Crystal64
Sun, Oct-22-06, 10:07
’m a long-winded Canadian girl, 63 years young.
If you think you can’t do anything read on…
For those of you who are able this will be boring, I’m writing this with the hope that at least one person in my condition will find some inspiration.
I’ve been in bed since June 8, 2005. Except for some medical visits and a trip to the mall about a month ago. I travel on a scooter when I must go out. To make a long story shorter let me just say that I have lost my strength due to several falls, illnesses etc. I once weighed 414 pounds, today I weigh 284 pounds. I’m facing spine surgery and was told that swimming would be a big part of my post op therapy.
Yesterday I made up my mind that I was going to fight for my life, be strong enough to face surgery. My biggest fear was that nobody would be able to take care of me after surgery. I suffer with terrible anxiety or panic attacks and will admit to having five bad ones today.
My scooter is in for repairs so Wheel Trans picked me up at 1:00 PM with my walker. The long ride went Welland I enjoyed seeing all the beautiful trees as they change their colours.
Arrived at my doctors office at 2:30, got a B12 shot and discussed my surgery. I proceeded to go into the next building where the pool is located.
Attack #1 got stopped at the office and had to pay my annual membership fee. I can’t stand still, got that done with perspiration dripping into my eyes and you could hear my heart pounding.
Took the elevator to the basement, the pool door was locked, had to go back to the secretary for help. Entered the change room, took off my clothes, fought to get the walker through a stubborn door. Stepped into a shower stall, tried to use the hand held shower and hold onto the wall at the same time.
Panic #2 very bad. There wasn’t anyone else there so I said to heck with the shower, through another stupid door and was struck with horribly hot air. I didn’t die, I didn’t cry… Three steps down and I sank into the most beautiful warm water. I swear it felt like the gentle waves crept up and embraced me in such a loving way. I glanced at the clock, 3:00 Pm. Oh my God I love the water! I felt like a mermaid as I swam to and fro.
I was alone in the pool and I walked, front wards, backwards, and sideways. I decided to have some real fun so I put on my big pink goggles and a Speedo bathing cap and did some underwater diving.
I hate bathing caps they are too tight so I yanked it off and loved the freshness as the water drenched my curls.
An elderly couple came in and asked if it would bother me if they played ball. I stood with my back to them and did leg lifts. I could hear their breathing as they threw and caught the ball, and was aware of the good they were doing for their body. After half an hour they left and I took the ball. I remembered Blue_Denim_and Lace Sherry, teaching me how to do the Body Flex, so I worked it into the game of throwing the ball as hard as I could and swimming quickly to retrieve it. I had so much fun all by my lonesome.
At 6:pm I decided to get into the Hot Tub, It’s tricky getting in but I finally got seated and enjoyed the jets of water as they eased my muscles. I stayed there for ten minutes. Panic #3
I couldn’t get out, I huffed and puffed and struggled but couldn’t get my arms in position to hoist myself up. All I could think of was my husband would beat home waiting for me and they’d find me tomorrow shrivelled up like a prune.
Now panic is bad but if you use your head you can get through it. I convinced myself that there was a snake in there and I was determined to get out. I finally got my rear end on land and kinda scooted my way to the edge of the pool thinking I’d let myself fall in. No couldn’t do that either so I kept scooting till I got to the steps. Did you know you could sweat in water? Oh heavens the relief I felt to be back into that refreshing water. I swam until 6:45, got out of the pool and in comes some old friends who had to tell me all their problems and I’m shaking to beat the band.
I avoided the shower stall and the sauna room and finally sat on a much too low toilet. Stripped of my swimming suit, got dried. While trying to put my slacks on which got wet from the floor I vowed to never wear slacks there again. I knew I had time so I sat for about ten minutes trying to get my breathing back to normal. Panic # 4, couldn’t get up from the toilet, it was far too low and there was nothing to hold onto, the toilet paper holder was cheap and I knew it would crack with my weight. Do you believe me? Have you ever sat on something and couldn’t get up? Well I used the snake in the toilet idea and with a large cry I stood up.
I felt so hot and frightened. Made my way to the elevator and there stood someone that I did not ever want to see again! My hair was dripping, I was shaking, and I knew he could hear the air wheezing in my lungs. Finally got seated and caught my breath. Wanted something to read while waiting for my ride home, so I left my walker there and quite bravely walked over to the lounge and grabbed a magazine. Plopped my big fanny down and looked at the magazine. Finish, every word was written for people who came from Finland. So-kay, so I just sat there looking stupid.
7:15 still no bus? Tried to call home the cell phone wouldn’t work, while I was trying to call I spied the bus pulling away from the doctor’s entrance I began waving my arms like a lunatic panic #5 very bad attack. I still don’t know how I got outside and into the bus, but I did it and half an hour later we pulled up in front of our house. Hubby, Frank was standing there waiting and let me tell you, he’s been mine for forty-six years but I never ever loved him more than I did that moment. He brought everything in and had some nice brisket cooked, I ate a few pieces and stopped because I truly want to get this blubber off of me. I insisted on bringing my heavy bag upstairs alone and with great relief I sat on my beautiful raised seated toilet and emptied out all my wet suit and towels.
[B]The need to write this down was so great that while the computer was booting up I felt warm tears of Joy, peace, relief, gratitude, and comfort, do I need to go on? I had to write this because I knew that YOU might read this and know that you can do it too. Okay it was scary at times, really scary but fright doesn’t kill! That is what I learned today. I am so frikkin proud of myself right now. I look like hell and I stink like chlorine and I don’t have the energy to get a bath, but I’m happy and did I say, I’m so proud of what I accomplished and I’m going back again and again as long as I’m alive, I’ll get better.
If you read this, entire God bless you, and I love you dearly,
love Crystal
If you think you can’t do anything read on…
For those of you who are able this will be boring, I’m writing this with the hope that at least one person in my condition will find some inspiration.
I’ve been in bed since June 8, 2005. Except for some medical visits and a trip to the mall about a month ago. I travel on a scooter when I must go out. To make a long story shorter let me just say that I have lost my strength due to several falls, illnesses etc. I once weighed 414 pounds, today I weigh 284 pounds. I’m facing spine surgery and was told that swimming would be a big part of my post op therapy.
Yesterday I made up my mind that I was going to fight for my life, be strong enough to face surgery. My biggest fear was that nobody would be able to take care of me after surgery. I suffer with terrible anxiety or panic attacks and will admit to having five bad ones today.
My scooter is in for repairs so Wheel Trans picked me up at 1:00 PM with my walker. The long ride went Welland I enjoyed seeing all the beautiful trees as they change their colours.
Arrived at my doctors office at 2:30, got a B12 shot and discussed my surgery. I proceeded to go into the next building where the pool is located.
Attack #1 got stopped at the office and had to pay my annual membership fee. I can’t stand still, got that done with perspiration dripping into my eyes and you could hear my heart pounding.
Took the elevator to the basement, the pool door was locked, had to go back to the secretary for help. Entered the change room, took off my clothes, fought to get the walker through a stubborn door. Stepped into a shower stall, tried to use the hand held shower and hold onto the wall at the same time.
Panic #2 very bad. There wasn’t anyone else there so I said to heck with the shower, through another stupid door and was struck with horribly hot air. I didn’t die, I didn’t cry… Three steps down and I sank into the most beautiful warm water. I swear it felt like the gentle waves crept up and embraced me in such a loving way. I glanced at the clock, 3:00 Pm. Oh my God I love the water! I felt like a mermaid as I swam to and fro.
I was alone in the pool and I walked, front wards, backwards, and sideways. I decided to have some real fun so I put on my big pink goggles and a Speedo bathing cap and did some underwater diving.
I hate bathing caps they are too tight so I yanked it off and loved the freshness as the water drenched my curls.
An elderly couple came in and asked if it would bother me if they played ball. I stood with my back to them and did leg lifts. I could hear their breathing as they threw and caught the ball, and was aware of the good they were doing for their body. After half an hour they left and I took the ball. I remembered Blue_Denim_and Lace Sherry, teaching me how to do the Body Flex, so I worked it into the game of throwing the ball as hard as I could and swimming quickly to retrieve it. I had so much fun all by my lonesome.
At 6:pm I decided to get into the Hot Tub, It’s tricky getting in but I finally got seated and enjoyed the jets of water as they eased my muscles. I stayed there for ten minutes. Panic #3
I couldn’t get out, I huffed and puffed and struggled but couldn’t get my arms in position to hoist myself up. All I could think of was my husband would beat home waiting for me and they’d find me tomorrow shrivelled up like a prune.
Now panic is bad but if you use your head you can get through it. I convinced myself that there was a snake in there and I was determined to get out. I finally got my rear end on land and kinda scooted my way to the edge of the pool thinking I’d let myself fall in. No couldn’t do that either so I kept scooting till I got to the steps. Did you know you could sweat in water? Oh heavens the relief I felt to be back into that refreshing water. I swam until 6:45, got out of the pool and in comes some old friends who had to tell me all their problems and I’m shaking to beat the band.
I avoided the shower stall and the sauna room and finally sat on a much too low toilet. Stripped of my swimming suit, got dried. While trying to put my slacks on which got wet from the floor I vowed to never wear slacks there again. I knew I had time so I sat for about ten minutes trying to get my breathing back to normal. Panic # 4, couldn’t get up from the toilet, it was far too low and there was nothing to hold onto, the toilet paper holder was cheap and I knew it would crack with my weight. Do you believe me? Have you ever sat on something and couldn’t get up? Well I used the snake in the toilet idea and with a large cry I stood up.
I felt so hot and frightened. Made my way to the elevator and there stood someone that I did not ever want to see again! My hair was dripping, I was shaking, and I knew he could hear the air wheezing in my lungs. Finally got seated and caught my breath. Wanted something to read while waiting for my ride home, so I left my walker there and quite bravely walked over to the lounge and grabbed a magazine. Plopped my big fanny down and looked at the magazine. Finish, every word was written for people who came from Finland. So-kay, so I just sat there looking stupid.
7:15 still no bus? Tried to call home the cell phone wouldn’t work, while I was trying to call I spied the bus pulling away from the doctor’s entrance I began waving my arms like a lunatic panic #5 very bad attack. I still don’t know how I got outside and into the bus, but I did it and half an hour later we pulled up in front of our house. Hubby, Frank was standing there waiting and let me tell you, he’s been mine for forty-six years but I never ever loved him more than I did that moment. He brought everything in and had some nice brisket cooked, I ate a few pieces and stopped because I truly want to get this blubber off of me. I insisted on bringing my heavy bag upstairs alone and with great relief I sat on my beautiful raised seated toilet and emptied out all my wet suit and towels.
[B]The need to write this down was so great that while the computer was booting up I felt warm tears of Joy, peace, relief, gratitude, and comfort, do I need to go on? I had to write this because I knew that YOU might read this and know that you can do it too. Okay it was scary at times, really scary but fright doesn’t kill! That is what I learned today. I am so frikkin proud of myself right now. I look like hell and I stink like chlorine and I don’t have the energy to get a bath, but I’m happy and did I say, I’m so proud of what I accomplished and I’m going back again and again as long as I’m alive, I’ll get better.
If you read this, entire God bless you, and I love you dearly,
love Crystal