How do you guys break the binge/purge cycle?

[Bakerchic]

Hi, I've never posted, so let me tell you a bit about myself. Well, I'm an 18 year old female that works in a bakery (making lo-carb tough). I was anorexic for a while, and was at a trim 120-125??, then I ballooned to 184 after becoming a compulsive eater. I discovered anorexia again and then got down to 140, which I wore well considering I'm only 5 "5, much of it was muscle as I worked out allot. Then after a horrible relationship that left me heartbroken and shot my self esteem down the tube, I became bulimic. I'm the worst of the worst... I spent over three hundred dollars on binge food in the span of about two to three months (this is carb food, so you know it had to be allot of food). I binge and purge almost everyday. My weight is almost at 170, and i'm terrified. I watch skinny girls walk by me with their twiggy bodies, and I think, I can never be like them. I try so hard to break the cycle, and I've had success that put me in the 150 range. But as soon as I eat over maybe a couple hundred calories, I assume that 'all or nothing' thinking and I'm killing a box of oatmeal cream pies. I'm in the binge cycle right now, and I cannot believe that i'll ever be thin again. For some reason I have it in my head that I can't do this. How do you break this negative thinking, how did you? I hate being bulimic, but i feel like I can't stop it. :help:

[LiveWell]

:( I feel for you. Although I have never had an eating disorder persay (except eating everything in sight...just not getting rid of it after) I do understand food obsession.

I can't offer advice because Ive never been there or had any experience with it but I just wanted to show a sign of support for your efforts to get some kind of help.

Maybe talking to a proffesional may be best in dealing with the issues. From what I hear its not all about food but about self esteem and self worth. Its very dangerous to live like this and Im sorry to hear that you have this to deal with. You can be a strong person, you just need a little help getting to that point. Have you talked to your parents about any of it? It may be a good place to start.

[misskimbee]

Hey bakerchic, I'm sorry to hear your struggling right now, that's incredibly hard to get out of. I too was anorexic and got down to 98, then abused laxatives when I got to 126 but then BOOM! I became a compulsive eater and got up to 200.

It is not easy constantly battling with a relationship of food. The only thing I can tell you that I now realize made it hard for me was PATIENCE. I wanted to lose weight NOW, I wanted the scale to drop a number NOW, i wanted to get rid of the food in my stomach NOW and so on.

All i can say is that you'll need to try to be patient with this WOE and if you, I guarantee you that you'll gain a better sense of control over the food and self-control over your choices.

Before Atkins (started in Feb) I had been fighting with food for 10 years, being completely pre occupied with it. 90% of my thoughts a day obsessed over when I could eat next, how much I could eat, what it would taste like, etc etc.

Now I can say that 50% of the time I think of food and image and I now know that I'm NOT going to panic if food isn't nearby. My blood sugar doesn't crash any more and I am no longer bitchy when I want to eat, etc.

I believe in your desire to get hold of the reigns, If you ever wanna talk, visit my journal. As long as you know you aren't alone/

It's just gonna take some time and patience, but I swear I've not been happier since this WOE.

[Bakerchic]

It's nice to see your guys' progress. I'm too busy for counseling now, as I'm working everyday (literally, my boss has me on the schedule six days out of the week and i go to school for seven hours everyday, when I get home, I sleep. I think this is another purge factor). But I'm working on learning to say no to people. One lady I read about ended her compulsive eating after she learned to say no to people. I think once i learn I have a mind of my own, I'll feel better in control. As for an update, I didn't purge yesterday. I ate a ton of veggies, lo-carb, and some fish and eggs. When I logged it into fitday, it was still under 1200 calories and 20 carbs, which really surprised me cause I felt satisfied, satisfied enough, I felt like I had to throw up, but didn't because I felt the calorie count of my foods wasn't worth it. Not the best step in the right direction, but with a little more work, maybe. BTW, you have a very pretty avatar misskimbee, it's sad even as beautiful as some girls are they still have a distorted body image. And thanks for feeling for me Livewell. Good luck on your guys' journeys to health and wellness!

[misskimbee]

Good luck to YOU!!! I know you'll only get better and better. Take it easy, make each day count :)

[lilli]

hi baker,
i've been there! And what an awful place is it...You can get out of it, definitely! It's just hard. First, get rid of all the junkfood and don't buy more; just force yourself not to. Then eat only healthy stuff, even if you have to binge, and try not to purge. It's hard at first, but becomes easier. Just take it 1 meal at a time. Keep in mind that being bulimic won't make you really skinny, it will mess up your mental state and metabolism. Stop it sooner rather than later, and use whatever power you have to stop.

[ssofian]

Bakerchic-

good for you for not purging the other day. Just take it one day at a time. Heck, take it one MEAL at a time. Then it won't look like something that is so hard to do. Just try to think "I need to keep this meal down". I know its not quite as simple as that, but you started yourself on the road to recovery by coming here and posting. That took alot of courage.

Good luck.

[Bakerchic]

I binged today, but was determined not to purge, and strangely enough I didn't binge so bad. I mean it was bad stuff, but probably a normal serving size as if I was just eating bad as opposed to binging. I mean eating bad food choices is really different from binging. And if anyone has been in the binge cycle, they'll know what I mean. A full-sheet birthday cake is different from two ho-hos. I just feel so lost. But I want to post another thread related to this I think. Oh, and getting rid of junk food is out of the question. I live with my sister and her son, and junk food to him is a necessity. Though I feel guilty about eating it, so I usually buy my binge food which is something I can control.

BTW, thanks for the positive reinforcement, I needed some good psychology.

[misskimbee]

I would recommend starting a journal for this :)

[Glamourous]

I know exactly what you're going through baker chic. I live with a roommate and I NEVER have any junkfood of my own. Sometimes when she was not here, I would binge on her stuff...an entire jar of peanut butter and slim fast bars. Do you know how hard it is to throw up peanut butter (sorry for the gross image) not to mention how much money I spent replacing all of it. Low carb has helped a lot. First of all the thought of throwing up chicken or eggs is so much more unpleasant then thought of throwing up peanut butter. I still binge but I feel like I'm starting to get it under control. A week ago I binged on an entire bag of pepperoni (i know...weird) but you don't get the same feeling you get when you binge on high carby stuff.

Binging/purging is such a strange thing. People who don't have it really just don't understand it. It's more like a control thing isn't it? Like okay I ate all this food, i'll show it. Sometimes I feel powerful when I do it, as if I have this great power that no one else has. The scary thing for me is that I'm not sure I want to get rid of it completely. I'm a smart girl, I know what it does to you...but I like the idea that I can eat something and then undo it. Do you understand what I mean?

[ddaniels]

One of the best self-help resources I've seen for helping people deal with Bulimia is a book called The Overcoming Bulimia Workbook published by New Harbinger Press. I know you can find it on Amazon.com. It's a great book that is encouraging and will give you clear manageable steps, with lots of worksheet type pages to help you understand yourself better and create a sense of structure for how to live in a healthier way. I think low-carb is a great WOE for bulimia (if you do it in a balanced and healthy way) because increasing protien and fats helps considerably with managing hunger, so there is less urge to binge. Also, NOT SKIPPING MEALS and making sure each meal has adequate protein is one of the very best things a person can do to help decrease binging and the subsequent urge to purge. Good luck and check out that book on Amazon. I think you'll find it helpful!

[patricia1]

Bulimia, Anorexia and compulsive overeating are all the same disease, just different stages of it. It is not so uncommon to find people go from one stage to the next (i.e. compulsive overeating to anorexia and then to bulimia).

Check out this site: www.oa.org (http://www.oa.org) It is based on emotional, physical and mental recovery as oppose to everything else out there. But you should nonetheless be very proud of yourself for having made the decision to go lowcarb, because that is half the battle right there. Low carb eating will help alleviate your cravings and if you combine this food plan (because it is afterall only a food plan) with emotional and spiritual healing you are set for life!

Keep me posted I would love to hear about your recoveries and your struggles. Feel free to visit my journal at any time and I also reccomend that you start a journal of your own so we can help you on a more personal basis.

~Patricia

[LiveWell]

I still binge but I feel like I'm starting to get it under control. A week ago I binged on an entire bag of pepperoni (i know...weird) but you don't get the same feeling you get when you binge on high carby stuff.



Hmm.. I dont call that binging..But then again I am a 300lb lady. I just call it a "little too much" lol. Im not poking fun...just kinda made me see how sad I am sometimes.

[Teally]

Hi Bakerchick!
I just wanted to say that WE place the value on the super twiggy looking chicks. It does not show what women are really born to look like- we're women, we have curves and distinctive beautifull features and I know a lot of men who are repulsed at the standard these days- and like womenly women.... just a thought,
good luck to you-Teally

[Bakerchic]

Misskimbee, I think I will start a journal for this. I had one on a semi pro-ana site that I still sometimes write in. But maybe it would be a good idea to start one here.

Glamorous, I know exactly what you mean about the peanut butter, it's one of the things I binge on when I'm low-carbing and it is deffinitely in the no-no category. It's funny you mentioned the slim-fast weightloss bars. I ate a whole box of my sisters L.A. weightloss bars, and they tasted like shit if you know what I mean.

Thanks ddaniels for the recommendation. I'll look into it, but trying to get the book without anyone in the house noticing might be a problem.

Patricia1, thanks for the support. I'll try to keep posted. I want to be a success story not another number on an already growing statistic.

As for today, my throat hurts so bad I can't purge. At first I thought it was because I scratched it so bad, but now I think it's a cold. So I'm not purging regardless. And I ate semi-well today, atleast with a conscience.

[Bakerchic]

Hi Bakerchick!
I just wanted to say that WE place the value on the super twiggy looking chicks. It does not show what women are really born to look like- we're women, we have curves and distinctive beautifull features

Yuck, I know I can't stand it. Even when I weigh a 125 pounds, I'm still not as twiggy as those girls that bone up the pages of cosmo and Vogue. Doesn't that make you sick when the leading women magazienes are peddaling that kind of crap. The crack-addict emaciated look is in these days I guess. I even heard Playboy is starting to feature more and more models with unhealthy BMIs. With an unhealthy BMI like some of these girls have, they need breast implants to simulate the more natural appeal of curves (probably why they look so unnatural and surreal, God knows how they keep their balance). It's sick, sick, sick. But of course our culture is sick and malnourished consuming twisted diets, so it is no wonder we worship twisted, diseased idols. And it's also no wonder the teen suicide rate keeps on climbing, familys are falling apart, and Suzy Homemaker left her kids with Charlie Manson. Oh my god, I'm going way into another tangent, so I'll just leave it at that.

[misskimbee]

Bakerchic - Of course you know I meant to create a journal to combat the purging right? I mean, don't start a journal for pro-purge, right?

If you can record the healthy, good choices you've made, you will be rewarded with buttloads of positive feedback from all of us, I guarantee. Then you can see how you are progressing to a healthier life by ingesting good foods and keepin 'em there.

I encourage you to keep getting better and better!

[Bakerchic]

I know you didn't mean pro-purge. Sorry if the pro-ana thing confused you. (I'm trying to get past that now anyway). I will start a journal I think, but just until I get a plan organized and on track. It's kind of tough now that I'm trying to break the cycle. I slipped up and purged yesterday and was disgusted with myself. But I think once I get in gear and things shake up a bit in my life for the better, I'll have a better handle. But I should start a journal cause I do better when I'm positively reinforced. It's harder to purge when you think you're letting someone down even if it someone over the internet.

[misskimbee]

Right on, that's an excellent attitude to have!!! I'm so happy to hear that!

Yes, and by the way, there is NO shortage of positive reinforcements on this board - your journal will be great medicine for you, I think :)

[msmum1977]

maybe this sounds hokey but having a higher power to talk to helps sometimes

it doesn't matter if you have a religion or are an aethiest, just asking something that is of a higher power than yourself helps

I'm by no means a church going person, but everyone once in a while I need to ask something to help me through difficult time...just asking can be a relief

I'll think about you

[by the way, i've always been a compulsive overeater...I binge but can't bring myself to purge...also a disorder]

[LauraC123]

Hi Bakerchic,

I am very,very new to this site but certainly not to your dilema. I started the whole eating disordered lifestyle back when I was 9. Firstly, overeating (I did not know about bulimia) then I put on some weight. Finally, at the tender age of 11 I decided to starve myself (anorexia) then when I became older I became bulimic. I believe Low Carbing can help you to some degree. I feel the cycle begins as psychological & emotional at the start (control issues, fear,depression,not being able to deal with your feelings) and becomes more and more of a physical dependency as your body is basically being abused and malnourished. They both coexist and you feel like you cease to exist. I would seriously recommend you seeking counseling to find the underlying issues as to the "whys" of your disorder. and also start dealing with the physical part (LCarbing) . Your healing will then begin to coexist (the physical and mental). The only reason I stress the Low carb way is because that was the only thing to help with the physical aspects of getting my body back to some form of balance. Of course, I also mean getting therapy as well (that is important) believe me, the LC lifestyle was the only way I could do it . I could not just eat a cookie it was a whole box...with the LC way these urges eventally minimize and for me personally I also gave over my life and self to the Lord when I realized I could no longer do this on my own..
Baker, do not beat yourself up over this,,,you are already beating yourself up
physically and emotionally everytime you binge and purge...and you have to ask yourself, why??? For me it was not about food but the emotional and physical abuse I suffered as a child.There is a root and core to your ED.
...and do not look at the magazines and try to be like them...it is all a mirage. I know from my own experience being in that world ( I was 5'9 and at the time 112lbs, I then went up to 123 and told I needed to lose the weight (what weight!)) I looked the part but was suffering miserably and despite what it seemed like to other I felt worthless and unloved.Most of these girls have some form of an eating disorder or are more-common-then-you think using drugs to keep themselves thin. I know and saw first hand( I am out of that...by the grace of God) The whole beauty myth is just that a MYTH....
Learn to love yourself and that you are worth it ...If you really believed that in the deep down parts of who you are you would find it alot harder to do what you are doing...You are and should know you ARE better then that.. :angel: .
Peace & Blessings,
Laura

[Bakerchic]

Wow Laura, thanks for the reply. It seemed my post struck a chord with you. You put it perfectly when you said psychology and food obsession makes you feel non-existent. Especially since that is the perfect way I'd describe myself, non-existent. It's so hard to walk through life hating yourself. I know I need help, but I just don't know if I want to keep trying. I really want to believe I can do this on my own, but then, I don't know if I have the resources. I see you are either a born again Christian, or a convert. I to had fallen away from religion with the onset of my eating disorder. I was a Christian, and as far as I can remember, when I was, I felt very strong and relied on God. Worries like food and those things ceased. But then I fell into a world that told me what it thought I should like, and I fell for it damn't. The whole spiel, believing if I was thin or pretty, I would be complete. That void can never be filled because our basic human nature keeps us wanting more. It's so hard to believe that God could fulfill those desires as he plans to do. He is supposed to fill the void that keeps us trapped in our addictions, but life has taught me not to trust, so now I'm focusing on trusting God more and the media less.

[LauraC123]

but life has taught me not to trust, so now I'm focusing on trusting God more and the media less.

....When all is said and done that is all you can really trust. I have been betrayed by everyone close to me in my life and not small betrayals but serious breaches in caring, protection& trust.I say this because to me food was the only thing I can rely on to make me feel "better" or not feel at all.... so I would not have to deal with the pain of life. I do not know what people have done to you to make you not trust but know if they have hurt you in anyway it is due to their shortcomings,addictions, problems ect. As far as the media goes you should not trust them ...it is a business, they are in business to make money and part of that is the diet industry, cosmetic industry that make BILLIONS of dollars...part of this is making women feel bad about themselves so they will shell out a few more bucks to be a little thinner or a little prettier... Although I do not do modeling anymore..I still am in the entertainment field and I have to say...some of these people are some of the most unhappy and lost people you could meet....as far as trusting peopleI know it is not an answer but sometimes you have to accept in life the " I do not understand why these thing happened" and basically give it over to God. I simply store it in the " I do not understand" part of my emotions now , instead of beating myself up over it. Personally, for me giving it to the Lord and really trusting ,he has my best interest at heart and him being able to heal these wounds has been the only thing to help me on a spiritual/emotional level and the physical dynamics of LCing have been able to balance out the physical part, when I am not obsessing about food (which LC allows me to do) I am better able to focus on what the Lord is doing in my life and what I can do with him...(which is all things!)...let go and let God...let him fight this battle for you ...you may have some setbacks but we ALL do, this is part of human nature & human fraility.I will keep you in my prayers...feel free to email me anytime.
Peace & Blessings, :angel: :angel:
Laura

[Redfallon]

I am glad to see this post. I have had an obsession with food since I was in Junior High (12-14 for you in the UK). At first, it was not eating much because the friends I hung out with didn't. I still am an emotional eater, although I have been able to get most of it under control. After finding out that my ex-bf had another gf before we broke up (found out several months after the breakup), I started the bulimic cycle again. I even looked up how people did it, because I couldn't stick my finger down my throat. Through my research, I bought epicac syrup to do this. I only used it about 3 times b/c I couldn't stand the feeling it gave - takes about 15 mins to go in effect. I haven't done this in a while, but then I moved into binging and then not eating for 2 or 3 days. I knew there was something wrong with this, but I didn't realize that this is also considered bulimia. The not eating after a binge is the purge cycle. The purge cycle can have more forms than just throwing up. For the past several months, I have been able to control this, but I don't know that I will ever be completely over it, not until I am able to battle the emotional reasons that often kickstart it. If a therapist looked at my past, they would probably see that I have abandonment issues over my parents divorce when I was in Jr. High. I also hang on to a boyfriend for far longer than I should, even if the relationship is harmful to me, for fear that no one else will want me. I'm 27 and have had 3 bf's. I know that I try harder to please the people that put me down than the ones that are nice to me. It's trying to win them over. I set impossible goals for myself and am a perfectionist, to boot.

I've went to a therapist with the free visits my insurance pays for. I have been thinking of going back since I have pretty good coverage for a small copay. I started going to help me get through the last breakup I had, but I think I should go back to work on myself.

[ikkuna3]

i guess you could say that i have an eating disorder, i'm 5'3" and 95 pounds.
and all i can see on my frame is fat fat fat, and it's a struggle everyday to not binge, and today i was sucessful- eating a gummy bear and about .5 cup lettuce with lemon juice.
hopefully i will get to my GW of 85 pounds within a month.

and about the B/P cycle, it really is hard to get out of, knowing that you can eat as much as you want and then just get rid of it makes it so hard to not do it.
the only thing i can sugest is eat a little to prevent you from binging. if you think you'd binge on a tub of ice cream, eat a serving, measure it out, and take the time a side to enjoy it.
sorry i don't have any better advise, just think of how much better you'll feel if you don't b/p for a week, then a month, and so on.

[LauraC123]

"I'm 27 and have had 3 bf's. I know that I try harder to please the people that put me down than the ones that are nice to me. It's trying to win them over. I set impossible goals for myself and am a perfectionist, to boot"
****************************************
If you spoke to many ed's a large portion of them ARE perfectionist and/or have obsessive /compulsive tendencies...
Its funny that you say you go out of your way to please the ones who are NOT nice to you ...I did that a large portion of my life...I was wondering why this man did'nt fall for me like every other guy did...WHY? Well, I will have to see why and win him over...The nice guy, well he was weak in my eyes.he was nice to all people so I really wasn't special..he just was nice...but the tough guy well, he is not so nice to everyone so if he is nice to me...well then I must be special , right?..warped, I know
Of course, at the time I was not aware this was my thought process but I finally realized I was REPLAYING my childhood relationships with my mother and father (men) to a T...My parents were not good parents. they were abusive and neglectful. I always thought if I could win them over, it never happened so I would try with my other relationships as well. There is also a STRONG comfort in distance (when this is what you are used to) and you may pick out people who fulfill this role because it what you find comfort in. I am just sharing a little bit of my history with you in hopes you might help..since I was so much like that in that aspect...Once I was able to collaborate the two, what I was doing...and KNOW I deserved better...I started to have healthier relationships

Peace and Blessings to you all....for I have been there and done that...and my heart goes out to you all
:)
Laura

[webmedic]

Hm I guess I'll post in as the guys point of view. At an early age I became very touchy about my weight and withdrawn. Even when I would go swimming I would ware a tshirt. When i got older I joined the military and even with the constant exercise I still got up to 250 pounds. I could run 7 miles without to much trouble but I never felt happy with myself. I would also use laxatives to supposedly loose weight.

After finding out that my diet was killing my some years later and getting up to 300 pounds. Something had to change.

Jesus does make a difference.

I also changed my diet. By the way allot of the cravings are due to a lack in you diet and once you get the proper nutrients it will help immensely. Pregnant woman for instance get pica were they crave chalk, dirt, and other things.

I wish you will and don't forget to look up.

[Redfallon]

If you spoke to many ed's a large portion of them ARE perfectionist and/or have obsessive /compulsive tendencies...
Its funny that you say you go out of your way to please the ones who are NOT nice to you ...I did that a large portion of my life...I was wondering why this man did'nt fall for me like every other guy did...WHY? Well, I will have to see why and win him over...The nice guy, well he was weak in my eyes.he was nice to all people so I really wasn't special..he just was nice...but the tough guy well, he is not so nice to everyone so if he is nice to me...well then I must be special , right?..warped, I know

I know that I also have obsessive/compulsive tendencies. It's not as severe as cases when you see someone washing their hands 50 times, but I will do things such as, just a second ago, I moved my laptop to the edge of the desk and had to line it up perfectly with the edge. If it is even slightly off, I have to fix it.

As far as guys, what you said is very much like me. I'm still having a problem with the last guy. But I think that all of them were pretty much the same in that, whenever they would say something they didn't like, I would try that much harder to do something that they 'would' like. When the compliments are few and far between, they are that much more 'special', so I know EXACTLY what you are talking about there! I think that with me it is also about pleasing my parents - my mom rather than my dad. My dad has been pretty accepting my whole life, but my mother still finds fault. I think she has a large part to play in the food obsession, as well. When I was in jr. high and high school, if she saw me eating a lot, she would tell me to be careful cos I was gonna get fat. If she saw me not eating much, she would tell me to be careful or I was gonna get anorexic. Looking back now, I think that I just had a normal teenager appetite that varied a lot along with the hormones - sometimes I would be ravenous and sometimes not very hungry at all. But it has perpetuated into this binge/purge thing now, I guess.

The silly thing is that I KNOW exactly what is going on with me, and I have a realist point-of-view on it, but I still don't stop or can't stop it.

[Bakerchic]

Redfallon, I know exactly the same cycle you are in. I was there myself. Sure, the weightloss is the only satisfaction, but who gives a flying f*** when you are so completely obsessed. I hate it. I also sympathize with you about the break-up thing. I was eating semi-decent until I ended a bad sexual relationship, and then the purging went wild. Also, rejection by an older man spawned allot of my purging to. So now I'm in this cycle of shame. I think the purging is my way of releasing the anger and disgust I keep so locked in myself. I've just gotten so used to purging that I don't know any other way to creatively release these emotions that are overwhelming me. But I guess this is the part where i have to look into myself and find the energy and will to change. I know it's hard to believe, but it's there because I've done it before.

[LauraC123]

The silly thing is that I KNOW exactly what is going on with me, and I have a realist point-of-view on it, but I still don't stop or can't stop it

**************
The fact alone, that you recognize these patterns is a START in the right direction...some people do not recognize their compulsions.or causes...Have patience with yourself...these things do not evolve overnight and are not solved overnight, either....I am sorry you feel you cannot stop. I know how this feels...One day I hope you can learn to truly love yourself and the other peices will begin to fall in place.
Peace & Blessings :)

[Redfallon]

One day I hope you can learn to truly love yourself and the other peices will begin to fall in place.
Peace & Blessings :)
I do, too :)