Afraid of Having Friends

[sublime]

I haven't had any real friends in about 4 years, since I moved here from the last town we lived in. I've been very anti-social, not leaving the house any more than needed. This is due to many reasons, weight gain, a sick parent, problems with the wrong medications(bi-polar meds). Anyways, I've lost a little weight, and other things have improved, and it seems like in the last month or so many people suddenly want to be friends with me. But I still seem to push most of them away. I agreed to go Christmas shopping with my daughters 3rd grade teacher, and I'm about to have a cow with worry. What if she gets to know me and doesn't really like me? What if I say something stupid? What if my sense of humor offends her? One of the reasons I don't socialize is because I don't like to censor myself to much. What if I get to know her and don't really care to continue the friendship? I have this sickening feeling of dread in my stomach. Why does it have to be so flippin difficult? Its just shopping with a friend right? I wish I had some xanax for Saturday ;) :p I know I'm rambling now, but thats how my mind works when I'm troubled about something. What do ya'll think, and does anybody else get this way? You'de think I was going on a date or something. :lol:

[galatia]

Yep. I have social anxiety problems. Always afraid of the very things you mentioned. I try very hard to escape any social situations. http://forum.lowcarber.org/images/icons/icon9.gif

[jjj]

I'm glad that you were honest and posted this. This is a good forum to speak of these things. I'm a little this way at times (getting better though). Things sometimes seem difficult because we allow our thoughts to make them that way. Who else can you be besides who you are? I have a few friends and they aren't people who I hang out with on a daily basis. I like to communicate about things that I don't find many people around here can relate to... HOWEVER, I get along pretty well with most everyone because I don't push my 'wishes' on them but allow myself to EXPERIENCE THEM as they are. Anyway (I ramble terribly)... as I said, who can you be but yourself? If you are pretending to be someone who you are not... are you happy? Are you comfortable? So... say you are yourself and she doesn't like you......








./.... so what? Everyone in the world is NOT going to like you (or me). Do you feel that you are worthy of love? Are you worthy of having friends? You have to believe that you are lovable... and don't worry about whether or not each person is going to love you ;) :) Just enjoy yourself and enjoy experiencing this new person in your life (even if only for an afternoon). If you make a friend and they believe that you are someone who you really are not... then you have really not made a friend. The opinions of others does NOT, NOT, NOT define who you are. When you love yourself... your TRUE self, others will love you too... just don't look to them for validation that you are lovable... you are.... whether they see it or not. There are no mistakes in creation.... every aspect of your being is worthy of being or it would not be. SINCERELY,,

Jennifer :love:

[sublime]

Thanks for sharing, and it all sounds familiar. I went to the shrink today and asked if social anxiety is part of the bi-polar or a seperate issue. She said its a seperate issue and I have another appointment in a couple weeks . We will decide then how to treat it, as it gets very severe. I feel physicaly ill when I think about socializing. Not good. I'll write some more tomorrow about the posts so far. Thanks again everybody :wave: :D

[TarHeel]

I'm assuming this means that you don't want to meet up somewhere in Raleigh for lunch one day this spring with me and Cathy (Treefrog)?

She and I seem to be batting zero for having lunch with people from the forum who then drop completely out of sight. We're beginning to wonder about our breath....

On a serious note, I'm sorry that the very idea of socializing makes you feel ill. I'm often most comfortable by myself but not to the extent that you describe. If you're uncomfortable with your self imposed isolation, I hope you find something that helps.

Kay

[potatofree]

I just moved to a new town, and I'm having some trouble with meeting people and moving outside my comfort zone. My social anxiety manifests itself with not really liking other people in my "space". I'm fine meeting up with someone for coffee or what-have-you, but inviting people over to my home makes me uncomfortable for some reason.

I'm glad my daughter lives in the area, but I certainly can't make HER into my only pal. I didn't have any trouble making friends when I wored in the bar, but after being stabbed in the back one too many times, I tend not to reach out as much as I used to.

[bull999999]

All of you can be my friends. See, it wasn't that hard at all, right? :lol:

Kidding aside I found that I have hard time dealing with others when I have self image issues. Maybe it's due to the fact that society don't look kindly upon overweight people.

[sublime]

All of you can be my friends. See, it wasn't that hard at all, right? :lol:

Kidding aside I found that I have hard time dealing with others when I have self image issues. Maybe it's due to the fact that society don't look kindly upon overweight people.

Cool, lets be friends Cotton! :) After shopping with my new friend Saturday, I realize there are some people out there even more messed up than me. And for some reason I'm having a hard time with that. The friendship quickly became possesive(feels like I'm dating) but she's backed off a little now. Even my husband noticed. She's just really lonely I'm thinking. Touchy situation, as she's my daughters teacher. Oh well, let it roll baby roll :agree: :lol:

[Amelda]

What do ya'll think, and does anybody else get this way? Yep. I've suffered from major social anxiety and other issues, which makes being around others tough.
The friendship quickly became possesive(feels like I'm dating) but she's backed off a little now. Even my husband noticed. She's just really lonely I'm thinking. I'm right there with you. I've had a hard time having close friends because of the possessiveness that some people develop. (I shouldn't have to get the "okay" to leave the house because I won't be "right there" if one of them calls/emails/etc). I finally ended up hanging out with a completely different group of people and it's a complete 180! Touchy situation, as she's my daughters teacher. Good luck with that!

[sublime]

Yep. I've suffered from major social anxiety and other issues, which makes being around others tough.
I'm right there with you. I've had a hard time having close friends because of the possessiveness that some people develop. (I shouldn't have to get the "okay" to leave the house because I won't be "right there" if one of them calls/emails/etc). I finally ended up hanging out with a completely different group of people and it's a complete 180! Good luck with that!

Its like dating your boss in a way, as weird as that sounds.

[galatia]

potatofree: My social anxiety manifests itself with not really liking other people in my "space". I'm fine meeting up with someone for coffee or what-have-you, but inviting people over to my home makes me uncomfortable for some reason.


Yep, me too.
And also "close talkers" make me very uncomfortable. And being the sounding board for someone who just likes to talk. I don't like the feeling of being trapped. :(

[huggs2ewe]

social anxiety is a problem that many do not really realize they have, or if they do they think of it as just "being shy". It is a true mental health problem and can be managed as with any other anxiety problems. though it is not easy and takes some work it can be done. I work in Mental Health and we have been trained to do cognitive behavioral therapy which along with psychoeducation is very effective for many anxiety issues. there are many sites on anxiety but one that we often suggest is http://anxieties.com/sap.php which is the link for social anxiety.

Social Anxiety is a difficult one as you manage your anxiety through exposure after you understand what anxiety is and how your body is responding to the "threat" and how to decrease the physical symptoms. But if you do the work the effectiveness is 80-100% relief.

anyway just a thought and you could give it a try

[potatofree]

galatia-"Close-talkers" and anyone who makes me want to draw an imaginary line in the air with my forefinger and say "This is my area, please take three steps back!" get to me.

[sublime]

Thanks for the tips! Although I understand social anxiety syndrome very well, it always shocks me how quick and hard the symptoms hit. Mine has been progressive. It wasn't to bad when I was young, and could be classified as shyness. But now its out of control, although I can still manage to make myself go out when I need to. I'm supposed to start treatment at the end of January. It will be interesting to see what my treatment will be. It still amazes me what Lithium did for my bi-polar. :)

[sublime]

galatia-"Close-talkers" and anyone who makes me want to draw an imaginary line in the air with my forefinger and say "This is my area, please take three steps back!" get to me.
No kidding. If I can smell your breath, good or bad, your too close :lol: Oh, and please don't touch me either, I'll come out of my skin. My new friend liked to touch my hand when making a point. I was like, OMG, PLEASE don't touch me!!!! I feel bad, she's so nice and doesn't realize.

[Amelda]

Its like dating your boss in a way, as weird as that sounds.
When you put it that way, it is!

[DaddioM]

Hi:wave:

I used to be a LOT more introverted than I am now.. 2 little things changed my life. One was a book I read called "I'm ok, you're OK". I don't remember the author but it was kinda a book about how we're ALL different, we ALL have our quirks, and that's ok.

The other thing was just an idea in a little short story. It likened everyone to ingredients in soup. You might be a carrot, cabbage, chicken, or even an onion, but no matter what flavor you might be... the soup would lose something if you weren't yourself. So be yourself... not everyone will like you, but if you ARE yourself, the friends you do make will be in love with the real you.

Hope my rambling made SOME sense to you.

GOOD LUCK!! :bhug:

Mike

[potatofree]

No kidding. If I can smell your breath, good or bad, your too close :lol: Oh, and please don't touch me either, I'll come out of my skin. My new friend liked to touch my hand when making a point. I was like, OMG, PLEASE don't touch me!!!! I feel bad, she's so nice and doesn't realize.

I had a co-worker who insisted on trying to put her hand on my shoulder when she came up to give me her drink orders or ask me a question. She thought she had to hold me in place to be HEARD or something, apparently. No matter how politely I asked her not to, she just said she "couldn't help it" and it was just how she was... um... :help:

[serea]

I also have social anxiety. Paxil has helped me. I'm usually ok one on one, but am terrified in large groups (ie parties). Good luck with this. Cognitive therapy should help. I deal with it by avoiding large gatherings. I don't like them and don't have to subject myself to them. My real friends know how I feel about having my personal space invaded and respect that.

[CooknCajun]

After shopping with my new friend Saturday, I realize there are some people out there even more messed up than me. And for some reason I'm having a hard time with that. The friendship quickly became possesive(feels like I'm dating) but she's backed off a little now. Even my husband noticed. She's just really lonely I'm thinking. Touchy situation, as she's my daughters teacher. Oh well, let it roll baby roll :agree: :lol:


Congrats on going ahead with the shopping trip. For the most part, my DH is my best friend. If a person can have one or two true friends, that is a blessing. It looks like you have a wonderful family and they are your core support. Having a few nice acquaintances to go shopping, having coffee with, doing fun things with and keeping it light is enjoyable for me. Having friends is kinda like dating as friendships can parallel relationships.

I wish you success in experience "peace" from the moments of panic. The feelings of calm that can be achieved is a wonderful thing. Just be yourself!!!

[sublime]

I have such a hard time with large groups also. I get all shaky and hot and mad. Often times I've just had to leave wherever I was at. And yes, my DH is my best friend, no doubt. I've heard of that book, and I think I'll read it. It certainly can't hurt!! :agree: I don't know about that co-worker who won't keep her hands off you. I guess she doesn't realize thats just how YOU are. She should be carefull though, I've seen people who aren't so polite about not wanting to be touched. It wasn't pretty. I worry about being myself with new people, because although I'm pretty comfortable with how I am. I'm pretty off the wall sometimes, very rough around the edges, but tons of fun. Who wouldn't like that? :lol: Well, I take that back, plenty of people can't handle me, but it goes both ways. I no longer feel unworthy if someone doesn't "get" me. :agree:

[potatofree]

S'okay, she got her karmic reward eventually. ;)

You know, it was more her attitude than the frequent violation of my boundaries that got to me... like somehow SHE was more important and expected me to accomodate her unwillingness to change.

Sadly, I let people like that get away with it way too often. I am getting better at realizing I don't have to put myself second to someone else as a matter of course. I can have an opinion, even if nobody else agrees. Of course, I don't have to be like Miss G. and totally negate someone else in the process.

[DaddioM]

I no longer feel unworthy if someone doesn't "get" me. :agree: WOOHOO!!:) I never want to hurt anyone intentionally, but other than that, I'm ME!! Not to say I'm a "finished" product, I hope the day I die is the day I quit learning, but I've got to be happy with me.. cause that's who I am (sounds simple doesn't it:lol: ).


Mike

[sublime]

Just thought I'd undate the continuing saga of "Margies' new friend" :lol: I called her on Christmas on my way to pick up my girls and we talked a few minutes then my phone died. By the time I got home it was a little to late, plus I was very busy, so I didn't call her back. Didn't hear anything out of her for a couple days. I called her either Wednesday or Thursday, I can't remember, and she was friendly but she asked if I was mad at her. Nooooo, my cell phone died. She was on her way out the door but wanted me to e-mail her some MP3 songs to download. I said sure, call me when you get back. She never called, which isn't a big deal in my book, hey, people get busy. So my problem now is, do I call her today to wish her Happy New Years. I know, to much thought process goes into the whole flippin thing, but thats me :p Is she going to be mad I haven't called her, will it seem like I'm being overbearing? Blah blah blah. Why does this have to be so complicated? Maybe thats why I was friends with guys most of my life. Once you get PAST the sexual part, there aren't a lot of rules except to be cool to each other. Whatever dude :lol:

[jjj]

When I was in school they sent me to the psychologist (FOR YEARS) because I would not talk TO ANYONE. It has been a journey (and the psychologist never helped AT ALL although he must have liked me because he later hired me to watch his kids while I was in high school). When I graduated high school, I went to school for psychology. This may have contributed to the steady rise upward. At times, I still have anxieties about social situations but it is much easier now and I can 'talk myself down'. I work with youth who have all sorts of behavioral problems and working with different groups of kids and adults has also helped me. MEDITATION has been a life-savor as I view all of my life as a spiritual journey. :) I have grown comfortable with MYSELF and come to the conclusion that I am ALL that I CAN BE... I cannot be someone else, no matter how hard I try.... I love who I AM so it is up to everyone else whether or not they choose to love/ like who I am. Everyone wants to be loved and liked and wanted and have some kind of home. When ya find the home, within yourself (and, if you like, within the Lord... not pushing that... I swear I'm not :D ;) ) then you feel 'at home' no matter where you are. :)

[jjj]

Just thought I'd undate the continuing saga of "Margies' new friend" :lol: I called her on Christmas on my way to pick up my girls and we talked a few minutes then my phone died. By the time I got home it was a little to late, plus I was very busy, so I didn't call her back. Didn't hear anything out of her for a couple days. I called her either Wednesday or Thursday, I can't remember, and she was friendly but she asked if I was mad at her. Nooooo, my cell phone died. She was on her way out the door but wanted me to e-mail her some MP3 songs to download. I said sure, call me when you get back. She never called, which isn't a big deal in my book, hey, people get busy. So my problem now is, do I call her today to wish her Happy New Years. I know, to much thought process goes into the whole flippin thing, but thats me :p Is she going to be mad I haven't called her, will it seem like I'm being overbearing? Blah blah blah. Why does this have to be so complicated? Maybe thats why I was friends with guys most of my life. Once you get PAST the sexual part, there aren't a lot of rules except to be cool to each other. Whatever dude :lol:
Don't put rules on yourself. If you are concerned about what she is thinking, ask her. My own thoughts are that I'm not friends with someone just to be friends; I am 'aquaintances' with people like this but friendship only comes (to me) through a true connection. I've always been better friends with guys too. :) I figure, that's just who I am... lol... maybe I'm more masculine; so be it :) .

[potatofree]

I was once told I was "just one of the guys...but with boobs".

http://forum.lowcarber.org/gallery/files/3/1/0/5/6/er.gif

[sublime]

I was once told I was "just one of the guys...but with boobs".

http://forum.lowcarber.org/gallery/files/3/1/0/5/6/er.gif
I was one of the guys without boobs ;) :lol:

[SaphhireX]

I don't think I have social anxiety. I just actually prefer to spend time by myself. I love to read so I usually have my nose stuck in a book. I'll talk to people if they talk to me. I've even been know to start conversations. I just prefer my own company. I hear so often from other truckers that when they stop the truck for the night they want to go 'party', get out of the truck. Not me. I love to snuggle up in the bunk (bed) and read until I fall asleep. :) I've had a LOT of my friends tell me I'm weird for that but I just tell them it's what I enjoy and it's not hurting them so big fat harry deal. :) (I love Garfield..lol) I actually like to revel in my "weirdness" LOL

I am unfortunately somewhat of a 'toucher'. I will put my hand on someones arm once in a while but I'm very sensitive if they draw back and I try hard to watch for that. I really don't want to make someone uncomfortable. I do NOT however appreciate those people who "get in my space" when we're talking. I have a rather wide space around me at least 2-3 feet. I'm comfortable as long as no one gets into it. It even bothers me to have people stand close behind me at the checkout. I've been known to actually move the cart back and get infront of the cart just so they won't 'stand on my heels'. I read once that is has to do with the aura (if you believe in that, I do) and each persons comfort area is dependent upon how large around the physical body the aura is. The small the aura the closer people can get without bother you. I don't know if I used the correct term but the explanation is essentially right. Interesting concept.

I don't know about you, but I also don't like going places by myself for the first time. A restaurant, etc. I like to get the lay of the land with someone around. After that, I'm fine to go alone. Anyone else like that?

As far as the "Margies" situation... Just email. It's not as "Personal" but your still get the information across without having someone breathing down your neck or expecting an immediate reply. I LOVE email. :)

[sublime]

I love e-mail too, but unfortunatly did not get it yet. If it was any other situation I'd probly have forgotten about it by now. As it is my daughters teacher and I'm head grade parent, well, you get the gist of it. I'll be seeing her in February like it or not. :p

[jjj]

I'm a bit of a hermit too, Saphire :) I don't 'need' friends around me all the time (and some people, I think, actually think that I have a problem because of it but this is not an 'anxiety' issue... I've dealt with that long enough to know the dif :D ) I like to party.... I get up on stage in front of people and sing and play guitar... I'm alright with myself but I live in the country and love the internet (maybe too much :p ). The only real social situations that I am still uncomfortable with (and I think this is pretty common) is anything 'fancy'. I HATE formal type gatherings and I'll make up any excuse I can to miss them. :)

[sublime]

I'm a bit of a hermit too, Saphire :) I don't 'need' friends around me all the time (and some people, I think, actually think that I have a problem because of it but this is not an 'anxiety' issue... I've dealt with that long enough to know the dif :D ) I like to party.... I get up on stage in front of people and sing and play guitar... I'm alright with myself but I live in the country and love the internet (maybe too much :p ). The only real social situations that I am still uncomfortable with (and I think this is pretty common) is anything 'fancy'. I HATE formal type gatherings and I'll make up any excuse I can to miss them. :)


Thats me to a tee!! I really don't care to have people, even friends, around me all the time. I don't want to talk on the phone all day. I live out pretty much by myself, and love it that way. The problem is, when someone wants to be friends, its turns me into a mess, just the thought of it. :agree:

[SaphhireX]

Yeah, I'm not real comfortable with the "fancy" thing either. I'm pretty plebian in my tastes. Think "hobbits" LOL Simple is me. (uh..NOT simple-minded..lol) I've been having a bad time this week as far as people bugging me though. I have to really bite my tongue not to answer the phone "What the HELL do YOU want NOW???" Grrr... Sorry stress levels a bit high. Too many people wanting something from me recently. I guess it's kinda different from what Sublime is talking about. I feel for you! I never really had that problem. My only problem is the older I get the more I want to be left alone, and I think I'm heading straight for "Cranky-Ole-B*tch-with-a-100-cats" in my old age! :D Anyway, Sublime, Here's a little emoticon that I saw the other day. Just imagine this (if it'll work here) next time someone wants to be 'friends'. >:/ Or maybe how 'bout just a cup of coffee? ~O)

[SaphhireX]

Darn...didn't work. :( Oh well...they work on Yahoo! It was supposed to be "Bring It ON!"

[DaisyGreen]

I have had social anxiety as well. Even on the internet, I had slowly started to pull away from friends I had even here. I became a stayathome mom and after my weight gain, no outside work, ....sort of pulled away from life. I have been coming out of it, and proud of the headway. I have friends I've contacted, and had guests over as well. The last job I had, I left, walked out, after a fellow worker made a comment about my weight. It was about 3 years ago and I just got progressively worse.



One confession is that I didn't keep a very clean house. Which kept visitors at bay. I have worked hard on this issue which has changed tremendously. If anyone else deals with this issue, www.flylady.com has been a savior, regarding my unmanagable home.

The other thing that changed was my body. I had let myself go and really didn't want to be seen. I treated myself pretty much like a troll.
I went out this past week and even had my hair done. I normally would never spend that on myself. But I love the confidence I am feeling in myself. I think soon I am going to get a job, not as much for the money, but to give me something to do and get back around others.

[CNYMom]

This thread could have been written by me! I am a single parent of a lovely 6 year-old girl, and I work full-time, but outside of our immediate family, I can't think of a single person I would call a friend. That's so sad! My church family is close, I suppose, so I guess I'm not as isolated as I used to be. My daughter is very outgoing, which pretty much forces me to be at times. I am a software engineer, and for years just got used to "living in my head", as my family calls it, I am just so uncomfortable around actual people, I have no idea what to do with them.

One confession is that I didn't keep a very clean house.
Yep, this has been my problem, too. We moved into a new house in 2005, and still haven't finished organizing, furnishing, etc, so it still feels "unfinished". Even when it is clean, it doesn't feel clean, so I have to admit, I let it slide more than I should. I'm a perfectionist, which probably doesn't help either.

Last summer, my daughter wanted to have a party, and I was at such a loss! I actually bought a book on being a hostess, because I had no idea how to be, and she and I learned together what to do.

My weight has always seemed to be a reflection of how I felt about myself at any given point in my life, and that hasn't changed.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello, because... well, because I can totally relate!

:agree:

[galatia]

I am just so uncomfortable around actual people, I have no idea what to do with them.


LOL....yep, I know the feeling. :)

[fatnewmom]

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[NixCarbos]

galatia-"Close-talkers" and anyone who makes me want to draw an imaginary line in the air with my forefinger and say "This is my area, please take three steps back!" get to me.

:lol: I can relate to this one! We should do like Les Nesman on WKRP in Cincinnati :lol: