Comparing Myself & other Insecurity Sources

[mymadori]

It hit me this past weekend. Comparing myself to others is one of the main symptoms of my self confidence/body image issues. I know that everyone compares themselves to others at some level, at some times...but I do it obsessively. Compulsively. Ridiculously.

Honestly, deep down I know I am a beautiful woman. Through high school, I was always able to get the guys every other girl wanted. I walked around with confidence. I was on the track team, and went to the gym four times a week...not really for the exercise- but because there were tons of cute guys playing basketball and I loved getting flirted with. I was 5'6" and 117 pounds. My thighs were rock solid. I had muscles on my abs.

It wasn't until I had my second child did I start having terrible self confidence and insecurity issues. You see, I was raised by a mother who was very overweight (5'2" and about 250 pounds) and through my school years, I was terribly embarrassed of her. I am so ashamed to admit this now. I was young and stupid. It wasn't just the weight she carried, it was everything that came along with it. She never got involved with men- never wore makeup- did nothing with her hair and wore sweatpants 6 out of 7 days a week. I was always jealous of the other kids- whose moms would take them on bike rides...or to the pool in the summer.

After my second child, I got up to about 146 pounds. On a 5'6" frame, that's not bad at all...but all I saw when I looked in the mirror was my body...beginning to look like my mom's. I began to compare myself to every woman I saw. That girl that just walked by - was she thinner than me? Would my boyfriend cheat on me with her? Was she more attractive?

My husband started cheating on me (I just knew- instinct I guess) and I went through depression, followed by determination, and then depression again. I bounced from 139 to 180 to 155...then up and down again. When I got above 170 I noticed that guys didn't look at me anymore. That freaked me out.

I know that there's got to be other women who understand this. My self confidence all my life was based on the fact that guys looked at me. They flirted with me. They wanted me. When I gained weight- and that stopped...I freaked out. I felt unattractive, undesirable, unwomanly. Gross. I think sometimes that maybe beautiful women have worse self confidence issues than their average looking counterparts- because they learn to rely on their looks.

In August of 2003, I had my third child. Looking back now, I realize that the only reason I had her was in a pathetic attempt to save what I knew was a failing marriage. It didn't work. After I had her (and she's wonderful, believe me!) I felt like my life was out of control. I thought- "how in the heck did I get here? I'm married to someone I'm not in love with...and have three kids...and I'm only 27!" Anyway, I turned to something I could control...myself. I started my low carb diet again at 183 pounds in November 2003. By July 2004, I had gotten down to 139 pounds and gained a ton of confidence back...I asked my husband for a divorce.

Since then, I have met a wonderful man and gotten remarried. In the two years we've been together, I've put back on 21 pounds. It's crept on slowly. This past weekend we went out for the first time in months. We went to a little local bar. Girls were dancing and I found myself scared. Comparing myself to them. Wondering if my husband thought they looked better than I did. The same frustrating thoughts. He made a comment about how strange it was that one of the "hot girls" was with a really goofy looking heavy guy. That comment stuck with me. For days...I've been bothered by the fact that he thought she was hot. I've pictured her in my head when on the treadmill...it's bad. I know it is.

I wonder how normal or abnormal this is. I hope my comments about being "beautiful" didn't come off too full of conceit. I'm just hoping to find someone else on this board who may be as crazy as me!

[Kristine]

I can relate to that.

I try to turn it into positive motivation. I used to waste a lot of mental energy on turning other peoples' success and beauty into evidence of my failure and ugliness. I'm done with that. There will always be someone younger, thinner, and hotter. Jealousy and insecurity is far more damaging to both me and my relationship than twenty pounds could ever be. When those feelings hit me, I ask myself, "what can I do to be a better me?" I try to channel it into taking care of my body and caring for my SO.

[sublime]

I can relate, and I'm STILL having a hard time getting it through my head that I'm not 20 anymore :lol: Thats the only time I get worried about my husband being so much younger than me is when I see the young hotties. I think, man, if something ever happens to us he's actually still in their age range!! Then I think, why is he with me again? I guess theres more to me than I think, I was small when we met, but he's been nothing but cool through the weight gain. :)

[cs_carver]

You're in a difficult transition; your astrology will likely tell you it's your Saturn return and that can be heavy (expect the same again around 54, by the way). Leaving the young woman stuff, into full adulthood, major responsibilities, different interests.

From your post, it sounds like you are only noticing the hot chicks. OK to compare, but you have to take the full story: not just the slink on the dance floor, but the hangover she's going to feel in the morning. The lonelies. The bad choices, no credit, financial fears. You also might try looking up--what about women older than you? How are they moving through their lives? Richer, poorer, better health, less stuff, the full catastrophe, in other words.

I think we often compare to try to find our place in the world. Sometimes a little good comes out of it, if we take effective action and improve ourselves. How many of us would have envied Christopher Reeve, before the accident? but if I'm going to wish I had someone else's anything, I have to realize I am also signing up for their EVERYTHING. And I really don't want most people's full outcomes. Michael Jackson's money, sure, but not if it comes attached to his surgery obsession.

I spent a fair amount of useful time comparing myself to the old ladies who lived in my neighborhood when I moved in. Most of them have made one transition or another now. What I can take from the effort is what I need to be doing now (at 47) in order to do what I can to avoid the outcomes I don't want, and also to emulate the outcomes that look like more fun. Investments, insurance, therapy, exercise, nutrition. I had examples of 80-90 years of other people's decisions to inform my choices.

YMMV. A girl on a dance floor in a bar doesn't have much to share with a mother of three who certainly doesn't sound like she would abandon her kids for a return to a wild night life.

Good luck.