I am just SO angry!

[mama22boys]

I am just going to type. This may not be rational or right, but it is how I am feeling.
I am angry that weight is such an issue with me.
I am angry that although I am a pretty person that I think I am ugly and disgusting.
I am angry that although I am kind, intelligent, funny, interesting person none of that matters as soon as I think about my weight. It makes me feel unworthy and insignificant.
I am angry that although I have grown, birthed, nourished and nurtured 2 beautiful children that I value my body so little.
I am angry that as a young, overweight child that my parents didn't do more to help me make better health choices.
I am angry that as a teenage girl, after a fight with my mom where a comment about my weight came out, my mom comes up later to 'console' me and when I said, "My friend's moms don't say they are fat." and in response my mom says, "Well honey, your friends aren't fat..."
I am angry that as an adult my mom reflects to me that she remembers looking at me when I was young, basically in disgust (can't remember her exact words) because of my weight. This was in a discussion we were having about why my siblings might have self-image issues. She said she could understand why I might have issue... based on what I just previously wrote here.
I am angry that such a messed up relationship with food has grown in me. I am coming to realize that living a strict LC diet is just another way that I restrict and punish myself for being fat. That is what my relationship is like with food. I hate that I need it, I hate what it has done to me through my own choices and of course the physical need for it. (Please note that I do not diss the LC WOE at all, just the way that I have grown in to it). I do these 'diets'...the not eating thing in high school, the low fat thing in college, got fatter with pregnancy and young children, and am now doing the LC thing to further 'punish' myself. If I am strict with it, I am in control. If I am more lieniet (sp?), I don't really feel like I am doing anything. If I cheat, I feel guilt, weak, insecure, like a failure, out of control.
I feel angry that my dh doesn't say more things to me that are encouraging and help me see my true beauty. It is not that he is a jerk, just not very intuitive, nurturing, ya know.
I am angry that I am angry that dh doesn't do/say more. Why should I depend on someone else to be my esteem for me?!?!?
I have high hopes for myself. I really thinks that God has great plans for my life, but this is such a HUGE obstacle. This whole thing just kills my confidence. It is like I can look in the mirror and say to myself, "You have a beautiful soul and the reason you are here and what you do is important. The way you look pales in comparison to what you do and who you are." But I feel like such an imposter...like that little girl who felt worthless and insecure trying to convince herself of some great story.
I have been having a rough last couple of weeks. We have moved to a new town because of my dh's job and I haven't really met any new friends yet. I am feeling pretty burnt out as a mother and wife and that just adds to my frustrations, angers and insecurities. Thanks for taking the time to listen to this wounded spirit.

[panda girl]

wow, I feel as if I could have written most of that myself. I completly sympathize over feeling worthless becasue of how I look. Even that I have friends, family and a most wonderful boyfriend who love me dearly I feel as if I am nothing unless Im thin.

I wish I could learn to love myself and have a normal relationship with food too. One day at a time I guess.

[karrier]

You are.... what you are. Nothing more, nothing less. But what you are is a wonderfully created human being.
We can all get hung up on "the look" of thin but we need to remember that when we are thinner we are still the same inside. If you want to change the you inside there are many good books to help you discover the "beauty within" The best I've read lately is Dr Phil's diet book (I can't remember what it is called) It can really help you look past the outside and realize that the inside is much more important.

When the inside gets better it is easier .... yes I said easier to stick to your program and keep going.

karrier

[KryssiMc]

I can't change the way you feel about yourself...we can only do that for ourselves. I can only give you this...

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

...in the hopes that someday you will be able to come to terms with your anger and be healed and whole again.

[mhamil]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
I have felt the same way.
I don't have all the answers for you, but I do know this:
Every day that you love and discipline yourself with this way of life, it is not a punishment. Think about your children. You love them way too much to let them hurt themselves with bad choices. You have to love their mother that much too. If you make a bad decision about food, don't let that affect how you feel about who you are. You love your friends after they make a bad decision, don't you? Then love yourself too. Just start again.
Let's put it this way: The average person who tried to stop smoking doesn't just lay it down and walk away. No, they try the patch, the gum, hypnosis, cold turkey, whatever, maybe for years, right? But at the end of the day, when they succeed they are a non smoker.
It's the same for us and the weight. We've tried all the diets, the low fat, the crash diet, the grapefruit diet and whatever. But now we will succeed and we will be healthy because this plan works. We can do this!

[gwuinifer]

I am just going to type. This may not be rational or right, but it is how I am feeling.
[snip]Thanks for taking the time to listen to this wounded spirit.

I wish I could have a good cry with you, share some dark chocolate, and smother you in hugs. I COMPLETELY RELATE WITH YOU.

Check out the link in my sig. Its relevant to where we are emotionally.
:there:

[Pollyanna]

I am so sorry for your pain. i wish there was something I could say to ease it. I doubt there is. You sound like a wonderful person who has had some rough times. isn't it amazing how things said to us as children have such an effect on us as adults - but they do.
It must be hard for you in a new place and no friends there YET. I am sure that will change. Perhaps we can all be your friends and help you realize your self worth. You are a wife, mother, daughter, friend, but most importantly, you are you. No matter your size, hair colour, nationality, it is your spirit and your soul that determine self worth. You need nurturing and love and I am sending some your way. There will be better days ahead. Marlene

[OzarkMama]

I applaud your being able to share that with others. I think most of us have felt some or even all of those things.

OM

[mama22boys]

Thank you everyone. I felt better after having written what I did, you know, just organizing all those thoughts flying around. It is also comforting to know there are others who are willing to offer support and encouragement so freely.

Gwuinifer-thank you for the link. I took a quick peek at it and it seems like there are a lot of things that will be insightful for me, for example, the reasons why being fat can be a 'useful', 'positive', thing for a woman if she is subconsciously trying to be unattractive. Umm...that could be me...

Thanks again everyone. I always seem to have that way of thinking festering in me and sometimes it comes to a head. Every time it does I make a little more progress in understanding myself, my past, and what I see for myself in the future. Thanks for helping me along in that.