Coming Out Of Shame

[DayStar]

Here I am. 327 on the way to 200. Shame engulfs me. I focused on so many things in my life, except my body.
Just found this forum, and figured you would all understand so... I HOPE that Sharing my story helps me unload inertia.


Have been BIG all my life. Weighed 201 coming out of high school. Got down to 170 in army. But quickly went up to 270, maybe 280 after I got out. I got serious about weight loss and lost 60 pound via willpower, and exercise (weight lifting with a buddy), when in my mid 20's. But it came back by late 20's. 290 or so. So I did it again.

This time I invented my own Portion Control diet. I figured I could not gain a pound if I did not eat a pound. Potato chips were ok on this diet, because, who could eat a pound of potato chips <lol>. Anyway, it was crazy but it worked. I held managed to keep even at about 220, plus or minus, for many years until I quit smoking - 10 years ago.

That was when I gained 100 pounds in about 4 or 6 months. Never got it off. Never could even touch it. Plus or minus about 10 pounds. Everybody in my family is HUGE so... For the last 6 or 8 years I tried to love and accept myself as I was created.

The only thing is, I finally came to the point where I could no longer believe God wanted me to look like this. Now in mid 40's. I feel immense shame about my body size. Have been trying to avoid this, and maybe succeeding so well (at denial) that in the last several years I almost never felt like I had to actually do something about it. There was the year they asked me to play Santa Claus in church. I was willing, but, the suit they rented would not fit. It was too small. Ouch. I cried. Vowed to do something. But nothing happened.

So now it is 2003. I spent the last 5 years working 15 hour days sitting at a computer trying to launch a webmaster career. At least I used to be fairly active and athletic for my size. But not any longer. Sad but true.

Now I know A person cannot live healthy or well like this. Besides, my career as a webmaster is basically over, because of recession, and I am back in job market. Seeing the guys I was up against was scary. Who would want me? Finally, I came to the point that I knew something had to be done.

Motivations are Spiritual, Physical Heath, and Vocational.

This is my first "official" (meaning structured) diet in my life. I lost 15 pounds in the first 3 weeks, but have now stalled for a week. Very discouraging. A week ago I did not even want to cheat. It was easy to be cheat free. The weight was coming off, and I felt like, gee - this is going to be fairly easy!

But bagels and fruits and breads and buns are starting to look good again. Need support. Can you inspire me?

[Just Me]

Well ... you're on your way with the -15 pounds! It all starts, just like the weight gain, one step at a time.

I know the shame, and even today, I don't like many to know I was that huge. It's my dark dirty secret.

If you need someone to help encourage you on those down days, PM me. Been there done that!

[DarB]

Hi DayStar,
What can I say to encourage you??? 5 pounds a week for three weeks is an incredible amount of weight to go, and congratulations on that...but I guess I need to ask how much do you expect to lose each week?? OUr bodies get used to being a certain weight...and to all of a sudden lose 15 pounds in such a short time has probably made it all of a sudden sit up and take notice...
Also, how many calories are you taking in...if you are taking in too little for your frame, then your body will think it is starving and hold onto weight instead of losing...and of course your fat should be way up there too...70% at least...
Have you been to fitday?? Perhaps if you plugged in your foods there, you would see where you stand....
I haven't visited your journal, but if you listed your foods and totals, perhaps we can see something that is not so good.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you yourself say that the weight came on over a period of time, so it stands to reason that it is going to take some time to come off. I myself have stalled twice now for over three weeks each time...but it would start again, and the losing would go on for a bit.
So hang in there, a week stall is not a stall, trust me..
Come and visit my journal if you want, and also, welcome to the TDC...it is a great place and there is lots of good advice and support here abouts..

[McBear]

I just read your post and it moved me so much because I also experienced immense shame over my body, for so many reasons. And for a long while I did not know how to get back...I wanted to get back to life, freedom, health, anything better than where I was. When you get so far away from yourself, finding the path back is just so daunting it's unspeakable.

But here we are. Doing it. I stopped losing in my 5th week, freaked out a little, but then settled in for the long journey back to life. It's been lose a little, stay the same a little, but it's working.

Don't let the scale trip you out, just trust that as long as you're keeping to this WOL, you'll get where you want to go. You will. Just trust it. It's hard, I know, but we can all do it. You'll get there!

[mnbooger]

Just stick in there and do the basics, you were in the army so you know the basics. IT WILL COME OFF. As long as you keep following the basics.
Some people follow induction for months, but I have found that if you ease up on the induction restrictions (still keeping under 30 carbs a day), it is okay to add in ANY food you like. I don't really count carbs anymore, BUT I know about what most foods that I eat have in them. If each meal has less than 8 carbs, and a couple of snacks at 1 or 2 carbs each keeps me under 30. Some days I probably get less than 15, but some usualy I get around 20. This does not mean you can eat 30 carbs at 1 meal, but if each meal is under 10, you are spreading the carbs over the day and won't have that large of an insulin response.

In the last month I have seen a slow down in my weight loss, but I am drinking more alcohol than I should, and probably more calories (I got a new gas grill and love big steaks). BUT I am still losing...its down to about a pound a week, but with the amount of food I have been consuming, I AM STILL LOSING.

The plan works, everyone has ups and downs on their weight loss. Just give it more time.

And if you look around you can find some low carb alternatives to some traditional foods, fruits like strawberies, musk melon, and cantelope are good additions to make you eating more pleasurable. Or there are many low carb bread alternatives. I just found a low carb bread from Natural Ovens Bakeries that has only 3 carbs a slice. You can have your bacon and eggs with a slice of toast and still be OK, or shred up some radishes or daikon for a hashbrown like side dish for breakfast.

You can do this.
With just a little bit of work, low carb can do wonders.
Stick with it.

[MisterE]

Eat the food on your program; drink the water you know you must; take your supplements to keep you healthy; and move your butt as much as you are able. The cravings will subside. When they come eat some legal foods and they will pass.
There are not many of us on this board that have not food "sinned" since beginning this way of eating. Don't kick yourself if you fall. But you will also see that the successful people around here do not fall too many times.
You have the wisdom to KNOW you have to do this. So did a lot of us. Hell, I could barely walk. But I take my life seriously. I know you do, too!

If we keep doing what we always have...giving in to the food demons from hell...we will never find health or be able to do the things we really desire in this life.

A small change in our eating patterns and we can find a new and better life. look around you in here. You will find one hell of a change in so many people. I still can't walk well. BUT I can walk. And I do walk. And I am happy. And it is because of my new way of eating and way of life.

I wish you luck but more importantly I wish you wisdom. You KNOW what you have to do. Now...read some of the successful people's journals as to how they made the trek to health. Emulate those you find most compatable with your mind set. And move on to that NEW life you truly desire!

You may have come looking for a diet...but you may just leave with health, happiness, and the best and dearest friends you could ever hope for!

Welcome!

[DayStar]

Thank you all for the personal stories and encouragement. Congrats to each of you for sticking it out. And for your results! Very impressive.

I have committed to a NEW WOL, not a diet. I am a tough nut with lots of willpower as long as "I BELIEVE". Can keep doing the basics if I know I am on the right track. I just need a road sign now and then, a mile marker if you will.... Was nice to get them so often in the first few weeks.

The thing is, I wanted to stay on the induction rate of weight loss, (after watching 5 pounds a week come off). Now the sustained rate of 1 or 2 pounds a week seems slow. Since it is so early on in my NEW WOL, and since it worked great for 3 weeks and then stalled, the doubts were creeping back in... There are plenty of people who attack atkins weight loss as only water weight loss, etc.

Connecting to some people like you who have clearly lost more than water :) is helpful. Thanks again!

I had no idea that a stall might last 3 weeks without 'proving' that atkins does not work.

Anyway, the way I see it, I am not losing anything, but am gaining a new life. Looks like each of you are too!

So... in the company of good men, I rally. Onward ho!

This journal thing is really a good idea eh? I was posting concepts, but not too much mundane meal by meal stuff. Will try it to see if anybody has any ideas.

Fitday? What's fitday?

Thanks again.

[KristyC]

Fitday is a great site where you can post what you eat everyday (www.fitday.com)

I use it to post what I eat and it helps if you are stalling...people can look at what you are eating and see if they can help figure out why you might be stalling.

[Marebear]

Hi DayStar :)

I know just where you are coming from. I only gained 50 pounds quitting smoking 10 years ago, but gained another 70 having babies LOL.

You know in your heart you can do this. Write down your goals, and more than just a number on the scale. Review them often. See what you can do daily to make them come true. Look back and see how far you have come, things that are easier to do now, etc. No matter how small it's the little things that keep us going.

Find out what motivates you and set up some rewards. Join a challenge here. You can do this!!

Mary

[CaseyZee]

Hey. I just want to say hang in there. And my small tip is to use a tape measure. There have been several weeks in a row where I've not lost a pound but I have definitely dropped some size. And even that makes me feel better.

Give it a try!

[tulips]

Welcome Daystar....leave your shame at the desk....all of us here know all about it. We'd all love the weight to magically disappear...the sooner the better. Many have written reminding us of the tortoise and the hare. Making changes that you can live with will be what gets you to the end. If it takes you longer than someone else who really cares in the end.

I haven't yet experienced problems but I know coming here will help keep me motivated when I do. I'm looking forward to pleasures I haven't enjoyed for several years and leaving the ugliness behind.

You are doing so wonderful. Perhaps you could weigh in monthly instead of weekly. 15lbs in a month is FANTASTIC!!!! I hope you are soon feeling more positive about your progress. Look forward to getting to know you better.

tulips

[ketodiva]

I was ashamed of my weight. I thought my body was ugly. I sometimes wanted to take a knife and cut the fat off. Then, this past Feb. my doctor referred me to a gastric bypass surgeon. I didn't go. I started Atkins. That was six months and over 50 pounds ago. Now I'm still fat. Hell, I still have 100 pounds to lose. And it's slowing down. But I'm not. I'm walking faster. I'm not out of breath all the time. I run up and down stairs when I used to avoid them, my blood pressure is normal and I feel great.

Now you're going to have real stalls. And they will probably freak you out. PM somebody. Send up a flare. But keep it up. Don't stop the program. You are in a war with the fat in your body. And it's a fight to the death. Either you lose the fat or it will kill you.

I weigh every day. When I lose a pound or two I post my results in the forum. Invariably the next day or two I gain about 4-5 pounds (water weight) and keep it for a few days. The longest I've kept the gain after the loss was three weeks. But then all of a sudden I'll lose three pounds and then another four so that in the long run, I'm down another pound or two. If your body is more than 50% water it is obviously going to have an effect on what you weigh. Go by how you look, how your clothes fit, and how you feel. And take measurements every couple of weeks.

We're all going to make it.

[aneredac]

Hey Daystar!
Hang in here and keep up the good work. You will eventually find that the weight loss continues.
I lost a lot of weight in my induction, and I know that a lot of it was water, since I was eating wheat, and I am allergic to it. I was also drinking a lot of diet pop with aspartamine.

Now that I am off wheat, and off aspartamine, the whoosh fairy has been visiting almost daily, at least it seems like that!
Rena

[DayStar]

I'm walking faster. I'm not out of breath all the time. I run up and down stairs when I used to avoid them, my blood pressure is normal and I feel great.


Yep. Me too. Thanks for the reminders.

[DayStar]

So hang in there, a week stall is not a stall, trust me...

So I am gathering. :(

Ah well. I still have all the benefits of the first three weeks to enjoy! Clothes fit better. I step livelier on the stairway. I move easier and more briskly.

I will GAIN more LIFE as I work my program. (to be repeated over and over whenever doubt comes calling) .

[DayStar]

Don't let the scale trip you out, just trust that as long as you're keeping to this WOL, you'll get where you want to go. You will. Just trust it. It's hard, I know, but we can all do it. You'll get there!

Good advice to be sure. :)

[DayStar]

My scale is a digital scale. I don't get 1/4 pounds or 1/2 pounds. It's all or nothing.

This morning the scale said 311. Then 312. Then 311. I will take the average and hope my first stall is over.

Better yet, I will be glad for the average and declare my stall to be over!

Has anybody in TDC heard much about the idea of cheating on purpose (big carb meal) to shock the system out of a stall?

I guess it resets some hormone that allows the body to shed fat cells if you have enough of the hormone in your system. Sometimes, the story goes, you cannot lose weight because of this hormone.

[DayStar]

The scale moved again today! It's a new low at 309!

Thanx all who encouraged me through my first stall.

Now that I know this can happen, and that it will pass, it won't freak me out as much if there is a next time.

BTW: I have over 50 posts now, so I earned by chicken leg. Thank God. I hated those egg icons for how many posts you have when you have less than 50. They look like ice cream cones.... I HATED them.... ;)

Onward ho!

[Just Me]

I obsessed on the numbers, still I'm guilty of that. There were, and still are days, where the numbers stay the same then POW KA-BLAM ... the scale reflects -3 pounds the next morning.

Keep up the good work DayStar ... I'm watching your back! :D