Figuring it out

[gawdess]

Weird...I have done sooooooooooo awesome on Atkins so far up until yesterday mentally...Id say my struggle felt really "wierd"...Every Sunday I visit my parents house and do stuff with the family for the day. Well yesterday I drove the 45 mins to the house and the moment I pulled into the driveway I started craving.....craving cigarettes, craving junk food, craving everything....I ended up doing ok all day with my family. Just as background my mother is bipolar and my father anxiety/depression with anger management problems. There was a lot of trauma growing up in that scene, however I thought I was at peace with my family for the most part....I guess all this time, I thought it was me....I was the one that was dysfunctional, I was the one that made everyone fight and go crazy on every holiday and that its my fault I have never been able to keep a relationship longer than 3 months...ever..Well you know what.....I dont think its all me anymore...I am fine all week until emotionally I have to deal with the stress and dysfunctionality of my family.


I did stop at the grocery store on the way home and bought some sugar free candy which I kept within serving size portion (actually smaller). I was getting scared I would totally cheat and eat a Reese's PB Cup King size or something....any insight? anyone have simlar experience?? Anyone have any ideas to cope with this ? I love my family, I dont want to cut them off....they need me on some level and I do love them....

[Suni]

Oh, how I can relate. Especially about the bipolar mother, but my father was the proverbial "nice guy". I am 56 and it has taken me years and years to try and unravel the complexity of family relationships. I found an excellent book called "Toxic Parents" - if you don't want to purchase it you may want to loan it from a library.

I have to congratulate you for your intuitiveness and insight. What you need to do is set boundaries for yourself. For instance, if your father begins screaming and being verbally abusive, leave - simply walk out the door and remove yourself fromt he situation. Rage, anger is a controlling behaviour. Your family won't like this new behaviour. At first and they will call you names and accuse you of all sorts of things but this is a way of taking some control for you. And possibly cut your visits down to every two weeks instead of every weekend. This will give you some much needed time for yourself.

What you are doing, is eating to comfort yourself. Carbs make your brain "feel good" and with an anxiety laden situation as you have with your family, you feed yourself to help cope with them and the explosive situation.

You must learn that what is wrong in your family, was wrong long before you came along. You are not the cause and you cannot be the cure either. But you do have the choice whether to allow yourself to continue on as a "victim" in the family or remove yourself from the situation and take some control. Families like this create "rescuers" of their kids. It has taken me years and years, and counceling to realize that "it wasn't my fault my family is the way it is" and that there is no "Walton's type family".

Now I can visit and say to myself beforehand "I can last 3 hours, 3 days (a specific) period of time and due my "duty" then remove myself and not be affected. The family got used to me setting bounds but they didn't like it and I felt burdened by guilt for quite a while - it is difficult to turn off the enabling once it takes hold, but for your own sanity's sake you need to take control and do this for YOU!

[gawdess]

Thank you so much for responding...Actually funny...That has been my response in recent years...to just remove myself from my family....Every time dad acts out I hear mom say "She wont come and visit anymore you know!" This will be my second weekend on Atkins coming up...I wonder how this visit will go...

[Suni]

T.G.I.F. - Hi Gawdess

Good luck both with your visit and Atkin's. I am low-carbing but with Schwarzbein - I tried Atkins for two weeks and felt deadful. Schwarzbein isn't a quick weight loss program, more about balancing carbs-protein-fats and non-starchy veggies. I have to admit this WOE seems to agree with me. I have lots of pep/energy and plenty of variety in the food I can eat. I just have to watch "portion control" with some foods and learn to resist sweet treats, which I still allow myself on occasion.

I am going "back home" for a wedding in August. I could never figure out that if I was looking forward to spending time with my family, why was my stomach in knots and why did I need to take medication for headaches. Now that I have some of this "residual garbage" figured out, I am actually looking forward to going home and being with (some) members of my family for a few days. However I set limits with some members, especially my mom, who would like to have me at her beck and call 24-7, and while she isn't thrilled with the idea, but I am OK with that. I am finally realizing I am important too and I need to do what is right for me, rather than giving in and doing what is right for everybody else and allowing myself to get so stressed out I end up with a migraine.

Wishing you a GREAT day!

[CatherineG]

Very well said, Suni.

[skeeweeaka]

You know I find it interesting that your family triggers you as well... I noticed that my family stresses me and I eat after being with them... Truely a dysfunctional one... I feel like an outsider...and my mom wants to be in every aspect of your life...truely an overbearing person... I moved when I turned 18 to get away and came back with my then husband....although I knew it was a mistake... I, however, have to keep my distance to stay even a little sane.... She's very good at guilt trips though and I give in from time-to-time...but in the long run we have to do what is best for our health.... Congrats to all the survivors...