Shallow Hal

[Greenwitch]

I know it's an old movie but I've only just started watching tonight for the first time ever.I've been avoiding it. I feel so bad. It's sad. Well, so far into the movie Jack Black just went to the diner with the girl and her chair just gave out.


For those who haven't seen it, Jack Black plays a shallow guy who only dates perfect women. He gets trapped in an elevator with Anthony Robbins who hypnotizes him so he only sees the beauty in people and isn't shallow anymore. So, he goes out and sees in his mind all these fat women to be beautiful gorgeous women. He runs into Gwynith Paltrow who is actually a big fat woman, but in his eyes he sees, well, Gwynith Paltrow. Her character is so shy and after their first date she says if he doesn't call her again "it's ok, I understand if you don't."

I just..I guess this movie makes me feel a little blue because it happens to so many people. Overlooked and invisible because of weight.

I was tempted to never watch this movie because I knew I'd feel bad, but I think this is a good reminder to myself on some level.

Anyone else see this movie? Like I said , it's kind of old. 2001, I think.

[susansmk]

I caught the last half of it on HBO not too long ago, and yes it is sad. The end irritated me - how noble of Jack Black's character to "settle" for the heavy gal. Boy, if it weren't for kind souls like that taking pity on us, we'd all be alone, right? Give me a break.

[Judynyc]

I saw it too...it made me cringe in discomfort when I saw those scenes.:(

The good news is that you are on your way to a new life in a smaller body.

But I do have vivid memories of how I was treated before I lost the weight....and I know that I'll never forget it. Being that big was bad enough in and of itself for me....being treated like crap on the street made it much worse.

Its much easier to lose the weight than it was to live as overweight as I was. :agree:

[LadyC]

ironically, i loved the movie. and i didn't think he "settled" for the heavy girl. i think he'd finally recognized that true beauty is the INNER beauty, and felt like he'd be "settling" if he gave up the girl he loved in favor of dating someone with the body of a supermodel.

there were some sad scenes. and i really don't like the fact that they made her unattractive when they added all that padding. heavy women don't have to be unattractive.

but overall, i thought the movie was very positive. it reminds me of one of the reasons i fell in love with my husband, if you don't mind me telling a little story.

at the time, i weighed about what i'm trying to get back to. somewhere around 120. i was thin, i had a nice body.

my husband had just gotten a divorce from his previous wife, and we were out shopping with my kids. he said the most amazing thing, while we were talking about his divorce. he said that he still thought his ex-wife was the sexiest woman he'd ever known.

she was 5'2" and weighed over 240 lbs.

like shallow hal, my husband had learned to see beyond what you see with your eyes. and all i wanted was a man who could love me that much that my appearance would never matter. and in the end, that's who i got. he doesn't care that i'd gained appx. 30 lbs since we married. that's MY issue, but it certainly isn't his.

maybe that's why i love the movie so much.

[kyrasdad]

I must have seen a different ending. Didn't his character have a shot with the thin girl next door, and decide to turn it down because he really loved the Paltrow character?

I didn't take it as settling at all.

That said, the movie didn't do much for me.

[Judynyc]

there were some sad scenes. and i really don't like the fact that they made her unattractive when they added all that padding. heavy women don't have to be unattractive.

Well, you see LadyC, we here in the Triple Digit Club, know intimately well, how it feels to be that big...and how it feels when people treat us poorly.

That is exactly why Greenwitch posted it in here and not on the General Low Carb forum. Its a subject that requires having been there or are still there, to know what it feels like.

[potatofree]

Kyrasdad- that's how I took the ending, too. he realized he loved HER heavy or not, and that real beauty is who you are and how you treat people, not what you looked like. It even pointed out, even ham-handedly, that the so-called beautiful people can be the real ugly ones.

Not exactly Oscar material, true, but I thought for all the negative hype, that it was overall positive in the story.

[Greenwitch]

Ok, I finished watching the movie. At the end he sees her and says "OMG you're beautiful" and that right there was fabulous. I guess parts of the movie made me feel sad, like the breaking of the furniture, the overeating, the comments from people and her hanging out with unattractive people only as friends, etc. Grrr..stereo types. But anyway, I liked the ending.

[potatofree]

I think they had to take you "there" for the ending to really work. There were a few cheap sight gags, but I caught my self laughing at half of them myself. <shrug> Better to laugh than to cry, I figure.

[stacy0912]

actually i love that movie. the first time i saw it i was a little uncomfortable because that's how i always viewed myself. i always thought, and still do sometimes, that people are snickering when i walk into a room full of strangers. but as i kept watching and then seeing over and over (more than 20 times) i'm starting to laugh at all the dumb humor in it. i've broken chairs, a bed (in laws a year and a half ago), and many toys that lay around here for my crushing.

funny, five years ago i sat in one of those silly plastic chairs you see every where and anywhere. when we bought our house the previous owner left a few here by the pool when they took their patio set. i was sitting in one on a nice summer day talking on the phone and the leg gave out. i had it too close to the edge of the landscaping and i fell down, down down. i rolled face and head down all the rocks...for the life of me i couldn't get up. i don't think i never laughed so hard at myself..luckily dh was in the kitchen and saw out the window my tumble and came out to rescue me...sad thing is i was 20 pounds lighter then than now :( needless to say we bought a nice 'heavy duty' patio set the following week.

[potatofree]

I think about Rosemary and her group of friends. They didn't spend their time wallowing in self-pity about their lots in life, they were too busy making a difference in the lives of those kids and all.

I really felt there was a bit too much "laughing at" in there, but when I re-watched it in a better frame of mind, I could see the "laughing with" aspect of it.

[BaronE]

never saw it

[droppin]

It is very sad, I have seen it but Some people are happy with there weight and she seem to be. I loved the part where he found himself that he did love her and it ddidnt matter that she was heavy

[emily30]

I'm not a TDC'er, but I wanted to comment on this movie.

I didn't find anything funny about this "Comedy" movie. Since when is it alright to ridicule a person for nearly the entirety of a movie and then try to end it with a warm fuzzy feeling? :thdown:

[LadyC]

it was the 'moral of the story' that was supposed to be gotten from it. society DOES ridicule overweight people, every day, all day long. hal was one of those people. he couldn't see beyond the the physical. he objectified women. if they didn't fit his 'ideal', they weren't worth acknowledging as human beings.

that's exactly what society does. if the movie had been a drama instead of a comedy, you'd probably have loved it... but it wouldn't have been a box office hit, and the many people whose attitudes may have changed as a result of that movie would never have learned the lesson it.

[Judynyc]

I'm not a TDC'er, but I wanted to comment on this movie.

I didn't find anything funny about this "Comedy" movie. Since when is it alright to ridicule a person for nearly the entirety of a movie and then try to end it with a warm fuzzy feeling? :thdown:


Thanks Emily!! :agree:

[SRabbit]

I didn't care for this movie---with stereotypes and jokes about heavy girls---the end is nice that he sees her and wants to be with her, but remember he had to be hypnotized to learn this lesson and probably would not have learned it otherwise or even given her a chance.

I had a co-worker who saw it in the theatre----with the audience laughing all the way through and hearing people making "fat girl" jokes walking out-----

But I'm glad that others enjoyed it---maybe it has to do with your own personal experiences too---

[Jetlagjen]

I think I cringed my way through that movie too...but the thing that annoyed me the most? When she was on the diving board in her bathing suit and everyone was eyeing her up nervously. To what end? Of course, the huge tsunami when she jumped in, washing everyone away. GIVE ME A BREAK! Hold on to your small children folks, Fatty's going in!
As an aside, I do not ever, EVER spend one moment of my life to watch the Nutty Professor movies. Nuh-uh. I once caught half of the first on on a flight and that was enough steriotyping to last me the rest of my life.

[potatofree]

I'm not a TDC'er, but I wanted to comment on this movie.

I didn't find anything funny about this "Comedy" movie. Since when is it alright to ridicule a person for nearly the entirety of a movie and then try to end it with a warm fuzzy feeling? :thdown:

I laughed my sizeable butt off becaue it's every one of my worst fears played out in such broad strokes that I was finally able to cut loose and have a good laugh about it. It's like the worst case scenario when I go swimming, that I'll tsunami everybody out of the pool! :lol:

[mmf503]

This movie made me very uncomfortable watching it, and I rented it! I can't imagine the humilitation of going to the theater as a morbidly obese woman to see this movie. It's been awhile since I saw this, but one thing I remember making me mad was how the fat girl was always stuffing her face in public. She's offered some cake and takes like half of it. Give me a break. I don't know about the rest of you but I do not let myself be seen gorging myself in public.

And the ultimate irony...Jack Black is no stud muffin himself. He's short and pudgy. :lol:

[deborah c]

I do have opinions about this movie, however not to go too off track, last night I saw Bridget's Diary. And through the whole movie all I could think (and believe me I looked and judged) was, hey - only her face looks fat - I would be so sorta happy to enbody the rest of her body - good golly give us real people a break now and then!

[bubbasbabe]

didn't like it. :( made me very uncomfortable. like a guy like Jack Black could "land" a supermodel anyway. and I don't mean just his looks either.

:)

[potatofree]

It was kind of poking fun at that as well... like many guys on teh internet dating sites that are my size/age and over, who all want "fit, attractive, athletic" matches when they are, well, so NOT! ;)

[Dorr185]

I thought the movie was pretty funny. I never really thought about it in the context as many of the people who replied to this thread. To me, what was most discomforting was the way the fat girl viewed herself. Sure the movie was full of stereotypes, but she played right into them. I don't think she made the situation any better, so ultimately I was unable to sympathize with her at the end.

Now, has only seen Phat Girls by Monique? It's plus sized beauty contest for bigger girls. There was also a True Life special on MTV that showed an inspiring plus-sized model. They were full of confidence and completely in love with themselves just they way they are.

I think this is what the character in the movie was missing. It's a lot easier for someone to knock you when you are down, but if you walk with confidence and your head held high you'll get a completely different response.

Personally, even at 406 pounds I never had problems attracting the type of person I wanted to be with. It was my attitude and personality that carried me through, and made me approachable.

I am guessing the character in the movie would have had the same problem had she been thin with the same attitude. Losing all the weight in the world won't make you more appealing.

[potatofree]

Dorr185- good point. When I was thin, I attracted worse losers, since I didn't think I deserved any better.

[LC_Dave]

Yeah, but why do we have to rely on attitude and personality, when so many skinny folks don't?

It is a real problem for fat folks out in the world. Not everyone can shrug it off with a brave face and attract the person they want.

We are all different, but there is one common thing - people treat fat people bad.

[LadyC]

i know it's often hard to see things from the other side... but skinny people also don't have it so easy. i used to be one. (skinny person).

skinny people get treated like objects, and find it hard to find a person who can value them for who they are rather than what they look like. it doesn't matter if you're fat or thin, society in general doesn't give a rat's butt about the person INSIDE... about the person's intelligence, personality, or sense of humour. those traits only serve as a stepping stone to the bedroom. that can lead to immense emotional pain... and terrible self-esteem issues.

i'm not trying to trivialize what overweight people deal with at all. after all, i'm a member here trying to lose weight like everyone else. but i think it's important for us to all realize that the grass ain't always greener. in the end, people treat others badly, regardless of weight, because it masks their own inadequacies.

[j13]

i know it's often hard to see things from the other side... but skinny people also don't have it so easy. i used to be one. (skinny person).

skinny people get treated like objects, and find it hard to find a person who can value them for who they are rather than what they look like. it doesn't matter if you're fat or thin, society in general doesn't give a rat's butt about the person INSIDE... about the person's intelligence, personality, or sense of humour. those traits only serve as a stepping stone to the bedroom. that can lead to immense emotional pain... and terrible self-esteem issues.

i'm not trying to trivialize what overweight people deal with at all. after all, i'm a member here trying to lose weight like everyone else. but i think it's important for us to all realize that the grass ain't always greener. in the end, people treat others badly, regardless of weight, because it masks their own inadequacies.

No offense, but wow, are you ever posting this in the wrong forum on this board. Not going to get a lot of sympathy.

-j.

[Judynyc]

Sorry LadyC but this is exactly why we have a Triple Digit Club here...for those who will finally have a place to be with others who have the same issue...over 100 lbs to lose!!

We do not have to see the other side when we post here...this is just for us. This maybe the only place in our lives that is.....just for us.

[SRabbit]

I have to say I was treated much better when I was thin!!! By male friends, employers, store clerks, MY MOTHER, etc.

Of course it is true that all kinds of people can be treated unfairly...but place a thin person by a fat person and see how each is treated-----

Many of us are still heavy because of how we've been treated--so we feel we don't have value---or we hide behind our weight to avoid being hurt..

Good thread though...

[Kandra]

This maybe the only place in our lives that is.....just for us. Well Judy you brought tears to my eyes with that well said statement. I know how I was treated before I gained weight vs how I was treated when I started putting a lot on. Especially when I moved to a new town where no one ever knew me as a thin person. That was when I really noticed the difference. I went from being the beauty queen type to being sick (chronic fatigue) and being very overweight.

At first I was stunned at people's attitudes and I felt so hurt and eventually I got pretty depressed about it. Then I just got angry. I mean really, if a person judges another based on skin color or size they're either prejudiced or a bigot. Did I really want to give that much power over how I felt about myself to strangers..bigots no less?

I no longer buy into a societial 'norm' on many things. I question the status quo to see what value, if any, it has. I chose to develop a better sense of self worth that is not based on my physical being or the opinion of others. I didn't have that before because I just cruised along in the social norms, not giving it a thought. So a lot of good has come to me from the pain.

I'm a work in progress as I still get hurt and angry. I still feel uncomfortable in some situations because of my size. But, everytime that I step back from the situation I always see that it's them and not me who is coming up short. They are prejudiced and narrow minded. Some are simple-minded bigots. All of them are ignorant. Do I want to buy into their belief that I am somehow less than because of my size? Should I value myself any less? NO. NO. NO.

[FatFreeMe]

I do have opinions about this movie, however not to go too off track, last night I saw Bridget's Diary. And through the whole movie all I could think (and believe me I looked and judged) was, hey - only her face looks fat - I would be so sorta happy to enbody the rest of her body - good golly give us real people a break now and then!
I know this is off subject, but when that movie came out, they were talking about how she had to put on 30 lbs to play the 'pudgy' part. I WISH I looked that pudgy! pfft. BTW, what's wrong with granny panties? lol

[LadyC]

my apologies for posting in the triple digits club. i always go to 'new posts' and hadn't realized what forum it was in. the thread title was about a movie that i've seen and i apologize if my voicing my opinion about the movie and about the feelings that the movie brought out in viewers offended anyone. but i do wish we could all see that we're ALL people, and regardless of weight, we all have insecurities, and we all face the judgement of others. and no matter what we look like, it hurts just the same.

[Judynyc]

my apologies for posting in the triple digits club. i always go to 'new posts' and hadn't realized what forum it was in. the thread title was about a movie that i've seen and i apologize if my voicing my opinion about the movie and about the feelings that the movie brought out in viewers offended anyone. but i do wish we could all see that we're ALL people, and regardless of weight, we all have insecurities, and we all face the judgement of others. and no matter what we look like, it hurts just the same.


FYI...when you click on "new posts" and look to the far right of your screen, you can see which forum each thread is located in. :idea:

[j13]

we all have insecurities, and we all face the judgement of others.

Which is why it's SO much worse when you're very (100+ lbs) overweight, which is something you can't relate to, which is why you don't "get it." It's also why we have our own forum, and why we're probably coming off as a pack of unreasonable asses. We have this forum because the rest of the time we have to hear thin people bitch about how hard it is for them while we have the exact same issues as them AND we're getting habitually kicked in the teeth by nearly everyone we meet.

You should really just leave it alone. You're not going to get us to think that because you have basically the same every day problems as us that we're all the same. We are not. We have the same issues as you, it's true. Now take that as your baseline - the negative things that you feel and experience - and add to that the incredible burden of societal prejudice, failing health and just not physically fitting in to the world. Then you can start to begin to maybe get a small idea of possibly understanding how different it is.

I've lost a bunch of weight and I'm not really treated that way anymore. This drives it home to me every single day. I see it in the way that I'm treated differently by everyone I meet than I was a year ago. There is no comparison. None of that every day stuff has gone away, and now I don't have that same burden. Granted, there are a couple of new challenges, but I'm trading those bad experiences at a rate of about 1 to 1000.

-j.

[2007]

Ok. So I like actually like this movie. I've seen it at least 3 or 4 times. I didn't really feel offended though (well maybe a bit when they show the extra large panties in the romantic scene) and I guess that was because I just took the movie for what is was...a comedy. I don't know...sometimes ya' just gotta laugh at yourself. Hopefully it will inspire you to move forward with your
weight loss goals instead of focusing on the negative aspect(s).

My favorite part of the movie though is not when he gets with the overweight lady in the end, but when he finally comes to the realization that people are beautiful no matter what.

That being said, what especially touched me about this movie is the scene where he goes back to the hospital and sees the little burned children as they really are and not the view he saw them in before. I thought that was so beautiful for him to see them as they really were and being accepting of them and thinking...yes...they are still beautiful children.



Dive deeply into who you really are, and have the courage to explore your most treasured dreams. Keep yourself connected to those dreams, and they will play out upon the stage of your life. ~ Ralph Marston


http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r238/AussieTPP/Animated%20Stuff/3cf61eba-1.gif
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of you heart ~Psalms 37:4

[potatofree]

2007- exactly. That burn unit moment made me bawl like a baby.

The only way I'd have been disgusted with the movie is if she had lost weight at the end, and rode off into the sunset with "her man". For once, in a movie, the man had to change his outlook to be worthy of the non-modelly woman. I hate movies where the homely girl takes off her glasses, shakes her hair, and becomes a supermodel. :rolleyes:

[kyrasdad]

i think it's important for us to all realize that the grass ain't always greener. in the end, people treat others badly, regardless of weight, because it masks their own inadequacies.

I don't think TDCers should shun non-TDC posters when they post here. There are some people who really do have things to add to these discussions. However...

You. Just. Have. No. Idea.

All of us have problems, and sure you have some that I probably don't and I have some you don't. And in the case of weighing 300, 400 pounds?

The grass is damn well greener. You haven't been on both sides and I have. It's emerald, sparkling, green.

[stacy0912]

Which is why it's SO much worse when you're very (100+ lbs) overweight, which is something you can't relate to, which is why you don't "get it." It's also why we have our own forum, and why we're probably coming off as a pack of unreasonable asses. We have this forum because the rest of the time we have to hear thin people bitch about how hard it is for them while we have the exact same issues as them AND we're getting habitually kicked in the teeth by nearly everyone we meet.

i've noticed at some places here and really in 'real life' that what you say doesn't matter if your not at goal. losing a 100 isn't enough if you still have another 80 to lose...what i have to say isn't validated yet. someone here said recently to not listen to what i have to say since i haven't been at goal for years and kept the weight off so i clearly don't know what i'm talking about. this is a really unhealthy way of thinking to me. i'm not saying a person who has only 10,20, or 30 pounds to lose shouldn't be validated on having any weighty problems. don't get me wrong, us 100+ pounders didn't corner the market on having 'issues' but to me light weights can't talk for 'all of us overweight people' because their problems are just not the same as ours.

one thing i see all the time here is if your really heavy little effort is needed to lose the weight in the beginning. now how many people saying this was 300 pounds ever in their lives? a lot of effort is needed in the beginning, middle, and end. just to conceive the idea, for me, to give up my security chocolate eating everyday was a big effort. i started at 338 pounds. i had a big relationship with food that had to be broken...that's a big effort. my first month i only lost 15 pounds, not the stereotypical 30 that i've been reading is normal if your HUGE to begin with. i lose at the same rate as i did when i was 180. if i move my butt and cut out the carbs, i lose weight, that simple.

*stepped off soap box*

[2007]

I don't think TDCers should shun non-TDC posters when they post here. There are some people who really do have things to add to these discussions.

Hope this doesn't get me kicked out of the TDC, but I agree. I understand that this forum is for us and that is way cool, but I also think it's a good idea to get an OVERALL perspective...a birds eye view.

I don't think we should attack or dismiss slim people's comments just because they have never been a triple digit. Now if they or anyone else for that fact is just being a moron then I can understand, but heck, anybody can be a moron..doesn't have anything to do with weight.

If we reject or shun them then aren't we ourselves acting the same way we state we don't want to be treated.

It's like project management in a way, you always want to have a guy from the opposite team or from the competition on your side because that is valuable information you weren't subject to before.

Can't we just all get along. :D

Dive deeply into who you really are, and have the courage to explore your most treasured dreams. Keep yourself connected to those dreams, and they will play out upon the stage of your life. ~ Ralph Marston


http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r238/AussieTPP/Animated%20Stuff/3cf61eba-1.gif
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of you heart ~Psalms 37:4

[potatofree]

I do get the "bigger picture" when I visit the rest of the board... also when people make it a point to tell me they know just how I feel because they had 20 pounds to lose once and felt like a whale. :rolleyes:

It's not "shunning" when people come in and try to pretend they know how we feel, or to diminish our problems and concerns because it "could be worse".

I don't go into threads where the thin people are crying over 5 lbs and tell them how their problems are nothing compared to mine, or give them a bunch of unsolicited guidance in how they ought to see things. Having an area for people with a larger amount to lose is just ONE place to go where you don't have to hear about how you're being selfish for just wanting one place to post where you know everyone is going to understand you, even if they don't agree. THAT is perspective, too. Having a discussion about varying points of view from the same 'weight class" gives a real insight into how our journeys are different, even though we are the same in our size. Sometimes, that gives me the boost I need to go out and take my lumps out where I might not be looked at in the same way.

Sorry, but hearing another heavy (or formerly heavy) person say they weren't offended by the fat jokes just has an entirely different meaning than a thin person saying the same thing.

[j13]

I do get the "bigger picture" when I visit the rest of the board... also when people make it a point to tell me they know just how I feel because they had 20 pounds to lose once and felt like a whale. :rolleyes:

It's not "shunning" when people come in and try to pretend they know how we feel, or to diminish our problems and concerns because it "could be worse".

I don't go into threads where the thin people are crying over 5 lbs and tell them how their problems are nothing compared to mine, or give them a bunch of unsolicited guidance in how they ought to see things. Having an area for people with a larger amount to lose is just ONE place to go where you don't have to hear about how you're being selfish for just wanting one place to post where you know everyone is going to understand you, even if they don't agree. THAT is perspective, too. Having a discussion about varying points of view from the same 'weight class" gives a real insight into how our journeys are different, even though we are the same in our size. Sometimes, that gives me the boost I need to go out and take my lumps out where I might not be looked at in the same way.

Sorry, but hearing another heavy (or formerly heavy) person say they weren't offended by the fat jokes just has an entirely different meaning than a thin person saying the same thing.

What she said. :thup:

To be clearer, I don't shun people as a rule - I think that if people who aren't TDC members have something to useful or supportive to add, it's great if they post that here. Particularly if they're "former members" (although I think of myself as a lifer, regardless of my weight). But if they don't have something that's helpful, then they should not post here. And I don't mean that maybe they shouldn't, I mean that they definitely should not.

Seriously, if I have to come to the TDC and read another post about how "it's hard for everyone, we're all the same," I'm going to shoot myself in the throat. This forum wouldn't even exist on this board if it wasn't different. People make those kinds of posts in here pretty regularly - the longer you're around the more of them you see. They add literally nothing, and can make you feel guilty about feeling bad for your situation, or feel bad about how others view you as a person that heavy, both of which are unhealthy and can demotivate you. Feeling bad about my situation and coming to terms with the fact that it was way worse than others' situations and then dealing with it knowing how grave it was was a big part of how I got started doing something positive for myself in the first place.

-j.

[potatofree]

I know plenty of loving, helpful people who just have less to lose than I, and a whole different set of problems, but they don't pretend to know how I feel. I also know plenty of people who started out at twice my beginning weight, and I can't imagine telling them "Oh, it's not so bad! You say you can't breathe if you don't sit up all night? Wow! I get out of breath when I climb too many flights of stairs all at once. See? We ARE all the same! :cheer: "

[kyrasdad]

But if they don't have something that's helpful, then they should not post here. And I don't mean that maybe they shouldn't, I mean that they definitely should not.

Oh I am in total agreement with you there. I do not want to hear about the difficulties of the lifetime-thin or 10-pound loser, or how people are all mistreated (please!!!) from someone weighing 150 pounds wanting to get to 130 or 140. They are like virgins trying to discuss sex; they cannot know, they cannot imagine, they should not comment where they have nothing to add.

What I do want to say is that there are plenty of helpful people who feel they can't, or shouldn't post in this area. If you are being helpful and supportive, I don't care what you weigh.

[jjj]

I'm sorry for posting in this forum. I only had 40-50 lbs to lose when I started this change of life-style (did not find this site until a few months into it.. ) and prior to the gain had not been heavy. I saw the movie name and was drawn to read what people thought of it. You know... in life what I think is 'funny' (but not 'haha' funny) is how people with different issues (overweight, horrible skin problems, "ugly", bald... on to extreme low income, homosexual, handicapped in various ways) always seem to look at others in a negative light to make themselves feel better. I was shunned by the heaviest of girls in my class. I guess because of my family's financial things or the clothes I wore or something. I can't come close to saying that I 'understand' what it is like to be obese... but I can definately relate to what it is to be ridiculed. Another 'funny' thing is that being an asshole does not seem to be directly correlated to how heavy, ugly, beautiful someone is... that is a stereotype. And I don't mean to bring up yet another stereotype but... yes, personality matters to both heavy and thin people (Jeesh, I sure hope it matters. I could be married to Patrick Swaze but if he's an ass, my life is still hell, right?)... BUT... it is viewed as more acceptable (or less undesirable) for a male to be heavy than for a female... at least it seems that way to me? Seems that women really are made to feel more like our bodies are such a large part of our worth that they 'outweigh' (no pun intended) the deeper aspects. Or ... maybe I'm just bitter :p :)

I wont watch the movie... the previews pissed me off :p

Anyway... good work and good luck to everyone.

[Judynyc]

on to extreme low income, homosexual, handicapped in various ways) always seem to look at others in a negative light to make themselves feel better

and your point is?:confused:

[jjj]

^Are you kidding? I give up.

[SRabbit]

All of the passion represented here shows why I appreciate having a spot to go to on this board that reflects where I'm at in life.

The time may come when I am frustrated by my last 10 lbs...but until then I have 130 lbs to lose, the weight of some of the people who are complaining about having to lose 10 lbs and who think they're fat.... so it is a different perspective entirely.

Having lost what I've lost so far, I get to celebrate going to a movie and finally being able to sit straight in the theatre seat, I get to celebrate finally being able to see my weight on the scale without having to lean over my big tummy. No one who has only 15 lbs to lose has experienced that. It might be a little thing, but the people that come to the TDC all nod and relate to it when I write about it.

I do agree that I want to see helpful and positive posts here;and I don't care what weight those people are at, anyone that is supportive of me I welcome----but any other kind of post is difficult to read.... and frustrating....

But like I said, it is the passion we feel for where we are, what we want to do, and how much we want to see each other accomplish our goals that drives us here, I think.....

[shaeintx]

I understand your point jjj, but I also respect that this forum is for tdc, a club I hope to never be in but I do come here often and read because these people are inspiring to me. I have 50 pounds to lose, my best friend has 150....her struggle will of course be much more difficult and longer than mine. There are many worse problems than being overweight and there are possible forums to discuss these problems. However, this forum is for tdc and is focusing on weight loss not low income, homosexual, handicapped, etc. OK I am leaving because I am probably not welcome here and I do respect that.

[LiveWell]

I was afraid to watch the movie myself. I didn't want to feel worse about myself, but I did end up watching it and I liked it. It was funny to me, I agree with whomever said that it was a huge collection of "worst nightmares" all balled up into one and they tried to learn a little lesson at the end.

All in all it was a comedy and thats the way I took it, even though it did scare me to watch it at first.

[2007]

Retreating to my own space.

http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e347/islandgirllove2fete/novascotia.jpg

Dive deeply into who you really are, and have the courage to explore your most treasured dreams. Keep yourself connected to those dreams, and they will play out upon the stage of your life. ~ Ralph Marston


http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r238/AussieTPP/Animated%20Stuff/3cf61eba-1.gif
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of you heart ~Psalms 37:4

[deborah c]

J13, Potatoefree, and all you all, who "get it" I love you - thanks for saying what I feel. Probably the only reason I did not hit 300 - 400 lbs. was that I was truly dieing at 255. Breathing problems, just moving around and my knees - yikes! Carb addict and binge eater oh, ok and the more people 'out there' put me down, i.e. the movie, the more I wanted to eat all the wrong stuff. And to my fellow poster with the mother who says and does hurtful things, she might just see it as tough love maybe? Even so (I too have been there) our histories are oh so familar, she probably will never "get it" so you just keep on keeping on and in the long run you do 'get it' and will be a better mother to your daughter when she needs you. And to anyone who is starting to lose weight at 150 to 140 lbs.....well you know...!

[SRabbit]

Oh, Gail---my heart goes out to you with your mother!!!! With mine it wasn't tough love, just a self involved woman who never really cared for me and was very disinterested in me, but always found something to criticize about me, unless of course she needed something....my daughter confronted her on the way she treated me, it still didn't stop...she's passed away now and I have to honestly say I don't miss her---it's not an evil thing, it's just she never should have been a mom and I suffered because of it...

With my own daughter, it is the total opposite. She knows how much I love and support her, we are great friends (still live in the same house but it's me living with her family now instead of vice versa!) and we are both continuing on with her daughter, making sure she knows she's loved and supported.

At least we all learned from it, and stopped the pattern.....

I wish you the best Gail---and I know you are doing this for yourself anyway---and you are so worth it!!

[Greenwitch]

I really am glad that someone used the phrase "they don't get it". It's the best say I can think of to describe the life of a TDC vs. a non-TDC individual. I have a constant hum of insecurity about my weight where ever I go. Walking into a restaurant, going to visit my own mother, walking down the street and seeing my reflection in a window. It's always there. Always. Always standing out. Honest to god, I almost feel comfort when I hear stats about one in four people being obese. I think "good. I'm not alone." I know, not nice, but hey what can I say.

I was so grateful to find this TDC that I actually hung around and read the posts for months before stepping forward. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the same thing that makes some of us shy away from social situations. The fear of non-acceptance. I consider myself outgoing, confident in business, and able to do so much in my life, but my weight doesn't reflect that in the eyes of some people. Not when the stereo types say otherwise.

I once had my own mother say to me "Well, you were pretty once. You're lucky you got married at your size." I was 310 when I got married. If I even hint that I'm losing weight, you can gaurantee the phone will ring every day asking me what I ate and how much I lost. It becomes her obesssion. For that reason, when I went to see her today I dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and baggy pants. She said to me "your face looks thinner". I told her it was my hair cut. I honestly have a fear of the attention I get when I lose weight. She obsesses and tells me how bad I looked when I was heavier.

I hate my reflection. Can a person at 150lbs hate their reflection? I suppose so. Body image is body image and we can't walk in someone else's shoes. But don't for a second tell me that someone at that weight nows what it's like to look in the mirror and see an absolutely shapless, sexless body or fret when you have in your mind an outfit you'd like to wear to a wedding, but then put it on and realize you look like bolder with fancy material wrapped around it. They don't know what it's like to go to a clothing store and pay $80.00 for a pair of jeans you know would cost $30.00 in a regular sized store. They don't know what it's like to wear pants and oversized clothing in the middle of summer and panic at the thought of an outdoor event because all you have that fits is hot jeans and sweatshirts, and you'd rather die than wear shorts and a t-shirt to be cool. They have no idea what it's like to be terrified because you wonder if your heart is going to give out the next time you run up the stairs. They have no idea what it's like to tripa dn fall and break an ankle honestly because of tripping, but have someone say to you "well, your weight didn't help." They have no idea what it's like to have a perfectly lovely evening out at a restaurant and order dessert with friends, and see the table next to you look at you, then look at each other and whisper. They have no idea what it's like to have fun at an event until someone pulls out a camera and you find yourself leaving quickly, or hiding in the back of the crowd in the picture so only your face shows and even then not smiling widly because you dont want your fat face showing all your chins. They have no idea what it's like to lie to someone and say you can't travel to see them when really you're just worried about sitting in the stupid plane seat for 8hrs and squashing the poor so-and-so beside you or worse, maybe being turned away at the airport.

Even at 150 pounds, they are for the most part AVERAGE SIZED. Sure they may want to lose weight and hey, that's fine, but don't give me anything about someone average sized understanding for a minute what pyschological struggle and damage being 100+ overweight does. And if I hear someone say "Well, if you hate it so much then do someting about it" as if it's so easy, I'll honestly lose my mind.

Sorry for rambling, but it just got me thinking.

I am SO grateful for the TDC. The emotional generosity and understanding of this group absolutely touches my heart.

[Judynyc]

Good ramble Greenwitch :thup: , thats exactly why the TDC exists...for us to have a place to say those things and not be judged for our feelings.

[stacy0912]

Oh, Gail---my heart goes out to you with your mother!!!! With mine it wasn't tough love, just a self involved woman who never really cared for me and was very disinterested in me, but always found something to criticize about me, unless of course she needed something....my daughter confronted her on the way she treated me, it still didn't stop...she's passed away now and I have to honestly say I don't miss her---it's not an evil thing, it's just she never should have been a mom and I suffered because of it...

With my own daughter, it is the total opposite. She knows how much I love and support her, we are great friends (still live in the same house but it's me living with her family now instead of vice versa!) and we are both continuing on with her daughter, making sure she knows she's loved and supported.

At least we all learned from it, and stopped the pattern.....

I wish you the best Gail---and I know you are doing this for yourself anyway---and you are so worth it!!

i think we have the same mother :(

[stacy0912]

why are mothers so mean? i know all aren't but to many of us 'bigger' gals they seem to be mean to us. mine was always particularly mean even when i was thin but it got really bad after i had my dd. she just doesn't really acknowledge anything i say. at holidays at her house i can say something and she will just leave the room. she did this my whole life. i thought it was in my head until dh notices this and can't stand the way she treats me. my sister on the hand, who is as tiny as ally mcbeal can do no wrong. my mom and i have a phone relationship and we live 20 minutes apart. if we're on the phone 20 minutes once a week were fine, more than that and she'll say something rude to me.

i try sooo hard to not do this to my dd. but the patterns you grow up with are hard to change. the obvious ones are i don't laugh when she sings (she's kinda tone deaf at 11 years old) i encourage her to keep trying and want to give her voice lessons, we go shopping a lot and have mom and daughter days. something i always wanted and my mom truly deprived me of, her attention. but i do find myself thinking things that i'm afraid will come out of my mouth, unhealthy critical things that she does. my dd is as skinny as a rail and a natural beauty so at least she won't have some of the problems i had growing up. not that i'm giving my mom an out on how she treated me but it's hard being a mother to a daughter when you see your own flaws in them.

[Mangaw]

I understand your point jjj, but I also respect that this forum is for tdc, a club I hope to never be in but I do come here often and read because these people are inspiring to me. I have 50 pounds to lose, my best friend has 150....her struggle will of course be much more difficult and longer than mine. There are many worse problems than being overweight and there are possible forums to discuss these problems. However, this forum is for tdc and is focusing on weight loss not low income, homosexual, handicapped, etc. OK I am leaving because I am probably not welcome here and I do respect that.The title of this thread caught my attention and I read through the entire thing. I'm not a TDC'er, but I wanted to say........er, well........^^^^^what she said.

I posted in a couple of journals about my dear friend who was extremely overweight. While I've not been there myself, she confided in me a lot and I do understand a lot about what you go through when you are that much overweight. I am happy for each of you that you are working on it and that you have this place to come together. Good luck to you all. :bhug:

Deb *sneaking back out of the thread*

[SRabbit]

I think one of the most important things I've tried to instill in my daughter is self-confidence and the knowledge that she "can" instead of "it will never happen for you because". If she wants something she goes for it, and she's not afraid to work for things. She cares about herself (not in a vain way) because she knows that she has value.

She's very thin, but works out so that she can also be in shape. She looks to relationships and art and enjoying life for satisfaction instead of food (she loves food, just has never been an overeater)

For most of us here, we never learned that we had value. I was thin when I was young, I weighed 135 when I had my daughter 29 years ago (yesterday was her b-day). I just never felt thin, and never felt I was worth working for--and I had a husband that was horribly abusive and constantly told me things that built the low esteem even higher, and with no support from my mother I fell into a pattern that took years to get out of, a lot of it with my daughter's help.

That is why I say to each one of you, you ARE worth doing this for, you DO have value----no matter what you've been told or how you feel when you look in the mirror---the truth is the truth!

[stacy0912]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

thank you srabbit. i'm 31 and still am in that pattern with my mom. i can't seem to stop caring about what she thinks of me. your 100 percent right, my mother also says "you can't and this is why..." i always wish she would've stopped herself and be proud if her dd did something. my sister is soon to be a doctor. she overcame my mothers ramblings and mental abuse and is a very 'intacked' person. i'm the youngest and i just craved the good intentions she barely threw my way. it's sad even now when i call her before she hears my voice it's "GOOD MORNING" and after she hears it it's "oh how are you"..maybe i'm too sensitive but i pick this up. she has multiple friends that calls or my sister so i'm the bottom of her totem pole.

when i had cancer she never once called to see how i was doing the whole year i was sick and in treatment. but she would cry to everyone else my condition...i don't think i'll ever forgive her for that. being in the hospital twice and all she cared about is taking my daughter, and never bringing her to see me but once for 5 minutes because she had other more pressing things to do. ok, this isn't therapy hour lol....i better stop.

[PS Diva]

ok, this isn't therapy hour lol....i better stop.
Maybe it isn't therapy hour, but it is truly helpful to hear other people have the same kinds of problems, (and the same kinds of mothers!) as I do.

[Judynyc]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

thank you srabbit. i'm 31 and still am in that pattern with my mom. i can't seem to stop caring about what she thinks of me. your 100 percent right, my mother also says "you can't and this is why..." i always wish she would've stopped herself and be proud if her dd did something. my sister is soon to be a doctor. she overcame my mothers ramblings and mental abuse and is a very 'intacked' person. i'm the youngest and i just craved the good intentions she barely threw my way. it's sad even now when i call her before she hears my voice it's "GOOD MORNING" and after she hears it it's "oh how are you"..maybe i'm too sensitive but i pick this up. she has multiple friends that calls or my sister so i'm the bottom of her totem pole.

when i had cancer she never once called to see how i was doing the whole year i was sick and in treatment. but she would cry to everyone else my condition...i don't think i'll ever forgive her for that. being in the hospital twice and all she cared about is taking my daughter, and never bringing her to see me but once for 5 minutes because she had other more pressing things to do. ok, this isn't therapy hour lol....i better stop.

Getting it out of you is good Stacy!!
I too, had a crappy mother....I'm so sorry that you are still having to deal with her....I wonder if they realize the damage they do with the crap that they spew out of their mouths.:thdown:


For most of us here, we never learned that we had value. I was thin when I was young, I weighed 135 when I had my daughter 29 years ago (yesterday was her b-day). I just never felt thin, and never felt I was worth working for--and I had a husband that was horribly abusive and constantly told me things that built the low esteem even higher, and with no support from my mother I fell into a pattern that took years to get out of, a lot of it with my daughter's help.

srabbit has learned from her mother, what NOT to do with her daughter and I'm sure that you too, have learned from your mom. There will have to be a point in time that you put your foot down and say to yourself "enough!"...you can't change her she will keep doing and saying what she always has.....all you can do is change you and your reactions to her. You can also severly limit your contact with her to avoid her toxicity. You get to control your life now....you do not have to allow her to continually put you down.

Much like srabbit, I too, had been abused by my mother, mentally, emotionally and physically since I was a young kid, actually soon after my kid sister was born when I was 2 1/2 yrs old. I fell in love with men who abused me because that was what my emotional map attracted to me...it was what I thought of as "love" :rolleyes: But it was not a conscious act on my part as it just happened. I've come a long way since then and now see it for what it was.

But you're now married to a man who loves and honors you....that says a lot about the you of today!! Look at the good things that you have in your life now...and toss away the bad....she maybe your mom but no person has the right to take away your happiness and only you can draw the line in the sand and put an end to it.

Hugs to you Stacy!! :bhug:

[SRabbit]

Judy, you are so right!

Stacy, you need to do what I did, and that is really celebrate the family you are creating with your husband and "shake the dirt off your shoes" as it were---turn away from the relationship you sort of have with your mother and turn solidly towards your real family.

We don't get to choose the family we're born into, but you've chosen both your husband and your children (and your dog or cat if you have one!!) So there is your security, your happiness, your loyalty.

Limit your time with your mother; and don't worry about whether you see her or not, whether she treats your kids or your sister or the bird in the yard better; she is a person that is very flawed and if she wasn't your mother you probably wouldn't make friends with her anyway. Let your kids have a separate relationship with her if need be; my kids saw right through my mother at an early age and didn't want to spend that much time with her---but if they had that would have been okay if she treated them okay.

You are not who your mother has decided you are---just remember that---she hasn't allowed herself to really see how wonderful and vibrant and loving you are--and she never will....

You will be okay, I promise you, if you stop looking to her for acceptance. Don't put more importance on the label "mother" than she deserves----

And come here for therapy as often as you want---as you can see there are many people here who totally relate to what you're going through----

thanks for letting me be so longwinded!!!!

[stacy0912]

Ok srabbit and judy you've done it and made me cry...those were such thoughtful and well written posts. my mother was abusive physically too, but only to me. funny, for many years i thought maybe i wasn't hers since she never treated my brother and sister the same way. i remind myself all the time to try and put it behind me and raise my dd in not the way that i was raised but in the way i wasn't raised. it is a daily struggle to not blurt out the same hurtful things when my dd is pushing every button there is inside of me when she's angry. she's going on 12 so she's getting to her height with the mouth recently. it truly is a daily struggle..she's sad, happy, angry, and elated all within the span of one hour..and this cycle repeats 8 times a day :lol:

i went on at 20 to marry a man (my dd's father) who was verbally and physically abusive too. when we divorced i left him the house and everything in it, i just took 1700 and my daughter and started over. we were married for six years when i finally put an end to it. my dh is the exact opposite on so many levels and i thank god everyday i found him. but when i divorced my ex in 2001 my mom went out of her way to make me feel guilty about it..she was really close to him and in hindsight i see why, they both mutually put me down and enjoyed it.

when my ex got remarried a year and a half ago my mom and step dad went to his wedding and partied until 1 am with them and her whole family, all 250 guests. this was a HUGE wedding, 50,000 dollars. stupid since his wife was married before too. anyways, the next day after the wedding she must've went to a 1 hour photo place and by late afternoon came over with a album of pictures for ME TO KEEP AT MY HOUSE FOR MY DD. is she for real? she was looking for a reaction but i did my usual "oh wow, that's nice..oh laura looked beautiful in her gown, thats nice" but when she told me to keep it here i said "why? brooke's got a home with her dad and that's where she can keep it". my mom goes way beyond to hurt me.

now my mom is seeing the real step mom my dd has with the latest current events unfolding since december. for the last five years if i say one negative thing about her or my ex my mom is all over me. nevertheless we weren't allowed to mention my own father's name in our house growing up. so hypocritical. my ex and i are going into court april 19th for a change of support. after he verbally attacked and harassed me in december i put a stop to his gravy train. when our support was configured he made 35 k and i made just 11 an hour. so it was set at 100 a week. now he's making 100k and i'm making nothing so he is severly p*ssed that his ride is coming to an end. oh he called me everything in december from a horrible mother, to being a dead beat who doesn't pay for anything. so i asked him do you think brooke can stay alive on 400 a month? he said yes..i thought this guy is dellusional. not only that we took five trips last year, she's always having new clothes, etc and he doesn't buy her anything...he tells her it's in the support. thats what started this in december because he wouldn't buy her a 7 dollar sweat shirt. when he and his wife take trips they never have taken her in five years anywhere, they go alone. we went to nyc 4 times and san diego once last year and i'm the "pathetic parent" i swear, he and my mom are cut from the same cloth.

how can you tell someone they're a bad mother when that person is doing 100 percent of the leg work in raising a child, even when deathly ill from cancer i got no help from him or my mother. why because i'm fortunate to stay home and raise my kids, i'm a deadbeat. his wife stays home with their baby so i asked him "what does that make her". grrr you see, there's not enough forum space for me to air out my problems with him and my mom.

[Kris S]

This maybe the only place in our lives that is.....just for us.

After reading some of the responses in this thread, I'm not so sure that this is a place for me. I'm treated as well heavy as I was when I was thin. The quality of man that I attract is better than when I was thinner and younger.

Losing weight isn't a magical experience that makes the world a beautiful place filled with bunnies, puppies, and roses. It's the same old world, heavy or thin. If there aren't snide remarks about your weight, it'll be about the clothes you're wearing. If it's not the clothes, it's your hair. If it's not your hair, it's the lack of it.

No one can make you miserable and insecure without your permission.

[PS Diva]

I'm treated as well heavy as I was when I was thin. Well, I'd say you are a pretty lucky lady then. That isn't everyone's experience. And I don't think it is particularly friendly to belittle those whose experiences are different than yours for not just shaking it off. No one can make you miserable and insecure without your permission. Abuse is abuse. Sometimes the best we can do is survive it.

[Kris S]

Well, I'd say you are a pretty lucky lady then. That isn't everyone's experience. And I don't think it is particularly friendly to belittle those whose experiences are different than yours for not just shaking it off. Abuse is abuse. Sometimes the best we can do is survive it.


It has nothing to do with luck. You're only treated as poorly as you allow people to treat you.

If it's belittling to encourage someone to be confident in themselves and not define their self-worth as a dress size or through the negative comments of others, then yes, I'm belittling the entire group and will continue to do so.

I apologize if that offends you. However, I don't apologize for demanding respect, receiving it, and encouraging others to do the same.

[SRabbit]

Kris, I think everyone here comes from such different experiences, and sometimes you do have no control over what happens to you----especially as a child, when you aren't in a position to leave the situation and you aren't knowledgeable enough to know that what you are being told is a lie and comes from an evil person even if it is a parent.

When you are put down for years as a child, it's difficult to step back and say "hey, I have worth and I have value" because the truth that you know inside is (and it's really a lie but as a child you think it's the truth) that your mother or your father thinks your worthless so you must be---it IS a brainwash and it IS a lie, I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well---but to a child it is the truth and shapes how that child views themselves, and it is very hard for them to break it because they don't have the tools to do so---

I agree that it is very good to encourage people to be confident in themselves and to break the chain of low self esteem, many times by cutting off the person responsible---but I think it is simplistic to say that you're only treated as poorly as you allow people to treat you as there are a lot of evil relatives in people's lives that aren't going to change and that we do have to deal with at times.

My brother apologized to me when he was an adult for how much better my mother treated him...it wasn't just me thinking it---I avoided spending time with her, but when she was elderly and he lived out of state it was me doing all the shopping etc. with her---so I couldn't avoid her and her ways, and I couldn't change her. For me, I did try to do what you refer to, not allow it all to get to me, but it was very difficult...

I understand where you're coming from......we're just not all there yet.....oh how I wish we were!!

[j13]

It has nothing to do with luck. You're only treated as poorly as you allow people to treat you.

Bullshit. Saying that implies that you're culpable for the actions of others, which you are not. You can only effect your own decisions and actions, not those of others, and people WILL treat you like crap for your physical appearance (be it weight, race, gender, sexuality - whatever) - which has NOTHING to do with the content of your character.

I know this because I am now treated ENTIRELY differently than I was some 14 months ago. This is not an illusion. This is not because I gained intelligence or self-respect. I've always had both. And I defend myself like no one I know - I have a vicious tongue when provoked. This is not because I "allowed" people to treat me badly. If anyone I know who knows me heard someone imply that about me, they'd die laughing. I'll cut someone down to size in an instant. And I didn't act like a loser - I have lived with a massive need to excel at different things just to feel average. And none of that has changed in the short year I've lost this weight. NONE of it. It is not me that has changed in any non-physical way. It IS them. It IS the way I'm perceived.

I am treated differently because I'm thinner. I was not responsible when strangers (STRANGERS - not people who knew me in any way):

- accosted me on my way into a takeout place and then threw their food at my car as I drove away late one night
- mocked me as I walked in the front door of my apartment
- made it known that there was no way I was getting a job for which I was entirely qualified due only to my weight
- physically intimidated me in a bar
- mocked me on a train in front of my brother
- wouldn't look me in the eye when we met
- etc.
- etc.
- etc.

Further, to use some of the most obvious examples in history - and NOT to draw a parallel between their struggles and and those that are undergone by the severely obese in this country, because they are clearly on ENTIRELY different levels of severity - the jews didn't bring it upon themselves when the nazis persecuted them. Blacks didn't bring jim crow on themselves. Reginald Denny didn't get hit in the head with a brick because he brought it on himself. Women didn't bring unequal pay on themselves. Etc. etc. etc.

You are NOT treated badly only because you allow it to happen. Are there times when that's the case? Sure, especially if you are involved with abusive one-on-one relationships. But when strangers treat you badly, it is an ENTIRELY different ballgame. If you are severely overweight in this country you're constantly under mental duress that thin people do not have to put up with. Period. THAT is not their fault.

I am not saying that being overweight is not the fault of the individual - it is. I take full responsibility for where I was physically 14 months ago. But I was NOT responsible for how I was treated by complete strangers every single day.

-j.

[Kris S]

We'll simply have to agree to disagree on this one. :)

I wish you all the best, but I'm not feeling you on this.

[Judynyc]

I feel him on this as do most of us in the TDC.....I know how it was for me and what it is now...and its a world of difference. :idea:


Its a YMMV thing and you must be a very special woman to be able to feel the way you do about yourself at your current weight.

I know that for me.....I was not lucky in that way at all. I had family that shunned me at my high weight....strangers would taunt me in public....I was constantly on the defense of being mortified due to my weight.

It is apparent to me that when we can come together and share our mutually bad experiences, it somehow lightens our load....and we move on.

Each person's experience is unique to them and its good to honor all of our experiences and avoid being judgemental as that tends to invalidate other's experiences.

I wish you success in your weight loss journey!!

[Dorr185]

It has nothing to do with luck. You're only treated as poorly as you allow people to treat you.

If it's belittling to encourage someone to be confident in themselves and not define their self-worth as a dress size or through the negative comments of others, then yes, I'm belittling the entire group and will continue to do so.

I apologize if that offends you. However, I don't apologize for demanding respect, receiving it, and encouraging others to do the same.

Preach! I love your attitude. We would TOTALLY be friends if we met in real life. LOL.

[Kris S]

you must be a very special woman to be able to feel the way you do about yourself at your current weight.


Some people ask "How could she like herself at that size?"

I ask, "Why shouldn't I?" :D

[potatofree]

Bullshit. Saying that implies that you're culpable for the actions of others, which you are not. You can only effect your own decisions and actions, not those of others, and people WILL treat you like crap for your physical appearance (be it weight, race, gender, sexuality - whatever) - which has NOTHING to do with the content of your character.

I know this because I am now treated ENTIRELY differently than I was some 14 months ago. This is not an illusion. This is not because I gained intelligence or self-respect. I've always had both. And I defend myself like no one I know - I have a vicious tongue when provoked. This is not because I "allowed" people to treat me badly. If anyone I know who knows me heard someone imply that about me, they'd die laughing. I'll cut someone down to size in an instant. And I didn't act like a loser - I have lived with a massive need to excel at different things just to feel average. And none of that has changed in the short year I've lost this weight. NONE of it. It is not me that has changed in any non-physical way. It IS them. It IS the way I'm perceived.

I am treated differently because I'm thinner. I was not responsible when strangers (STRANGERS - not people who knew me in any way):

- accosted me on my way into a takeout place and then threw their food at my car as I drove away late one night
- mocked me as I walked in the front door of my apartment
- made it known that there was no way I was getting a job for which I was entirely qualified due only to my weight
- physically intimidated me in a bar
- mocked me on a train in front of my brother
- wouldn't look me in the eye when we met
- etc.
- etc.
- etc.

Further, to use some of the most obvious examples in history - and NOT to draw a parallel between their struggles and and those that are undergone by the severely obese in this country, because they are clearly on ENTIRELY different levels of severity - the jews didn't bring it upon themselves when the nazis persecuted them. Blacks didn't bring jim crow on themselves. Reginald Denny didn't get hit in the head with a brick because he brought it on himself. Women didn't bring unequal pay on themselves. Etc. etc. etc.

You are NOT treated badly only because you allow it to happen. Are there times when that's the case? Sure, especially if you are involved with abusive one-on-one relationships. But when strangers treat you badly, it is an ENTIRELY different ballgame. If you are severely overweight in this country you're constantly under mental duress that thin people do not have to put up with. Period. THAT is not their fault.

I am not saying that being overweight is not the fault of the individual - it is. I take full responsibility for where I was physically 14 months ago. But I was NOT responsible for how I was treated by complete strangers every single day.

-j.

No, we aren't responsible for other people's actions, but as adults, we CAN choose how much time we want to devote to licking our wounds over it.

I see a lot of people making a meal of their hardships, and it makes me sad. Dwelling in the past solves nothing, and just accepting the bad treatment others heap on us means we give them power and control they don't deserve.

[Kandra]

No, we aren't responsible for other people's actions, but as adults, we CAN choose how much time we want to devote to licking our wounds over it.
I think it all comes down to our own perception and interpretation of how we're treated by others. If Kris never sees any of the stuff going on in society I say more power to you and how did you get where you are girl??

Of course there's study after study about how society treats poorly the overweight and, how did Potatofree put it one day, the not so facially fortunate. :cool: Yes, the abuse is out there, but it's how we perceive it (or not even perceive it, as in the case of kris) and then process it.

Like PotatoFree is saying, if we own all those LIES then we have massive wounds to lick and nurse. If we stay there in the pain then it piles up and can overwhelm us leaving us insecure at best and with a heap of self hatred at worse.

How I try to deal:
I try to remind myself that if someone is a bigot their comments and actions are about THEM and not about me. In other words I do my best not to make it mine or take on what they said as being in any way true in my reality. That way it's not about me, it's really about their lack of .... common sense, common decency...heartfulness...humanity... well just fill in blank there. If the abuse comes from someone I know it usually hurts and then I have to step back to process it. It's not as intense when strangers do it. When my family USED to say things I told the sensitive ones that it hurt my feelings and asked them to stop. I told the abusive and abrasive ones that the subject is OFF LIMITS. They had made their opinions perfectly clear and i don't want to hear another word. EVER. PERIOD. They now back off and don't say anything about my weight, size, etc. I did have to spend several years not communicating with my sister b/c she was verbally abusive. But it was worth it as she is respectful of me now.

We can't stop the abusive behavior of others, but we can learn to process it where we won't believe it or take it in...that way it doesn't hurt us. But that is a process that we have to work on.

I'm interested in how kris got to where she is. It reminds me of when I was in college studying respiratory therapy back in the 70's and we learned about the placebo effect. Well I just about fell out of my desk/chair and was saying hey, guys why is NO ONE studying this?????...what's wrong with this picture. hello... No drugs, person is cured...WTF...if only we could understand and 'bottle' it. No one thought it was worth studying back then. Well that's how I feel about kris....hope you share your mind with us. Cause it truly is unusual to say the least. And I hope you can remember not to judge others who feel (process things) differently than you as it can come off sounding condescending without meaning for it to be. How wonderful to be where you are!

[southbel]

Wow, this thread has evolved quite a bit. Of course, having a non-TDCer stumble in here with one of their "we're all the same" comments always stirs the pot! I HAVE to comment on that, even though it was quite a few posts ago. First, there is no way, and I mean, NO WAY a person with 20-30 pounds to lose can ever know what it is like to have over 100 pounds to lose. Hell, I lost 20 in my first month!! Now, given the fact that the entire freaking world is made for the thin people, I don't feel the least bit guilty about being selfish and saying TDC is just for those with over 100 pounds to lose.

On the other subject that has popped up of how we are treated when we are overweight vs thin. Well, I totally think people who are thin get treated better. I, for one, have seen a significant difference in how I have been treated since I have lost weight. Not so much in my closest relationships because honestly, those people, I think, will always see me however they see me, no matter what size I am, but rather those people who are mere acquaintances. I see it most frequently in my work relationships. I work in a military environment as a civilian. Before I lost weight, they would make comments about me needing "discipline" and things like that. Now, they saw that I am so "organized" and other such descriptive words. Have I changed anything about my work or performance?? Nope. Not a damn thing. The only thing I have changed is my weight. So, I have suddenly become organized??? Well, considering I am one of the most anal and organized people I know and have always been so, I always found this a most perplexing comment, but once I lost weight and they started saying this, the light bulb went off.

Well anyway, I didn't mean to write a novella, but I couldn't HELP but comment on this thread!! I look forward to seeing the comment. It's been a while since we have had such a hopping thread in TDC!

[potatofree]

I think I just got to the breaking point one night, when I was able to just step back out of myself for a minute and see just how pathetic the people making fun of my weight really WERE.

One non-related incident that really knocked things into perspective for me was at a class party for my son's school. They were having a high old time, but when it came time for musical chairs, there was an akward silence as the Mom who planned the games realized it was a game my son really couldn't participate in equally, and she started to say something to the effect that he would have to sit it out.... before the words could come out of her mouth, he just joined his friends and realized he could "call" a spot by putting his hand in the chair. Everybody had a good laugh (these were 3rd graders) when one boy patted Steven on the back and grinned, announcing "Steven's really GOOD at musical chairs, since no matter who tries to beat him, he's always the last one with a chair!" :D

Whenever we see someone gawking at his wheelchair, we've decided they have just never SEEN such an awesome piece of machinery, and he often takes a chance to show off by spinning a few cookies. More often than not, he makes a new friend.

I guess I can laugh at stupid stuff like Shallow Hal because Steven's taught me to laugh the loudest when the jokes on me.

[hot-blonde]

i suggest you all to watch OTHER kind of movies,
empowering ones.. not depressing/stereotype ones:
for instance..
a) the color purple
b) antonia's line
that's the kind of movies that Women should be seeing ;)

talking about shallow al, well, i deeply despise that type of people, who label others without looking in a mirror themselves.
poor, little beings with a poor, little life...

i also suggest to all Women to read one of SARK books.
or MaryDaly's books.

yes that movie brought to the surface the little feminist inside me ;)

and
WHO IS THE MISERABLE CHARACTER IN THAT MOVIE, REALLY?
she has an intense life, goals and passions, true friends.
he is a dumb*** with no brains, pathetic.

i am very sympathetic with Women who have been judged by their looks or size. that isn't fair, and my heart goes out to you all.

i do believe that Beauty is some quality that radiates from within. is being feminine, nurturing, sweet, caring, loving.
is accepting our bodies the way they are, loving them and pampering them.
if we love our bodies, then our bodies respond positively...
to a diet, to a gym schedule, to a massage.. to the touch of a lover.

so, Ladies, forget about Shallow Al's and
let's start loving ourselves and our bodies more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[winterlily]

For my 2 cents, I agree with the posters who said someone who is NOT severly overweight cannot understand. In my case, when I was at my biggest, strangers would not make eye contact, return smiles, sit next to me on the bus or make "chit chat" - coworkers would never ask my opinion on their outfits, or include me in discussions on "healthy eating", or what they did on the weekend, because the assumption was that I did nothing.

This had NOTHING to do with my self esteem, or "allowing" people to treat me badly. I have a lot of self esteem, was always well groomed, very positive, and maintained an image of self respect - and it still happened.

The fact is, now, I am thinner, and these things are changing. Those things mentioned above are stopping - people are talking more to me, including me, and strangers return my smiles, and make eye contact. It is DIRECTLY about weight, and what our society has deemed "acceptable".

[southbel]

For my 2 cents, I agree with the posters who said someone who is NOT severly overweight cannot understand. In my case, when I was at my biggest, strangers would not make eye contact, return smiles, sit next to me on the bus or make "chit chat" - coworkers would never ask my opinion on their outfits, or include me in discussions on "healthy eating", or what they did on the weekend, because the assumption was that I did nothing.

This is what ALWAYS drove me absolutely crazy too!!! Growing up, I was an elite athlete (figure skating), and then after school, I joined the Marine Corps, so I was not foreign to either exercise or staying in shape. HOWEVER, even during this time, I would always struggle with my weight. You know how you always hear about these top athletes that struggle with their weight? I can tell you why. It's because their coaches, trainers and dieticians are all telling them they need to carb load and eat super low fat due to their increased athletic activity. I, for example, was skating around six hours a day. Even with this, I was struggling to keep my weight down. So, of course, I was being accused of "cheating" on my diet. All of this, before I was 14 years old. Talk about messing with my head!! I thought I was broken or something!!

Anyway, in the Marine Corps, same damn thing!! I was on the run team in the Marine Corps. Ten miles a day! And, again, couldn't freaking get skinny to save my life. Maintianed a decent weight, but the Marine Corps expected skinny, especially for the run team because that helped run times. I weighed about 135-138 for at 5'4". They wanted 120. They put me on a very regimented diet. I tried and tried. Nothing. What was the diet. You guessed it. High carb, low fat. Same results. No weight loss. Hell, even weight gain! They accused me of cheating and that's very serious business in the Marine Corps. It was very embarassing and quite depressing. I was a great runner. So, I kept punishing my body and running more and more. Finally, my body broke down, I busted my knee, had to have five knee surgeries, they couldn't fix it, and I ended up having to get a medical discharge from the Marine Corps. This was ALL because I didn't know about the low carb WOE!!!

Okay, a little off track here. But anyway, fast forward. After I had my daughter, I couldn't exercise due to knee problems, so I tried to eat what I thought was healthy, which was low fat, and the weight stayed right where it was. People assumed that I was doing absolutely nothing. In the past, I would have to do EXTREME exercise to get weight off. Now, without the ability to do that level of exercise, I was staying fat. So, I would get those same comments on how to "eat healthy" and how they would lose a few extra pounds by now eating desserts or whatever. Please, I haven't had a dessert in 20+ years! Anyway, I am SOOO feeling you on this one Winterlily!! When I finally did start losing weight, everyone wanted to think that THEY were the ones who finally gave me the right advice. Well, I told them that I was eating low carb. They would tell me how wrong it was, etc and I told them that I had the advice of very expensive trainers, coaches, etc for most of my life and they obviously didn't do jack, and since I am a VERY outspoken person, I just say...proof is in the pudding. Dr. Atkins has shown me the proof...I have FINALLY lost weight!

[kyrasdad]

I'll add this: If you have been lifelong, or longtime severe overweight, then you probably don't fully understand either. Before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I didn't know until I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short time and saw the difference in the way people treated me. It was a huge difference, and it didn't extend to the most outrageous stuff we all have seen from time to time. It included interactions with family, with friends, with people in polite situations, etc. You are more accepted, more respected.

Fat really saturates every interaction. I thought at first, that at least to some extent the difference was in my head. But over time it became apparent to me that it was not me, it was the world. It was like having a blanket lifted.

Thin people could never understand that. Eve fat people (like me, pre-LC) who have never been thin can't understand it. They may see the hostility from many, and the lack of respect, but until you lose a lot, you may not get how different you're treated by people. Simply because you are fat.

[Kandra]

Kyrasdad: I didn't know until I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short time and saw the difference in the way people treated me. It was a huge difference, and it didn't extend to the most outrageous stuff we all have seen from time to time. It included interactions with family, with friends, with people in polite situations, etc. You are more accepted, more respected.
I experienced the exact same thing only in reverse. It took me by surprised at HOW BADLY I started being treated as my weight increased. Our society says it's okay to stereotype people who are seriously overwieght (and I don't mean 20 - 30 pounds). I remember one of the first things that annoyed me was how people assumed my intellect must be going down in relation with the scale going up as they would take more time explaining things to me.
I see it as no different that any other prejudice. It's unexcusable, heartless and ignorant.

[Judynyc]

I'll add this: If you have been lifelong, or longtime severe overweight, then you probably don't fully understand either. Before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I didn't know until I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short time and saw the difference in the way people treated me. It was a huge difference, and it didn't extend to the most outrageous stuff we all have seen from time to time. It included interactions with family, with friends, with people in polite situations, etc. You are more accepted, more respected.

Fat really saturates every interaction. I thought at first, that at least to some extent the difference was in my head. But over time it became apparent to me that it was not me, it was the world. It was like having a blanket lifted.

Thin people could never understand that. Eve fat people (like me, pre-LC) who have never been thin can't understand it. They may see the hostility from many, and the lack of respect, but until you lose a lot, you may not get how different you're treated by people. Simply because you are fat.

Very good point Scott!! :thup:
Thank you!!

I would like to add a bit of my experience on this. 11 yrs ago, I started a pet care business at a high weight. I had trouble getting clients but I did in the end, build a viable business. Since I've lost weight, I've got a waiting list of people wanting to hire me. My credibilty has gone way up, just because of my weight loss......I'm the same person with the same credentials I had prior....but because of the way I look now...life is throwing me much more than I can handle.

It really is different!!

[southbel]

I'll add this: If you have been lifelong, or longtime severe overweight, then you probably don't fully understand either. Before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I didn't know until I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short time and saw the difference in the way people treated me. It was a huge difference, and it didn't extend to the most outrageous stuff we all have seen from time to time. It included interactions with family, with friends, with people in polite situations, etc. You are more accepted, more respected.

Fat really saturates every interaction. I thought at first, that at least to some extent the difference was in my head. But over time it became apparent to me that it was not me, it was the world. It was like having a blanket lifted.

Thin people could never understand that. Eve fat people (like me, pre-LC) who have never been thin can't understand it. They may see the hostility from many, and the lack of respect, but until you lose a lot, you may not get how different you're treated by people. Simply because you are fat.

Actually, I DO agree with you on this, because I was the opposite. I didn't get obese until I had my daughter at the age of 23. I was actually to able to understand there was a difference and not just be lost in the dark. So, yes I do agree and no, I am not at all offended. So, I would completely be one of those people that you would be speaking to here. I was completely cognizant of the fact that I was treated different and I was very very bitter about it. I don't know how that makes it different. I certainly don't think it makes it any better or worse. However, I do agree it certainly doesn't place me in the same level of understanding.

[potatofree]

I guess, being thin until after my second child was born, I'd been treated like crap by enough people THEN that I just didn't see any big shift when I packed on the pounds. If anything, I got treated BETTER by many of the women because I wasn't a threat to their claim on every man in sight. :rolleyes:
Seriously, even the men treated me better at work. For some reason I wasn't a dumb bimbo who existed for them to hit on and gawk at, but another human being with a brain.

[SRabbit]

There are so many people in the world that find no issue with treating other people poorly, and are not only vocal in their comments but rude and accosting as well---some of us have had many run ins with those types over our life and some of us haven't--some of us have had horrid family members and some of us haven't--- and all of these things affect how we respond to how we're treated.

That's why some of us here can relate and some of us can't to the way fat people are treated.

For those of you who don't appreciate that we're treated different in many cases, l would say be really glad that you've had a life without prejudice....but realize that prejudice does exist in this world, and it can cause incredible pain or inconvenient pain, but it is still pain.

I am able now in my life to deal with it in a stronger way; that wasn't the case for much of my life though....

It is good that we are able to come here and vent, rant, scream and express to others who understand----it really helps..

[potatofree]

I'm certainly not trying to say anyone else's experience is less valid. For ME, though, it was the opposite of other people's experience. I think that's one reason I struggle to "give up" my fat. I got more respect after I put the weight on, and I really don't want to go back to being treated like a moron or a man-stealer.

Being thin didn't make my life golden, nor did people throw jobs at my feet. I did have more energy and I didn't have to hear any stray oinking or that kind of ignorance, but I did get other forms of abuse they wouldn't have heaped on a fat woman. My mother and (heavier) sister treated me like I thought I was better than them, and never missed a chance to call me a few names and make fun of me. Male co-workers would assume I slept with someone any time I got ahead at work, and shunned me at lunch because they were doing a new diet and didn't need to hear MY piddly problems. In their eyes, I wasn't "real". When I got dumped or crapped on by the boss, it was pretty much "You'll get over it. YOUR kind always lands on her feet.":rolleyes:

I guess it's a trade-off.

[j13]

I'll add this: If you have been lifelong, or longtime severe overweight, then you probably don't fully understand either. Before anyone gets offended, let me explain. I didn't know until I lost a lot of weight in a relatively short time and saw the difference in the way people treated me. It was a huge difference, and it didn't extend to the most outrageous stuff we all have seen from time to time. It included interactions with family, with friends, with people in polite situations, etc. You are more accepted, more respected.

Fat really saturates every interaction. I thought at first, that at least to some extent the difference was in my head. But over time it became apparent to me that it was not me, it was the world. It was like having a blanket lifted.

Thin people could never understand that. Eve fat people (like me, pre-LC) who have never been thin can't understand it. They may see the hostility from many, and the lack of respect, but until you lose a lot, you may not get how different you're treated by people. Simply because you are fat.

This has been my experience exactly over the past year.

-j.

[Greenwitch]

I know it too. I was fat, lost weight and felt/saw the difference, and regained the weight and once again see the negative difference.

I wonder if part of it isn't what we're projecting when we're severely overweight. Projecting our own feelings about ourselves out to the world, so we kind of become invisible or make people disregard us because we're not standing up saying "hey world look at me, I love me!"

I don't know. Just musing aloud.

Bev

[potatofree]

I'm sure that's part of it, but not the whole story. Frankly, the same could be said of my treatment when I was thin. I didn't feel like I deserved any better, and I let the behavior of the rotten apples color my perception of the whole world. Maybe my weight came along as I was already in the early stages of not taking the crap spewed at me by others as gospel? <shrug>

[2cute4u_04]

ok im young and all so maybe i dont know much yet.... heres my input... I have been overweight my whole life....i had a few months when i had lost about 30 or so pounds on atkins and went from a tight size 22 to a size 16....i got a lot of compliments from people but i never felt like people treated me different than i was before... i know a size 16 is still fat but i dont know.... maybe when i get smaller people will treat me different??? i guess its all about the people your around and the type of people you meet. I love ashley (me) i tell myself that. when i meet people i show confidence in myself. i dress as nicely as i can. i try not to walk around thinking people treat me different because of my weight.... i noticed before on here one of the members were losing weight for a job interveiw or to try to find a job. They were saying how its hard for fat people to get jobs. well a few weeks later i had an interveiw... all 270 or so pounds of me walked in and got hired on the spot making more money than all the rest of the employees....so to sum everything up i'm saying....i think its all about how we respond to people and not let people make us feel like we aren't worth anything...just a thought :)

[Judynyc]

OK....I need to say a few things on this as its been bothering me for days now. We are each a sum total of all of our experiences. Each of us come here with a different life to share and some of our experiences are going to be totally alien to some of you as other's experiences will be totally alien to others of you.

I did not grow up a fat child...but you could not tell my mom that.:rolleyes: I was athletic and swam competitively, worked out in the pool 5-6 days a week with a team and a coach...so I was in very good condition...and she would tell me all the time, that I was fat. I gained as a teen when I quit my swimming team. My mom put me on diet medication when I was 15 yrs old....I was hardly overweight at the time.

I felt like a blimp and I was constantly put down by her for being normal. This set me up for some very bad eating. Her abuse still haunts me today.

I was abused by her for many years and it was not until I found a therapist a few years ago, who actually listened to what I was trying to say...she told me that I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress from the years of abuse. She told me about a book called Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman MD. I read it and it helped me to change my life. What it taught me is that I needed someone to validate my experience of years of abuse...not tell me that I needed to get over it already. My therapist became my witness and she gave me the validation I needed to heal and move forward...and I did.

If anyone here has grown up being loved and accepted for who they are...that's fabulous and I'm truly happy for you....but there are many like myself, who had so much pain from childhood that using a substance, ie:food in my case, to make myself feel numb, was what I did to survive.

Becoming a morbidly obese person was like a death to me....my old life was dead and I had to learn how to live my life as a morbidly obese woman. It was a very transforming experience and it lasted for 15 years...15 years that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

[potatofree]

ok im young and all so maybe i dont know much yet.... heres my input... I have been overweight my whole life....i had a few months when i had lost about 30 or so pounds on atkins and went from a tight size 22 to a size 16....i got a lot of compliments from people but i never felt like people treated me different than i was before... i know a size 16 is still fat but i dont know.... maybe when i get smaller people will treat me different??? i guess its all about the people your around and the type of people you meet. I love ashley (me) i tell myself that. when i meet people i show confidence in myself. i dress as nicely as i can. i try not to walk around thinking people treat me different because of my weight.... i noticed before on here one of the members were losing weight for a job interveiw or to try to find a job. They were saying how its hard for fat people to get jobs. well a few weeks later i had an interveiw... all 270 or so pounds of me walked in and got hired on the spot making more money than all the rest of the employees....so to sum everything up i'm saying....i think its all about how we respond to people and not let people make us feel like we aren't worth anything...just a thought :)

You sound like you've got it together, regardless of size! :D I'm guessing you have a very resilient nature, and a good sense of yourself. I think our perception of ourself is a big factor. Nobody DESERVES to be mistreated or abused, there is a part of us that can just snap if we get abused or mistreated enough, but we all have to. Bullies will bully whether we're a size 4x or a size 2. Turning a deaf ear to it isnt easy, but it can be done or even learned if you've been looking down at your feet your whole life.

If a person is a slave to negative thinking, those insults and abuses are going to be bigger hits to the soul than if you have the personality type to just let it roll of your back. Sometimes, it's hard to give UP the kind of emotional thumbsucking that food used to fill, so we're forced to change coping skills as we lose weight. I think that's where a lot of people see they're getting treated better. They've learned to work through their problems instead of stuffing the hurt in with food. They're treating THEMSELVES better, and that can only lead to good things.

[deborah c]

JudyNVC,

Went to view your gallary pictures - you were pretty while large and are now - well even more attractive - a very classy package...good job! It is really difficult reading everyones stories but uplifting at the same time. Of all the 'mean things' strangers can do to you (for WHATEVER reason they do it), my personal non-favorite it's the, truck backing up noise - beep, beep, beep I use to get from a very ugly, hateful, co-worker while he walked behind me...I wanted to swing around and deck him (woud have lost my job). These memories do become part of us - but sharing this little abusive history - well it really does make you feel lighter - doesn't it, just sharing. Beep, beep beep

[SRabbit]

Judy,

You are so right-----it really is alien to be able to understand sometimes, what another person has gone through when your own life experiences are so very different.

I was a battered wife in a very abusive relationship for many years-----can you imagine how I feel inside when someone flippantly says, "well, you could have left at any time, why didn't you?"----makes me just sick inside, though I know they don't understand.

It's the same here----it's difficult to understand why people respond to life and it's challenges differently, but what we go through, who we are as people (some of that based on how we were raised) does affect how we respond, and where we live, what kind of jobs we do can also affect how we respond.

I have worked in offices with bigots, racists and rude people (like men who don't get that it is now 2007!); I have also worked in offices with accepting, kind and understanding people; in my current job there are so many lifestyles represented that it makes for a very creative blend; there are all types out there, and they all affect us.

I hope that anyone reading this thread who had learned to overcome and/or hasn't had as difficult a life stops for a moment and takes the time to really appreciate that they haven't had as difficult of a life as that is terrific for them....and then send positive reinforcement to the rest of us!!!

[saucywench]

I think that it is very difficult to understand what someone else has gone through if you have not had the same life challenge yourself.

I think that people tend to forget how important it is for everyone to talk about their challenges and even if we ourselves cant understand or grasp how it could have effected you that it is important to empathize and to simply just listen...I too am guilty of this very same thing both here and in the real world and I am going to work on this..For those of you who have overcome challenges thrown into your path I salute you as I hope you would salute me my victories!!

[southbel]

The one great unifying feeling that we all do have here in TDC is that we ALL know what it is like to live as an obese person. Whether we started thin or not, whether this is our first time trying to lose weight or not, whether we are close to goal or not, we have all had to live life as an obese person in a world that is build for the thin. This is a unifying theme for each of us and I think this helps us identify with each other. This, ultimately is what makes us understand one another better and what makes this forum unique.

In addition, when we get those people in here that haven't lived life as an obese person, they truly can't get "it". They don't know what it's like to have to ask for a seat belt extender on an airplane or even to ever have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat for that matter. In addition, they don't worry about things like going to the movies for fear of fitting in the seats. In fact, these are things that would never enter their thoughts. So, for better or worse, we have created a "fraternity" of sorts here through our experiences in obesity. Now, our journey through obesity is going to be vastly different but we can at least use this forum to share and understand our similarities. We live in a world where our differences are pointed out time and time again, so this is the one "safe" place for us to share our likeness.

Ultimately, I think I am just trying to say that while each of us have had a different path to obesity, we all, at one time or another, have gotten to the point that we made our way here to TDC. So, for that reason, we all know what it's like to be an obese person in a world made for the thin.

[Judynyc]

Very well said southbel!! :thup: :agree:

well it really does make you feel lighter - doesn't it, just sharing. Beep, beep beep

Yes, it does help and beep, beep, beep to you too!! :D
Thanks for the lovely compliment on my before and after pics.

I hope that anyone reading this thread who had learned to overcome and/or hasn't had as difficult a life stops for a moment and takes the time to really appreciate that they haven't had as difficult of a life as that is terrific for them....and then send positive reinforcement to the rest of us!!!
again..very nicely said SRabbit!! :thup:
You and I have overcome very deep hurts and I wish for you to have the success with your weight loss that I've had with mine.:bhug:

For those of you who have overcome challenges thrown into your path I salute you as I hope you would salute me my victories!!
:agree: Yes!! I totally agree.

I've told this before and will repeat it again here....3 yrs ago when I first came to this board to begin my journey, I was very afraid to post anywhere with my stats as I was in deep shame over my obesity and this was the first time in my life that I "came out" and told the world how much I was weighing. It was very painful and difficult but I did it because I knew that it would set me free.

The TDC club was the only forum that I felt safe enough to post in as I knew that I would not be taunted here. I know that many lurk and never post at all....I can only hope that by having this be a safe place for all TDCers to post, that some of the lurkers will feel safe enough to "come out" also.

I've got nothing against those with small amounts of weight to lose posting here....if they are aware that the need for them to be supportive is paramount....that their personal trials and tribulations can be heard in other areas of this site...this section is for those with a lot of weight to lose...this is what separates us from the rest....our journey is long...for some it can take years...for many, they don't make it and leave.... and hopefully return.

I still post in this forum because I recall how in awe I was of those who had come before me and made it, they gave me hope....I am not looking to have people be in awe of me...I am here to be a beacon that it is possible to make this happen. :idea:

[SRabbit]

Judy,

I'm glad you still post here---I think it's really important for those of us who still have over 100 Lbs to lose to hear from the ones who've already done it---

It can be hard to post here, I lurked for a while as well, but I knew that if I actually talked to people about what I wanted to do, brought them in for the ride so to speak, that my committment would be stronger. Posting in my journal, getting to know some wonderful people here, and getting the opportunity to help others also keeps me committed. I check out the TDC every day, sometimes more than once, as it just keeps me in the right frame of mind to succeed....

This thread started out about a movie, but it has become so much more than that----and we are all growing and learning as we post and read here!!

[j13]

when I first came to this board to begin my journey, I was very afraid to post anywhere with my stats as I was in deep shame over my obesity and this was the first time in my life that I "came out" and told the world how much I was weighing. It was very painful and difficult but I did it because I knew that it would set me free.

The TDC club was the only forum that I felt safe enough to post in as I knew that I would not be taunted here. I know that many lurk and never post at all....I can only hope that by having this be a safe place for all TDCers to post, that some of the lurkers will feel safe enough to "come out" also.

...

I still post in this forum because I recall how in awe I was of those who had come before me and made it, they gave me hope....I am not looking to have people be in awe of me...I am here to be a beacon that it is possible to make this happen. :idea:

This is me exactly. When I started here I posted my weight as something like 340, for two reasons - first, I didn't even *know* what I actually weighed - I couldn't weigh myself on any scale at home and didn't want to out of fear when I went to the doctor. Then when I found out how much I weighed (on an industrial scale at work, after buying a 400 lb capacity scale that I also got the dreaded -E- on), I still didn't update it for a long time because I was so ashamed. But through lurking, and through doing the diet and having results, I finally got the guts to post it on here. I still haven't admitted to very many people how much I weighed when I started...only my parents, my brother and my 2 closest friends know the truth to this day. When people ask me how much I weighed when I started, I always answer "165 lbs more than I do now" (or however far down I am at the time). When they ask me how much I weigh now I saw "165 lbs less than I used to." I'm hoping that by the time I get to 200 lbs down I'll be able to start admitting those weight numbers to more people than just close friends, family and the TDC.

But admitting it was really, really, really good for me. It made me *own* that number, which was something I needed to do to start to work on it, to get to a point where I could admit that I REALLY had a problem, and I REALLY had to work on it or I was going to die. Not just "not live," which was what I was doing. I was going to die. Owning that number was one of the first things that really made that possible, and made it possible for me to accept and embrace - for the first time in my life, as sad as that sounds - that it BOTHERED me that I was going to die. That I actually WANTED to live.

So that is one of the many, many things that the TDC gave to me. It gave me the ability to take ownership over my problem and work on it. And the reason I posted my pictures on here - which was REALLY, REALLY hard to do - harder than admitting my weight - was to give something back, because I used to be one of those people that just lurked and didn't post, and who looked at those pictures other people were posting and took hope from them. And posting in this forum and getting support got me even more able to work on it. It really is a great thing.

I'm not at my goal yet - I'm getting into the same boat that a lot of people get into when they join in the first place, where I want to lose (in my case another) 60 lbs. People regularly post the question "now that I have under 100 to lose, can I still post here?" My answer to those people is a resounding yes. THOSE people - like Judy, very notably - were the ones who really gave me a lot to hold on to. I still post here even though I'm under 100 left to lose because I feel like I'm a lifer, like this is still where I belong. I hope that I can give back a little tiny bit of what I got from it.

How's that for a rambling, 5,000 word off-topic rambling? :) I swear I can't write a post shorter than 3 pages long... :)

-j.

[2cute4u_04]

My mom put me on diet medication when I was 15 y