Need to vent :(

[KimNWI]

Hey all just had to share this, I hope it won't seem like I am blowing it out of proportion because honestly I don't understand why I am so upset about it.

I was on the phone with my Mom a few minutes ago. I am from Roanoke, VA where she is still living so I don't see her and my family much. The picture I have as my before pic was taken in March on my last visit home. Anyway, she had went to visit some of my other relatives today and apparently one of my cousins has gained weight. Mom said she was in a 16 and told her today she is now in a 22. Big deal right. I honestly have no clue why Mom is so obessed with peoples sizes but I promise you it didn't help my self esteem growing up at all....So she tells my cousin and anyone who is in the room " Oh did I tell you, Kim is doing low carb now..she has lost 50 pounds and is in a 20 already..They reacted with amazement and then the visit went on.

The reason this upsets me is because she knows (we talk everyday) I have lost 42 pounds NOT 50 and I just got into a 22 NOT a 20. I asked her why she lied like that and she said well you are close to those sizes so I fibbed some. Said it all conspiracy like, as if she was helping me in some co vert operation.

I am mortified. I know she was embarassed when I showed up in March in a 28. I think considering I have only been doing this a few months I have made real progress and just hurts to feel like its not enough progress for her to brag about because she had to exagerate it. Just really seriously hurts. Maybe I am being oversensitive and I know she lies about her sizes. I mean she says she is 224 (my foot) and she is in a 12 ( RIGHT) so maybe its more about her self image than her image of her only child I don't know. Why did she have to make sure she named a size for me that was under my cousin who I am sure is struggling with her gain? Any thoughts? Am I upset for no reason?

[pollypolly]

Hi Kim,

Some women are just *obsessed* with the numbers game. Throw in the fact that there's that whole mother-daughter thing going on there and it's a recipe for stuff like this. I don't think you're blowing it out of proportion at all. :agree:

Obviously, to your mom, a woman is valued for her size and appearance. A lot of the older women in my husband's family are like this. His grandmother told me every chance she got that I should "get some of that weight off before you get much older" and "you USED to look really nice, remember how skinny you used to be?" :p BLECH. I used to let it really get to me, then I realized it's her problem, not mine. I just smile and nod my head.

There might also be a competitive element to this, with your mom trying to one-up her niece's mother with your accomplishment.

Let her play her games, focus on YOUR goals, and enjoy the new person you are becoming.

Good Luck! :wave:

[locarbbarb]

I agree totally with pollypolly. Why do you even bother to tell your mother your 'vital statistics' ?

Just say, "I'm sticking to my plan and I'm making great progress." If she presses you for more info, just say, "Oh, the details are not as important as how I feel, and I feel great!"

How can she argue with that, and plus, she'll have no ammo to use with the relatives. All she could say is that you're doing low-carb and you feel great.

I hope this helps.

[Judynyc]

Oy Kim!! I'm sorry.....but the ladies are so right...don't tell your mom any numbers any more. She has her own problems with them and you don't need this aggravation any longer. Enough is enough...you are a grown woman with a child, you don't need her approval any longer. :idea:

Just send her a picture every couple of months to show her how well you are doing.....and you are doing very well!! :dazzle:

Our moms can be our very own worst enemies!! :agree:

Hugs Kim!! :bhug:

[Usul001]

I think you are doing brilliantly. Concentrate on just yourself, and your progress - and ignore everyone else - at least for a while.

[KimNWI]

Thank you for responding. I was telling her my stats regularly because I wanted her to be proud of me and see the changes I am making. I knew she had an issue with body image but I honestly thought she would be proud enough of my actual stuff to be truthful. I don't plan on sharing any of this with her from now on.

[Mandra]

I was telling her my stats regularly because I wanted her to be proud of me and see the changes I am making


If she is not proud of you as you are, then SHE (not YOU) has a problem.

I think you're doing awesomely (is that a word?)

[Samantha22]

It's funny, because my supervisor does that at work. She's on weight watchers, and always asks about atkins....and she asked how much i lost...this being about 3 weeks ago...i said..."oh..almost 70 pounds since november" and she blurts out to the whole office building "Samantha has lost 80 pounds on atkins in less than a year".....i took it as a compliment. It sucks that your mom is obsessed with sizes and numbers....you've made really awesome progress...and it doesn't much matter what size your in as long as you're working hard! To heck with what she told them....eh..besides..the next time you see them will probably be during the holidays'...and you'll be a 16 by then :)

[potatofree]

I think it was more about whatever competitive streak she has than how proud she is. My mom has to one-up EVERYTHING, even the negative. If I have a headache, she has a migraine. If I have a migraine, SHE has a tumor! :lol:

I honestly think it's all about HER, but I also agree with the others that giving her numbers to play with might not be good. Then she can just move along to another thing to "better" other people with.

[Samantha22]

what's with people like that anyway?.....lol....always one-upping no matter if its good or bad.

[KimNWI]

yeah lol she has always been like that so I don't know why I am so suprised. I hope I can look at a 16 by christmas Samatha lol thanks for your confidence :)

[potatofree]

It probably just blindsided you because your weight is something you're focused on and working to change now. She SHOULD realize it's important to you and why, but I don't think it was on her radar once those "Oh, yeah...top THIS!" urges kicked in.

Moms. <sigh>

[MyraS]

Hey Kim!

When I was in my late 20s, I went into therapy for about a year or so. Two of the three most important things I learned were:

1. You can’t change other people; you can only change the way you react to them, and

2. It’s almost never about you.

You can’t change your mother - the only power you have is to change the way you react to her.

Also, your mother’s behavior is *not* about you - it’s about her. So, stop being embarrassed or mortified by her - her behavior is no more a reflection of you than yours is of her. And that, by the way, is one of your mom’s problems - she has chosen to make your decisions, your life, your successes and your failures a reflection on HER existence. That’s why she lies to other family members to put you in what SHE considers to be a better light because she believes that light is completely focused on HER. She believes that she is being judged based what YOU do, instead of what SHE does. See how it’s not really about you?

How can you change that? You can’t. Sad, but simple.

However, you CAN change how you react to what she does. When other family members comment on things your mother said, and those things are wrong - set the record straight. Tell those family members the truth. You don’t need to be mean about it. If wish to share your progress with family members, just say, “I’m afraid Mom was wrong. I actually have lost 42 pounds, and I’m in a size 22 now, but I’m really proud of what I’ve done so far.” Chances are, the rest of your family will be, too. And you’ll probably find out that they all already know your mother exaggerates to make herself look better, and this is your chance to show them you’re not part of that exaggeration of things, which they may *not* know.

When you’re dealing directly with your mother about this, be honest - but not cruel, and phrase things in “I” expressions. You can say, “Mom, I feel really uncomfortable when my progress is being misrepresented. I don’t like be untruthful.” She might get defensive, but she won’t have anything to hang her hat on because you haven’t accused her of anything!

In the TV show “Mad About You,” Jamie (the Helen Hunt character) was complaining about her mother could always push her buttons, and her husband (Paul Reiser) said to her, “Of course she can push them - she installed them!”

I always thought that was not only a hilariously funny line, but sooooooooooo truthful!

Look, your Mom may have installed those buttons in you, but it’s up to you to disconnect them. And you can, but it takes practice, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work right away.

(((hugs)))

Myra

P.S. The third thing I learned in therapy was, Be as kind to yourself as you are to others.

[SLMDezi]

Kim,
I wanted to get in on this one...Yesterday when I called my mom to tell her I had a job interview, she said what are you going to wear??? and remember to wear lipstick...geesh....I said Mom, do you think I don't know how to dress ??? she said well I know it's hot out and I was just wonderfing if you're wearing a suit or not??? We all have issues with our mothers I think!!! grrrrr

I love my mother to death but I really think that's part of growing up they'll always think they can tell us what they want because they feel we're still little girls deep down inside, whether it hurts or not (sigh)....

I've learned along the way it's how we react to their comments...just say okay and move on, I try not to take it so personally...You're doing fantastic and I think she's very proud of you in her own way, she just has a hard time saying the right words...

Hang in there you're doing great!!!

Hugs :wave:

[KimNWI]

Thanks for all the support and advice a whole lot of the comments here made perfect sense HUGS back to all of you and thank you :)

[ValerieL]

Well, if it was my mom, the answer would be just that she is a compulsive liar. My mother would never say I lost 42 lbs if she can say 50 lb. She exaggerates everything. The great deal she got at 20% off is suddenly 50% off when she tells the story to someone else. She just likes to be the center of attention and tell a good story. Why tell the truth when an exaggeration is more interesting or compelling?

[KimNWI]

Well, if it was my mom, the answer would be just that she is a compulsive liar. My mother would never say I lost 42 lbs if she can say 50 lb. She exaggerates everything. The great deal she got at 20% off is suddenly 50% off when she tells the story to someone else. She just likes to be the center of attention and tell a good story. Why tell the truth when an exaggeration is more interesting or compelling?

LOL thats true she does that too. I have known that she will do things to be the center of attention for awhile now. Moms geez :D

[Mandra]

LOL

Well, if you KNOW that she's like that, then there's no point in getting upset at her for behaving exactly as expected.

Maybe just tell her you've lost less, and when she embellishes it she'll get it right :lol:

[Miss Katz]

You have a right to be upset. You have your own experience and reasons. My mother is like this, but I stand up to her EVERY time, no matter who is there and over the years she has come to respect that. She slips up sometimes, but I remind her that I'm not going to put up with it. I tell her she hurts my feelings, to me, that's not love. I tell her the TRUTH. I say "You are jealous because you see me as competition" and she laughs, but I notice a concerned look on her face. Maybe it takes you standing up to her so that she realizes that she is hurting you and she has NO right to. If you love her, tell her.