parenting infant stuff

[Meg_S]

More questions!!
What do you do when your baby just cries? I'm crying right now and on my 2nd beer. I'm not the type to ever just let a baby cry (I know ther eis the philosophybut I've been sitting and holding him with my earplugs in while he just cries and cries and I don't know what to do!!! He's fed, changed, clean - doesn't like any position, isn't interested in nursing, isn't calmed by holding, rocking, walking.. ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!! I feel like such a bad mother, after what felt like FOREVER of him crying while I held him I just now resorted to sticking him in his carseat and holding his little hands together while he cried. He woud do it for a hilwe then stop, then start again. Right now he's silent but awake (Bjorn is 3 weeks old) and seems to be starting a trend of screaming and complaining in the mornings until about 12 or 1pm - no matter how much I try to calm him or help him take a nap, then he'll sleep all afternoon.. and start crying again some time in the evening or middle of the night. I think today the evening crying might have been my fault because I had a bath with him instead of putting him to bed when he was tired enough...but last night he was up crying too in the middle of the night. Was it because DH went for a walk with him at night instead of him going to bed?? rrrr I've had a few days where he was just a total angel baby and it was so cheering!! Maybe it's because I'm sick and he's acting up but I don't know what to do :( :(

[potatofree]

HAve you ruled out him having what you're sick with? Crying spells are fairly common in healthy babies, even if they're scary and frustrating, but a change in behavior and sudden persistant bouts of screaming are grounds for a check with the doctor.

If he's not sick, then there's no harm in putting him down in the crib and leaving the room for a few minutes just for a little distance or have DH watch him while you take a shower or bath. It's NOT your fault for taking the bath with him or for DH taking him out... that much I do know.

You're not a bad mother, you're just tired and frustrated.

[jaybird]

I'd also guess he probably has what you have. Woudn't hurt to take him to the doc in this situation and check it out, then you'd know at least. Maybe that's why he doesn't even want to nurse, if his throat hurts? Have you tried anything homeopathic to calm him, like calmes forte I think I've heard of can help. You are a good mother, and that is exactly why you feel so distraught right now! I hope you find a good solution soon. I know you like to go the natural route as much as possible as do I. I'd probably take him to the regular doc and see if they can tell if anything is up (has what you has, maybe an earache, maybe a UTI...that can't tell you what is hurting them at this age :tears: )...then you can always do some research on alternative treatments if needed, etc. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this Meg, it's one of the hardest things for a mother to hear their baby cry and not know what it's from. I wish I lived closer to you so I could come over and give you a hug!

[tigersue]

To me it sounds like a classic colic, if he was sick he would be crying all the time, or very lethargic and not eating, that sort of stuff. It could be lactose intolerance, this is about the time it shows up. Eliminate all dairy for two weeks to see what happens, you can also get simithicone drops to see if that can help with any abdominal gas pain he may be having. Try a swing. A bath usually helps calm a baby at night, not make it worse, that is something I learned working in the nursery, it can actually help calm a baby down. Make sure he is warm enough or not too warm, Kendra did not like to be cold at all. If the screaming is hysterical, sounding like he is just in lots of pain, it could be the lactose intolerance, or problems with other food you are eating, but lactose is usually the biggest culprit, even with BF babies.
Hope these suggestions help. IT is always okay to have him checked out for illness, it is better to be safe than sorry.
Take care,
Tanya

[csoar2004]

Babe, after you have the baby checked to make sure there's no underlying reason for the nonstop crying (ear infections are often sneaky things with no hint until you get an inconsolable baby), you sooooooooo need to get this book: The Happiest Baby (http://www.thehappiestbaby.com/story.htm) and learn the technique for turning on a baby's calming reflex (here's a quick overview: http://www.biawa.org/baby/baby.htm).

I've practiced this with grand neices/nephews (no grandchildren yet - guess they need more practice. :D ) and it works quite well.

PS. You might investigate YOUR diet as a contributory cause for baby upset. Gluten and dairy, in particular, might be causing tummyaches in your newborn.

And Meg, ditch the beer. Self-medicating with alcohol won't resolve the situation and could lead to unforseen consequences.

PPS. I had days when my baby, toddler, and myself all sat on the floor, crying. Nobody ever claimed parenting was easy (and if they did - they were either lying or have never had children).

You can do this. HONEST! :D

[dane]

I had days when my baby, toddler, and myself all sat on the floor, crying.This made me laugh, but only because I've been there, ;)

Meg, you could be describing me and baby No.2 at the 3-6 week mark. Zsolti was this age August of last year, during the Olympics. I watched ALOT of the olympics at midnight, on the couch with a constantly crying baby, so that DH and DS could get some sleep. Eventually the baby would fall asleep on my chest, but until then, it was nightmarish.

You find yourself questioning your capability, your diet, your baby's health, everything......but the reality is that it just IS.

One theory I like is that the newborn baby's systems...both digestive and emotional....are still immature and developing, and he can't process all the stimuli (food, life). So, he cries. Constantly. You can try the anti-gas drops (simethicone), warm baths, rocking, sitting him on top of the washing machine, driving in a car, etc. Some might work, none might work. You just gotta do the time, because time is what will cure it.

You'll look back on this when he's 4 months old, finding it hard to believe he ever acted like this, :)

I've read that a glass of wine might act as a calming agent for both you and the baby, but as I don't drink, I never tried it. But I would urge you to be mindful of any alcohol consumption, as your baby§'s liver will have a harder time processing it.

Hang in there, girl!

[AFwife]

You need to get him into a schedule....but first take him to the doctor and see if he has colic.

Put him in your schedule, so when you sleep he sleeps. It's not gonna be easy it will take a few days but it can be done.

When he cries check: Is he hungry, is he wet or dirty, does he still have to burp...sometimes they just have extra gas in there and a good burping session helps. They have drops for gas too, called MYLICONE, works like a charm IMO. A soothing bath with lavendar will calm him down too. After I bathed my baby with it, the smell remained in my hands and would make me sleepy too. :lol:

If it's none of the above, maybe he just wants to be held.

There is nothing wrong with carrying your baby when he cries, you're not spoiling him. Contrary to what many say. Swadle him in a blanket so he feels cuddled like when he was in the womb then rock him in your arms, sing to him, softly. When he falls asleep, lay in still swaddled in his bed. Even a stroll in the stroller helps.

It'll get better sweetie, he's learning and so are you, soon, you'll know exactly why he's crying before he goes off loudly like a bull horn. :)

Congrat's on your precious gift.

[tigersue]

Meg I had a thought last night after I posted previously. I'm afraid my brain still isn't quite up to par yet. Does he have a stuffy nose? Babies are obligatory nose breathers. If they can't breathe through the nose, they cry to get enough oxygen. That is part of the reason that sick babies cry, it is the only way they can get oxygen into their system. Someone above mention mylicon drops, that is simethicone, the generic brands are much less expensive than buying the brand name, most will say infant gas drops. For a tummy that has a hard time with gas, like my Kendra, they worked a miracle, but they are not 100 % but it is worth a try. You do need to give it with every feeding at first.
All of us have been like you crying bucket full of tears because you don't know what to do to help you little one feel better when they just have to cry it out. I've been that way already, it is worse when you are so tired. IT is okay to let the baby cry in bed if you need to. My son would scream for 4 hours straight and nothing would work, holding, feeding, burping, changing rocking, walking, you name it, he just had to scream it out. On retrospect after I had Kendra, I'm sure he was also lactose intolerant because his cries were just like hers, except she cried with every feeding, he did his about once a day for a longer period of time. It also got better at about 11 months of age, which is about when she could start to handle milk products.
Take care,
Tanya

[dsdeleon]

Meg,

DS did this too, it seemed to be from 4-7PM, constant crying no matter what you do. From my research, this is the deal - Infants are getting used to life outside the womb, and by the end of the day, all the stimulation (even if very minimal) is just too much for them to bear, so they have to just cry it out. This lasts for up to 8 weeks. DF and I would just pass him back and forth during these periods. When he really freaks out, run the vaccum....My DS would calm down for a good 10 minutes with one running. BTW - at the 8 week mark it did stop, and he has been an angel ever since. The book I recommend is the Baby Whisperer. And remember - these are the best days of your life. LOL

~Danielle

[foxgluvs]

Yeah babies do have the tedancy to just cry for hours on end without any real justification. I go with the notion that it might very well be colic, if it carries on like that, then definately go to the Dr or get some kind of colic remedy...or maybe he is a bit lactose intollerant....soya milk can help with a gripy baby no end! My friend had this too, she was at her wits end, and she changed over the soya milk and he settled within the first 3 feeds.
Get it checked if it carries on, if it settles down, then just put it down to being a fussy babe...it's not all roses being a mum when you're tired and have a fretful baby!!

[liz175]

Definitely get him checked out by the doctor. There's no other way to tell at such a young age if there is anything physically wrong.

Sometimes the only thing that calmed my son down was putting him in the car and driving. I remember once, he screamed for so long I got scared and called the hospital (we were travelling so I couldn't just call my doctor) and they said to bring him in. By the time we drove to the hospital, he had calmed down and fallen asleep in the car.

Pushing him in the stroller outside also worked sometimes, but the car worked more consistently.

This doesn't work with all babies -- my daughter used to scream when we put her in the car (we learned when she got older that she easily gets carsick) -- but it works with some of them and it's worth a try.

Also, I know it is hard with a nursing baby, but see if you can get some time to yourself. If you are turning to alcohol, you are at the end of your rope. Can your husband watch the baby for a set period of time every evening while you exercise or take a bath or do something relaxing? I used to be grateful if my husband would just take the baby out in the stroller for a few minutes after dinner so I could do the dishes in peace! Before I had a baby, I never dreamed how much I could enjoy doing dishes as long as I could do them by myself.

[UPMichigan]

I don't know if anyone said this yet but he may have gas. my kids (I have 4) all grasped their hands together when they had gas or were constipated as babies. Is he tooting at all?

[mama22boys]

'The Fussy Baby Book' by Dr. Sears was my life saver. It really helped me understand and appreciate my high needs baby. Owen nursed constantly and when he wasn't nursing he was crying. This started day 3 in the hospital and he continues to have a intense, persistant personality now at 4 yo. I almost started crying reading your post and remembering those first few months. IT WAS AWFUL! I was so disappointed and frustrated. You have some great advice here. If you rule out anything medical (sick, food sensitivities, etc) then hopefully is is just a phase...working out his newborn nervous system.
Have faith in your BFing him. He is FAR better off with your milk (even if you have to eliminate some foods for awhile). He really shouldn't get constipated on breastmilk ever (may go a few days without a BM because breastmilk has so little waste, especially if you have a good diet). Nursing helps push gas through and he may have gas if he has been crying a lot or is sensitive to dairy (which ALOT of babies are).
I am with liz175. If the baby is going to cry whether or not you are there then get out for an hour. Go for a walk, clear your head, have some peace. This is by no means your fault or something you are doing and can control. You can then come back and be much more calm for your little one.

Just one last thing, make sure you have a good latch and position while BFing. If the babe isn't nicely parallel to your body or have a good latch then he may be gulping in more air...causing air bubbles and gas.

Sorry for such a long post. This one hits home :)

[Hilary M]

Aww, Meg, I've been there too. You've gotten a lot of great advice in this thread. I'm sure you've thought of this, but have you tried the dryer trick you mentioned in another post? Putting him on a blankie on top of the dryer to get all warm and feel the vibrations? There is also a technique called the 5 S's...let me see if I remember them:

Swaddle: wrap baby up tight in a blankie so his arms and legs aren't flailing all around
Skin: get baby in contact with your skin in some way.
Sideways: hold baby sideways against your chest, as if you were nursing
Swing: swing your body from side to side like you're doing "the twist," rocking the baby
Shhh: whisper "shhhhh" into the baby's ear. they love the white noise and the warmth of your breath on their skin.

My little girl particularly liked the "shhhh" part.

[Meg_S]

Wow.. I didn't realize anyone had responded to this thread, it just showed up in my email today!
Thanks everyone for the support... I don't know this for sure, but I believe the main screaming culprit is gas. I know he is really gassy and am always watching what I eat and spend a lot of time doing fart aerobics with him. What I don't know is if the gas is caused by the antibiotics I'm on right now (no choice, I was REALLY sick) or just because. MIL told me that DH and his brother were both terribly gassy as babies. I'm really hoping it's the antibiotics because that means that things should improve before too long...this might be idealistic but I want to enjoy my sweet baby a little. I look at him when he's sleeping and wish I could snuggle and spend time with a non crying baby sometimes..since all of my time right now is spent either nursing or trying to help him get comfortable or help to expell gas. His bowel movments have become much less frequent in the last few days, but they're still liquid and that yellowish colour.
Whatever the cause of the gas is I think the crying is exacerbated by the fact that on top of being in pain he is a pretty spirited or high need baby, he's very easily annoyed I can tell already he's going to have a strong and intense personality...he has no patience for bodily discomfort. I've also started to give him these drops "sab simplex" which are for gassy babies - last night was a good sleep night until the gas started in at about 430. One thing that I can't seem to fix is that his good latch is only sporadic. He gets really silly with my breasts sometimes and makes all kinds of strange noises and different ways of sucking no matter how many times I take him off and reattach him. I suspect that he swallows air at that time.

thanks again!!

[jaybird]

You know, Piper sometimes does that thing at my breast where she is being very funny and not really latching on but its obvious she wants to nurse. I've noticed two things withher anyway...it may not apply to you two: sometimes she needs to burp, so maybe her tummy is just starting to hurt and I put her up to my chest looking over my should and gently pat...actually usually she'll burp without a pat. Another thing I noticed when she actually gets fussy and is rooting but won't stay on my breast...the milk is taking a minute to let down and she is getting impatient. Sometimes I will just pick her up for a second and cuddle her until I feel that let-down so she doesn't get so mad. Oh, and I remember one other thing. Sometimes when she has been nursing for a few minutes she starts to get fussy, and I'm pretty sure it's because the milk isn't coming out as fast anymore...so I do breast compression, I just kind of press on different parts of my breast to get the milk flowing a little faster and that gets her happy and latched on well again. HTH!

[Hilary M]

April has a good point about letdown...my daughter got SO impatient waiting for letdown that she didn't want to stay latched. Maybe try massaging your breasts and expressing a few drops of milk to get the letdown going, so he gets milk as soon as he latches on?

Also, don't worry about the infrequent bowel movements. As someone else said, breastfed babies sometimes just don't need to poop too much. In my daughter's case, she could go 4 or 5 days without a dirty diaper. Of course it worried me, but the pediatrician said one poop a week is nothing unusual.

[liz175]

And some babies are just high need.

For whatever it is worth, my high-need baby became a high-need child and a high-need teenager, but he is now a delightful, creative, independent, affectionate 20-year old. We had some nightmarish years with him, but we hung in there and loved him and in the end it all worked out and he appreciates what we did for him.

[BetyLouWho]

...but first take him to the doctor and see if he has colic.

.
As far as I know, there is no way to diagnose colic. Of course you will try to search for solutions every waking minute to determine if there is something that you can do! After the doctors are convinced that there is nothing that they can see as a particular problem, they'll use the "c" word to mean "we don't know."

My colicky kid screamed in agony till he was blue in the face. Back arching, tongue quivering, wailing for up to seven hours at a time, sometimes for 95% of his waking hours. At the end of four months when the agony tapered off, they all said: "Yup, it was colic"

A lot of these baby calming techniques are great. Dr Sears and his fussy baby theories (I think) are fantastic. But, there is a huge difference between a "fussy baby" or a "high need baby" and a hurting baby. I hope that yours ain't the hurting kind for very long, dear. It's a hell of a tough road.

[Hilary M]

After the doctors are convinced that there is nothing that they can see as a particular problem, they'll use the "c" word to mean "we don't know."
True. I think the definition of colic is "unexplained crying."

[Meg_S]

I'm in such a great mood right now.. I actually had a nice morning with the baby!! We only had ONE screaming fit and it lasted a mere 5-7 minutes when I changed his diaper and his clothing. Bjorn was actually awake for a while and being CUTE after that. I cannot believe we had a good morning, it seems so unreal - he's napping now. Yes.. he's fussy and impatient and everything annoys him but I'll take that over the screams of gas pain any day.

I feel bad for DH because he comes home every day to me in tears of frustration.. poor guy. Hoping today continues as it started so I can have a smile for him today :)

[BellaLinda]

My first daughter was colicky. God, I hate that "diagnosis". It's worse than "we don't know what's wrong", nine times out of ten it's more "we don't want to bother finding out what is wrong." Lots of 'colicky' babies really have reflux, for instance.

Hold him and cuddle him just as much as you can, then if you have to put him down and walk away. I don't agree with crying it out either, but sometimes you have to preserve your sanity. You might want to consider getting a sling if you don't have one, it'll make walking & holding him a bit easier.

You might also want to check your diet for the most common allergens--wheat, dairy, even soy. Eliminate one thing at a time from your diet for at least a week, and see if there's an improvement. A mild allergy can cause gas, and that's a horribly painful thing for a baby.

If nothing else, take heart in the fact that it will be outgrown. Everything I read with #1 indicates that colic tends to disappear around four months (which was right when my daughter got good at holding her head up straight more often than not, which buys into the reflux theory).

Someone else mentioned Dr Sears, and I'll gladly second that recommendation. His books have helped me out quite a bit.

Also, like others have said, don't worry about spoiling your baby. It's a myth. At his age especially, your son doesn't have any wants, only needs.