hard about all this - they do not need alcohol to live but we must have food.

Any who - looking forward to reading more about your 'recovery' thanks for the insights.

[Judynyc]

Judy said something to the effect about slowly adding in carbs and learning which (healthy carbs) you can have without undermining the weight loss. How do you do that without stopping the decrease of weight loss? And when do you start to add these lifetime acceptable foods? I am afraid to try this although I know eventually it must happen. Feel like a reformed drinker staring at a beer (cookie, cake piece of pie) only that is what is so hard about all this - they do not need alcohol to live but we must have food.

How about starting with a serving of fresh berries each day for a week and see how you do. :idea: Many find that adding in good carbs helps their metabolism keep going. I found that I would eat a grain, stop losing , knock it back out and then lose again...my version of carb cycling!! ;)

Your profile says that you've read the Atkins book...it explains OWL phase in the book? I actually use the atkins carb ladder to guide myself through the levels of carbs to add back in...its great!! :thup:

[kathleen24]

Kathleen I just found this thread and will now forever more in my mind's eye refer to myself as a 'retread'! Very true, it's cuter and works for me more then a yo-yoer.

I'm fairly new, started lurking here in November, posting a few months latter...it is so hard to expose yourself and especially an addiction. My name is Deborah and I'm an addict - opps let me admend that - a recovering addict.

You are inspiring and getting me through the day. I have to make sure not to fall back into that carb fog ever again. Judy said something to the effect about slowly adding in carbs and learning which (healthy carbs) you can have without undermining the weight loss. How do you do that without stopping the decrease of weight loss? And when do you start to add these lifetime acceptable foods? I am afraid to try this although I know eventually it must happen. Feel like a reformed drinker staring at a beer (cookie, cake piece of pie) only that is what is so hard about all this - they do not need alcohol to live but we must have food.

Any who - looking forward to reading more about your 'recovery' thanks for the insights.

The answers to these questions will be based on a combination of things: knowledge (of the kinds of things that Judy addressed above, and of how your body reacts to them--which you learn through experience); your own goals in terms of weight loss; whether you get to that I-would-give-anything-for-an-orange point.

I have a pretty good sense of what constitutes eating-to-lose, eating-to-maintain, and eating-to-gain (!) and can follow those guidelines in my head pretty easily without counting carbs, weighing and measuring :Puke:
or leaving behind foods that I really want. I think more in terms of what constitutes a banana peel on the top of the slippery slope, and stay away from there until my weight is at a point where I'm really motivated to keep from getting stupid. Sugar-free chocolate? It's a great idea, but I'm not ready--on the other hand, I'm glad to know that it will be out there if I need it someday.

I think I'm kinda rambling here. Sorry--up in the wee hours finishing off the taxes . . . :yawn:

[kathleen24]

A few hours after I posted the above, I sat in a meeting and typed the following:

Hello friends,

Just wanted to touch bases to let you know that I am sitting at a meeting, without breakfast. Sitting in front of me are a few plates of bagels and bananas. I am avoiding eye contact with them.

Just typing that was enough to help me get through it. And I look at that post above, and realize I was a little sleep-deprived, too.

Have a great Monday!

[kathleen24]

Just checking in. Two weeks into this, and I don't feel like I'm stumbling.

I've dropped exactly ten pounds in the last two weeks, and am feeling so much better!

Thanks for the help you've given me to get this far, and for my knowing I'll be able to count on this forum to help me keep on keeping on.

Exciting news: another pound and a half and I won't be morbidly obese anymore--only seriously <g>! Now where else could I go and tell people I'm excited about becoming seriously obese?

[Charran]

Kathleen...WTG on the 10 pounds down! Every little boundary that we cross is a big deal so YAY for almost being seriously obese! It won't be long before you'll be crossing the next boundary! You can always count on the good people of the TDC to be behind you 100% of the way and to celebrate every milestone and success with you! I wish you much more!

[deborah c]

Kathleen, I do know what you mean about being just 'regular obese' - smile -I'm dreaming of the day that I'm on the high-end of overweight! It's great to have goals! In a slump here in Michigan, cannot wait for it to warm up. This chilly weather is not helping my mood. And being moody is NOT real healthy for a food lover.

Great going on the 10 lb weight loss! I'm going to use that for inspiration.

[kathleen24]

Kathleen, I do know what you mean about being just 'regular obese' - smile -I'm dreaming of the day that I'm on the high-end of overweight! It's great to have goals! In a slump here in Michigan, cannot wait for it to warm up. This chilly weather is not helping my mood. And being moody is NOT real healthy for a food lover.

Great going on the 10 lb weight loss! I'm going to use that for inspiration.

Oooh--that's going to give me a big head, feeling like an INSPIRATION!

I think I'm there--dropped another pound, and that puts me right on the border--I'm staking the claim: no longer morbidly, but only severely obese right now.

I will be considered obese until I get down to 175--at which point I will be a size 12 (it's a little sad to have been up and down enough to know the stages of obesity so well.) Anyway, I sure don't feel obese at that point. As a matter of fact, I'll be thrilled to be there.

Here was my epiphany-ette of the day: There is no way out but through. I can't reach my goal without going through each and every pound along the way--so I need to see being at 233 as an achievement and a good thing, instead of the pain of feeling my size. This is the pathway to being exactly where I want to be.

You know what else I thought it would be cool to do? Make a poster, like a board game, with my start weight and my goal weight, and all the things I know about my size along the way. Draw pix of my favorite clothes, and put them next to the weight when they're likely to fit. Record the obstacles as I run into them. (Ate too many carbs--go back three pounds!) I think that would help me take a long-view picture of my weight loss, and help me see the challenge and fun in it. Hey, life is short and so am I--why not?

[dearmommy]

Great job so far. 11lbs gone.

For me it has a funny journey down. I don't know about the rest of you but I actually like to have my picture taken now. Before at this weight on my journey upwards I would have never ever volunteered to be any pictures and now when I see myself even though I am still very overweight I can see how far I have come and actually smile and feel good about myself. Crazy thing is also even in pics of me at my highest when I couldn't get out of them(usually family stuff, yuck) my kids are hanging on me smiling with love in their eyes. Sadly I don't have as many pictures as I could have due to my own insucurities. I have missed out on so many memories.

[kathleen24]

I'm the opposite--I see those pix, and think, so much of life that I missed out on because of my weight.

I have exciting news--a yardpebble (to small to be a milestone) and that is that . . . drumroll, please. . . I am now light enough to be a bone marrow donor if I get called up for it. That really bothered me, thinking about having to tell someone, "Nope, can't save your life, sorry, can't even save my own." But now I'm ready if I get called. Also (I'm sure there is a connection) I am now officially seriously obese, not morbidly.
And finally, my dress is longer. Significantly longer--like about three inches. Whaddaya think of that? Too cool, yeah?

[diemde]

Oh, longer clothes. Ha, I love that one. I tripped over my baggy jeans the other day and thought about how much longer they are now.

Kathleen, I like your idea of a poster game board thingie. You could make it as you go and document what really happens, rather than what you think might happen. Cool idea!

[kathleen24]

Oh, longer clothes. Ha, I love that one. I tripped over my baggy jeans the other day and thought about how much longer they are now.

Kathleen, I like your idea of a poster game board thingie. You could make it as you go and document what really happens, rather than what you think might happen. Cool idea!

Good thinking--I'm on it!

I just re-read this thread from tip to tail, and I felt like I was wrapped in warm eiderdown. Thanks so much for all the support and encouragement in here, each and every one of you. What a difference this has made for me. I am in awe.

[kathleen24]

Bumping this for the newbies in hopes that it will help them see that there is life beyond carb withdrawal.

Wow--was that me? And only two months ago? What a difference two months have made.

I am now at 215, anticipating slipping under 210, because then I'll be just a slide into Onederland--and on the way:

At 204, I will be out of my Second Twenty (as per quote: "No one notices the first twenty but everyone notices the second twenty"--well, we'll see).

At 203, I go under 35 BMI, and move from being Severely Obese to Obese--another yardpebble, maybe a little silly, but I'll take it!

At 202, I hit the halfway point of my original starting weight, halfway to goal, and fifty pounds down.

Then (drumroll) comes Onderland--and let me tell you, I am getting just as excited about this as I was the first time I went over the border--I have really worked for and earned that border crossing.

Hoping to be under 210 by the end of June, and hit Onederland before summer is out.

Hoping that this post gives someone else who sorely needs it some hope for their own success. I know that when I'm feeling like a failure, reading about someone else's success sometimes leave me feeling more dejected, like there is more of a distance between us. I am so forthcoming about my shortcomings because I don't want anyone to feel like that. My accomplishments have been fertilized on a rich, smelly bed of failures that composted into something of value.

[dearmommy]

You are doing fabulous. I rehit my lowest weight again today so I am happy 265lbs.

[callmedoc]

Bumping this for the newbies in hopes that it will help them see that there is life beyond carb withdrawal.

Wow--was that me? And only two months ago? What a difference two months have made.

I am now at 215, anticipating slipping under 210, because then I'll be just a slide into Onederland--and on the way:

At 204, I will be out of my Second Twenty (as per quote: "No one notices the first twenty but everyone notices the second twenty"--well, we'll see).

At 203, I go under 35 BMI, and move from being Severely Obese to Obese--another yardpebble, maybe a little silly, but I'll take it!

At 202, I hit the halfway point of my original starting weight, halfway to goal, and fifty pounds down.

Then (drumroll) comes Onderland--and let me tell you, I am getting just as excited about this as I was the first time I went over the border--I have really worked for and earned that border crossing.

Hoping to be under 210 by the end of June, and hit Onederland before summer is out.

Hoping that this post gives someone else who sorely needs it some hope for their own success. I know that when I'm feeling like a failure, reading about someone else's success sometimes leave me feeling more dejected, like there is more of a distance between us. I am so forthcoming about my shortcomings because I don't want anyone to feel like that. My accomplishments have been fertilized on a rich, smelly bed of failures that composted into something of value.



That is sooooo exciting!! I can't wait for that to be me!!! Sometimes I wish that you could lose the weight as fast I seem to be able to gain it! I actually started reading the Atkins 2002 book over the weekend for the first time. :thup:

[leshabar]

I'm backing you up Kathleen, I think it's good to have brought this thread forward.
I've gone from 217 (and gaining fast) to 201 in two months. It's slow, and hard to stick closely enough for really rapid results, but two months ago I didn't even think I could turn this train around. Now I have good hopes of getting back to around 190 where I sat for a year on my way down, and I'm starting to think that I might get past that to where I really want to be.
New people, it IS possible. The people here are fantastic and it makes all the difference to know you're not struggling along by yourself. You can come here and see what a daily thing it is for all of us, so important for our health and self image, but just a normal part of life. So easy in a way.
great you're joining in too doc.
dearmommy - wow when you do the math!

[Judynyc]

That is sooooo exciting!! I can't wait for that to be me!!! Sometimes I wish that you could lose the weight as fast I seem to be able to gain it! I actually started reading the Atkins 2002 book over the weekend for the first time. :thup:


Great!! :thup: :cool: Good read.

FYI..men tend to lose faster than women....so this very well could be you in a few months time.

[kathleen24]

dearmommy,

that is soooooooo exciting! You are heading off into new territory, stepping out of the familiar range. You may find that your bod fights going past that setpoint, but once it gets through that--why, as doc seuss said, "Oh, the places you'll go!"

I know for me getting past my turn-around point will be a red letter day--each time one of us makes it, it gives the rest of us hope. WTG, GF!