Do you feel less sexy when too heavy?? A woman thing or a man thing to?

[d'lyn]

Had a post earlier this week that mentioned how the mind plays games with how I feel sexually when a pounds are higher than they should be. Jeffrey answered my post saying that men think women are sexy...period! Better too many pounds than too thin. That sounds wonderful but I have a problem thinking a man would find me sexy when I look in the mirror and am totally turned off at the sight of my body. Mainly because I know I am overweight. For a long time, I wouldn't undress in front of DH unless the lights were off!!!! And it had to be dark!!!! I must be honest, though, DH never said or did anything that made me feel this way. He goes out of his way to let me know the opposite. But this weekend when he bought me a new scale, it weighed me heavier than my old one and I felt frumpy all over again even though it was the same body!!!!

Am I the only one who wants to look pretty and sexy for my husband??? I went to Victoria's Secret last week to find something alluring to wear. Unfortunately, we are a very small town and the nearest one isn't very big so the selection was small. Either that or there are a whole lot more "large" size women than "small or extra small" because that was the only size they seemed to have in stock!!

d'lyn

[yvonne326]

My DH never did NOT find me desireable...although since lose the weight he can't seem to keep his hands off of me but yet, I still have the phobia to "cover up" and with a drawer-full of sexy lingerie at home, I don't wear them often since I still feel my body can't show it off. Same goes with bathingsuit although I was feeling slim on Sunday and put on a bikini to sun in the yard...but never would I wear it in public or in front of people...

Perhaps when I reach goal I will feel better about my body...I sure hope so.

[rodmick]

I might be in the minority but I thought I was sexy at 207. I have absolutely no problem running around naked with Dh . My tummy is flabby and hangy. I have stretch marks, my boobs are starting to drop. Dh helped change my body through pregnancy. His body has changed over the last 14 yrs too. I actually think men worry about this too!
I think sexy is all attitude. We once went to a club and the lead singer was a very heavy woman. All the guys were gawking and so were us girls. Between the smokey voice and confidence that woman just oozed confidence and sex appeal. It taught me a good lesson!!!!!!!!

[CheesyPoof]

I think most women want to be sexy for their husband.

I also think most women measure themselves against a much more unreasonable standard than their husbands do. Thank god. ;)

[cajrio]

I think sexy is an attitude but I certainly do feel better when I can go out and wear something that makes me feel pretty as opposed to my sweat pants . My husband never said I was fat always said I was just right and did not need to lose weight but he seems to me to make more comments now on my appearance now that I am losing weight (good comments)

[MsTwacky]

Not only do I not feel sexy...I can't imagine anyone else seeing me as sexy...

I guess it is very low self esteem and poor body image :(

Also I really take notice to how people treated me and responded to me when I am thinner as opposed to how I look now.

But it is true...when I am in the 'process' of losing weight or 'in the solution', I feel more confident and pretty as opposed to the self pity and bashing myself!

[DebPenny]

Low-carbing unlocked my libido and ever since then I can't help but feel sexy. :cool:

[RCFletcher]

MsTwacky, I just checked out your photos. You're sexy - believe me! You have a lovely face. Give yourself a break.

[realdeal31]

I dont feel sexy at all when i am bigger.

ANd sadly in 1999 i was at a great bodyweight, 5 feet 10 inches and 174 pounds, i add good compliments that i look great and was 27 years old, people would say i looked like a 22-23 year old.

I am now 32 and have lost some good weight was 231 pounds in April of last year.

I am down at 195 pounds and still look puggy, people give me from 30 to 36 years old and i dont really like that.

My goal is to get back at 175 pounds by the end of summer.

And dont worry Men who take care of themselve dont feel sexy at all when they are bigger, its not all feeling sexy either but for health reasons also.

Key key i am single lol so why not take the opportunity to look good and try to attract more women in the process lol.

[Hilary M]

My husband has always made me feel sexy at any size and loves my curves. I have no problem running around the house naked. He is happy I'm trying to lose weight, for my health, but as far as sexiness goes, he's happy with me no matter what size I am!

The bigger problem is with myself. When I'm having a good day (feeling thin), I feel better about myself and therefore can loosen up and enjoy sex more. If I look in the mirror and concentrate on how flabby my stomach still is, I'm not so in the mood, you know? And don't get me started about Victoria's Secret and their evil ploy to make D-cup women feel gigantic and left out! :lol:

[erinleigh]

I might be in the minority but I thought I was sexy at 207. !!

I am with you!!! I have always thought of myself as being sexy! Even when I was larger larger, I thought "Hey, if someone is going to want me, they are going want all of me!" I have a love me for me mantality!! I works! Just feel confident in your skin, even if its shrinking!!

:)

[sunspine17]

I know exactly how you feel. My DH has always been supportive of me no matter my weight. When I was heavier and I complained about my weight he'd tell me that it doesn't matter and he loves and desires me no matter what size I am, etc. It would sort of make me feel better but I could still never feel sexy.

Funny, the more I'd loose weight the more he would give me compliments and chase me around the house trying to goose me! I find it all flattering but way in the back of my mind I think "Regardless of what you said before, you do definitely desire me more now that I'm thinner."

On the flip side, he's become more conscious about his weight now that I've slimmed down and we go through the same types of conversations from his side. He doesn't feel desirable at his size. Of course I tell him I love him and desire him no matter what size he is. And I wholeheartedly, 100% without a doubt mean it. But then I think to myself-- what WILL my reaction be if he does slim down? Will I be chasing him around the house like he does me?!

The whole thing confuses me! All I know is I may feel "sexier" but it's still a far cry from feeling outright SEXY. I've hated my body for so much of my life that I don't know if I'll every truly feel that. Gee, that's SAD!

[CheesyPoof]

Funny, the more I'd loose weight the more he would give me compliments and chase me around the house trying to goose me! I find it all flattering but way in the back of my mind I think "Regardless of what you said before, you do definitely desire me more now that I'm thinner."


You know, I have a bit of the same situation, but I really think I'm getting more "chasing" and "groping" from him because I'm more receptive to it, you know?

Before, if he'd groped and said something flattering I would NOT have been amused. I was SO down on myself. Now I'm much more willing to be playful, because even if I'm not perfectly thin, I'm WORKING on it and I feel so much better about myself.

[sunspine17]

Before, if he'd groped and said something flattering I would NOT have been amused. I was SO down on myself. Now I'm much more willing to be playful, because even if I'm not perfectly thin, I'm WORKING on it and I feel so much better about myself.
Hmmm. . . I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not so much my body that is more sexy, it's my new attitude that's sexy. Oh no, WAIT-- you mean my body is NOT more sexy!? Oh, there I go into a deep depression again :lol:

[CheesyPoof]

Hmmm. . . I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not so much my body that is more sexy, it's my new attitude that's sexy.

Nice way of saying exactly what I was trying to say -- only better!

Oh no, WAIT-- you mean my body is NOT more sexy!? Oh, there I go into a deep depression again


Wrong -- your body was ALWAYS sexy! :)

[Paris]

My husband has always made me feel sexy at any size and loves my curves. I have no problem running around the house naked. He is happy I'm trying to lose weight, for my health, but as far as sexiness goes, he's happy with me no matter what size I am!

Ditto. My DH is awesome. Plus, I never really found my self not sexy even at my top weight.

[Grimalkin]

You guys are amazing. I must have a really sick body image of myself! I feel less disgusting now than I used to, but the fat on my butt just grosses me out. I do get plenty of male attention, but I'm usually in jeans and never a bikini!

[tholian8]

I agree wholeheartedly with those who are talking about attitude! It's all in the way you carry yourself. When I have felt my weight/body size was out of control, I felt horrible about myself and didn't feel the least bit sexy. Fortunately, I have a wonderful partner who would not let my bad attitude get in the way. :D When I started to lose and felt in control again, I felt a lot more sexy even though my body hadn't changed much. For me it's all about the feeling of controlling my own appearance and destiny...but then again, I am a card carrying control fiend.

[Jeffrey_]

There are so many beautiful women on this website. It is sad to read about how much they dislike themselves and how they think they are unattractive.

[TerryLynne]

Low-carbing unlocked my libido and ever since then I can't help but feel sexy. :cool:

I'd have to second this comment! Before Lcing my libido was nonexistant! Now it's almost uncontrolable :blush:

But I also agree that sexy has more to do w/ self confidence and attitude than size. I am feeling really good about myself now at 191lbs. And getting a lot of attention, but, I realize that there are a lot of women out there who would be devastated to be this big... I think it all comes down to perspective.

[momof4boys]

You know, I have a bit of the same situation, but I really think I'm getting more "chasing" and "groping" from him because I'm more receptive to it, you know?

Before, if he'd groped and said something flattering I would NOT have been amused. I was SO down on myself. Now I'm much more willing to be playful, because even if I'm not perfectly thin, I'm WORKING on it and I feel so much better about myself.

I think this says it all, It's the feeling of actually doing something about it! My husband is definatly into me more! I've only lost 15lbs, and it doesn't show that much, but it's all in the attitude I think! I feel better because I know I'm on my way to being SEXY!
Tammy

[cococarby]

I think the only thing my bf finds UNattractive is when I complain about how I look. He has said that he has never considered me overweight and doesnt notice that I have lost 25 pounds. but he has also said he misses my round booty... sometimes i do too :(

[erinleigh]

but he has also said he misses my round booty... sometimes i do too :(

I miss my round booty also!!! :lol:

[bcbeauty]

My husband has never made me feel bad about my weight. But I , on the other hand, am my own worst critic. Since gaining the 60 or so lbs I never wanted...I have pretty much turned into a prude from an outgoing sexually curious (with dh of course)try anything once kinda girl! My weight changed who I am.Dh does comment on that. I am slowly starting to feel a little better about my body and my image as I lose weight.

[Lissette]

When I am heavier I will not wear sleeveless shirts, shorts, or a bathing suit! I could hardly bear looking at my reflection, even with make up and my hair nice I still saw my very round and pudgy face looking back, so YES it does make a difference (in my opinion) in the bedroom too!!!!!! :(

[black57]

Have you good people ever read the comic strip Rose is Rose? It is about a young mom and Dad with a little boy named Pasquale. Well, Rose's husband is always fantasizing about her being plump although she is not. It is funny that when she is feeling sexy or wild, she imagines herself as a biker chick with a mini skirt, high heeled boots and, long curly hair. You can almost hear the electric guitar in the background.

My DH has been happy with my body regardless of the size. He credits his good lovin' as the reason I put on nearly 40 lbs since we have been together. As for me. When I look at myself, naked, I resemble a chocolate Pillsbury Dough Boy. :doah: Yet, I accepted my fluffy body and I always considered myself sexy. Now I have more of a sexy attitude now that I am smaller. I am 47 years old and I want my younger husband to see me as being more youthful :agree: I want DH to hear an electric guitar when he sees me in my mini skirt with high heeled boots. :wave: ( hello )

My booty is still round. :agree:

JMO
B57 ( As I walk away with Black Dog playing in the background )

[ItsTheWooo]

I felt so disgusting when I was fat. So much so I felt almost asexual. You're not the only one with such feelings.

I still am a bit iffy about my self esteem and looks and things like that, but I feel *way* better about the way I look now. I think it is normal to feel more attractive, desirable, and just better about yourself when you think you look better.

The problem I think is when we start to blindly think a weight on the scale absolutely says something about our body composition and our apperance. Scale weight itself is very meaningless, body fat relative to muscle tone is much more significant.

[PilotGal]

Good thread!!!
The other day, I was sitting on a bench, looking out at the surf after snorkeling for an hour, and I was watching the people walk by.. Many, many were severely overweight. As I sat there, I thought.... "hmmm, I don't feel like I look like them." But everytime I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or if a photo is taken of me, and I see all that neck action, and that big belly roll through my shirt..... I get remorseful. I do look like them. But my brain didn't think so.... My brain still sees me at 140 lbs and a size 8. But my eyes see the real me....
My brain feels like I'm attractive, but my eyes see that I have a long journey ahead of me.
I wish my brain would just admit what is really going on.. then maybe we can be more consistent with sticking with the program.
:::waving to Tholian::::
Black>> your comment to this thread was hysterical! chocolate dough boy? I feel like a great big marshmellow!!! :lol: :lol:

[mabacacia]

I don't think that I have ever felt less sexy than I do now. When I got married two years ago I weighed 120 lbs (Thanks to Atkins). I just had a baby three months ago and only gained thirty lbs, but the baby was big and I had lots of fluid. Not to mention the c-section scar that I can't see because my belly hangs over it. My husband and I have not had sex since I was three months pregnant and I feel like I am disgusting. I now weigh 161 lbs and feel just awful about myself. I don't even think I want my husband to see me naked. :cry:

[fendel]

When I was relatively skinny (165 and a size 12-14 -- skinny for me, anyway) I felt sexy and confident whether I was with a boyfriend or just out in public interacting with people. I went from 210 lbs at age 21 to 165 by age 24, so when I was 24 I thought I was hot stuff. ;)

When I was heavy at various points--210 at college graduation, back up to 225 in the last couple of years--then I felt unsexy and embarrassed in public. Almost invisible; I noticed around 180 or so that men stopped checking me out. But I managed to still feel semi-sexy in private with my husband (now) or my old boyfriend (back after college)... because they desired me regardless of the weight.

When I first met my now-DH, we talked about weight once--I was still in my skinny phase--and he said he didn't think he would be attracted to me anymore if I gained 20 pounds. I was hurt and angry. That statement stuck in my mind. Whether by coincidence or some kind of subconscious rebellion, I proceeded to put on 60 pounds. He still found me attractive, or attractive enough, although I think my lack of confidence made me less sexy to him. That's improving now that I'm losing weight again.

I'm rambling... I guess the bottom line is -- I do feel less sexy at my heavier weights, but men who have loved me have loved me then anyway. (It was certainly a relief to find out DH wasn't as shallow as he thought he was. He's put on some weight too, but I couldn't care less. I like how we fit together. :blush: )

[black57]

Black>> your comment to this thread was hysterical! chocolate dough boy? I feel like a great big marshmellow!!! :lol: :lol:


Well, now I look like a chocolate Pillsbury Dough Boy on Atkins. :agree:

Honestly, I have always had a high self esteem. I never thought of my weight gain as being unattractive. I just didn't thingk of it as me. I have a friend who has always had a "weight problem" but she also had a great body. She has an hour glass figure and wears great clothes. I have never seen her without makeup or spike heels and she's got Tina Turner beat when it comes to great legs. She has lost weight in the past but looked just as outstanding except in a slimmer size. I think that I have a decent body but it doesn't look as good with the added girth. I have too much gut :wave: If my waistline would just sink inward, I would not be interested in losing any more weight.

[PlaneCrazy]

I think the only thing my bf finds UNattractive is when I complain about how I look.

I haven't seen too many guys chiming in here, so I'll take the plunge. I'm also divulging some super-secret guy stuff, so don't tell anyone. :)

I'm going to tell you the deep secret of just what is sexy to men. (at least men with the emotional maturity of at least 5-years-old) Don't listen to all the claptrap you read in magazine about what a man "really" wants. It "really" comes down to three things for a man to find you sexy. (if that's what you want) Are you ready?

Confidence, health and humor are the three ingredients for a woman to be seen as sexy by men. The most sure-fire way to make sure a man doesn't find you attractive is to complain endlessly about the way you look. If you are a confident 250 pound woman with a sense of humor about yourself (not humor at the expense of yourself, just accepting yourself with a gain of humor in it) you are sexy. If you feel yourself to be sexy, you will have the confidence to be attractive.

For men, attraction is 90% reptilian brain, 10% rational thought. But that 10% can overwhelm the 90% if the overall attitude is negative. If you have even a moderately fun, confident person parading naked in front of you and there are no other barriers (marriage, (under)age, relations etc) then you're going to be interested.

It seems to me that attraction for women is much more thought-based, with the reptilian brain coming more to the fore as they get older. (and better, in my humble, reptilian opinion) This may partially help explain why they are more hard on themselves then men usually are. They think more about it.

For both men and women, as you get more comfortable in your body you feel sexier, I believe that's true across the board. If you feel good about yourself, physically and/or mentally, you'll have a healthier sense of your own sexuality. That's been a benefit for me whenever I've focused on myself, especially my physical self.

OK, now that I've spilled the male beans, I'd like a little return favor of a female viewpoint.

My wife has come to a sort-of truce with herself and her body. She knows that she'll never have the body she really longs for (unless her skeleton changes) and as long as she doesn't think too hard about it, she doesn't go crazy over it. Unfortunately, my improving myself seems to bring her perceived lack of "perfection" up to her every day. Especially as I want to share my excitement and what I'm learning. When I do, it seems to make her feel worse about herself. That makes me stop talking about it, which cuts her off from an important part of my life. Not good.

I've always told her that she's beautiful, that I don't want her anyother way, that I'd still find her attractive at much heavier weights when she fears getting there, but nothing I say makes a difference because the trouble is in her own head.

So, besides the totally worthless male way of dealing with this (trying to help her achieve what she wants by suggesting action) what's the best way of helping her through this and finding a way to either live with the way she is, or find the strength and courage (and permission) to change?

Any thoughts?

Plane Crazy

[DebPenny]

Plane Crazy, your wife is lucky to have such a thoughtful husband.

I can tell you one thing. When she complains, she may just want an ear to listen. Keep telling her how much you love her and how sexy she is, even when she disagrees with you. Most women don't know how to take a compliment (just say thank you, ladies, whether you agree or not), but they love getting them anyway.

When she's ready, she'll do what she needs to do to feel better about herself. With your encouragement, she can do it. But don't try to tell her how to do it. Just show her. And when she does start on it, notice it every day. You may think you sound like a broken record, and she may tell you that same thing, but she'll like it anyway.

I have a friend who is very pretty and attractive. I tell her this and she keeps saying no. I tell her she needs to learn to accept compliments, and she says she can't. BTW: Women can talk this way to each other because we can answer back to each other easier than some man telling us how to live our lives ;). But mostly I listen to her voice her insecurities and compliment her and, hopefully, reinforce her self-worth.

That's all we can do. People have to make their own decisions and act on them. We can try to help, but they have to do most of it for themselves. And they'll appreciate the results more when they do.

As far as sharing your excitement about low-carbing, keep it up. Just try not to do it as if you're trying to tell her to do it too or how to do it.

[PlaneCrazy]

Thanks, Deb. I'm sure I'm not alone in having the feeling of wanting to share and "save" everyone around us who we think could greatly benefit from this woe.

I try not to share my excitement in a way that seems like I'm telling her what she "should" do. She's so much better at that then I could ever be, so I tend to give her too little advise if anything, because I know that anything I say takes on way more significance than I intended.

I'll just continue to support, compliment and show my feelings. (words have got to be backed up by deeds, otherwise they're not worth the breath they took to utter them) It will have to just be at her time, not a moment before. I'm having to do it with my Dad as well who is getting to the point where it might be a matter of saving his life, but his problems are issues around food as comfort and food as empowerment. Another tough nut, but I have more experience with him and my Mom's really doing all the working on him anyway. :)

Thanks again!

Plane Crazy

[d'lyn]

This ended up being an extremely informative thread. Much more so than I had hoped for when I posted the original thread. Thank you for all the input, the comments, suggestions and advice. Every single one was informative and helpful.

We obviously all react differently to our weight. No one way is right or wrong. It just is. I'm getting past my bad feeling about myself now and I hope everyone who has the same problem will be able to do the same. Bought some cute little pajamas yesterday in a size smaller than last time. That in itself was a booster for me!

d'lyn