How do you tell a loved one?

[schelle]

Any suggestions? I thought that my husband would attempt to diet with me. he is at minimum 80 lbs over weight. When I was prego. he said he was attempting the atkins diet. but i don't think it lasted 3 dys. he seems fine with his large belly-but NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE-I don't like it! many of you have seen my pics of my belly-and i am working HARD CORE at fixing it. but he has not once supported this diet or even thought about joining in! he just says all the time like it is a fact of life-that he is going to die of a heart attack, have diabetes soon, and acts like his belly is enjoyable. He says you can't work out either till you loose wieght because you build the muscles underneath and just make yourself bigger..blah blah....and he tried the "gym" i bought (as i said i am determined to lose my belly!) the day it came becuae he thought it was a joke and just sooo easy, but he quickly saw it wasn't and was holding his arm muscles laughing. He thinks becuase he "walks" ALL day at work (he says over 3 miles a day) then that is good enough, he also said he was going to wait till he got a bike-guess what "santa" got him! he has rode it maybe 10 times as play while my 4 yr. rides hers. he told our friend he rode 2-3 miles "one night" and she laughed-she's doin' the 30 mile ride in austin soon! Anyway I watched hime eat 6 peices of pizza last night while i ate my salad, and i am SURE everyone thinks I am SELFISH but I would be so happy if he lost some weight. What should I do-or do y'all just want to SMACK me? :help:

[Alicatspjz]

Hi Schelle,

I sympathize. My hubby has a beer gut. He's like a bowling ball on a stick some days, as his beer gut waxes and wanes. Other than that he's in very good shape. He climbs up and down ladders all day, lifts heaving things all day.. he's stronger than anyone I know and wiry....but that gut. It bugs him too, but he won't give up his beer. He knows he will have to exercise to get rid of it or stop/reduce his beer intake. Well, he also really loves food. He's a great cook but he has to have a "square" meal that includes carbs. Anyway, he has been laughing at this diet since I started. I told him I've lost 13 pounds and he was happy for me and he didn't tease me last night about the diet at all.

I have a treadmill at home and he has gotten on it a few times, but never to work out. He knows it works and I think is really taking his sweet time just accepting that he will have to use it some day. Frankly, what your hubby said about muscle and fat is total bull, and tell him that. The best way he is going to lose the fat is if he builds muscle to burn more calories and gets on a regular exercise program. I'd love to tell my hubby what he could do or should do, but he's stubborn. He was always a skinny, wiry kid/teen/adult until a couple years ago and he doesn't want to work at it now, I guess. I KNOW that when I start having dramatic results with my weight loss and body reshaping/weight training he will feel inspired to do something for himself. He did jokingly tell me once that when I weighed less than him he'd start working out. Well, I don't know how much he weighs, but I am going to hold him to his 'joke.'

Schelle, all you can do is do what's best for yourself and hope he wants to reap the benefits of the same lifestyle. I find cooking extra Atkins food that my kids and hubby are eating more low carb than they realize, but I haven't yet told them what they shouldn't be eating. Having tons of veggies and choice meats and fish and poultry in the fridge are making it easier for my husband to cook healthy meals for himself too. Just tell your hubby you love him but let him SEE how great you feel and how great you are looking.

Keep at it girl!

[Jiggerz]

I think 'lead by example' is about all you can really do, that and if you can purge the house of the junk in the cupboards.

No offense...but I noticed that if it were a man posting that about his wife or girlfriend, there would have been hell to pay in no time flat by a slew of tempered members.

[schelle]

I know it were the opposite I would have been flooded. and I hate that vanity/physical apperances are a fact of life-but the fact of the matter is regardless how i feel emotionally about him it real does impact a/our relationship physically! I shove my selfish emotion of vanity aside but our body "shapes" make MANY things difficult. I won't get into details-but let me just say man it sucks sometimes when a belly hits you before a pair of lips! for a kiss!
PS: and my hubby and i only social drink now, he gets real flush in the face and i/we just don't feel like it much any more. and yes we both like "square" meals but it does "snack" alot-he has a prob. of waking up ~ 2-3 am getting "junk to eat" and the next morning not remebering most of it. But he has gotten pissed if I don't by "crap"/junk food for them to eat! AGGGGGGHHHHH! I DO know that when I look "HOT" as he says he worries about me leaving, etc, maybe when he sees some dramatic results he will change his attitude...or maybe i should just do like him and start talking about Hot guys i see and moan noise when hot guys are on tv, etc! :lol: :lol:
:D He's not a Jack**s about everything but he knows he can be at times! ;)

[Alicatspjz]

Schelle, my hubby joked about the same thing..that I am losing weight and going to leave him. Maybe it is an insecure fear most men (and women I suppose) have. Well, I told my husband, I'd leave you tomorrow regardless of my weight if I wanted to. I stay because I love you, not because I am fat or thin.

[nets33]

You can't make you hubby lose weight unless he wants to. It's just like trying to tell someone they are an alcoholic and they need to join AA.

What you can do is cook good healthy meals at home that he will enjoy and he'll be eating well without knowing it!

Good luck :)

[mammac-5]

My husband, too. He is so wonderful...that's why I'd like to keep him around for as long as possible. But he just refuses to eat anything that might be good for him; he's always been that way. His mommy used to get up from the dinner table and make him something different to eat if he didn't like what was being served when he was a kid. Hence, his picky-ness.

But I remember back when I used to smoke; he has never smoked. After I decided to quit (and was successful) I asked him once why he never bugged me about my smoking. He just said that it had to be my decision or it wouldn't work. So I reckon that's true for his weight, health and exercise.

[schelle]

Thanks guys!

[MoNoCarb]

Hi Schelle

The one thing I noticed about your post is that you said he seems resigned to being a diabetic or having a heart attack. Gosh - that is kind of serious, though, isn't it? Even beyond the physical attractiveness issue.

My fiance's dad died of a smoking related heart attack with he was 37. My fiance smoked (until 3 months ago). He used to say - don't marry me, babe, I'll only leave you a widow with little kids like my dad did. And I tell you what -I really thought about NOT marrying him because of that defeatist, pessimistic attitude.

Giving up on life and, by extension, your old age together is NOT OK. Now, I haven't been married yet, so you guys are the experts, but I think it would be fair to tell him (maybe once you've lead by example) - I don't want to spend my 80s by myself, darling. NOW GET ON THAT BIKE!

[snucks]

Monocarb is right! I just read through all the posts and until I hit hers I thought everyone was just talking about vanity like it was the only issue! My Mother In-Law is a handful with her health and it's all because of her weight issues. I've seen her husband and two sons try to pull more and more duties so that she doesn't have to because of her numerous surgeries and other issues. I just cringe whenever she mentions her poor health when all of it could be improved or aleviated with just some weight loss. It also breaks my heart when her son who weighs #160 asks me if he should loose weight because he doesn't want to burden me in the future. I was so much larger then him I think this really made me stop and think about my weight gain. Talk to your husband and tell him that it is not O.K. for you to take care of him if he chooses to be uncaring about his health and has major health issues related in the future. If you have kids ask him if he thinks it's O.K. for them to tend to him health wise and miss out on their futures becaus he doesn't want it change. I don't want to sound harsh by any means but I took responsibility for my weight and eating habits and it was empowering! I see every day how being heavy for long periods can effect your health with my MIL and it goes way beyond vanity. Also, I would be saying the same about a woman, there is no difference in health effects if someone doesn't care about themselves.

[3shewolf8]

I can relate to this so much. My husband weighs 405 pounds. He can't walk more than a block without getting leg cramps or worse. He breathes so heavy when he is doing anything except sitting that it scares me sometimes, he is on 5 different prescriptions, and I have begged him to loose weight, I have told him that I want him around to see our grandchildren, but he says that he is cutting down on his food. Yes, he doesn't eat as much as he used to, but he still eats junk. McDonalds, pizza, candy, ice cream, real sugar filled pop, you name it chips, doritos, all kinds of fat filled foods, he doesn't eat ANY veges at all or even fruit. His mom never made him eat it when he was younger, so now he won't even give it a try. I am starting to find myself not only thinking that his belly is icky, but it is starting to make me turn away from him during our "personal time " What can I say??? I do care about him very much, but he has gained 150 pounds since we got married, and I am having a hard time with the physical attraction thing. Maybe I have a bigger problem than Schelle. He says that he is the healthiest fat person around because he has to have blood work done every 6 months to get his meds refilled and all of his blood work comes back normal. But, what he doesn't get is it is the meds keeping it that way, not him. The doctor actually talked to me and said that I needed to get his weight under control or he was going to have some really serious problems when he gets old or even if he does get old. How the heck is that my job?? I can't tie a chain to him and make him stop eating the junk, he has to want it for himself, that's what I did!!

[ProfGumby]

Schelle,

Has he ever called you a diet "snob" after you have been talking to someone about your weight loss and excersise regimen? Has he ever offered you cookies or junk food, knowing full well you won't eat it? It has happened to me with my wife.....

Your post sounds like our spouses could be related. And I have learned a long time ago, mostly from my old attitude, you cannot force someone to do anything. The phrase goes, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still"

You must lead by example, and never make him feel like you are pressuring him.

Sadly, it may take a big time, life and death health issue to persuade him to change.

Hopefully he will see how well your efforts have paid off, and the compliments of friends and relatives will sink in and he will begin to consider his own possible health issues. Or maybe you could have his doctor have a chat with him about the real issues he may be facing?

I live that daily. As I sit here now, sipping my diet pop (tonights treat) my spouse is on the couch nibbling on cheetos. She also eats a lot like your spouse, and has no real health or excersise regimen.

You just have to either accept them where they are at, and in time they may follow suit.

I wish you the best.

[mio1996]

Honestly I can't even imagine weight being an issue in a realtionship--it never crosses my mind. I mean, I like being thin myself but could care less about anyone else, appearance wise. Health issues are another matter, though, that you are more than entitled to worry about.

Maybe if it is such an issue--there are other problems? Or maybe there are just shallow people and non-shallow people...

Also if he works a job like you said, lc alone would probably be wonderful--he does get lots of exercise. I lost all of my weight without special exercise. For me, working my 12 hour day is plenty, IMO.

[Enomarb]

It sounds like there are 2 issues here- health and appearance. I think the health issues are HUGE (pardon the pun)- not because of the data but because of the attitudes of the guys involved! If someone told me not to marry him because he would die and leave me with little kids I'd say okay- either you do somethink different or I'll listen to you and run to the nearest exit! You can't change anyone else- it's hard enough to change yourself (LOL!)- but you are in charge of you. If my DH told me he was going to die of a heart attack or get diabetes soon I'd tell him I wanted lots of life insurance NOW and make sure my health insurance was paid up. If that meatn no cable tv, or no second car- no matter. I do know what I'm talking about- both my dad and dH dad died young from heart disease, and thank god they had insurance. My DH works out, sees his doctor and watches his weight, but we still know things can happen.
Instead of trying to scare/change them, take care of yourselves and make sure that you and your family will be okay if bad things happen. That part can be under your control. And tell them that since they are planning on dying young you need to make plans on how to be okay without them.

[UpTheHill]

And tell them that since they are planning on dying young you need to make plans on how to be okay without them.

That really IS an important conversation to have.

My husband and I openly discuss our long term life goals, including our "family longevity plan". Weight management is a part of that, since I've had a history of being overweight and he's had problems in the past with getting ill and being unable to maintain a healthy weight. Exercise, for health, but also for mobility and functionality are a part of it. Proper insurance coverage is part of it. Wearing seat belts is included, as is wearing proper safety gear when using chain saws, and wearing hearing protection and safety glasses when they should be used. We both agree that we each have a personal responsibility to have a family longevity plan and to do the things that need to be done.

Pat & I are both are much more conscious of the choices we make every single day (and more committed to them) when we frequently talk about exaclty how we'd like to live in our 60's, 80's and hopefully 100's.

Lynda

[diemde]

Instead of trying to scare/change them, take care of yourselves and make sure that you and your family will be okay if bad things happen. That part can be under your control. And tell them that since they are planning on dying young you need to make plans on how to be okay without them.
This is a good point. I wonder if you truly treated this as a serious health issue and prepared yourself for his demise, if it would be a wake up call for him. At this point, it's probably just seen as nagging when you menition it.

I've learned first hand that you can't change other people to lose weight. You can fix the best lc meals possible and support them if they try, but it really does have to be their choice.

[Samantha22]

Schelle...you make complete sense...dont worry. You have a right to your opinion...and just because he is your husband doesn't mean that you have to find his beer belly attractive. I also occaisonally get the comments from my bf..."now you're losing all this weight and you're gonna go and leave me"....quite frankly...if someone didn't want to date me at 300 pounds....i wont give them the time of day just because i'm a hundred pounds less....it must be an insecurity thing on the mans part....all i can say is goodluck...and hopefully you're success will motivate him to want to improve his health....and to stop making excuses for himself about working out. I can see why you get so stressed and fed up some days.....i'll keep my fingers crossed for you...goodluck...and keep your head up!