Hubby issue

[Shazzer]

My husband has tried his own version of Atkins several times in his life. This diet consisted of meat, some veggies and beer. He would drink his carbs. He is only 28 and has had bouts of gout for the past few years. Everytime he has tried to go all-out LC, his gout has kicked in, and then he eats whatever pleases him. I've told him to ease into it and to incorporate high fibre grains or more veggies because just meat and beer is not a proper diet. DH is also overweight and refuses to exercise. He says he is too tired.

He works in an office during the week and then just lounges around at nights and all weekend. He seriously won't get off his butt to do anything. He said he feels so awful all the time. He sleeps a lot, but not well. He is depressed and surly. His attitude is driving me crazy. Today he said he didn't feel well at all and I suggested taking a walk. That didn't happen. He said he was going to wash our cars. But he used an approaching thunderstorm as an excuse (it rained for about 20 min). So he's spent the whole day on the couch or in bed. Tonight I know he won't be able to sleep. This has been gooing on for months and has become worse.

I'm at my emotional limit with him. He won't do anything to help himself. I eat well and try to have good quality food at home. He's talked about doing something different, but he won't commit. I could suggest cutting out sugar or going to therapy or exercising til I'm blue in the face, but he won't listen. I'm active and I work more hours than him and still manage to do yard work, and run errands, and have hobbies. It seems like he has given up on life.

I don't mean to sound like a preachy wife, but I know the solution for his woes is to eat well and to get some sort of exercise. But I don't know what to do. I sometimes feel like doing something drastic like leaving him to get him to take care of himself. I just don't know what to do.

[Aquamarina]

The sure thing is that he is not cheating on you! :p

Leaving him is not a good idea, but you could do something similar. Eg start commenting other nice looking guys etc etc. Another suggestion could be no sex. I know this hurts even you but this will give him a good lesson. In Lisistrati, an ancient greek comedy, women stopped sex in order to make their husbands stop the war. It worked! ;)

[Shazzer]

I don't actually think about leaving him except in the abstract that maybe it would urge him to do some action. So many people have addictions to bad food and cannot seem to overcome the addictions. Or they don't realize they are addicted. Back in the days when I ate sugar, I didn't realize I had an addiction. When DH eats a pizza by himself, he doesn't realize that the pizza is the reason he feels so crappy. Maybe he does, but the cravings overwhelm logic.

I know he has to make the decision to take care of himself. But as his wife, I just can't stand watching him fade into this nothingness. I am worried about him, but also about me. It seems like with his lifestyle, he's stopped paying any attention to me physically or emotionally.

[medalian1]

You shouldn't use sex like that.

"Well you can't have sex until you get off your lazy butt."

That's just wrong. Come on, don't you watch Dr Phil?

[nets33]

It sounds to me like your DH is depressed.... feeling tired all the time but not sleeping, no motivation, sitting around.

Some of it may be related back to his diet and being overweight but there may be something else there. Just my $.02.

[cs_carver]

Can't quite tell how much beer is actually in the picture, or how much it is contributing to the overall problem. Regardless, you can probably hunt up some alcoholic somewhere in your family tree or community, and the only requirement for membership is a relationship with a problem drinker.

The larger point being, that's the cheapest most convenient most effective place to learn about how to handle someone else's problems. Yes, he sounds like he's depressed--organic or situational; sometimes they're interchangable. The bigger problem (from this point of view) is that you're making his problems the focus of your life.

(When Al-anons are drowning, someone else's life flashes before their eyes...)

Sounds also like he's already cut you off sexually, so he won't notice if you cut him off. Boy, that's a slippery slope!

You may decide not to use all of the Al-anon tools, but that is certainly a place where you will find something useful.

good luck.

[Mousesmom]

It sounds to me like your DH is depressed.... feeling tired all the time but not sleeping, no motivation, sitting around.

Some of it may be related back to his diet and being overweight but there may be something else there. Just my $.02.

This was my thought when I read the OP.

"Cutting him off" solves nothing and will only make things more distant.

Would he be willing to see a doctor?

My .02 for a Monday morning.

Julie

[Aquamarina]

It seems like with his lifestyle, he's stopped paying any attention to me physically or emotionally.

So... yes this sounds like depression. Seeing a doctor would be the best thing to do... but before this... may I ask a few things?

He is 28 and you are married. Are married many years? Did he had a full life before you? Was he different? Are you making more money than him? Can you go back and check if when this started happened something crucial at your lives?

[Faust]

It sounds to me like your DH is depressed.... feeling tired all the time but not sleeping, no motivation, sitting around.

Some of it may be related back to his diet and being overweight but there may be something else there. Just my $.02.

My first thought was hypothyroidism, which is apparently quite often not diagnosed in men, since the majority of sufferers are female. Hypothyroidism is also quite often misdiagnosed as depression.

He works in an office during the week and then just lounges around at nights and all weekend. He seriously won't get off his butt to do anything. He said he feels so awful all the time. He sleeps a lot, but not well. He is depressed and surly. His attitude is driving me crazy. Today he said he didn't feel well at all and I suggested taking a walk. That didn't happen. He said he was going to wash our cars. But he used an approaching thunderstorm as an excuse (it rained for about 20 min). So he's spent the whole day on the couch or in bed. Tonight I know he won't be able to sleep. This has been gooing on for months and has become worse.

I'm a hypothyroid male, and the above description could have been me. I was always tired, depressed and surly. (Nowadays I'm just surly. ;) ) I slept a lot, and not well. I would spend the whole day on the couch or in bed, but come to think of it, I would then sleep through the whole night.

'Course I also ballooned up in weight, developed a rather grotesque bloating in my face to the point where I came to resemble Charlie Brown's evil twin, drank 20 to 25 cups of coffee per day trying to stay awake at work (it didn't work all the time, sometimes I'd still nod off at my desk), my skin became dry and coarse, esp. on my back, and I also became very sensitive to being cold. Just mentioning this to see if you see any of these other symptoms in him.

In any event, I'd suggest he get a physical w/bloodwork. Perhaps I'm projecting my symptoms to someone else, but it can't hurt to be checked for it. It was a lifesaver for me, and taking the levothyroxine has definitely improved my quality of life as well. :)

[Bat Spit]

Shazzer,

Apparently you are married to my husband's twin.

We went through EXACTLY what you are describing. His job was suffering, I was suffering, he never had any energy, and everything pissed him off. For the first FIVE YEARS of our marriage. I DID begin to think about leaving him, because I was always so frustrated and not having any of my needs met. I knew I couldn't live like that forever.

Fortunately, several things came together. We watched a documentary about low carb, and they claimed that you'd be able to see a difference in just a few days. My dh felt challenged and went into it with a 'yeah, right' attitude. 3 days later he was a new man. He is a serious, serious sugar addict.

The first thing your husband needs to do is cut out the beer. That is just about the worst possible thing for someone with a tendency for gout. If he'd give that up and drink huge amounts of water for a while, he might be able to do any kind of Atkins. If not, it might be better if he went on a more moderate fat plan like PP or SB to reduce the stress on his compromised system.

There are some nice gentle herbals like milk thistle and garlic that can improve liver and kidney function, but really I'm betting his system just can't handle the high protein coupled with the high alcohol. If he's grain sensitive, as so many of us on this site are, then beer is the worst possible choice.

For most of us, a carb is NOT a carb and 20 carbs of beer is not at all the same thing physically as 20 carbs of broccoli and salad, or even cheese.

If he actually got off the carbs long enough, I'd bet actual money that the low energy and bad attitude would disapear, just as it did for my dh. After that, adding in excersize actually seems like a good idea.

What I can't tell you is how to get him to realize how much he's hurting you, your relationship, and himself by getting trapped in this cycle. As I said, it took me 5 years to convince mine. Does he know how frustrated you are? Maybe show him this thread? Who is in charge of the household shopping and cooking? If it is you, can you limit the things you purchase and require that if he wants crap he be responsible for buying it himself?

I hope something gets his attention. Good luck.

[Shazzer]

Thank you all for the responses. I know he has to want to make a change in his life for anything to happen. And my obsessing over it will not make it better. But I feel like some kind of change is necessary to make it better for both of us. He is my husband and I want to have a long life with him. After spending this weekend crashed in front of the tv, I think it was his low point. He came home from work last night with some better food choices from the grocery. I think with us talking and him feeling so poorly, it kind of scared him into thinking about change. As far as his alcohol habits, he brewed his own beer with some friends in graduate school (I should have explained that). That is when he first tried Atkins and would drink beer as his carbs. That is also when he first had problems with Gout. Alas. His drinking is minimal now because he has no friends close by to brew beer with, and consists of one drink a few times a week. To me that isn't so bad. He just has to eat well, then think of exercise.

I would be money, too, that if he got off the bad carbs and ate a healthy diet, he would be a different man. Earlier this year he played golf and ate a little better than he has been recently. My hope is that maybe this weekend was a turning point. We'll see.

[JenGagne]

My hope is that maybe this weekend was a turning point. We'll see.

Good luck, Shazzer. Sounds like he's in the same boat my (now ex) husband was in a few years ago. In terms of depression... there's probably bigger problems there than diet. Or, perhaps the general lack of energy is magnifying problems that would otherwise not weigh on him so heavily. I hope he learns an approach that brings him the relief that pizza won't!

DON'T leave him just on the basis that it might improve his health, though. Unless he takes it as some kind of personal challenge, it's more likely to make him even more depressed and comfort-seeking than before.

If you're still considering leaving later... ending a relationship is a big decision that involves the both of you. So, I suggest lots of marriage counseling (individual and couple sessions) from a counselor who doesn't have an overt personal agenda pro/anti-divorce.

And if you'd rather stay with him (sounds like that's what you want!) counseling can still be good for both of you. I know you said he's anti-counseling, but perhaps if you both go he'll feel better about it. Pitch it as something that can help you both learn to help each other and yourselves more effectively -- it's the truth.

For example, it can help you learn more about how and why you're focusing on his health, and how to handle that. He might take the scrutiny as unwelcome pressure -- if so, he can learn to see it as loving support. You want him healthy so you can be together for as long as possible, after all. You don't want him "leaving you" prematurely...

Also, try cooking meals together... that way, you can both eat healthy and it's a great bonding activity. Cooking a meal while hungry can also improve his appetite and appreciation for whatever's being cooked in lieu of pizza. Then after dinner, take a walk together. Whatever works. Little things like that improve all aspects of a relationship. Hope this helps!

[KryssiMc]

Definitely don't leave him! There are so many little things you can do to help...Jen mentioned a bunch above and they sound reasonable. The cooking together idea is wonderful...I do this with my honey and it is such a bonding experience. Walking after dinner while holding hands at a slow pace is not only healthful, it's romantic.

Never use sex as a weapon and don't ever mention other men around your man...that's devestating and, if he is depressed, could only be detrimental. He is so young and it's too soon to give up on life!

[JAnn]

A lot of good suggestions here but bottom line--he should get a thorough physical to rule out medical problems. From there he may need mental health counseling. If he won't go--you go. A good psychiatrist can help you work through it. Did it myself for DH--he helped me understand what was going on and it has added another 23 yrs to our marriage and going strong!

[scthgharpy]

Trade yah: I have a bipolar husband: Talk about major problems and not listening! This is what I suggest:

THE TALK: youre concerned about his health and wellbeing, he cant go on like this: ask if he trusts you. This is a big one. He HAS to. if he doesnt...then there may be some other underlying issues to address there, that are contributing to his self-abuse. You have an answer to some of his troubles, and its LC. Get him to agree to 2 weeks of induction, and PROMISE he will feel better. And, as we all know, he will!

if that doesnt work, youre gonna have to become the preachy wife. Start quoting the book: about how it helps depression, energy, the way insulin and sugar works in the bod. Plant LC articles where he has to see them. Coment on posts people have made and the successes they have had-and why. hes got to come around eventually-and if not, maybe you DO need to reconsider if a person who cant take care of his most basic health is someone you want to be involved with! Its only gonna get worse!

But hey, Ive learned to be a hardass-my husband responds to little else.

[newdawnfad]

There are several things that can cause lethargy.. Was he previously different? Has he had a lot of stress? I would get his adrenal levels, thyroid checked, blood work, heart, lyme, etc. In my experience humans like activity, and if they aren't exerciseing there's a reason or there's something wrong preventing it. If it presents as depression there may be something physical behind it.

For a pick-me-up, try this refreshing bath for him. Boil (on med-high) 1-2 ginger roots, sliced, in a pot full of water on stove, with maybe a tsp cayenne pepper, cover while boiling for about 25 mins, keeping eye on water level, then cool all the way down and pour into tub, Add bath water. That should be good for what ails him. Gets circulation going, kills pain. If it works and he seems happier, you know it's physical....