Body image TOO GOOD for motivation?

[JenGagne]

Do you think it's possible for someone to have an unhealthily positive body image? I mean to the point that an obese person either refuses to recognize the health risks, or (less dramatic) to the point that their satisfaction with how they look reduces their motivation to diet and exercise.

Sometimes I think I'm in this boat. I think I look great despite being overweight -- my husband thinks so, too, I get lots of compliments on my style, etc... But I still want to lose weight for health reasons, and I also want to get in shape so I feel like a more kickass person overall. :D

I sometimes think if I had a WORSE body image, I might be more motivated to stick with my diet/exercise. Thoughts?

Hmm, maybe I'm just lazy. :D :D :D

[cs_carver]

And, if that's the problem, how would you treat it? Probably, 30# isn't really that big a deal in the overall health problem.

Sounds like it may not be a priority for you right now. When it is, you'll do something different.

[Aquamarina]

YES YES YES.

Actually this is not my case but it is something I keep saying for fat people who seem to do nothing about it. Your words come to endorse my words.

So, you have a pretty face. So I do. A very good style. So I do. Maybe a good formed body despite the fat? I do. Probably despite the fact that you are fat you had no problem finding your other half. I hadn't. So what makes the difference between us? The fact that I always had the correct image about me. Even worst than I should.

Actually everybody has accepted you the way you are. The fat girl. Shocking huh? Can you please now tell me -the truth- who likes fat people? Your husband? No. Your husband saw your mind and closed his eyes to your body. That was the perfect thing to do. Now, go and ask your husband if he would want you thinner. If he says no, he is a liar.
My boyfriend met me at my 80 kgs. He said it was ok for him if I didn't lose a pound. My mind was brilliant. But I did. I lost 17 kgs. Now he keeps asking his friends "Isn't she gorgeous?" . He never pushed me to do something. He never asked for it. I knew he wanted it though.

So why am I dieting? I do it for me. Solely for me. I want to be seizure free. I want to be able to wear that little mini skirt. I want to go swimming without having to hide my body. I want to live like a normal person. In the back side of my mind I also want something else. To see the admiration and the envy in my friends faces. I did it! And this needs "guts" ;)

[KimNWI]

Aquamarina I have the exact same situation with my fiance and life in general. He always said I have a beautiful face and loved my mind and heart. He said he enjoyed my body and I was beautiful to him and it doesn't matter to him if I ever lose weight.

Now 34 pounds thinner he comments all the time about how much of a difference its making, how he is enjoying my curves becoming deeper and so forth.

I love that he loves me no matter what, he sure had me fooled that he didn't care if I ever lost weight. I am sure if I never did he would still be with me our relationship is based on deeper things than what I look like but is he enjoying the results? HECK YEAH. He even comments about how much he is looking forward to buying me sexy night clothes as I go down. I think he is just being honest with me.

This is more about Kim than him now, I want this for myself. I want to look on the outside how I feel inside and I think that makes all the difference in the world.

KimNWI

[rachelratz]

Is it just me, or has there been a backlash? Obese women suddenly are "plus size" (never the dreaded word fat) and (gasp) curvy. There are now obese models. Obese women are afraid to diet, because they will lose their large breasts. Obese people are suing for discrimination. Obese men are now "big". They suddenly are showing starving actresses with bones sticking out. I don't know what is going on, but this is making a just another justification for being fat.

[Aquamarina]

He even comments about how much he is looking forward to buying me sexy night clothes as I go down. KimNWI

Mine just started. :p We are currently looking at clothes and...he wants to buy me everything. Skirts, dresses, pants, underwear. The feeling that I can wear everything he sees (and that very little mini dress) is very tempting. I told him not to buy the whole store now. I have 7 more kgs to lose. ;)

[JenGagne]

Sorry I couldn't get back to this thread right away. Interesting comments, everybody...

Can you please now tell me -the truth- who likes fat people? Your husband? No. Your husband saw your mind and closed his eyes to your body. That was the perfect thing to do. Now, go and ask your husband if he would want you thinner. If he says no, he is a liar.

Actually,
A) my current husband used to compliment my looks back when I was married to someone else. And no, he definitely wasn't hitting on me. He had his own crush in mind at the time... he's not a player. :)
B) Whenever I mention losing weight he expresses anxiety: "But you won't lose too much, will you? Or become totally obsessive about it?" It's not a sabotaging control technique... it's just that he's known a few too many anorexic people in his lifetime.

I don't think trying extra hard to convince people they're actually less attractive than they think is a viable solution, even if it may add motivation on some level. I'd hope people can be motivated without having mental anguish and embarassment over how they currently are. Otherwise nobody would ever go to med school. ;)

Anyway, I'm not trying to lose weight for the aesthetics of slimness. I'm trying to do it for the best of reasons: health, vitality.

That said, you're right that looking and feeling more attractive will be a very nice bonus for me and for my husband. But that's not enough to get the ball rolling for me. It's only a bonus, not the carrot at the end of the stick.

Rachelratz, I know what you mean! People are starting to accept it aesthetically and that by extension means they're accepting the passive no-maintenance approach to health... not good.

At the same time, I think the idealization of these totally unrealistic scary thin impossible petite models and movie stars is not motivating many people to improve their health... it just makes them say "Oh I could never look like that" and so they don't try to help themselves at all.

*insert random comment here about double-edged swords*

[misskimbee]

yeah you know, I have a friend who would probably be considered 'obese' by medical standards. But she totes around her gym & fitness mags and preaches to me about atkins and weight watchers and gym exercises, etc.

I often bite my tongue when I wanna tell her to take her own advice.

[FionaM]

I dont really know much about what you are saying, except I think, in my mind Im smaller than I actually am. Because my poor kids are constantly getting knocked over by my big bum!
I try to push past something, thinking Ill make it no worries, only to send the poor little things flying!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Fiona

[KimNWI]

"I don't think trying extra hard to convince people they're actually less attractive than they think is a viable solution, even if it may add motivation on some level. I'd hope people can be motivated without having mental anguish and embarassment over how they currently are."

I just wanted to apologize if I in any way seemed to try to make you feel bad. I read back over everything and I can see what you meant by that. I am sorry. I know for me health isn't a main motivation in fact my self esteem and body image are so low it doesn't even register on the scale of why I am doing this. I do feel healthier than I did at 294 but I am doing this to look the way I used to. I think its great you have so much confidence and that you are doing this for health. I know there are several ladies on the forum that are. Anyway I am sorry you should feel like your beautiful no matter what and I didn't mean to encourage you not to. :(.

KimNWI

[Aquamarina]

JenGagne, the actual carrot for me is a vital health reason. I have epilepsy and this is the only way to avoid seizures.
However, none can be really healthy with extra pounds.
About men, maybe yours is an exception, but I have been dating a lot and none said "you have a cute face and a brilliant mind, stay fat". I think that my man, who chosen me for the upper part of my body, and any man who does this, deserves the best from me. I don't want him to say "I'm dating with a brilliant minded whale". Going a little bit in the inner of our lives, I don't think any man would like to have sex with a fat woman. Sex is pure eye and touch pleasure, so I want him and me to get the most out of it. Don't tell me this isn't so important, cause for me good sex is very important for a relationship (we all are adults here right?).
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is called realization. Liberty phrases like "I am what I am and whoever likes me" are past. The correct one should be "I am what I am today but I will something better tomorrow." This is called evolution ;)

[Bat Spit]

Well, I think I have to disagree with some of the posts here.

I know I'm fat. I know why I'm fat. That does not make me an inferior person. It doesn't keep me from having great friends and being sought out for my talents. It did not make my brilliant husband less interested in marrying me, and it doesn't make him less eager in our bedroom. I don't think you have to have a poor self image to want to lose weight.

I think of it more as a refurbishment. I love my house. It's the best place I've ever lived and I'm very content with it just as it is. This does not mean I don't have plans to redo the kitchen when finances permit to streamline things, improve storage space, and just make it that much nicer.

I love myself. I think I'm a pretty neat person most days. Just because I like myself now doesn't mean that I won't feel a little spiffier with a more streamlined shape and some extra muscles.

[Aquamarina]

NOBODY here said that you are an inferior person Bat Spit!

We do not discriminate people here in bad, good, smart or stupid.

It's called realization, knowing the truth, having the correct image about yourself etc. It's the knowledge of the pros and cons each one of us has.
I suppose eveyone here knows that we are fat or that we need to lose some extra pounds. If you didn't knew this you wouldn't be here.
If you make a gallop among men you will realize that they also want us thin. At least the 90%.
If a friend of you really cared about you, he should have told you that you need to lose those extra pounds. That's why friends are for. To tell us the truth that sometimes we deny to accept.

It's harsh, harsh, harsh. But if you don't accept it you will never do something for it. So come on, leave the excuses, I have a ton of them to give you, and do something for yourself. No matter who will motivate you, you just need a motive to start. The key is to find the motive, even if it is to visit your neighbor wearing a tiny bikini. :D


PS. I had many boyfriends who found me cute and curvy even at my 80 kgs. Certainly not a poor self image as a motive. But hey dear, if I have a seizure may nobody be there to save me...well, that gives me a motive! :)

[JenGagne]

No worries, nothing to apologize for! I mainly was posting in a more general sense. Besides, I did bring up this topic expecting some discussion. :)

Nice to know I'm not the only one out there who says "I'm happy with my looks, but I want to be healthier."

[IvannaBFit]

Sometimes I'm happy with my looks, but sometimes I'm not. I go back and forth.

And men's interests are as varied as ours. For instance, a very muscular man? Not for me, thanks. I like men either a little thinner than the "ideal" or even fatter! Unfortunately, the commercialism of sexual attraction has caused people to become more narrow in their acceptance of bodies...

[potatofree]

About men, maybe yours is an exception, but I have been dating a lot and none said "you have a cute face and a brilliant mind, stay fat". I think that my man, who chosen me for the upper part of my body, and any man who does this, deserves the best from me. I don't want him to say "I'm dating with a brilliant minded whale". Going a little bit in the inner of our lives, I don't think any man would like to have sex with a fat woman. Sex is pure eye and touch pleasure, so I want him and me to get the most out of it. Don't tell me this isn't so important, cause for me good sex is very important for a relationship (we all are adults here right?).
Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is called realization. Liberty phrases like "I am what I am and whoever likes me" are past. The correct one should be "I am what I am today but I will something better tomorrow." This is called evolution

Wow. I feel sorry for you if your definitions of "correct" appearance are so narrow. Fat women can be attractive, have lots of good sex, be mothers, lovers, wives and successes in the business world.

I'd not trade my wide butt for a narrow mind, ever.

[MsTwacky]

I have no idea what my body looks like!!

That's sounds funny, but I have a very distorted perception of myself. I know I'm fat, but just how big or what I look like I'm not really all that sure. Does that make sense?

I'm always looking at other fat girls and asking my friend...DO I look like her? Am I as big as her? Does my stomach look like that? I was at a concert this last Sunday and I asked that question and my friend told me yes I looked like this one girl in size but my breasts were much larger....She didn't look all that bad, but in my head I tell myself that maybe my friend was just being nice or that I don't look like her.

Also, depending on if I'm eating right or eating foods that aren't low carb, I look in the mirror and see different things.

[Aquamarina]

Wow. I feel sorry for you if your definitions of "correct" appearance are so narrow. Fat women can be attractive, have lots of good sex, be mothers, lovers, wives and successes in the business world.

I'd not trade my wide butt for a narrow mind, ever.

If I transformed my mind into a butt this would have the size of an airport. Sorry dear but if I see another woman here saying I'm fat and I'm very happy with this, let me think that she is fooling me. If she was happy she wouldn't be here. She has a great life as a fat woman but she definetely would be happier if she was thinner. If you want to live in an illusion, go on, I won't stop you.


PS. Please before answering, make sure you have read my opinions from top to bottom and you can understand what I'm saying. As I have seen in other topics you don't seem to understand my words and my way of thinking. It's ok, but please you are doing it all the time! It doesn't mean that if you dissagree with me, I'm wrong!

[Bat Spit]

She has a great life as a fat woman but she definetely would be happier if she was thinner.

Aquamarina, I'm sorry you need to think this. I'm not here because I am unhappy. I have a great marriage, good friends, and a fabulous job.

I'm here because I want to improve my long term health and because the size I am is inconvenient. I am here because my body can't handle a high carb diet, I'm very hypoglycemic. Low carb keeps my blood sugars even and my hormones stable.

Yes, I'm glad that I am losing weight. It will make things easier when I travel. It will give me more choices in purchasing clothes. But these things do not determine my satisfaction with my life.

[Aquamarina]

Bad Spit we are saying the same thing! :)

Now I' am convinced. Not all people can understand the way I think. It's not that you are stupid, it's just that written things aren't enough to give my life perspective.

Most of you get frustrated when I say that a person who is on a diet is unsatisfied with her life. Unsatisfied means that she may has a great husband, friends, family, job but... she wants more. She also wants to be able to wear normal clothes, take a normal seat at the bus, life a long life, etc etc. That's the motive.
I want people to have motives and want more. Not only to impove their health, but to improve their life in general. I won't ever examine the motive, we all just need a push, whatever push it is, to get us started.
The topic here was about not finding a motive to get started. It's true, if you think you have a great image you will never start doing something about your weight. So you must find another motive. The hardest part is to find the motive. If you find it, you are in the correct path! :)

[potatofree]

Oh, I understand what you're getting at well enough. When you presume to speak for ALL women based on your personal perspective on the topic, I take offense.

Yes, I'm fat. I'm on a diet, so it does INDEED mean I want to be healthier and yes, smaller. What you keep hammering on is that a woman can't be happy and attractive unless she conforms to the "correct" way of thinking and body size... and that, I firmly believe, is wrong. If I never lost another ounce, I can still love my body. I know quite a few people who've achieved "correct" body size and HATE themselves. The flaw isn't in the size of the derierre, but in the eye of the beholder.

As for "doing it all the time"... I recall ONE other thread where I took the opposite point of view from you. Respectful disagreement is a learning experience, and defending one's opinions can lead to some healthy self-exploration.

[Aquamarina]

Oh, I understand what you're getting at well enough. When you presume to speak for ALL women based on your personal perspective on the topic, I take offense.
What you keep hammering on is that a woman can't be happy and attractive unless she conforms to the "correct" way of thinking and body size... and that, I firmly believe, is wrong.

Stating my opinion, is just stating my opinion. Even if you are STILL getting wrong my opinion, I've told you this before (at the other topic, yes) you can take it or leave it. Btw, expressions like "I feel sorry for you" do not state a "Respectful disagreement".

Anyway, let's don't make this topic "personal". I wish you a wonderful life. :wave:

[KryssiMc]

I know quite a few people who've achieved "correct" body size and HATE themselves.

Exactly...I have pushed past what would be considered normal into what my friends and co-workers have called the perfect body. You know what? I still get depressed, I still have crappy hair, crooked teeth and wrinkles and I will forever obsess if I get a bloated stomach as my abs are my life. Not too healthy...I'd trade places with someone who was overweight, stable and happy anyday.

[IvannaBFit]

I have no idea what my body looks like!!

That's sounds funny, but I have a very distorted perception of myself. I know I'm fat, but just how big or what I look like I'm not really all that sure. Does that make sense?


It totally makes sense. Over the years, I've become so pre-occupied with "dieting" and my body, that I've developed a distorted image... I simultaneously think I'm thinner... and fatter... than I really am. Thankfully, I have also developed an inner strength upon which I rely during those times, and I know that what I look like is insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

But yes, I totally know what you mean. It's like our house. I see it every day, so although I see it, I don't really SEE it. It has a row of small cedar trees in the front. We drove by another house the other day which had a similar set-up with cedar trees. I said to my husband, "wow, that actually looks kind of stupid with those cedar trees" (the prev. owners planted them, not us). But I'd not noticed until I saw them in another person's yard.

[potatofree]

Exactly...I have pushed past what would be considered normal into what my friends and co-workers have called the perfect body. You know what? I still get depressed, I still have crappy hair, crooked teeth and wrinkles and I will forever obsess if I get a bloated stomach as my abs are my life. Not too healthy...I'd trade places with someone who was overweight, stable and happy anyday.

That's what gets me when people make assumptions about how eveyone secretly aspires to some ideal body size, or that unless you get down to the "correct" size, you're in denial about your attractiveness. Thin doesn't equal happy any more than fat means misery. Frankly, my goal weight, if I'm going to be realistic about it, is actually about 170 or so. I feel no need to get down to my high-school weight of 125-135... so does that doom me to a life of unhappiness? According to some people, apparently so. :rolleyes:

Kryssi-- thanks for pointing out the other side.

[gonwtwindo]

Hi...
I am a single woman. I work with LOTS of men. My weight yo-yo's around 10 lbs. up & down or so...but that's another thread!

Here's my 2 cents:

When I am at the low end of my weight range, I get more attention, looks, hugs, sweet comments, etc. than I do when I am on the upper end. I have observed this cycle at least 4 times now. I am not imagining it!

SO to say a man loves his woman "no matter what she looks like" may be true, but lose weight -- and I think chances are very great that he will FEEL a stronger attraction. And that's a GOOD thing, wouldn't you say?

There's actually science to back this up...can't remember now where I saw it, might have even been here, but men were shown 100's of photo's of women, and rated them on attractiveness...the only constant was that those around 22% body fat were found the most attractive. And race, body shape, breast size, etc., did not did not make a statistically significant difference.

[KryssiMc]

Hi...
I am a single woman. I work with LOTS of men. My weight yo-yo's around 10 lbs. up & down or so...but that's another thread!

Here's my 2 cents:

When I am at the low end of my weight range, I get more attention, looks, hugs, sweet comments, etc. than I do when I am on the upper end. I have observed this cycle at least 4 times now. I am not imagining it!

SO to say a man loves his woman "no matter what she looks like" may be true, but lose weight -- and I think chances are very great that he will FEEL a stronger attraction. And that's a GOOD thing, wouldn't you say?

There's actually science to back this up...can't remember now where I saw it, might have even been here, but men were shown 100's of photo's of women, and rated them on attractiveness...the only constant was that those around 22% body fat were found the most attractive. And race, body shape, breast size, etc., did not did not make a statistically significant difference.

Yes, but are they attracted to "YOU"? If you equate physical attraction to something real and long term based on only the physical, I guess so. I base my relationship on him loving ALL of me...my personality, character, values etc...things that last a lot longer than looks.

So no, I don't think the feeling of stronger attraction is good. I want someone who will love me when I'm sick or bloated or pregnant or whatever. I don't want to have to worry that if I gain a few lbs or don't look my best, he will not be attracted to me. Thank God I have found that person...I hope everyone else does too.

Edited To Add: And gonwtwindo, if that's really how you feel, you contribute to setting the women's movement back to the dark ages. In this day and age we are more than just our sizes. You should do this for you and not for the attention of men. I don't think you meant to do it, but you really insulted a whole lot of BBW out there and just women in general with that attitude.

To Tater: No problem...I'm glad to set the record straight.

[IvannaBFit]

There's actually science to back this up...can't remember now where I saw it, might have even been here, but men were shown 100's of photo's of women, and rated them on attractiveness...the only constant was that those around 22% body fat were found the most attractive. And race, body shape, breast size, etc., did not did not make a statistically significant difference.

Oh, I don't doubt this at all (aside from the misuse of the term "science")

But you do realise that the common (pun intended) concept of beauty is heavily influenced by commercial factors and trends?
Read The Beauty Myth by Naomi Klein. It may open your eyes.

I do not doubt that there are biological factors associated with sexual attraction; however, I'm too skeptical to eliminate current societal factors and trends when thinking about whether a "scientific" study is valid, and whether it would influence my weight-loss goals (it isn't, and it won't).

But if that influences some people to take steps to become physically healthier, that's awesome; good for them. I would worry about that person's psychological health a little, because it would seem that the person's self-worth would be associated with a very narrowly defined scope of beauty (which can soon change in a few years, depending on how the "thin" image lasts out in terms of selling power).

But to each her own.

[Judynyc]

WOW!! This is quite an interesting conversation!! I'm going to insert my opinion on this too!! ;)

My experience with my weight and my weight loss has shown me something about perspective. My perspective today is very different than it was 20 years ago when I weighed what I weigh today.

In my 30s as my weight was creeping up....as it climbed into the 170s and 180s, I felt like a huge pig!! I hated myself and my body...I refused to buy clothes in large size stores because I couldn't get myself to walk in the doors!! I was very much in denial about my situation and I could not stop myself from eating and gaining because of the things that I was going through.

I spent many years being morbidly obese....and at one point, I was working with a therapist who was trying to help me accept myself at my high weight because hating myself was creating a vicious cycle. She told me to go out and buy clothes that fit and looked good on my body and not to look at the size. It was very hard to do this but I did it and she was right. I was a size 22-24 at the time and I discovered a sense of acceptance that made it possible for me to move forward...without the acceptance, I was stuck where I was!! "Resistance causes persistence."

Today I am 173.4 lbs and am deleriously happy!! Happy to fit into a pair of size 14 jeans...no longer embarrassed about my rather large butt!! Its my butt and its always gonna be bigger than my waist!! :lol: I like the way I look today.....I have weighed 140(see my gallery pics) and was thin....and was not happy....had tons of attention from men that was meaningless in the long run. I think that getting older and having suffered for so long has taught me things about my perspective. I think I have a much healthier attitude now about my body and how I feel about it. It took alot of suffering to get where I am today but it also took alot of soul searching......

Just my 2 cents worth.... :D

[potatofree]

Judy-- AMEN. I remember feeling horrified when my weight got to 170... I'd feel pretty darn good about that now!

From what I've seen, woman with a few "extra" pounds (by whatever arbitrary standard has been set) with an attitude of self-acceptance and who's generally comfortable in her own skin is infinately more attractive than a "perfect" figure who is either self-absorbed or too worried about getting fat to LIVE life.

I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, but the vast majority of the men I knew when I was a bartender would tell you they'd rather be "with" a bigger girl who is THERE in the moment, than a skinny girl who needs the lights off, blanket at the ready and needs constant reassurance that her butt isn't big... :blush:

[gonwtwindo]

Welll....of course I'd want somebody to love me for all that I am...my personality, values, etc.! My ex husband was totally like that for 13 years, always reassured me that he loved me no matter what my weight. (until his midlife crisis sent him off to buy a houseboat and live at the harbor LOL)

All I am saying is that the physical attraction intensifies when I am thinner (I also observed this the couple of times I lost weight during my marriage.), and I think that is a good thing. I never said that is all there is to a relationship. Nor did I say that was the only reason I want to lose weight.

I apologize if I offended anyone. I was stating my personal observation...just one of the many ways weight loss makes life a better experience.

[KryssiMc]

Gon, you didn't offend anyone, I don't think. I just don't want people to get false impressions that it is always great on the other side of the scale.

One thing I want to throw out there though...do you think you might get more attention because you are more confident when you are thinner? Just food for thought. I think confidence is way sexier than size.

[gonwtwindo]

(Hope this poast doesn't get me banned or anything!!)

KryssiMc, you are so right! Confidence IS sexy! I think it's somewhat a combination of both.

Not to be too graphic or anything, but I've recognized an...hmmm....improvement....in the quality of certain...aspects...when I am thinner, even if I am in a crummy mood.

On the other hand, when I am feeling confident, I smile bigger, respond more positively, etc. which is well received...so it's a combo... :)

[KryssiMc]

:lol: :lol:

That's not gonna get you banned...we're all adults here, LOL.

[ysabella]

I have no clue what to make of this thread.

I'm confident, I do my best to enjoy life, and I get plenty of positive attention. There are times when I am really training, and times when I have too much other stuff happening and that has to slide a little, like on some business trips. I don't spend every hour of every day pining for a thinner self and replotting my Fitday; I go out into the world and do interesting stuff, for heaven's sake.

If that somehow makes you think that I'm delusional and have some kind of too-positive body dysmorphism, you're wrong. I know exactly what I look like; I have recent photos and a DVD that's about a year old. There's a swimsuit photo of me in my profile here.

If somehow you consider it wrong that I don't spend all 100% of my energy trying to get rid of my fat, I don't see why. I think that's a lousy way to live. I try to improve myself constantly, like anybody does, and sure, I'd like to be thinner. But trying to control my fatness isn't the only thing about me that I spend my energy on, and I don't see why it should be. I'm motivated to work on a lot of things about myself, not just my fatness.

I don't understand the sexual attitudes in this thread at all. While I've never been thin, I honestly can't believe that sex is automatically better when you're thin. I think sex is better when you don't hate yourself. And there are certainly plenty of men who sexually prefer fat women; I know several.
My husband never dated a large chick until I won him over, and now he steals my Junonia catalogs to check out the models. Love has a way of changing your standards (and so does sex ;)).

Some people handle being fat better than others do, I suppose. I have my days like anyone else where I'm frustrated and tired of it, but I'm here to say that I have never let my fat keep me from doing something I wanted to do. Never, I never did. And I won't. And part of why I have achieved a lot is that I don't waste my time hating myself.

[KryssiMc]

Love has a way of changing your standards (and so does sex ;)).



I think this is true. Men are force fed from a very young age to believe that the typical size 2 rail thin model is what is sexy and ideal. It takes something or someone to get some of these guys to open their eyes to other possibilities. A lot of them just grow out of it but I know lots of guys who won't even talk to a girl at a club if she is overweight at all. Shallow, isn't it?

I recently ended a friendship over this shortly after I found this forum and got involved with everyone here. I learned sooo much about the other side of the fence and refer to things you all have said in my normal conversations. This man is a personal trainer and very buff...he couldn't get past making comments about overweight people and I got tired of it. I found that I could live without his friendship but not without the support I get from the people here. To continue with that friendship would be to perpetuate those stupid stereotypes that we are trying to get past. I made a choice and I'll never regret it.

Cheers to all of you who love yourselves for what's important. You can fix your weight, you can fix your teeth, you can fix your boobs etc...but ya just can't fix stupid!!!

[Judynyc]

Some people handle being fat better than others do, I suppose. I have my days like anyone else where I'm frustrated and tired of it, but I'm here to say that I have never let my fat keep me from doing something I wanted to do. Never, I never did. And I won't. And part of why I have achieved a lot is that I don't waste my time hating myself

Thanks for your very thoughtful post!!

I am one of those who did not handle being fat well at all. Perhaps it was because I grew up a regular size.....I became obese in my late 30s and fought it every pound of the way. I did hate myself for many years and thought that I'd die an old fat woman. :(

I did try to do things while I was big...it hurt my body/knees to play tennis competitively as if I wasn't obese. I am now going to try to play tennis again hoping that my knees are OK for it. I did learn to like myself for the way that I was but I guess that I really wanted to be as I had been.

I think that its a very individual thing. If you are happy where you are, more power to you!! I was not truly happy....I've worked hard to get where I am today. This is a weight loss support forum afterall.....and while its great to accept yourself as you are, I don't want to feel bad because I wanted to lose the weight and have succeeded. :D

[potatofree]

Judy-- Nobody could possibly begrudge you your success, or even tell you it's somehow wrong to be unhappy being overweight. Somtimes, those of us on the "other" side just resent being constantly told we can't REALLY be happy unless we lose weight.

IMO, though, part of "weight loss support" is helping each other to not hate our bodies whatever size they are. SOme people have a hard time getting rid of weight, are low-carbing for OTHER medical reasons, or, like you, are maintaining after a succesful weight loss and don't need to go lower on the scale.

We all have different journeys under the same roof, so to speak.

[petersn78]

I just wanted to share this with you all since its related to body image....

Wear clothes you feel comfortable in. Don't wear clothes that feel too tight or restrict movement. Don't hold off on buying clothes you like -- do it now! Dress to express yourself, not to impress others. You should feel good in what you wear.


Cut labels out of your clothes. The size on the tags shouldn't dictate your mood for the day!

Stay away from the scale -- as a matter of fact, get rid of it! If your weight needs to be monitored, leave that up to the doctors. How much you weigh should never effect your self-esteem or your sense of who you are.

Before you look in the mirror, think optimistically. When you start your day, decide how you are feeling before going to the mirror. No one looks good with bed-head, and our moods aren't determined by the reflection we see. Start your day with affirmations, relax in a hot shower, think of all the positive ways you will cope, and think of the things you have to be thankful for in your life... only then are you more prepared to face yourself with pride.

Talk to yourself at the mirror. Focus on what you like and remind yourself that it's okay to like and appreciate what you see, no matter what size you are.

Stay away from fashion magazines. Let's fact it, most fashion and women's magazines focus on an ideal of beauty that is just not something anyone in real-life can be. Most models make up less than one percent of the human population when it comes to their size! In addition, each one has a staff of people to make them transform into what the final photo looks like -- designers, make-up artists, camera people and lighting specialists, and photo retouchers (think "airbrush"). Unless you can look through these magazines knowing they are purely fantasy, it's just better to stay away from them. Invest in magazines that contribute to who you are -- News magazine, magazines that relate to positive hobbys and interests (art, music, sports, traveling, home decorating, gardening, etc.) -- they make a magazine for just about everything these days... I even recently saw one just for beany-baby collecting!

Make a "why I like myself" list. Think of all the things about YOU that you like -- are you honest? Creative? Intelligent? Compassionate? Loyal? Kind? Think of all the reason you deserve to love yourself and write them down. Hang the list up next to the mirror as a reminder that these things are what make you truly beautiful.

Take the time to do nice things for your body. One a month get a massage, a manicure, or a facial. Pamper yourself to long hot baths by candlelight. Get together with a friend and give each other pedicures. Buy lotions that feel and smell good and treat yourself to some perfume or body mist. Take naps when you need to, just because you can!

Take risks to challenge yourself. Think of things you normally wouldn't do and try them (you'll find out that the world won't cave in) -- leave the house without makeup, get a wild new haircut (how many years have you had that same hairdo???), spend all day in your pajamas or go out to run an errand in them. The point is, your makeup, hair and clothes do not make you who you are! Prove it!

Go places you'd never go alone. Ever go to a movie by yourself? Or enjoy a cup of coffee at the local cafe and read the paper? How about a fancy resteraunt, dinner for one? These are treasured experiences, time spent with yourself, and that is the first person you need to get to know and love spending time with. Take the risk and try it!

Stay alert to fighting negative self-talk. When that little voice of doom pops up in your mind trying to remind you how horrible you think you are, have a stratedy for turning those negatives to positives. No one is perfect! When you find yourself being self critical immediately stop and pay yourself a compliment!

Stay active. Movement therapy is something that helps improve everyone's sense of being. Take up Yoga or Tai' Chi. Join a Karate class. Take a thirty-minute walk three days a week. Get outside and play volleyball with the kids or go rollerskating in the park with your friends. Take a leisurely bike ride at sunrise. Make angels in the snow and sandcastles at the beach. Be active and enjoy life!

Ask for a hug when you need it. Sometimes there is no better therapy then a hug and a kind word from someone that cares about you, but our loved-ones aren't mind readers! Tell them when you're having a bad day and ask for a hug, a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to listen.

Protect the child in you. Look at children around you now -- would you criticize them for being themselves? Are you focused on the weight of a five-year-old while you watch them play with friends? Wouldn't you protect a child being picked on? Well you don't deserve to be picked on either, and you don't deserve to be picked on by yourself!

Remind yourself that the people who truly love you, love you for YOU, not for what you look like.

Remind yourself that looking healthy is something positive. It means that you are well rested, eating right and nurturing your soul. It means no more than that, and no less than that.

Remember the whole world... We are all different and we're supposed to be that way. It would be an incredibly boring world if we all looked exactly the same. It's a truly special experience to look around and realize that everyone is beautiful, no matter what size, color or gender they are. There is beauty in everyone, and that includes you!

http://dying2breakfree.tripod.com/id23.html

[Judynyc]

IMO, though, part of "weight loss support" is helping each other to not hate our bodies whatever size they are. SOme people have a hard time getting rid of weight, are low-carbing for OTHER medical reasons, or, like you, are maintaining after a succesful weight loss and don't need to go lower on the scale.


I agree with you 100% potatofree......but after reading the post in question, I felt a moral superiority coming from Ysabella.....while I think it is vital to accept yourself wherever you are in your weight, I also think that a healthy angst at attaining one's heart's desire, is not a bad thing. Thats alot different than hating yourself.

By the way, I'm not maintaining yet as I'm still working on getting to my goal. :agree:

[potatofree]

Well, Judy, I'll have to respectfully disagree on the "moral superiority" part. I know posts are always subject to interpretation, but all I know is I really feel a kinship when I read it. For me, it's not about feeling better than someone.

From my perspective, it's the same as women I know who put off LIVING life until they meet the right man. They won't even buy a new car, take a new job, take a real vacation.... because they're waiting for a man to share it with. I'm sure we all know some of those girls. Putting life off "until I'm thin" would be an equal waste of time, IMO.

Learning to love my body for what it is... lumpy buttcheeks and all, doesn't mean I've stopped trying to IMPROVE it, but it's just a lot less stressful than trading precious minutes of my life for the empty feeling of hating it.

Some people have to hate their fat and wage war on it. That's fine for them. I won't say they're wrong, if they don't say I can't be happy the way *I* am. :D

[ButterflyA]

Can I jump in? (I know, I’m jumping in it right in the middle :D). As someone who was never fat until like 2, 2.5 years ago, it’s been HARD on me. I let it keep me from doing things- I get too intimidated to go places, do stuff. I’ve overcompensated by being “the fat funny girl” who everyone wants to know, but that’s the shell. The “inner me” is sensitive and cries over the fact that I let myself gain 155 pounds in just over two years. I beat myself up daily over it (or did, before I started this WOL)- in short, I don’t take it well.
I used to be friends with a girl who was larger than me (at least 300 and about 5’10, where at the time I was about 200 and 5’4) and she loved herself big the way she was. She was an inspiration to me, but I still couldn’t accept that maybe I could be “worthy” and still be fat. Sad, eh? To some extent, I understand the “love yourself the way you are”, but I know for me, I would get complacent with my unhealthiness if I did that. I NEED the little voice (not quite so mean as it is now though :D ) telling me to stop stuffing my face and exercise, or else I never would. Does that make sense?
I love myself the way I am, but the SOUL of me, the CORE person, not this body I let myself use and abuse. My soul, who I am as a person, all of that, I LOVE. I am one of the coolest people I know (cocky, yeah, but oh well ;) ), but I don’t love my outside. I can’t. It isn’t ME, know what I mean?

Sorry if none of that makes sense, but the thread made me evaluate a lot of the things I think about myself.

[MsTwacky]

This thread has so much truth to it.

I'm one of those people that doesn't function as a result of my weight.

I'm very well aware of that fact. Perhaps it is because I myself have a preconceived notion of fat people.

I have been both fat and average size and inbetween.

When I'm at 170, although not thin by societieties standards, I feel a lot more comfortable and appreciate the attention of no longer being invisible.

I do wage war on fat, and guess what? It doesn't work, I sabotage myself all the time.

I envy the few heavier women that I know that look to me beautiful and put together!

I can't seem to fathom how everyone in the world can find love but me!!

But I know it has a lot to do with my own self love, confidence and acceptance. I don't flirt for fear of rejection. I don't even believe that anyone would look at me or talk to me if they didn't have to for whatever reason.

I love the positive outlook that has been stated here.

I'm not one of those "in the moment" fat girls. I'm one of those "I hate my body and how could you not hate and be disgusted with it too" kinda girls.

[potatofree]

I used to BE in that place, so I do understand how it feels. I just got tired of waiting and struggling and hating... I was wasting time. Life's really too short.

It's what Dr Phil ( I can hear some of you cringe at THAT...lol ) calls "Confusing body image with SELF image". If you make your worth as a person hinge on the number on the scale, you'll never be content. Learning to see the size and shape of your thighs as TOTALLY separate from your value as a human being is hard work, but it can be done. It wasn't until I found my way to that place that I could really feel at HOME in my body and turn the focus on becoming stronger and healthier, no matter WHAT the scale says.

If you really hate your body and hinge your worth on the size of it, do you really think you won't find something about it to be unhappy with at goal? I know people whp get all the way down to goal and STILL see fat when they look in the mirror... or fixate on their stretch marks, or loose skin, or... you get the picture.

Self-acceptance doesn't mean complacency, it just means freedom.

[Judynyc]

Here are a few thoughts of mine:

We are each at our own individual place in our personal growth. We each have our own struggles in our lives. We are not all at the same place in this process.

when I first gained all of my weight, I did hate myself...I had lessons to learn and those lessons took me many years to learn. But in the end, I did learn them eventhough I was kicking and screaming (figuratively not literally) ;) the whole time. As long as I resisted, my problem persisted.

When I finally accepted myself I was able to move forward...but it did not happen overnight. It happened very slowly....I spent years in therapy dealing with my issues.

What happened to me this time is that I think I was deeply ready to make this permanent...I was ready to change...I got that its not about a diet!! I also have learned to manage my internal dialog. Left to its own devices, my mind would have me eating whatever it wanted. it'd have me believing all the rotten things my mom used to say to me, stuff that I believed for a very long time. I have drowned out the chatter with thoughts that I can do this...I am worth it!! Its been a battle and I think I've won...for now anyway.

I am not judging anyone for wherever they are on their journey. Again, we each have our own paths to walk and lessons to learn.

[ysabella]

Self-acceptance doesn't mean complacency

That's it exactly, taterfree. I couldn't have put that better. :clap:

And my other point, that I hopefully got across, was that you can be fat, have an accurate body image (know exactly what you look like), and have a good self-image. And still be motivated.

judynyc, if I came off as smug to you, oh well; it's not what I was trying for. I suppose it's in some people's natures to be fired up into taking action only by angst or negative feelings; I don't function that way. The fact that I'm not angsty or upset doesn't mean that I'm not motivated.

[Judynyc]

The fact that I'm not angsty or upset doesn't mean that I'm not motivated.


Ysabella,
What makes you think that I think you aren't motivated? I never said anything about your motivation level!!

I was speaking for myself when I said "healthy angst".

I suppose it's in some people's natures to be fired up into taking action only by angst or negative feelings;
When you make a statement like this one, you are implying that your way is the right way to be motivated and that any other means of motivation is somehow wrong and not as good as yours.

This is being judgemental. :(

I wish you the very best on your journey. :agree:

[ysabella]

Judynyc, I was only explaining that I see what you're saying, but my own self operates differently. I don't see the implication that my way is superior, and I wasn't thinking it.
But trying to explain myself seems to only irritate you, so I'll stop.

ButterflyA and MsTwacky, I'm starting to think that we all have some point beyond which we have trouble with self-acceptance. I know I'm a kind of counterexample in this thread, but if my weight got up higher, I might hit a point where it really affects my confidence. And maybe this point is different for each of us.
Still, sometimes people get to be like what potatofree said - always putting off this moving goal post of self-acceptance. Being thinner probably makes it easier to accept ourselves in this society, but self-acceptance may not arrive by itself.

By the way, I wanted to mention: when I was around 19 I spent two semesters in figure drawing class, drawing nude models. That made quite an impression on me, because I drew women of all ages and shapes and sizes, from aerobicized 20-somethings to much older ladies to a woman who weighed around 350 (she mentioned her weight). It gave me a good grounding in the human body, which makes it easier for me to tell if a model who is wearing 'petite' clothing is actually six feet tall, and to detect when an image in an ad or something has been distorted (airbrushed, stretched, etc.). I think it helped give me an immunity, or something, to thinking I should look like these images, because I know what people look like.
Incidentally, I mentioned that the women were all sizes - the men were all the same, except in age. They were all fairly ideal, slim, muscular men, ranging from their 30s to over 70. The modeling agency really had trouble getting any men who were not fairly ideal to be models (my boyfriend found out when he called to inquire about being a model - he was a big guy, and they said "Please! We'd be delighted!").
I've always found that interesting.